I just can’t get rid of the feeling that I am a bad person with a good heart. I always want to do the right thing but in the end I’m fucking things up. In the end I’m always fucking things up.
blxckwinkel (via wordsnquotes)
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@ogbirdguy-blog
I just can’t get rid of the feeling that I am a bad person with a good heart. I always want to do the right thing but in the end I’m fucking things up. In the end I’m always fucking things up.
blxckwinkel (via wordsnquotes)
Haven || Open
Peter usually had an argument ready when he was called a kid, but, looking at the weathered lines on Clint’s face, he doubted that the good ole “I’m technically an adult now” line would work. This guy had decades on him. So, he just chuckled, smiling and cocking his head to the side just the slightest. “You sure?” he hums, patting at his thighs idly. “’Cause I’ve got some groovy rhythm, gramps.”
Arching a brow at him, Peter folded his legs into his laps as the man spoke, feeling more relieved when he seemed to open himself more to the conversation. Or, at least, talking. Even so, he seemed to remain hunched in, and it gave the words a sort of secretive tone that stretched beyond their accusatory glances back at camera-guy. It made a smile grow on Peter’s face, and he felt a sense of pride bundling up in his chest. Maybe proud of getting this guy to chat with him. Of course, this seemed to be the same guy who opened up to a KGB agent, but still. Raking it in tonight. “Oh, man,” he chuckles, tapping the table before he reached for his drink, just to hold it. “All those girls, yeah, so stressful.” Grinning, he shook his head. “More concerned about the bond strain between the active sites of proteins.”
A groan passed through his lips. His hand moved up to his forehead, rubbing at his temple. He looked into the bottom of his coffee mug with something close to sorrow. “I’m going to pretend you didn’t call me gramps. I misunderstood you or something.” He rolled his head to look back at him, face serious. “You youngin’s need to learn respect.”
His face cracked back into a smile. It was still hard to tell how uneasy he should feel about Peter. But the more Clint talked, the more he seemed to open up. Least he didn’t have to worry with dealing with a professional here in the cafe. “I think you take the cake.” He shrugged with his mug in hand, leaning back in his chair. “Of all the creepy guys in here, I got stuck with the science one. Your last name Frankenstein by any chance?”
Open // Family?
Wanda wasn’t exactly sure what she had expected when Steve had freed them all from the Raft. She knew what she hoped, that even in hiding, even with their group splintered in a million different directions, that she’d still feel some of the sense of family that the Avengers had provided her after her brother’s passing. She should have guessed though, she reflected, Steve had done this for Bucky, plain and simple, so when he distanced himself to fret over figuring out a way to ‘fix’ his friend, she should have known, shouldn’t have let it hurt as much as it did. Sam, Steve’s ever loyal friend had been at his side, helping, and when they had finally… thawed Bucky, for lack of a better word, Steve was always by his side. She didn’t know Scott well enough, or at all, really, to feel comfortable enough to socialize with him. Then there was Clint, who always seemed to have something heavy on his mind. No, there wasn’t that sense of family anymore, and Wanda was just as trapped within their current hideout than she had been with Stark. At least at the Avengers facility, she had Vision. She grimaced and tried to ignore the pain in her chest at the thought of her friend, her friend who she had betrayed, and for what? To still be trapped, but now as a criminal. By now, the cereal she had poured for herself in the shitty excuse of a kitchen had gone soggy, and she stirred it halfheartedly, appetite gone.She tugged on the drawstrings of the hoodie she was wearing, a nervous tick. She wasn’t too sure who the article of clothing belonged to, but she knew from the too-long sleeves it wasn’t her own, but wearing it reminded her of stealing her brothers sweaters whenever she had stubbornly insisted she wouldn’t need one when going out. She pushed the bowl away from herself and sighed. No, she wasn’t sure what she had expected, but it hadn’t been this.
A gun pressed to the base of his neck.
A hand against his chest, heating starting to flare. He tried pulling his arms forward, to counteract Stark’s attack. (He can’t move. Who’s holding him back? There are hands around his wrists and he can’t break free in time. This is it.)
He closes his eyes.
The gun falls.
The gun’s replaced by soft, calloused fingers, brushing up the side of his neck, then around his throat.
He feels his chest get hollowed out.
