So here it is, the end of 2024.
An end to year with so much change.
An evolution.
An intentional growth that reached to every edge of my life.
A turning of the tide that washed away more pebbles of the past than I’m used to. Age-old marble and petty stone cycling themselves out. Some staying, some returning, some still haven’t found their place.
I sit on an island that Darwin would surely have found answers on. He would be in awe of the exploration made here. So much grows on the edge of the sea.
But it’s funny how I got here.
It always ends up being funny, doesn’t it?
The trip started out with tragedy. I was just someone who stumbled upon your world …
Ya know fuck this fluff
Let me be more direct:
I spent part of this year being altruistic about what happened between us. “The blame fell on both of us. I wasn’t great, you weren’t great but we were both moving forward from it” It brought me some peace.
But that was only for some time.
It wasn’t until someone close to you sat me down and explained to me who you are and what you did… that allowed me to understand what I endured in those three years…
So for you:
This year was a year of “falling in love”. A year of “being with the one”. I call it a year of connivence. - really just another year for you.
Cause the thing is this, Nicole:
you don’t love him.
You barely loved me.
You maybe loved Dennis.
And you could’ve loved Jordan.
But baby… I don’t think you have the capability to truly love. You grab onto remnants of what you’ve seen around you; stories told in fairytales. Your obsession creates acts of love. But the true action of healthy love? - it only goes as deep as your wallet.
As deep as your throat.
As deep as your pussy
It never hits your soul.
Lemme break it down for you:
29 years you spent on this earth. You spent 1-2 years single —
So you knew Jordan since birth. She was your best friend. Yes it wasn’t romantic, but she was your everything. She was your first true relationship. She was the one who programmed you to “need someone”.
You spent 21 years with her as your best friend. Until of course, you fucked it up. Now I know the story and hey, I’m sure she was crazy. I believe what you said about her being a bit irrational and I believe she was blind to things. But Nic, did you ever take a second to think that you were so defensive of her because you were worried you were gonna lose her to her new boyfriend? Did you ever think those comments on her relationship came from a place of caring too much? A place of insecurity? A fear of losing your first ever source of approval (outside your family)? A fear of being on your own…
Let’s move onto your single year - now see I don’t know what the exact timeline was here. You had a single year with just Krista, shosh, whoever else. You whored it up a bit (which you were already doing with Jordan). Your best friend was Eva for a while - makes sense that two people with ego problems attracted each other. I can’t really make claims to anything permanent other than some secrets your friend told me. Just gonna say you were definitely promiscuous. Something I already knew. Something everyone knows.
So then you met Dennis. You were fuck buddies for a bit, but then you dated. What seemed to be a genuine connection. Someone you actually liked despite the age gap. Once again, I can’t make many comments about it other than you seemed to have really liked him. But you broke up with him because “you didn’t see a life with him”
Now see this is where it all goes wrong.
You broke up with a 20 year old kid because he didn’t have his life together. You liked him and you got along, but because he was young and had some “out there” aspirations, so you deemed him unfit.
You broke up with a man, not out of a loss of love, but because he didn’t fit into YOUR life.
Now I get knowing what u want and trying to plan accordingly, but I’ve learned that when you love someone, everything else falls into place. And sacrifices are made on both sides.
Now onto me. The one who you “see a future with”. That’s what you told me, when I expressed my concern with you still seeing your ex. When I found out you kept sharing your location with him, months into us dating. When you refused to get your stuff back until we were official. When you leveraged that you were still fuckin him to get us to date. A red flag everyone told me to stay away from.
You were never single in between Dennis and I. You were hedging your bets. Leading both of us on. Weaponizing our want for you against each other’s. A disregard for both of our feelings. - leveraging seeing him to gain insight to how I feel. manipulating my feelings. Manipulating the situation to get your desired result - continuing to see him despite knowing he still had feelings with you, while you were getting serious with me.
None of your feelings were genuine. None of them vulnerable. You were too busy being jaded, instead of realizing what’s in front of you. Someone who was genuinely trying to court you. I never played games - you know that.
I shoulda saw it. I shoulda saw the insecurity and co dependency. How you talked about how people were commenting on your boobs to try and get me jealous. How you cried that a girl I used to hook up was invited to a party. How you got jealous of any comments I made about other women. How you called my mom when I was out with friends worried about me cheating because you “just loved me so much”. Hating on other women, crying when I’m around them. Weaponizing being around men. Literally telling me how your cousin has a thing for you to get me feeling a way - just weird Nicole. Using your past flings to make me feel insecure.
Holy shit I can’t even list it all.
It’s beyond the point.
The point that you feed off of others. How you leach onto them. How you still slept in your mom’s bed sometimes at 25 years old lol.
All I did was try and love you Nicole. I just tried to be a good guy most of the time and be kind.
I really did.
But you’re toxic, co-dependency ruined me.
It fucking ruined me.
It turned me into a monster.
And you even said it yourself: “you’re not who you were when I first met you”
I wasn’t.
I was changed.
I was abused.
And as I sit here, on the brink of being in love. Spending time with a person that understands her core wounds and takes care of them. A person with who blanches logic and emotion perfectly. A person with such a kind heart, but an attitude she knows when to use. A girl who is funny as fuck and very intelligent. Someone who wants to genuinely grow and help me grow for the better.
I can really go on.
But as I sit here on the brink of it all… I get angry.
I get angry that I let you treat me like that. That I didn’t put you in your place at the end and really give you the truth of who you are. That I didn’t communicate this better. That you never thanked me for being there when your friend died. That you never understood just how good of a man I was. That I never held you responsible for acting rude to my family. That you cheated on me and I didn’t find out till later…
That you act like you were good to be and that you were the “perfect girlfriend”.
