it's a beverage thing

or a seizure

[ohangelmyangel]

December 31

I sleep tonight

With a knowing smile

For it's my first time living tomorrow,

And my alarm will go off the same

Time it went off this day

And I hope a little more today

To hate a little less

The same sound from yesterday.

-oama

[ohangelmyangel]

Good Morning

A poem with only a title

A head with only a thought

A feeling left incomplete

A battle never fought.

A road still dusty and potholed

The sun - a round red-yellow blob

Stones left turned and unturned

A huge traffic and a still stuck bus.

Amongst still air and stale breath

Knees bent and head tilts

Ice feet and a story left unread -

Lives a hug that never ends.

-oama

[ohangelmyangel]

It's nothing really - switching the lights off before I leave, making sure nothing electric is on before locking my door. I have known this since the day I became sentient; since the day I found free will and what happens when one has too much of it; since the day I took my first step as a bipedal.

And yet.

As I walk through my now darkened room - I think of you.

-oama

[ohangelmyangel]

I don't even like him anymore

So why is it that I keep making up scenarios in my head

Why is it that every thought circles back to me and my aching delusions

Why am I at a bottleneck I'm convinced is so narrow that I have to always, always look back for him?

For a guy who never respected me and my efforts, WHY.

And I can't watch a series without seeing you in some guy and his expressions

I can't be excited about my favorite movie because it's you I last watched it with

I can't come back to my room after a long day - exhausted - waiting for a call that will never come.

-oama

[ohangelmyangel]

November chills

And it's the same chilly afternoon

From eleven years ago

The same cloudy grey skies I saw

From my seat by the window

Frozen toes in grey socks and leather shoes

Goosebumps prickling through those blues

I seat myself today, this chilly afternoon

A chair by a cliff, my navy slacks stiff

I smell the air

Perhaps for the first time in a very long while

Of course I forgot!, I smile

But I know behind the scenes and for the last time

In a very long while I see

It's not you it's me.

-oama

[ohangelmyangel]

How do I feel tonight

There is a teardrop stuck in my chest

Sometimes in my heart

Sometimes in my throat

And sometimes

In the breath I take.

It forces my chest to collapse -

My ribs deflate,

My spine crumbles,

I force my chest awake with each breath

And each breath the teardrop takes -

Hungry - with practiced vengeance.

The wheels turn

My bones whir

The teardrop

My teardrop

As pretty as it is stuck in between

I swallow

Sometimes with a crumpled face

Sometimes with a claw on my neck

And sometimes

With my heart on a chain.

-oama

[ohangelmyangel]

For You

June 4

I should have held you tighter

Oh dear lord I should have held you so!

I wish desperately -

As if that would ease the ache in my chest tonight

As if I didn't tighten my arms then

As if despite it all, it's supposed to not feel so empty now

June 15 0:28

It's not a big deal, it really is not. I just,I just wish someone cared enough. There's so many people around me and I wish someone, someone cared enough. And I know at this point I will think of how everyone has something going on in their life that I am not aware of, and I think of how I rarely reach out to people, and I think of how I rarely lend my shoulder for people to cry on.

Despite it all, I wish I had someone just to lean my head on for a while.

June 15 1:20

I see him and somehow it all goes away.

Do I just forget? In him? With him?

Am I just blinded? By him? With him?

Is it my will? Is it my way? Is it breathing? In every spring leaf it sways?

I want to find out. I want to dig it out. I want to grab it by the roots and shake it awake.

Are you slumbering for the right moment? Or is it... because of him?

July 31, Thursday 19:02

August 2 12:00

I held my heart open in agony and you walked through that door when you didn't even have a plane to catch.

August 2 20:45

If I could talk to you today, I'd tell you what a good emergency shift I had today; how I managed two red triaged patients albeit with a lot of help; how for the first time I felt like my years of study were really me working hard - how I was so extremely happy after this really long week. But I can not, for you'd rather give up on us, on me.

August 3

YOU, you gave me so much in three months and in one week smashed it into smithereens; in one week you showed me something crystal clear - if it were me in that situation instead of my mother, you could NEVER be my father.

August 5

Baani nai ta ho, chutihalcha. Tara baani nai ta ho, banaincha pani

August 6

You wanted a fun week while here I was going through one of the worst weeks of my life. And you were the one who got "emotionally detached".

August 6

You make your future you know, you don't run when you don't get what you wished for. The Daya to your Jethalal will always be me and you will never get me again - in this lifetime or the next. And when I meet aunty in the afterlife I'll tell her what you did to me and let her be the judge of your character. She'll love you nonetheless but one part of her will know, and that will break you more than you can ever imagine.

