i really don’t mean to be short with you, sometimes i kinda just get exhausted from the day and my mind just shuts down. i really don’t mean to be a bit aggresive with you, sometimes i have to remind myself that that isn’t me. my soul, to me, has always made me feel light, sometimes i feel too old for my actual age and i’ve heard that that isn’t a bad thing. i really don’t mean to not text back, sometimes life just gets busy, you know? i’ve traded a piece of my happiness for some sort of security, but i’ve been realizing more and more as i age that time is such a valuable asset and we’ve to spend it wisely or it’ll end up being us on a small bed, full of regret in our eyes waiting to burst out as rain missing clouds too large for the world to see. i really didn’t mean to hurt you and i still hold my apologies deep in my throat, but i’m starting to understand more and more as the days go by. guilt is the killer of man, if you never accept the truth and move on, you will always be stagnant. i preach growth and peace, but sometimes the dissonance in my voice makes the chaos that i feel so much worse. i haven’t been eating well lately, i should apologize to myself for that too. i guess i’m just not hungry, i’ve been thinking a whole lot more, healthy thoughts. something that i’m actually proud of. they say that the best poetry comes from the heart, so i write with no rhymes and no line breaks– run on sentences and typos, the best excuse to write sloppy prose because this is really how i feel. there is something that i want to give to myself, how does one feel that lust for life? i’ve spent so many hours pondering about the meaning of my existence and yes, maybe one day i’ll come up with a clean answer. maybe it’ll be soon. i really don’t mean to avoid you, i really didn’t mean to be cold. in truth, i don’t really trust myself, so it’s even harder for me to trust you. i really didn’t mean to take so long to send out those gifts, i guess it was just bad timing. and maybe that’s all that life is, timing. maybe that’s the answer. spending your time with proper respect and wisdom. to the 17 year old me, thank you for leading me to where i am today. to all of my mistakes, i will conquer the fear of creating you once again. i will learn and rise once again. to people who don’t really know where they’re going in life, you know something that has always kept me going? hope. i know. sappy, right? but hear me out. that’s our whole thing. as humans. we hope that the fire doesn’t burn out. we hope that love finds us, or that we find love. we hope that it works out. we hope that we’re going to make it to next year. we hope that the scars heal. we hope that this time, this time it’s going to be done properly. we hope so many things, and that’s important. just because something is simple doesn’t mean that it isn’t worth looking into. we live so quickly in this day and age, swiping through screens, reading articles, watching videos non-stop, tv-show binging, online addiction, and you know something? i’ve been thinking a whole lot about the absolutes of life. i will die someday. maybe it’ll be tomorrow. maybe it’ll be next week. next month. next year. maybe i’ll get the chance to grow old, so many maybes. i used to say that i don’t fear death, but i think about it now and i realize that that’s just a mask. it’s a lie. the fear of death has kept humans on our toes from the very beginning before even language was invented. before the first hello was spoken. before the first goodbye was whispered. before the first i love you was said out loud. before the first i hate you broke a heart. before the first i miss you was understood properly. before the first i want you back was dreaded. before the first i’m so happy to see you became a mood. i think back about all of these things and you know something? i feel peaceful with knowing that i wasn’t the first person to say these things to someone. words have a certain level of energy to them and i’ve been thinking more about my reactions to life situations and i want to be better. i guess what i’m really trying to say is– it’s going to be alright. if you’re reading this and you needed a pick me up, hey. you got this. life is short, pause your busy day– smell the flowers. i think the scariest thing about getting older is how fast the days fly by, that’s honestly the most terrifying thing i’ve ever had to witness on a daily. so slow down. why are you rushing? what’s the point? you know everytime something at work keeps me held up from going home, i think to myself that maybe if i leave right now, i might get into a car accident. maybe i’m stuck at this same position for a reason– maybe this being here and not moving is good for me. maybe i’ll have many more opportunies to talk to the people that i care about. so it’s okay. i’m safe right now. and that’s important.
(side note: if you’re reading this and you haven’t been doing well, eating well or sleeping well– i want you to know that everything does get better. maybe you’ve heard it a thousand times, but what if this time– it does work out? don’t give up yet.)
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