That I ever tried to love you.
That I ever tried to love a person as heartless and mean and selfish and greedy. That I saw who you are, but chose to ignore it and believed that you could be better.
The girl with no friends - for a reason.
The girl I had to apologize for on many occasions
The girl who never apologize to anyone
The girl who had all the anxiety in the world, but didn’t care if someone else struggled with something.
The girl with the inability to truly care for another being.
The girl who majored in art because her dad was an artist but wasn’t actually talented herself. But it’s ok because your whole personality was based around your father’s, never truly being her own person.
The girl who truly never gave a fuck about my family
A narcissist with a victim mentality.
Yeah I was just desperate.
And this is what happens when you’re desperate.
So now onto Mike.
The man you fell in love with just a month after you told me you loved me and wanted to fix things.
Balls deep in you right before your first date.
The man who’s is cousins to your cousin’s wife.
The perfect situation.
Families combined. No effort needed. You won’t leave him, and he won’t leave you, cause if you do…
It would be too messy.
Truly both stuck.
Out of convenience.
An easy life. You suck his dick, he listens to you nag. He’s just happy that everyone already knows each other and that he doesn’t have to make effort, you’re happy everyone knows each other and you don’t have to make effort meeting new people because “they can’t not love robs cousin”. (Despite probably not actually liking you) You were already family. (Kinda weird tbh) You got him trapped. See I’ sure he’s a good man, at least you wouldn’t date him if you didn’t believe so. But I got friends where he’s from Nic… and those stories have a different narrative.
But congrats. You found someone who won’t cause you anxiety. (Untill he does) Someone you know won’t leave, someone you don’t have to get to like you. Someone you can just show up, suck off and he’ll be like “she fits into my life”. Then you’ll become best friends with Julie and latch onto her. The dumb girl who people love because, i’ll even admit, she’s a fun person. You’ll never develop a personality outside of your family. You’ll continue to believe you’re a good person but also hate yourself because you know deep down you aren’t. It’ll all go like you planned.
Until one day, you have kids and family with this man. You’re home, he’s at the bar. He says he’s going over to his parents, but he’s really just desperate to get away from you. Maybe he finds another woman’s touch. Likely paid for. Neither of you will admit you’re unhappy because the nucleus of the family needs to remain in tact. But you’ll both be at family parties, far from each other. Him thinking about ‘what if’. You blaming him for thinking that. He’s realizing how codependent you are, just like how I did. How much people don’t like you. How much you hate yourself. You’ll still be trying to be like your dad. Despite not having the intelligence to do so. Your family will continue to look at you the way they always did.
See the thing is Nic I truly do hope you live a great life with someone you love. But starting off a relationship with overlap isn’t great. Starting off a relationship with “I just got out an abusive relationship, I need you to save me” isn’t great. Starting off a relationship where you clearly still have feelings for your ex - isn’t great (look at us).
Nicole, I spent this past year being with myself. I dated people here and there, but made myself a priority. I spent nights alone doing work, I spent nights with friends and family, I spent nights with beautiful women, I spent nights feeling sad. But most importantly, I spent those nights learning who I am. Loving who I am. Building myself into someone great.
I relied on myself for emotional support, but also chose when I needed others to help out. I really do have the best support system. One I built with my own grace and loyalty. I moved out, I cooked, I cleaned, and I was responsible for me.
See this is something you’ll never know and that makes me feel bad for you Nic. You’ll never spend time discovering yourself. You’ll never truly try new things on your own. You’ll never learn how to deal with that anxiety filled mind by yourself.
You’ll never have to be alone and talk to that voice in your head to get it to support you.
You’ll never truly face your demons. One on one.
Your mental strength will only ever go as far as Totowa.
A spoiled Italian girl who wants to know no other life. - can’t even imagine another life
It’s what I kinda liked about you at first. The sureness. The “simplicity”…
Until I realized how much fear drives that decision, and how much that fear would swirl about your insecurities and wrap me up in its tornado.
You wanted me to have that same fear. To feel it with you because if I felt it too, then no way you could be crazy.
So…
Enjoy living the life you wanted. You deserve that for following the rules. But as much as you got that life - the husband, the kids, the steady job, the super close family (who don’t actually like each other)…
just know that you’ll never truly be in love.
You’ll never have met someone that fits you so well, you just know. You’ll never have met so many people that taught you how to know. You’ll never learn to love yourself so much that you can have a genuine connection with the anybody you meet - Because fuck my insecurities, those have nothing to do with this beer and some good conversation.
And hey maybe never is a strong word.
I do write this to you in hopes of some clarity for your mind.
But I might’ve lost hope because you haven’t shown me that my kind words, my mean words, or any words can help.
No words worked twice…
So I choose to just say “the truth”.
The only thing you respect.
-
-
-
See my therapist told me that “an abuse victim might feel anger later in their recovery due to realizing just how bad they were treated.” She says I’m upset that I let you make me feel unworthy of love.
She’s right.
But that’s when I ask myself “why would I let someone make me feel that way? Especially from so early on in the relationship. What makes me have a low sense of self worth?”… - and that right there, that’s it. That thought. That question. That answer. That’s where I find peace.
When I dive into that wound… And heal it from the inside.
This piece of writing is beyond just telling you off.
It’s part of a map.
A map to that island
One you helped me write.
One that everyone has helped me write.
But the thing is…
I’m the only who can read it
Find your map baby, xoxo
