“I really like you, but you are a terrible person to talk to about personal stuff.”
“We should talk soon because I almost bought a toe ring the other day.”
“You know when you go to the ATM and get money—is there an actual guy that stands there and gives you money?”
“You sound like a tampon commercial. ”
“I once forgot to brush my teeth for five weeks. I didn’t actually sell my last car. I just forgot where I parked it. I don’t know who Al Gore is and now I’m afraid to ask.”
“We can just sit back and take it easy. But instead we’re going to lean forward and take it hard. ”
“Good, I hate paperwork. I hardly ever do it in my bed on a Saturday night listening to old Spice Girls CDs.”
“If all goes well, this might be one of the last times I get to speak to you.”
“It was a pizza stuffed with little pizzas. And the crusts of those little pizzas were stuffed with chocolate.”
“There has never been a sadness not cured by breakfast food.”
“I got you a going away present. I’m finally deleting you from my phone.”
“I’ve been reading up on nipples.”
“Everything is amazing. Today is perfect. And I love you.”
“You can trust me because I don’t care enough about you to lie.”
“Time is money, money is power, power is pizza, and pizza is knowledge, let’s go!”
“First rule. No conversation lasts longer than 100 total words. I have used 9. You have used 20.”
“Remember when last year no one got flu shots because there was a rumor they’d turn you European?”
“You poetic and noble land mermaid.”
“I formally retract my hug.”
“I am not a sore loser. It’s just that I prefer to win and when I don’t, I get furious. ”
“This will be blown way out of proportion! You have my word on that!”
“Your heart’s in the right place. Your heart and your butt.”
“Right now my gut is telling me we’re going to listen to Mariah Carey the whole way home.”
“The hug machine is here! Smiling on all cylinders!
“It’s my favorite kind of battle. Two men enter. One me leaves!”
“Well, I think you have several options. They’re all terrible. But they’re options.
“I only tell the truth when it makes me sound like I’m lying.”
“I am 100 percent sure I am 0 percent sure of what to do.”
“No one achieves anything alone.”
“Is that a drawing of my reproductive system saying ‘Let’s Do This’?”
“You are so brilliant and kind and stupid-hot!”
“I don’t entirely understand the behavior of young people. Recently we engaged in something called a group hang. It was like a date but there were seven other people there.
“I’m allergic to sushi. Every time I eat more than 80 pieces, I throw up.
“I don’t know if you know this, but things with fat in them taste way better than things that don’t!
“When I get bummed out I take my shirt off because the bad feelings make me feel sweaty.”
“Breakfast food can serve many purposes.
“Thinking about my future. I am deeply ridiculously in love with you. And above everything else, I just want to be with you forever.
“Seriously, did you eat farts for lunch?”
“Take the easy way out. I always do. It’s easy!”
“I love this idea and I love me for thinking of it.”
“I am big enough to admit I am often inspired by myself.”
“Number one is being able to run 2 miles in under 25 minutes. That’s a typo right? That’s not humanly possible.”
“First of all, you did the right thing by hiding underneath this table.
“My official statement is that is, overall, a bummer.”
“In a few minutes, we’ll walk in there, we’ll give him our demands, and then BAM — I start crying.”
“If I had to have anybody tell me that I have cancer, I would want it to be me.”
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