brain in a blog

25 year old nurse who loves journaling but hates her own handwriting so here we are.

[oh-saturdaysun]

January 15th, 2020

Well, it’s been 6 days since I’ve wrote. I’d be upset with myself, but I know it’s not that serious.

I’ve been surprisingly busy and not as depressed as I thought I’d be. Vitamin D and Jesus help that.

I’ve barely left the house in the past week. Last Friday, I got Mediterranean food with my family minus my sister. Then, a good friend and I went to a women’s event at our church. It was refreshing. Not good for my foot though, as standing and sitting normally make it sore. We both decided to start doing the “Bible in a year” class our church is offering. I just received mine in the mail. It’s beautiful. I know doing this will be great for my relationship with the Lord. 

Saturday I went to brunch with two college friends. We sat and talked for hours. This is something I realized I love doing. I love sitting and just talking with people, especially somewhere where there’s unlimited coffee, such as breakfast places. We caught up, reminisced, and discussed the future and potential plans.

Then, roll around to the hell that was Saturday night and Sunday. I got viciously nauseous Saturday night. Next thing I knew, at 1AM into Sunday I was vomitting up everything I ate the previous day. Sunday was spent barely being able to keep my eyes open and moreover move. It was thankfully a 24 hour virus as I felt almost normal the next day. Still pretty nauseous yesterday. Thankfully my foot has been great, or else that would have been much more uncomfortable.

I also started another period yesterday. Third one, 32 day cycle. It’s heavy as can be, too, almost to the point where I wonder if it’s normal. Thank goodness I finally made an OBGYN appointment that is tomorrow. I’m meeting with an NP which is also kind of cool. I haven’t been to an OBGYN since I was 18 or 19... yikes.

I also have my fourth post-op appointment tomorrow. I’m praying to be put into a shoe and to be cleared to go back to the gym. I’m visiting my boyfriend Sunday night and would like to go to the gym with him again. I miss weights and weight lifting. My at home non-weight bearing pilate-type workouts are getting a bit hold. They’re tough as can be, and I know I am getting stronger with them, but it’s not the same. I was made for the barbell and weights. I have some basic goals for the next three months with fitness. Mostly to get my strength back to where it was, and improve my muscle tone. I also want to go to physical therapy for my foot and left leg. Eventually, I’ll get more specific with my goals as the year goes on and my leg/foot recovers. I feel like this break from the gym will definitely make me hungry to be focused and dedicated to the gym.

However, I don’t want the gym to be central. My main goal in life in general is to get closer to the Lord. But, I know that can resonate to all areas of life. And I know it won’t always be pretty or perfect. It takes conscious effort and a lot of time, sacrifice. I don’t want to sacrifice my time with the Lord for the gym, or prepping my food. Therefore, I need to manage my time better. 

I’d like to write tomorrow. Mostly because I have so much to say. I’m catching up on a lot of school reading today, and practicing my physical assessment. I also cleaned my room for the first time since surgery. It felt nice to do so. I plan on working out today, too.

Hopefully I’ll write tomorrow.

[oh-saturdaysun]

January 9th, 2020

This is the third time I went to write the date and accidentally wrote 2019. 

I figured writing every other or every two days is most realistic. I don’t think future me is going to want to look back and read 300 something posts. Plus, my life isn’t exciting enough to post something new every day. 

Yesterday I finished all my school readings, so today I have to finish a powerpoint presentation and also study my head to toe assessment. I did a rough run through last night on my mom and realized I don’t know it as well as I think I do. Thank God I have a whole week with barely anything to do.

My boyfriend and I got in an argument yesterday. We were talking (or texting I should say, which I hate discussing things over) about how it’s going to be hard to see each other this spring because my brother is moving back in with us (as in my parents, and me because I live here), so he won’t have somewhere to sleep when he visits. This is sad, I know. But I also said I’ll make it to him as much as I can, but I started clinical. So a lot of days I spend off will consist of days at the urgent care. Then, he had the balls to make a comment that if we’re seeing each other less don’t get mad when we have sex a lot. This made me really upset, because I’ve talked to him about how I don’t want our relationship to be about sex and doing it all the time. I’ve already struggled a lot with doing it with him period. I definitely know that’s not what the relationship is about because he does love me in so many other ways and we became a couple before we even did anything sexual period. So I just said something like “Really?That’s what you’re thinking about?” He swore he was kidding, but I thought otherwise. Then we got into a long discussion. We both apologized, but the texting tension is there. It’s 9:19 and he has yet to text me good morning. As petty as this sounds, I know that means something is wrong. 