Clint wakes with a start, a hand grasping the front of his shirt, over his heart. Cold sweat pricks at the hairs on the back of his neck. A shudder runs through his body, and he curls forward, letting himself have this moment of stillness to even his breath. The Avengers had been more than Stark’s family. History repeats itself in cycles of tragedy and betrayal.
He’s leaving his room less than five minutes later. His pajama bottoms are threadbare, and hang loose off his hips. He’s wearing a lilac hoodie, with the name of some unknown band printed across the back. The upside is he’s more well-rested than usual. It hadn’t been a bad night all things considered. He yawned quietly, walking into the kitchen. There’s no signs of the panic his face held anymore, just the kind of contentedness that sleep brought.
He stops, looking at Wanda.
He continues his routine, going to put a pot of coffee on.
It’s a minute before he sits across from her, head propped up on his elbow. His eyes seem heavy, as he blinks slow, staring into her bowl of cereal.
“I’m feeling pancakes. Do you want some?”
He’s not stupid enough to misread the situation. There’s nothing he can do for her now, except try to give her some feeling of normalcy while they were on the road. She was still a kid. She’d say something if it needed to be said, and he’d be here to help her manage. It was the least he could do after he helped drag her into.
Distress II Open
Bucky eyes are trained on Clint as he comes back in from outside, as he heads towards the kitchen, probably getting the poor excuse for coffee. It was better than military ration, but not much. No one seemed to mind, or they were to busy with other things to really complain
Neither of them say anything, and Bucky isn’t sure how the other honestly feels about him. Everyone just was a neutral party, just because they agreed with Steve’s morals, its how they ended up together in this mess. Clint was different though. Like him and Natalia he had been through a lot, can see it the way he holds himself and the look in his eyes, his hands were steady like his though, no shakes or twitches. Sniper, the calluses on his hands give it away, beside the fact he had seen him shoot, on more than one occasion.
“Why’s that?” He states, face looking towards the other, so they could understand each other. ASL was one of the few languages he wasn’t fluent in, considering it didn’t have much benefit in tense communication or torture methods.
Bucky knew right away about Clint’s condition, he carried it well though, barely noticeable to most people. And Bucky never made a deal of it, because there was no real reason too. Mainly because the first time he realized it, his mind told him it was a weakness, he could use against him, to kill him if he wanted to.
“I think I know why I’m fighting, its for Steve, always has been,” He shifts in his spot on the couch, trying to hide the emotions he was close to letting go off. “I’m just tired of fighting against myself.” Bucky says just as quietly back, upon clearing his throat.
Opening up to people, ones who show general interest in his well being, feel like its a trick sometimes, well most times. As if they are doing it for their own personal gain, planning to use it against him somehow.
There weren’t answers. Clint knew that, carried it like the rest of them. He had fought until his knuckles were bloody and he looked an awful like the man sitting in front of him before. He took another sip of his coffee, eyes drifting back towards the couch. The closest he could get to being whole came in fleeting moments and faces of others. That was the truth he had fought for, would fight for until he died from it. It wasn’t his place, to tell Bucky how to cope with what he had been through. There were others that knew him better, that could speak more eloquently than him.
“You’re fighting against yourself, you’re fighting for yourself. It doesn’t matter as long as there’s still someone in front of you to fight.”
Piercing blue eyes fixed themselves back on the other man. There wasn’t any judgement, or pity. They were both awake at the unholy hours of the morning, after all.
“Giving up kinda seems like you’d be leaving your mess for him. Don’t try to leave it all and think the world wants you to move forward. The world doesn’t care.” He scratched at his cheek, leaning further back into his chair. His spine was still throbbing. It wouldn’t hurt him to be a little more graceful. “If you keep running at whoever’s ahead of you, you’ll end up somewhere else. Better or worse, you’ll be there.”
There was a pause.
He couldn’t tell yet if he was goading him to open up, or talking at another set of deaf ears. There was no investment for him in who Bucky used to be. Only that now, he was a person that need something.
“You’re still alive.”
🕷 peтer parĸer - ѕpιderмan 🕷 “poιnт ιѕ, тнιѕ ιѕ мy reѕponѕιвιlιтy.”
Natasha & Clint -- To Be Human
:: CONTINUED FROM HERE:: @ogbirdguy
Her gaze remains trained on the bar, for in that moment there are few things she can think to say in response. Interesting, is after all subjective, and the redhead is yet to find anybody befitting of such a description.
