“I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.”
“I misspelled, in front of the entire school, the word ‘failure’.”
“I was just, um… I’m in love with you.”
“I love inside jokes. I’d love to be a part of one someday.”
“I stole. And I robbed. And I kidnapped… the President’s son. And held him for ransom.”
“Why do I feel like crap?”
“Who wants some man meat?”
“There’s too many people in this world. We need a new plague.”
“Whenever I’m about to do something, I think, ‘Would an idiot do that?’ And if they would, I do not do that thing.”
“It was a weird day. I accidentally cross-dressed.”
“Question, what kind of bear is best?”
“I’ve got penises on the brain.”
“I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”
“Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check-in time is now. Check-out time is never.”
“In your wildest fantasy, you are in hell, and you are co-running a bed and breakfast with the devil?”
“Um, are you free for dinner tonight?”
“I have to be liked. But it’s not like this compulsive need to be liked, like my need to be praised.”
“I just wanna be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.”
“WHERE ARE THE TURTLES?!”
“You can use these oats to make oatmeal, bread, whatever you want. I don’t care, they’re your oats.”
“I am about to do something very bold in this job that I’ve never done before: Try.”
“You cheated on me…when I specifically asked you not to?”
“Oh my goodness, you sound sexy.”
“I tried to talk to _____ and be his/her friend, but that is like trying to be friends with an evil snail.”
“You need to get the manure out of here.”
“I think I’m basically a good person. But I am going to try to make him/her cry.”
“Hey, you know what’s even cooler than triceratops? Every other dinosaur that ever existed.”
“I’m too excited to sleep!”
“I know a few things about love. Horrible, terrible, awful, awful things.”
“I thought you were gay.”
“I don’t know how I’m going to get through this. I don’t want to lie and I DON’T want to tell the truth.”
“I have very little patience for stupidity.”
“There is only sex. Everything is sex.”