I went to my life group last night. It was so refreshing. I realized I do dread going sometimes because I know I feel conviction for some things in my life. I know I’m not doing everything in my power to be closer to the Lord. I sin. A lot. I blatantly do things I know doesn’t serve God. But I won’t give up on my relationship with Him. This group is helping me do so... to stay in line with Him. I also enjoy it just for what it is.

Well, I’m going to relax and elevate all day. I’ll write this weekend.

[oh-saturdaysun]

January 7th, 2019

And yet, another run of me forgetting to write in here and almost throwing in the towel with my New Year’s resolution of documenting my life. I’m also just trying to keep the promises I make to myself, therefore something as simple as sitting my ass down and typing for 30 minutes needs to get done.

It’s also really nice when I need to elevate my foot. 

Anyway, I spent last weekend at my boyfriend’s. We had a nice weekend. Relaxing, but kinda bittersweet as he started prep for his next bodybuildig show yesterday so it was really the last weekend we could spend as a normal couple. And by “normal” I mean eating whatever and drinking together. As of yesterday he has to weigh every gram of food, avoid all alcohol and not eat out. I often try to tell him that you can eat out and still fit it into your diet (and even have one beer) but he doesn’t want to even dabble with that concept. So, he said he would be open to going with me out to eat and not order food. Depressing idea, but possible.

We also went out for dinner and then drinks with my good friend and her boyfriend. He doesn’t like drinking, but still drank beer with me and stayed out later than he would like. I appreciate him doing these things, yet the more we do them the more he thinks I am in love with going out and getting drunk. I really am not. I don’t desire to get drunk, but it is nice to be a twenty-something and go out and enjoy drinks with friends. 

Moving onto my foot,things are going along so nicely. This Friday I will be four weeks. I’m up and about with the boot with pretty much no pain, just some soreness after being up for awhile. Swelling fluctuates, but it really is looking like a normal foot here and there. 

I started my class back up again. It reminds me that I really don’t have as much free time as I’d like, even with not working at all. All time I spend not studying isn’t really free time, mostly like avoiding doing my school work. I’ve been doing a lot of reading. Between school, and reading Tuesday’s With Morrie, and Jordan Peterson’s 12 Rules for Life audiobook on my longer rides. My good friend and I are doing a 12 months book challenge where we read a book a month. 

Another tidbit of life, I have been praying for guidance for my mother. She got offered a job at the surgical center I went to for my bunionectomy. She new the manager and a lot of the nurses and they really want her. It doesn’t pay as good but is a better work environment. I tell her I think she should do it, but he job now pays really, really well. She wants to retire so bad, but my dad tells her she can’t yet. It’s sad that my parents, both 60, who have worked their assess off since their early twenties, can’t even retire. I know it’s mostly because they supported us through college, and we do live comfortably. This was my main motivation to become a nurse practitioner. It’s something I could see myself doing for many more years. 

Well, I better go on with the day. I worked out, showered, and not I’m going to try to cook a roast for my family that I won’t be eating tonight since I’m meeting a close friend at a restaurant. It’ll feel nice to go out and be social. After one whole day of not leaving the house (yesterday), I feel like a hermit. And I love cooking for my family, which happens few and far between.

[stephenearp]

On a clear morning

[robertmitchum]

May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art -- write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself.

Neil Gaiman

[pereczke]

Cocoa,Milk and Tea

Soon you will be able to use them in instagram stories without the background and create cozy pictures! :)

Just search for @pereczke!

[oh-saturdaysun]

January 2nd, 2020

I realized I just want to name my entries after the dates. May that will help me find them in the future when I want to read back on my life. 

I’m going to make this one short. Mostly because it’s already 2pm and I haven’t really done the things I normally do in the day such as study, read, and workout because my boyfriend just left to go back home. He unexpectedly got last night off, so I invited him (with my parent’s blessing) to our annual New Year’s day dinner of crab legs. It was delicious. We played a game after. 

I probably won’t write until Sunday, since I’m staying with my boyfriend tomorrow and Saturday night. I’m going to bring my books to study since he will probably be sleeping sometime that I am there since he has been on night shift. Saturday night we’re supposed to get drinks with my good friend who lives in his city and her boyfriend. However, he doesn’t want go out. I’m much more social than him. This is something that we sometimes bicker about. I want him to enjoy being social. I understand he doesn’t like getting drunk, and neither do I. He has that conception because we went out quite a bit and drank when we first started dating. I tried telling him that’s not what I want the norm to be out of our relationship. Despite this, we can still go out and grab a few drinks. I know he likes beer and whiskey, so it’s not like he just doesn’t like alcohol. I’m also in this boot still, which limits what we can do for fun.

