she has me blocked, not really the best way to get this out, but by some off chance she sees this, this one is for you Grace.
(You probably don't know who this is, which is better I guess so you can read what I'm about to send. If you know who this is, um fuck. But please do give me a chance. Okay thank you) I know it's late, I hope you're not up either, considering it's so late. Before you react, please listen. Before you do whatever you feel like doing because I suddenly reached out to you, after quite some time, please listen. My memory has failed me on a lot of things, something I learned through therapy, is a symptom of PTSD. But there have been times, mostly in school, where a memory so vivid comes and attacks me. Because of that, I am forced to sit down and relive every painful emotion I had in that exact moment. The moment I left that hospital in which I met you, is when I was set on the path to therapy. I'm better now, I see why people do certain things and I see why I do certain things. Still, that doesn't mean I like my behavior. I still remember the hospital visits, all the times I wished you would be there for me. I was so desperately dependent on you. I don't know if you ever realized that, but everything about you was like sweet poison to me. I loved and hated every minute of being tied to you and my heart had belonged to you. But in the end, I was mentality getting better. But you weren't. You weren't and I can't change someone. No one is powerful enough to force someone to do something. It's always us that has to give ourselves that little push. I've been trying to push myself to reach out ever since I realized that I don't hate you, I never did. I just wasn't used to you putting all your attention in someone else. I hated it, because even if I couldn't give you all of me, I still expected you to do the same and that was unfair of me to ask. It was unfair of me to leave without explaining. I always told myself that you weren't giving your attention to me, which is why I had to leave like that. That's not true.
I had this whole image in my head that you were the toxic one and I was the healthy one. “You did the right thing by leaving,” or the occasional “you're so strong”, was what I got from people when I went crying to them about it. I was weak and left because I got a taste of my own medicine and I absolutely hated it. After I cut you off, I did notice I was doing better mentality. That was a good thing, because now I'm strong enough to be able to reach out to you and be able to handle whatever you do or don't want to give me. I've changed Grace. I'm not really expecting anything from you, how can I? All I want from this, is for you to listen, know that I'm better, understand why I acted the way I did. I did some bad things to you Grace, I wasn't a good person back then. Well maybe I was, because I've learned that my mental state has never defined me as a person. I don't want to overstep as much as I already have, but you were someone who made an impact in my life. And I messed it up with my messy feelings. I know better now. I'm sorry. I don't expect anything from you, but if you do read this Grace, I appreciate it. I hope you're better too. I really hope so.
No matter what we did, you were always my best friend. Hating you for what I did felt like I was always locked up and all I could do was freeze to death. During those times, my hands felt colder. My whole body felt cold and dead, painful. But I got better and my body got warmer and I can appreciate the sky again and lavender doesn't hurt me anymore. I'm not hurting anymore.
I opened this door. If you want to close and lock it, you have every right to. Don't think about my feelings when thinking about how to respond to this. Do what you feel is best for you. I can handle it.
I haven't changed my number. You're not blocked. If you want to reach me you can, if you don't, I get it. Goodnight Grace.
dededos
germansingergirl
turnnoffyourmind
pixelskylines
izzy806
snowghoul