It’s no more than a usual weekend in the city. Busy commuters have hung up their jackets for the evening, in a bid to let off steam. Forget the woes of paperwork left on their desks, e-mails unread in business accounts, impending informal discussions from their superiors determined to assert their dominance.
The mere thought bores her, it’s a life she has never found appealing. To sit behind a desk and while away hours unblinkingly at a computer screen. Adrenaline coursing through her veins is what spurs her on, to know that she is working for the greater good, alongside those she can trust.
Enter Clint Barton.
Now she has always been of the belief she is a good judge of character, and by extension, is able to read people well. Some would say a little too well. There’s a certain slump to the archers frame, the droop of his shoulders, the way his head hangs, and since he sidled up to her, she hasn’t seen hide nor hair of the lopsided smile he is usually all too willing to supply her with.
No, something else lingers behind those eyes.
The man at the end of the bar is drinking away the last of his pay-cheque. His wife has left him, taken the kids, the house and the dog. He’s currently living in the motel across the street out of his suitcase….. Bartenders after all are the best therapists this city has to offer.”
There’s a pause, cocktail glass lifted to her lips once more, the burn against her lips and tongue is welcomed, it at least gives her something to focus on. With the glass settled upon the smooth marble surface one more, she eventually looks up at the archer, deep green orbs burning into the depths of his baby blues.
🕷There’s the young blonde behind the bar, working three jobs to go to college and raise a son on her own…. The faded tan line on her ring finger…..Shows she tried to make a go of things with her little boys father….But it wasn’t meant to be….”
All of the information she’s feeding him, she knows to be the last thing he wishes to hear, so she focuses her attention solely on him. A crooked finger slips beneath his chin, affording him no chance to look away. There’s a story he isn’t telling her, something dancing across the tip of his tongue.
🕷” Then there’s the archer, so consumed in his own thoughts, he is totally unaware of his own surroundings….. What’s going on in that mind of yours, Barton?”
He doesn’t feel the smile fade from his face. There wasn’t any looking away from her now if he wanted to. It would be easy, so easy, to let himself tune out. To stop listening, let his eyes fall from her red lips, follow the subtle blue down on the veins of her arms, and let himself wonder how much in this room was carved from that marble. Watching her speak, there was still flashes of statues raised on pedestals in Italy: a reminder that someone carrying the world could still be warm to the touch.
A simple no, apparently, was never good enough. He’d decide on what he came here to hear the moment she said it.
His jaw clenches. And relaxes. There’s a gut instinct to laugh this off. Getting cut loose from the only thing he had been holding onto for the better part of his life had given him enough time to get lost inside his own head. There were days he felt like a kid again. Where getting through the day meant seeing how hard he could hit, or how many people he could help so he could forget himself. It felt wrong coming back like this, wanting to see if the damage they did to the world affected their own. The realization that he’d never know would feel worse in the morning if he let himself get pulled back into shared laughter and quiet conversations now.
Her touch was like fire: it felt like panic, it felt like forgiveness.
“I’m thinking of--”
A glass set on the counter in his peripheral startled him. He pulled away, thanking the blonde for the drink, running his splitting fingertips over the side of the smooth glass.
Who the fuck was he trying to fool here?
They weren’t stone, or statues, or strangers. If he had something to say, now wasn’t the time to start filtering himself with shitty metaphors caught up in the lines of his head.
“Starting to look a lot like the old days again.”
There was a pause, as he let the weight of admitting everything that came with those few words settle.
“You never used to throw your punches, though.”
Here he was, staring at her, so close and yet in another hemisphere. Who knew switching their sides would make the same words stick in his throat?
Haven || Open
Peter retracted his hand after Clint released it, smiling contentedly to himself and scooting back in his chair. “If you say so,” he chuckles, letting his fingers wrap around his mug as his other hand falls onto his thigh. “You ever change your mind, I’m sure I could dig something up. Or, better yet, I’ll show you how to drop a beat, pops.” He raises his mug to his face, smiling as he took a sip, letting his wit hang in the air before he pulled it away from his face. Licking his lips, Peter scrutinized the man again, then hummed in interest. “Clint,” he repeats, tapping at his mug. “Nice name, like it.” Peter runs his palm over his thigh, trying to wipe off some of the anxious perspiration there. Keepin his cool, of course. He lets out a laugh, amused at that, and he chances a look back toward the direction of his thumb. Grinning, Peter puts his attention back on Clint, shaking his head at the man. “Nah, camera guy all the way,” he chuckles. “Though I’d say he was a close second. Maybe me, considering I’m trying to strike up a conversation with an utter stranger who sure didn’t look like he was down to chat with a moody teenaged hellion like me.”