I’ve decided on a plan to dive into connecting with the Lord daily. I picked up a devotional book of my mom’s that has short devotions with associated scripture. I figured I could do these everyday, even on those that I work since they are very short. On my off days, I can handwritten journal quickly in a devotional journal my sister got me in addition to my other short readings. This way, I can have a journal and quick notes written down directly related to my faith and the Lord. However, I do want this to be a way that I communicate with the Lord. I think it’s important to know that everything we speak, write, type, think, etc. is a conversation with Him. But, I would like to have hand written accounts to Him. But that’s just too much to do on my work days.

 As far as this, I think it may be easier just to scribble type things when I don’t feel like it (AKA end of a long shift). Work days don’t bring much events unless it was an intense or emotional shift. I guess that could help my anger associated with working.

That’s all for today. I’m going to study, workout, and I believe grab a drink with two friends later since I still need to give them their Christmas gifts. I got personalized matching ornaments with all our names on them. I’ve known these girls going on 14 years. It feels nice to be able to go places without crutches.

[oh-saturdaysun]

2020

And, here we have it, 2020 is here. Last post I reflected on last year’s events. I guess I would like to discuss what I learned through everything that happened. In preventing rambling as I normally do, I’ll mostly make a list rather than a paragraph discussing each thing like I did last post. Some things I learned are good, some are helpful, harsh, positive and negative.

-I don’t need to kill myself in the gym to see progress

-I use my phone/social media too much 

-I naturally have a higher little body fat percentage, and that’s OK. 

-I can do things I never thought were possible/hopeless (AKA getting my period back, finding love)

-My life revolves around myself, and I want to desperately change that

(Piggybacking off previous)-Just because I am a nurse, I will not get proper fulfillment about helping others

-I am more passionate about the medical aspect of nursing than the bedside care 

-I don’t always align my values with my actions

-I really want to have a family someday, and own a home

-My mother is truly one of the best people I will ever know

-I am not as positive as I think I am. Sometimes, when the going gets tough I jump to conclusions and have a hard time seeing the long-term process

There are plenty more. But, as we can see, I am hard on myself. I compare myself. I see all these things people are doing with their lives, relationships, careers, faith, finances, fitness, etc. and I don’t see myself doing those things. But that motivates me. To be a better human, to be more kind and caring, to save more money, to be more discipline, to be more ambitious. But all these things are easier said than done. They take effort, discipline, conscious thought and action. Prayer. Persistence. I think with me, even if I don’t always have the grit, discipline, or proper action, I never really give up trying to be better. But I want to reach a point where I stopped trying and start doing. 

However, to achieve things, we often have to give up something rather than DO something. That is another lesson I have learned this year. For example, to get my period back I had to give up crossfit and trying to diet and lose weight. To find love, I had to give up trying to find the “perfect” man and give up my guard and time to invest in that love. To be closer to people and spend time with them, I had to give up my intense fitness and food regimen and being precise with my schedule. To get my bunion fixed, I had to give up my busy body lifestyle to slow down and heal. 

This is enough for today. My sister, her husband and my brother are coming over for dinner tonight with me and my parents. It’s tradition for us to have a nice crab leg dinner every New Years day. Last night I went to a party with my best friend from birth. There wasn’t many people and I really didn’t know anyone, but it was still fun. I had a few drinks but was able to drive home late. I didn’t make plans because I had no clue how my foot was going to feel. There was no way I could have gone out to the bars with my boot, and I’d like to think I have outgrown getting wasted on NYE. 

Well, I’m going to exercise from home, get ready and try to study some. I’ll probably practice some piano as well before my sibling come over. 

[oh-saturdaysun]

New Year’s Eve

Here we are, just barely into 2020. I guess this post can be a reflecting on the past 365 days. 

This year has been so full of events, emotions, happenings, and new beginnings. For starters, I began day shift at my job as a nurse. Getting off night shift was like a breath of air after being underwater drowning. 

I went to Europe for 2 weeks with my cousin and visited 4 countries. Just before this, I met my boyfriend at a bar while being out with friends celebrating one of my best friend’s birthdays.

