[ohbrendachan]

Would this be considered toxic?

[kooksv]

smiley bby (cr. sequence_jk)

[ohbrendachan]

Love Songs

For some reason I can’t enjoy love songs as I’ve use to. Before I’ve always thought and imagined that those songs were him singing to me. Now when I hear it- it just hurts.  Every lyric that I thought were true now all sound like lies. Now breakup songs are the only ones that make sense..and hurts less because it all sounds true. 

[ohbrendachan]

It’s funny. 

I can’t listen to love songs the way I use to. 

I use to imagine that these “love” songs were you..singing to me. I use to think that they were about me.  They expressed all the words that you couldn’t. You were always better at showing me then telling me and I always understood it. I ‘ve always felt it and I never questioned it.  I knew that you loved me as much as i do you.  But now, since 2016 as days, months, and years passed. Love music started hurting. Every single time I try to enjoy a song I find myself struggling to hold back tears. I find myself in heartache. I feel insecure, hopeless, worthless, and even useless. Since it happened. Since I found out. Since we’ve talked about pretending it never happened. Why do I regret it? Why do I feel like it was wrong for me to fight for you? Why can’t I get over it? Why can’t I get passed it?   Even after that little rendezvous you had, and stating that you both never did anything,  we healed for a moment, but inside it kills me. Every Year, every moment, every thing I try to enjoy just seems broken now, and I can’t control these feelings. I’m trying to forget.. I really am. I need to stop typing my feelings before I start crying.. but who else can I turn to for help when I’m dying inside, and slowly before it consumes whatever else is left of me.  

[ohbrendachan]

Here we go again.

I’m just gonna prove that I can do with or without you. 

[ohbrendachan]

Still hurts to this day..that I will never be your first. And that will always be a sensitive topic for me. Because you were mine.  

[ohbrendachan]

Just Ranting.

I don’t know why I am the way I am. 

I don’t understand why I do the things I do. 

I just can’t help it and can’t seem to reroute the source of all these fuckin’ “issues.”

I don’t have OCD. 

I just have expectations and these expectations need to be a reality that everyone needs to set their standards to. Simple as that. 

Responsibilities of a job. The position you applied for, the duties, the criteria, everything that you need to do to make sure that  this facility is held to the highest of standards and  customer service is more than just making a sandwich. It’s a reputation that we need to keep because we are the face of the store. No money for the facility. Means no money for you. 

I noticed my cousins parents can change, except for mine. Mine are stuck in their old ways and it gets frustrating because they don’t even want to do it for the better or even try to understand other family members that are seriously just growing up and its a part of life. I thought with old age comes WISDOM, that seems like a false statement. 

I have trust issues. Constantly and I just can’t fuckin’ help it. No matter how much I tell myself “fuck it” or ‘i don’t fuckin care’  I end up hurting myself. I just can’t accept it. 

I’m a happy person but I’m never ever truly satisfied. I feel like i don’t deserve to live. 

Oh yeah, munchkin 3 will be premiering in May of 2019

[cyanide-chicken]

kiki

patreon | print

[bakwaaas]

You gotta understand that some people never really grow. They never learn their lesson. They never recognise their mistakes, they never acknowledge their faults, they never admit they were in the wrong. You will never receive an apology from them, and you will never see their behaviour change.

[jannahflowers-deactivated201712]

[ohbrendachan]

November 30, 2018

It’s always hard trying to make yourself feel better. Or well for me it is. I have a third child on the way, Probably the last one I’ll ever have.  So it’s hard for me to control my feelings. I’m not trying to blame the my pregnancy for the roller coaster rides of emotions I am having lately, but it’s hard to suck it up and hold it in. It sucks having to hold things in and not have anyone to talk to. Anyone that can honestly care to listen and help guide me. Sometimes a little help doesn’t hurt.   Being strong for my two kids  feels like it’s getting harder each day that I try and “keep my cool.”  I’m trying not to stress to prevent any issues with my unborn child. When I was pregnant with Roxas I was in a horrible state. Both physically and mentally.  I didn’t think I right, I was constantly stressed, constantly angry, constantly depressed and I could just not get by. I wanted to die every day, I wanted to give up. I just wanted to stop. Everything, And I’m starting to feel this way again. Even worse then before.  I really want everything to just be easy, this time. At least for me just this once. There’s so much expected of me it’s like I never have a chance to breathe.  My family, my job, myself. I can’t even take care of myself how can I do so onto others?  I really hate that I have to come here and express myself to strangers, people who don’t even know me. But I guess it’s better that way, there’s people who may give me real truth, who may help me through this. Because I’m trying to keep myself from going insane.  I’m losing every part of me.  I don’t want anything to end badly.  Over stupid selfish ass reasons. My thoughts are all over the place. I’m a fucking mess. It’s going to be another year that passes through and it’s still the same shit over and over again, Maybe I’m just really not the one.  Maybe I don’t belong with anyone. Maybe I don’t have a purpose, but to only provide for others. I fuckin’ hate this. I deserve any bad shit that comes my way. I’m a worthless, meaningless, human being that GOD wasted his time on making. 

