“Taako,” Edward says as Taako puts his hand on the wheel. “We’ve had a little confab, and-“
“Confab?” Merle interrupts. “Isn’t that a little conference room-y?”
“Like Wolf of Wall Street?” Magnus adds. “Did you guys see Wolf of Wall Street?”
“Er, yes. A little too, a little too long for us.”
“Yeah, I kinda felt like it was just a redo of Goodfellas, too.” Merle shrugs. “Goodfellas was good enough on its own, y’know?”
“Yes, definitely, definitely not Scorsese’s best work. Taako?”
“Speaking,” Taako answers, trying not to feel the conspicuous lack of hit points too hard.
“We’ve been having ourselves a little think, and we want to make you a very special offer.”
“Yes,” Lydia chimes in. “We’ve never given this option to anyone journeying through Wonderland before, but we just can’t resist.”
“Hit me,” he answers wearily. “Maybe not literally. Cha boy is hurting.”
“We are going to allow you to opt out of the wheel and instead answer this very simple, very easy question.”
“You see, Taako, Edward and I are, mm, rather taken with your fetching umbrella there.”
Taako blinks, looking down at the Umbra Staff, dread growing in his stomach. “Okay.”
“That’s why we’re offering you the choice of a lifetime: you can take a penalty or you can give us that tasty little treasure.”
“Penalty,” Taako answers, only aware that he’s saying so halfway through the word coming out of his mouth.
“Taako,” Magnus mutters. “Taako, a penalty might kill you.”
“I don’t care, just means I get my Sunday afternoons back. I’m fine. Taako’s good out here. Penalty me.”
“Taako,” Merle says. “We’ll buy you a new umbrella. Real nice one.”
“Nope. I’m good. All good for Taako. I said it, I meant it, let’s move on. Hit me with that bad boy.”
There’s an almost disconcerting silence punctuated by Edward and Lydia muttering to each other. Taako grips the Umbra Staff in his slightly sweaty palm.
“We’re prepared to up the ante,” Edward says.
“Whatever you have, I don’t want it.”
“Are you sure? We think you might.”
A little 8 bit cartoon of a bell floats in front of them, placidly turning in a steady circle. Taako swallows.
“What,” he says, in an attempt at breezy. “Something Pac-Man could eat? No, thank you. Grossarooni.”
“If you give us the staff,” Lydia says. “We will give you the Animus Bell.”
Taako’s hands are shaking. He looks down at the handle of the Staff and is a little surprised to see he’s white knuckling it.
“No more fighting,” Edward tells him. “No more choices. Everybody’s happy.”
He thinks he’s gonna throw up. He swallows, staring at the handle.
“Taako,” Merle says. “This seems like a reeeeeeally good deal.”
Taako’s mouth works. He doesn’t know how to vocalize what he’s feeling. He doesn’t even know what it is he’s feeling at all. This is my last piece of- he thinks before the thought is unceremoniously cut off. He doesn’t know what it’s the last piece of but they can’t have it. They’re not allowed to touch it.
“Taako?” Magnus has his cautiously steady voice on, which is never a good sign. “You good?”
Taako looks up at them helplessly. Both their brows are furrowed but Magnus is looking off into the corner at something else, staring intently.
“Hey,” Merle says suddenly. “You didn’t say we could take it with us.”
“Beg pardon?” Edward asks.
“The Bell. You didn’t say we could take it with us, you just said Taako could have it. So does he get to leave with it?”
“I mean, kinda bogus, isn’t it? You’re asking him to give something up when really, you get to keep both things.”
“Yeah,” Magnus says, finally pulling his attention off from the corner. “Yeah, I’m with Merle. This is bullshit.”
Taako, decisively, sits down.
“Taako?” Lydia asks. “What are- what are you doing?”
“I mean, if I die in here, you can just take it off my corpse, right? No harm no foul. So why would I give it to you now? So I’m just gonna stop playing.”
“That’s not… really an option, Taako-“
“I can sit here in this room forever,” he interrupts. “And be miserable but not like, that miserable. Or I can spin that wheel, and keep going, and get even more miserable, and eventually, probably, uh, pretty soon, I’ll die, and you can have it then, what do I give a shit, I’m dead.”
“Yeah.” Magnus sits on one side of Taako. “Yeah, I’m with Taako. No easy outs.”
“I like easy outs,” Merle says, sitting on Taako’s other side. “But this doesn’t seem like it’s it, so, y’know, I’m with him, too.”
“I will say,” Taako adds. “I will be exponentially more miserable with these two thugs here with me for all eternity, just gonna be a real downer, so maybe it’s a more difficult decision for you than not.”
“Gee, thanks,” Merle grumbles. Magnus doesn’t blink.
Edward and Lydia mumble again, then fall silent.
“You still want that job opportunity?” Lydia asks.
“I mean, I think I’m good. Love your style, real Zoolander shit, but I’m gonna have to pass on that one.”
“Bummer.” She sighs softly. “Spin the wheel, Taako.”
All three of them get up and Taako approaches the wheel, feeling profoundly, inordinately grateful that the Unbra Staff, for now, remains in his hand and, a little surprisingly, grateful to the two chucklefucks standing on either side of him.
For a bizarre moment, he thinks the Staff might be a little grateful too.