Him and I kept in touch via text and snapchat during my vacation, and he admitted that he was seriously rather nervous of me meeting a European man. Yes, I did meet a few men while overseas (kissed them and danced with them, but nothing more), yet I was reluctant to stay in touch due to the reality of seeing any of them. All while I was away, he was on my mind. A week after I returned, we agreed to meet up. He drove two hours across the state to go putt putting with me and grab a drink. That was when it mostly began.

Having him in my life this year has been such a change. I was so attuned to being single, using dating apps, getting to know new men, going on dates, getting disappointing. Now I have a foundation. One with someone I know loves me more than I ever imagined a man could love me. Unconditionally. Without doubt. It’s rather impressive. 

My sister got married. The wedding was one for the books, so elegant and full of hours of dancing, drinks, and fun. My sister’s husband is perfect for her. I had the joy of being her MOH and saying a speech. My boyfriend was my date and graciously took in all my family and my crazy dancy.

My period started again. After 7 years of not having one due to dieting and overexercising, I got it back. Earlier this year, I gave up crossfit and switched over to more bodybuilding/strength training. Along with the decrease in cardio-based workouts and eating more, I also gained about 20 pounds. Some days, I miss my old body. Others, I feel confident in my larger, curvier body. The bigger boobs are definitely nice. I’m sure my boyfriend would agree. The fact that I met someone I love and loves me at the heaviest I have ever been is kind of ironic. Especially since I always dieted to be more attractive, telling myself maybe I’d find someone when I achieved my “dream figure”. 

I joined a group at my church with my best friend. In simple terms, a women’s bible study that I meet with once a week. Although I wasn’t as consistent with it as I would have liked, it opened my eyes to the faith of other women and their love for the Lord. I was also able to go to the young adults worship group that meets once a week at the same church. 

Last, but certainly not least, I had my bunion surgery. Going into a New Year with limited abilities is somewhat serene. I feel as if I have more time to relax and ponder what I really want out of the New Year. I am really not one for resolutions, but I do believe in the importance of looking at the year and knowing what you want out of it. But, that is a post for another day. This one is already far too long.

My foot looks so much different just within a week. Seeing it evolve from a  ballooned up, red, puffy, bruised, and barely even resembling a foot to a slightly puffy and bruised foot is quite amazing. The human body is incredible. My pain is almost nonexistent (except in the mornings), and the doctor said I could try to ditch the crutches. All of this within 16 days. Only 26-40 days until I should be all healed to begin nursing again. 

Today I woke up and read Tuesday’s With Morrie. My dad is making me eggs since I cooked him some yesterday. I’m about to play some of my game, practice my piano, shower, study for my head to toe assessment, and later I’m going to my best friend friend’s house for New Year’s Eve. I didn’t make any plans for the night since my foot, but decided to do something lowkey since last year I spent with my parents as well. 

I’ll try to write tomorrow. 

[oh-saturdaysun]

I’m really bad at this

Well, the title says it all. I said I would “definitely” post on Christmas Eve, yet such a thing never happened. I really need to stop telling myself things that I am not sure will be able to happen. Or telling other people things.

The positive of not writing in almost a week is I have been occupied. Christmas Eve, Christmas and the days following were busy, fast, yet memorable times. Or at least I am trying to make it memorable way by summing them up in this post. I really did not get any pictures of the holidays due to my condition; partly because I probably didn’t want to tolerate standing long enough for a picture and partly because I really don’t feel confident or my best looking getting ready/”pretty” for this condition. 

Anyway, I’ll do my best to jot down the events of the week. It has been difficult, but sweet nonetheless. I’ll sum it in the way that 30 year old, 40 year and old, and thereafter me would enjoy reading. That’s my ultimate goal of this blog, anyway. 

First, I guess I can write about my ominous foot recovery. It has been wonderful. Things really started getting better on the 26th. For Christmas, I was able to go to my boyfriend’s house for dinner and then to his apartment for two nights. I woke up to minimal soreness and didn’t feel any through the day. I was able to go to a comedy show Saturday with him and then the Lion’s versus Packers game yesterday with him and his family. The game was a gift from his mom and the show was a gift from Joe. Going out in public (especially to a football game with many, many stairs) requires one to swallow their pride and not be afraid to look silly. I refuse to not to do so in harm of missing out on memories. 

So I sit here today, with my foot yet still elevating and still in my pajamas (a new pair from Somo that my aunt got me, why get dressed early when you have no where to be and they’re comfy beyond belief?). I have began reading a new book, Tuesday’s With Morrie, due to it’s simple and wholesome nature and being easy to read. I’m off from school for another week, yet need to practice my head to toe physical assessment for residency in January. 