I seriously thought I was going to die today when the other car was only an inch from hitting me.   He rushed on a yellow light to turn quickly as I was making my way to the other lane and that idiot almost hit me while my children were in the car. The car was on my side directly facing me, luckily they slammed on the brakes. I slowed down  and just looked at them and continued on.  

I also got sent home early to work today. It was seriously not a good day to be sent home but I did. Because they didn’t like my kid sitting alone at the table minding his own business and said it didn’t look good for the facility.  So I lost money today. Money that helps provide for my kids.  And I hate that.  I hate that so much,  They couldn’t let it slide just this once. ONLY ONCE. He just needed to be there until it was over. People bring there kids to work every once in awhile don’t they????

But fuck them.  If they want me to make those kind of decisions then I will. 

Who’s gonna have to pay me in the end they will. 

Im beginning to become angry. I guess it’s better than crying like a little bitch.   

[ohbrendachan]

Full Time

I fuckin use to love my job and the people I USE to work with. It use to be no drama AT ALL . Everyone did something and new what to do. We all were fast as fuck. Smart as fuck and shit we had the best customer service. Morality was at its highest! But now with the management we have now everyone is lazy, everyone take shot, coming into work is depressing, expecting for certain things to be done in a ridiculous amount of time so you would have to come in off the clock or stay later on the clock and get your time changed illegally just to satisfy the higher managements. Nah I never complained about my pay. But you ain’t gonna go and start changing the times that I ever worked. That doesn’t go by me. It’s not my fault that I accidentally went over trying to keep the facility straight. Nah if you ever change my time so it can fit your needs, it needs to be adjusted and given to me on a different day. Either way you better make sure I get paid my shit. Or this is going another route. Resignation form is already ready. Don’t ever try some stupid shit like that ever. All th hard work and effort I put into this facility you screw up every single time because your so single-minded and selfish. Working here with you is hell for me everyday even though I pretend like it’s all good because that’s what professionals do. You don’t deserve to be where you are right now.

[coolchieffox]

[zanypeachh]

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[ohbrendachan]

My real dream is to make this world a better place. Stay positive be vibrant and continue to try and pursue what you want in life,

[ohbrendachan]

What are friends.

I finally understand why I don’t have friends. 

I’m picky. Very picky and I just haven’t found that friend that I could actually have conversations with. Real ones. About life about everything. Johnny is seriously my only friend. The only person that actually somewhat understands me. Haha. 

But that doesn’t count. 

I’ve viewed a lot about the life I had.  

I’ve always put my all into the friendships that I’ve had, but they all took me for granted. They didn’t care about me like I did for them. 

I guess I don’t need friends.  And I still don’t. Sure I’m friendly but it will take a lot to call someone my friend. 

Since I moved out to Texas I’ve never seriously connected with anybody. 

I wonder if this will affect anything.

[ohbrendachan]

Its been great.

[ohbrendachan]

It was a promise you made to me.

And you broke it.

Now look at me,

The fool.

I thought you were my everything.

I thought I was yours.

When you told me to stop calling you my boyfriend to start calling you husband.

More than joy can explain

Completely crushed.

What am I suppose to do except run.

The choices I make aren’t good ones.

Suicide was an option,

But I carry another one.

Isn’t this suppose to be a blessing?

I thought I was strong.

And I’m trying.

Maybe things really don’t last .

I thought forever meant forever.

Childish.

Childish thoughts childish dreams.

I’m tired.

We don’t need this.