August 7

The sun just stopped shining one day. My sun. On me. Stopped shining. And in that one week of dark clouds it took away my one last ray of sunshine.

August 8

I am still searching for reasons to love you. I am still imagining my reaction when you call. But it was never a matter of when you come, but of when I leave.

August 8

What do I do, when there is no one to hug me, and no one who looks at me as i look at them and tell me - it's okay, you've been so strong; rest a little.

August 10 13:24

What is love?

It's the pieces of yellow and green craft paper I have lying around my flat, waiting to become your favorite flowers.

August 10 13:49

You won't want me, of course you wont. You don't know who I am anymore. And if you ever think of me, don't.

No.

I don't want you thinking of me because I do. Think of you. And when I do, this is what I see instead of the future we promised -

You having fun, and me faking a smile

You cracking a joke, and me dead inside

August 10 15:32

And maybe she'll finally love you right. Maybe she'll ask for things she loves and you will immediately say of course. Maybe she'll bring you gifts you explicitly adore. And may it never be the way I loved - always late and a little faded. May you show your vulnerability with her within a space so sacred you'd never even consider blaspheming the thought of her.

Maybe she'll say I feel uncherished during the lows instead of begging for a little bit of your time and may that twist a knife into your heart so deep you will show her the light at the end of the tunnel on repeat. May your highs always be brighter and infinite to lift you from the lows. May you find your person and spend the rest of your life falling in love with her again and again. May you finally love the right person the right way and may she love you the same way.

- oama

[ohangelmyangel]

Is it the night that bothers you

Or the sun

For I could bring the both of them down

Just for you

-oama

[ohangelmyangel]

On a winter morning

When the clouds shun the sun

And the wind hammers through your not so humble abode

You will ache

To see a shadow of my smile.

It will start one winter morning -

The ache -

An arrow to your heart

A knife to your throat

A prick in your eyes

It will consume you

Your clothes will be too tight

A bath might soothe you

Or a candle, maybe two.

You will ache all through tomorrow

Then

Go about your day.

-oama

[ohangelmyangel]

How long can someone wait

For a book?

How long

Before I go myself?

How long

Will I wait for my cravings to be satisfied

By the likes of someone and their whims?

How long

Before I cave in?

-oama

[ohangelmyangel]

Basil's plight

Smothered by my Dorian

I lay,

Bleeding into my words.

Dorian! Dorian!

Where art thou, my Dorian!

Picture perfect -

My Dorian on the wall,

Through my eyes -

My angel, my lighthouse in the night.

-oama

[ohangelmyangel]

BREAKFAST

I sleep tonight, a smile on my lips,

Your heart in my hand.

The sun wakes me up and I am cold,

Colder than the night before;

My hands in a fist - the size of my heart and I smile, for

How could my hands

Ever hold a heart such as yours.

-oama

[ohangelmyangel]

I stare into the mirror

Through the light and into my eyes

Red streaks across bare skin;

Red, dry against chewed thin nails;

Red, fresh through creases pierce

The glass, through the light and

Into my eyes.

My hands curl and the light screams

Shattering through the walls

I stare, fresh red millions stare back

Millions blur, I blink them back

Faucet open my hands uncurl,

Red - fresh through creases - stare back.

-oama

[ohangelmyangel]

I plucked it right off a rose bush and for a while, for a really long while, it decorated my shelves, my prose, my poetry. It rolled on my carpet and slept on my bed. It danced to music without air, and I danced to her tunes of despair.

I surrendered. To us. Scorned alone by the world we became each other's solace. In my misery I forgot what I'd plucked was not a rose. In our warmth I closed my eyes to the scorching fire I held, relished the burns she gave.

Those wounds, maybe they were my cries for help. Maybe my laugh lines held tears instead.

-oama

[ohangelmyangel]

I can trace the shape of your lips in the shadows

Can still feel the blood pulsing through your veins as I held your neck in my palm,

Too afraid to caress, too bold to control

myself. me and my desires, my whims

I bleed onto you, you let them seep through

Your eyelashes and your smile.

Oh! But to bleed onto your lips!

Is heaven come true.

-oama

[ohangelmyangel]

My dear friend friends,

Please do not mind my hugs that are a little tighter, the kisses I pepper all over your face, the bites I leave on your arms. Do not mind the excitement leaking in my voice as we talk, the smile on my smile I never seem to switch off, the bounce in my steps as we walk. Please do not mind the distance we may later have, the long days of no contact, the barely scheduled calls rarely not cut short.

My dear sunshines, please do not mind when I hug you a lot tighter tonight.

-oama

[ohangelmyangel]

I'm holding on

To the sea I'm drowning in.

-oama