His eyes flick toward him and then in the ceiling in a silent sign of feigned exasperation. “Should’ve went to Starbucks,” he mumbled, clearly loud enough to still be audible. “Least people watch their kids there.” He hid his smile behind the rim of his cup. It was hard believing that yes, he was getting old. Clint had a good track record of keeping nothing in his life together, which was as close to being young as he probably ever got. If he couldn’t make a joke out of it though, what was the point? “For everyone else’s sake, let’s save the beat dropping for another day. Or not. We could just not do that, at all.” His coffee was finished off in one motion. Using his mug to point at Peter, he replied with an easy, “You, I’m starting to understand.” Ceramic was set back down against the table. His hands ran over his thighs, before clasping together between his legs. Body language was always a choice, conscious or not. “Easier to talk to someone who isn’t a total stranger than sit and deal with all that stress about homework and girls or whatever you’re supposed to have on your mind.” He jerked his head in the direction of the camera guy again. “I think he just has a thing for cameras.”
Did anyone thought about this?
@webheaded-spiderpunk
Haven || Open
Okay, good. Step one complete. Peter got him smiling, whether it was from his own bumbling lack of any sort of social graces or charming personality. More than often, it was the former, much to his chagrin. He rolled his shoulders as he listened to him speak, unable to stop the laugh that bubbled past his lips. Good sense of humor, that was a relief, at least. Peter let his back pop a few times, exhaling as his muscles and joints relaxed, and then sprawled his hands over the table, tapping his long fingers against the wood. “No mixtape, I promise,” he smiled, folding his fingers together and watching him. “Dunno if you’d be able to fully appreciate my sick beats without full auditory reception.” His fingers found his mug again and wrapped around the warm ceramic, enjoying the little tingles the temperature sent up into his palm. “It was either you or the sketchy guy in the corner who’s been playing with his camera this entire time.” Peter raised his mug and took a sip before setting it down and glancing over at Clint again. Slowly, he pulled his hand off the mug, offering it toward him with a tepid smile. “Peter,” he nodded, gesturing to his hand. “And you are?”
“No offence Peter,” he started, reaching out towards his hand, “I think I’d appreciate it more just like this.” His handshake was little more than a firm grip. “I’ve heard a lot of things about kids and their music these days.” As he leaned back in his chair, he seemed to relax into his own skin again, or the facade of it. He ran his hand down the front of his shirt, smoothing it out. It already felt easier to enjoy the moment they found themselves in. Home was concrete walls and a shitty van for the last few months. Air was definitely easier to breathe when it wasn’t being clogged up with political bullshit.
He brought his mug forward, bringing it down and setting it on his thigh. The coffee was still hot, but he minded it less. He’d probably have to go get a refill in a few minutes, this one wasn’t going to last very long. Peter didn’t look like the type of guy that would appreciate the types of conversation he got into when his caffeine levels dwindled. “Clint. At your service, for better or worse.” He jerked a thumb over his shoulder to someone seated behind them. “I’ve been trying to beat him for the most questionable character since he got here, but it’s hard to beat the camera.”
Distress II Open
Bucky stares absentmindedly at the new limb attached to him, its lighter and stronger at the same time, but it feels different. In one way its a relief, one of the last bits of, his previous owners, is gone, but in some sick sadistic way he misses it. It had been a part of him for so long and now it’s gone, the only thing he had left are the memories of it and all the things it had done. He’d grown damn attached to the thing, both literally and figuratively, it had saved his life more times than he could count and gave him more strength than he knew what to do with. Maybe it was symbolic, starting over, he needed to let go of the past so he could move to the future, even if it was torn from him. The only thing left, was what remained in his head, six months later and he still feels haunted by his past.