My boyfriend left last night to go to a job he picks up at the holidays to make extra money. We spent five days together--the most we have ever spent. We did argue, but always made up with peace and understanding. We talk about (sometimes more so argue) life’s greatest questions such as morality, faith, love, and other issues. We do disagree on some things, yet agree on the big picture. I shared some anxieties I have in a relationship with him, one being falling in love with someone who doesn’t share my faith. He then concluded that was why I asked him the first night we met if he believed in God (which he said yes). I told him he was correct. Yet I have shared before that believing in God could mean almost anything, as “god” is a universal term. Yet despite his skepticism of religion and the church, he continues to ensure me he does believe in the Bible, its stories, and the stories and faith of Jesus Christ. I told him I could tell this through his grace, patience, and love. At this point, we have only been together for 4.5 months, yet we discuss marriage quite a bit. It’s evident we are both intending on marrying one another. I guess it’s good my mom has told me that if I don’t marry him, she will.

Enough of the heavier stuff. Backtracking, Christmas was a delight. My mother had family over at our house (I say “our” because yes, I do still live with my parents), and we ate a delicious brisket and exchanged gifts. Although difficult because my foot was still uncomfortable at this time, I enjoyed being surrounded by loved ones during a rather lonely and disabling time. Christmas morning was just as wonderful. My brother, sister, and brother-in-law spent the night. We unopened gifts, and I was reminded yet again of what an amazing and giving mother I have. She never fails to go all out on Christmas and spoil her children. The fact that she has always done this and we turned out as decent, caring human beings showcases her ability to raise disciplined and grateful children. I pray to one day be able to do for my children all she has done to me.

Out of all my gifts, my favorite has to be a little book my mom got me on leadership. It’s a christian based workbook on how to be confident enough in yourself to lead and become assertive. My mom always tells me I need more of both. I agree. New intentions for 2020?

Alright, this is enough. I could go on and on and on about the details of the past week, but I don’t want to exhaust my future self. I am predicting I will write tomorrow, and maybe then I can include more details, since much won’t be happening this evening. I do have my third post-op appointment today. Other than that, I will be reading, playing a computer game (yes, I do this), and talking to my boyfriend when I can. I plan on also getting in a quick non-weightbearing exercise to attempt to stay somewhat fit during this gym hiatus. I was unable to last night as I was exhausted for some reason.

[oh-saturdaysun]

Christmas Eve Eve

Tonight I sit here in a much better emotional state. I feel improvement today. My second post-op appointment was today. I saw a different podiatrist as mine is out of town. He was very thorough and reassuring. He believes my foot was sprained during the procedure, causing me to have more pain and swelling in my foot than normal.

Furthermore, my foot has tremendously improved in just 3 days. 3 days of elevating like hell and resting as much as possible; resting so much I would only get up to use the restroom and take a shower. 3 days on top of another whole week of immobilization. After seeing how much my foot has progressed and is beginning to look like a real foot again (and a normal non-deformed foot), I see how much resting and elevation is paying off.

I also asked the surgeon about visiting my boyfriend on Wednesday as I had planned. Thankfully, I got the OK from him. He said it wouldn’t delay my progression. This has further motivated me to continue with my discipline in recovery for the next full day. 

I was even able to get a small workout in doing simple movements such as arms, core, and leg lifts. It felt good to feel my heart rate increase, my muscles be sore, and my breath become somewhat short. I can see my body has changed in just a short 10 days. However, I know my motivation and desire to become disciplined in my fitness will be through the roof after I recover from this. I have already discussed with my boyfriend about him writing me a program for when I am good to go. 

It’s funny, because I remember one reason I used Tumblr to blog my weight loss religiously back in 10th grade. This was the moment that triggered the downfall of my disordered eating and exercise. I am oh so thankful I was pulled out of that rabbit hole by the grace and strength of God and my willingness to not give up. 

I sit here watching the Office Christmas episodes as my brother is over for dinner and wrapping gifts. Mom and dad ordered Chinese food, which of course I had to indulge in. I have basically had no control over my food choices, yet somehow I am not concerned or bothered by this. Years ago this would have driven me mad. 