Bucky shifts his gaze to the window, in whatever place they are currently holed up in, trying to tell if it’s late at night or early morning. Not that it matters he can’t sleep most nights anyways. To many bad thoughts racing through his head, everything about the world and his bed feels too warm. Deep down he wishes he could just go into cryo and never wake up again, thing would be so much easier that way, if he could just disappear. Bucky can’t though, he had to be there for Steve and all these new people who are fighting for him. He needed to learn how to live again, with any help he could get, he just has trouble believing its all worth it most days.
One.
Two.
Three.
His arms quiver. There’s a threat that comes as a line of fire running up the line of his veins. Teeth grind together. Fingers dig into the earth. He’s had enough of getting knocked down. He won’t collapse here.
Four.
Five,
and he exhales the breath he’s been holding. Exertion wraps itself around his throat, making the cool air of early morning hard to breathe. He's been balancing on his hands, keeping himself upright, to prove he still could more than as an exercise. It used to be part of his routine, another way to meditate.
A bitter cough wracks his body. He could catch himself, but he falls, flat on his back. His lungs hurt. His spine hurts. He stares up at the overcast sky, as if he’d find an explanation on why he kept doing this to himself etched into the designs of the clouds.
When he stands, every part of him groans in protest. He heads inside, to find the pot of coffee he had put on earlier. Sleep wasn’t an option for people trying to burn themselves from both ends. Clint knows that better than most, knows the weight of fighting the world to find pieces of yourself. He walks past Bucky on his way to the shitty kitchen. He heads back, the full pot in his hand, because yeah. There’s no mistaking the look of someone who’s tired of falling into themselves.
He collapses on the chair across from Bucky, apparently not caring about getting the dirt from his clothes onto the furniture. His eyes are on him for only a brief second before he looks away, towards the wall. There’s nothing said for a minute. He lifts the pot up, drinking the coffee right from it. It’s long since cold by now. Then, quietly, “You don’t have to think so hard about why you’re fighting.”
Haven || Open
Realization hit him hard and fast almost as soon as the words were out of his mouth, shit. This guy was deaf, right? The only things Peter could sign were the ever-useful “go fuck yourself” and “dying fat man.” And he really didn’t think those two were applicable, and, from what he’d seen, Hawkeye hadn’t been too incapable in terms of understanding others. Even so, he felt relief flooding through him when he spoke up, but winced at his last words. Right. Peter felt like a right jerk. Oh well, words were out of his mouth now, no use trying to recover. Salvaging his smile, he sat down, laying his drink on the table and relaxing into the chair. The man looked so worn, he noted, trying not to stare at him. But he was unable to ignore the lines on his face, or the heavy emotion hidden in every movement he made, seemingly strung taut and cut loose at the same time. Then again, if he was right, and he usually was, there weren’t a lot of reasons for a guy like him to be happy lately. Not after what happened. The fight hadn’t been easy on anyone. Especially not those so deeply invested, unlike him. Peter considered himself lucky to be the outlier for once. “Uh, thanks. Lots,” he hums, awkward tapping his fingers against the side of his mug, unsure. Just speak, right? Yeah, just talk, sure he’ll understand it. Before Peter could let any more clumsy lines fall out of his mouth, he picked up his coffee, taking a long gulp to silence himself. Really, he wasn’t going to chase this guy off. Not when he was the one invading his space. He set his coffee down again, thoughts sorted enough to form a laudable thought by now, and spoke up again. “Hard of hearing?”
There wasn’t any hiding his smile that touched his face. He closed his eyes, letting his world fade to black. His thumb massaged over his cracked knuckles, trying to soothe some of the ache away. Clint had spent a lifetime making bad decisions, and the worst ones always seemed to be the people he got involved with. It shouldn’t have given him any satisfaction, remembering how strangers liked dancing around him whenever he alluded to his ‘condition’. It probably said something about him, that he still made jokes about it. Could’ve said more that he was used to people not holding punches when it came to questioning him anymore.
His shoulders rolled back, and the lines of his face seemed to smooth with them. His fingers tapped against the side of his mug, keeping rhythm with the pace of his heart. His attention was pulled back to the person seated next to him. “Something like that,” came the slow reply, after taking a second to study this kid’s face. He grabbed his mug again, with the realization it was more than youth making him uneasy. Anxiety almost seemed like familiarity. He was too old to trust an open face. With a raise of his mug, the ghost of a smile returned to him. “You’ve been sitting there for hours, and you picked the deaf guy to keep you company. As long as you’re not trying to push your mixtape, I’ll consider myself flattered.”