Overall, this recovery process has allowed me to focus a lot on my school work (which I have a break from for 2 weeks now), movies, and relaxing. What I have really abandoned is my faith. I haven’t cracked my bible open all recovery, and my prayer has been weak. This is not me, and I am not sure why I am so reluctant to invest more time with all of it that I have. I always know it’s never too late and there is never a bad time to give my time to God. I have definitely learned that my negative mindset last weekend was a direct reflection of my distance from Him. I know in order to be patient and gracious in this process, I must dive into my relationship with Him. I suppose one way to start is to ensure I can get my family to come with me to church tomorrow. I hate church being the driving force in how close I am currently to the Lord, yet it often unfolds as such.

Another small bit that happened today: My boyfriend got a bit upset over me admitting to going over our Christmas budget. I did spend quite a bit over with everything, yet the main chunk of the price was a couples spa package. I hate to admit, but I divided that price in half and added the two other things I got to the total and it was only slightly over the budget. I don’t consider my end of the package as part of the price. He demanded he go out and get me something else as he is all for fairness and equality, yet I refused and said I don’t care. Apparently his gift is very meaningful, and he has been dropping hints about what it is, and how it’s part of a bigger plan of is. Based on his clues, I feel it is some sort of jewelry. He said he wants to give it to me alone since I might get emotional. A promise ring? I have no clue, but I know whatever he gets me I will adore. 

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. I will definitely be making a post at some time. I am really enjoying the convenience of typing my thoughts and small bits throughout my day. 

[oh-saturdaysun]

First post

I’ve had a Tumblr since I was very young. Today, I decided I wanted to begin documenting my life. Through the years, I have been inconsistently writing in a journal. There would be moments of motivation to write my thoughts, what’s going on in my life, and feelings onto paper. This would soon fizzle out as I not only despise my hand writing, but I tell myself I am far too busy to write paragraphs in a journal. 

I knew not only would finding a way to consistently journal would aid my mental space and position, future Audrey would be beyond grateful for the glimpse into my younger self and what was going on. I realized how many moments in my past that come to surface that are difficult to recall. I begin wishing I knew details, how I felt, how others treated me, how I treated other, lessons I learned, etc. 

So naturally, Tumblr was the first website that I knew how to navigate easily and offered a free place to spit out my thoughts and current life. I had never thought of swallowing my pride and diving back into blogging. Right now, I have a lot of time on my hands to do so; in addition, I have a lot of anger, frustration, and doubt.

On December 13th, I had an elective foot surgery. I had a left bunionectomy. I’ve had bunions ever since I can remember, and I have been dying to get this surgery. I have 6-8 weeks off work. I was beyond stoked to get the bunion removed, and I was optimistic that my young, athletic and healthy body could recover with ease in order to return to not only work as a nurse but to my hobby of fitness/lifting weights. 

Yet here I am, 9 days post op. My foot is elevated, and thankfully I am not in pain when I am sitting here. However, standing is almost impossible. My surgeon said pain should be dissipating by now. Yet every morning I make my way to the bathroom, only to be in tears by the time I get back to the chair. I pop a Norco, elevate again, and it’s all good. But the thought of not being able to walk with my boot and crutches without having severe pain makes me sick to my stomach. Especially since my surgeon said this is not normal. 

Yesterday, I texted him my concerns. I saw him at an extra visit 3 days ago because of the pain I was experiencing. He loosened the dressing and examined my foot. He expressed concern about infection due to a red and tender area on the outer part of my foot that is not even near my incisions. So Saturday he started me on antibiotics.

Yet this morning the pain was excruciating again. I am losing hope. How is it that I am getting worse? This wasn’t the way it was supposed to be. Anxiety casts over me as I worry not being ready for work by February. I also begin clinical for my nurse practitioner program, and I am doubting I can do that. 

But then I also feel guilty. Guilty that when one inconvenience daunts me, I feel as if I am falling apart. I have been so blessed with health, love, and relationships. My mother and father wait on me hand and foot. My boyfriend reminds me to stay positive. But I am going insane. As someone who loves to move and be active, I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

Christmas is Wednesday, and I was supposed to go to my boyfriend’s. Yet he lives two hours away, and there is not way my foot can handle the drive. I predict this week will be another of only getting up to use the restroom, and spending the holiday most chair bound. 

Tomorrow I have my second post-operation appointment. I pray I can express my concerns to the doctor and get some answers. Today, my sister is coming over and we are supposed to make Christmas cookies with her and my mom. I hope I can participate while sitting without too much pain.

I hope to make posts outside this issue going on. I refuse to be continue to be fixated on what I am incapable of doing. The next two weeks I will be without school readings or assignments due to Christmas break. I will use this time to read, practice for my physical assessment practical, and to journal.