░░ ❝ shh.

(insert airheadedness.)

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BLUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

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i like to keep this journal chaotic and mindless, so here is where i’ll tack a bunch of quotes that remind me of ezra. of us. a collection of thoughts that make me say to myself, “hmmm that sounds like us.” i love pretty words:::

❝there’s something about the night sky that tastes a little bit like you, adventures and complex. you aren’t supposed to count all the stars but damn it i tried, and i found you.❞

❝i love knots when i’m tangled with you❞

❝don’t you know? you’re my home.❞

❝you emit a soft glow, i hope everyone can see it.❞

❝your name rings lightly over my skin, as if i fell onto clouds.❞

❝i feel you in the brightest of colors and in rushing, roaring waves.❞

❝you are complex, stars everywhere around you. you are a nebula filled with the light, your beauty can light up the way, how did the universe come up with you.❞

❝sometimes i wonder if the entire universe was created just so i could love you.❞

❝how do you know you're in love? you just do. it’s like acknowledging a very deep rooted truth and it’s as simple and as complicated as that.❞

❝but my words become stained with your love. you occupy everything. you occupy everything.❞

these sound good on the tongue, don’t they? might get a tattoo with a quote from this list, who knows.

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                    EZLUO AESTHETIC MOODBOARD #1;

“In the morning, I unpeel a new world in the lines of your back and ink it in with my tongue. There, in the notches of your spine, a city filled with beautiful things mid bloom. The clouds swollen with rosewater. There, under your ribcage, a town made of gold. The people kiss furiously. They talk with their hands. And right there, behind the wing of your left shoulder-blade, a country, a whole country, a wild new savage thing. I want to live in it.”

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{`-- as riluo said in his own words, Ezra can read past documents himself. they will be found around the apartment. this particular entry is left tucked halfway underneath his pillow.

(this is written in english on the back of hospital discharge papers, along with a bunch of incoherent scribbles. there are ink splotches and chaos on the front of the documents. the date is also crossed out, replaced by the words “WHEN WILL IT END.”)

my head hurts.

i’m nauseous, my stomach hurts.

literally everything hurts.

the hospital serves god awful food, but i really miss the friends i made there. maybe they’ll still be there when i go back. and, trust me, i will be going back. it’s late afternoon and i still haven’t changed out of the clothes they give us there. it’s been two days and i should probably shower. why, though? i feel like this bed is the only place i can feel safe. even then, i’m still a bit worried. 

i’m 17, i shouldn’t be feeling this way.

feeling incredibly displaced at the moment trying to recall the last time i felt like i was in the right place (in a physical sense, in an emotional sense.) 

i need something to keep me anchored to earth.

god forbid i don’t, i’ll eventually lose my sense of gravity and float off the planet.

maybe, it would be better off that way.

i really can’t remember the last time i’ve felt any sense of euphoria. how long as it been? five years? ten years? a thousand years? i feel ancient. like a star that’s about to snuff out. you know how stars cycle. they burn and burn and burn and burn and they burn until they eventually implode into themselves and create a black hole, swallowing up everything around them.

it’s strange how i feel like i’m meeting that phase in my life. i haven’t even shined, yet. i want someone that will help me shine. anyone. i’d like that.

they say we are composed of stardust and space matter.

i need for my star stuff to meet someone else’s.

where are you?

who are you?

i’m really alone.

good night//meet me, one day.

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{` -- riluo getting sent to the market during work, badgering ezra while doing so.

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november 30th 2015//

dear diary...

I HAD SEX!!!!!!!!!!!

that’s right. i did the nasty. it was great. i have little scratches on me and i kind of love it because i feel like he marked his territory.

it was the greatest thing.

the way he moans, and and and and--

he’s just so big.

on a serious note, he was really patient with me. he guided me along to make everything comfortable, i’m really grateful for that. i’m glad he was my first. i love him. i thought it was perfect. there was so much kissing and he held my face in his hands like i was the most precious thing on earth.

AND THE SEX WAS AWESOME.

i’ll return to this subject again soon. i just had to get it out in a not-so-serious manner.

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november 25th 2015//

he loves me! he told me he loves me, too!

i don’t know how or why. i’m really nothing special. i’m a train wreck (but since it’s the holidays i guess i’m a sleigh wreck.)

this feels a lot like a fairy tale. you know, some unfortunate soul is saved by a charming prince? like that, except edgier. my prince is a vampire. i’m so happy! i don’t know how to convey my thoughts properly, so i’ll just draw a bunch of cute smiley faces.

(●⌒∇⌒●)

°˖✧◝(⁰▿⁰)◜✧˖°

(｀・ω・´)”

(◡‿◡✿)

我恋爱了!!!!

我很高兴!!!!

(＾▽＾) (＾▽＾) (＾▽＾) (＾▽＾) (＾▽＾) (＾▽＾)

i know this is an unusual fairy tale. there’s a lot i must learn, but he’s worth it.

you know, i used to think that love was trite bullshit. some make believe garbage concocted by society. i was wrong, i guess. i was very, very wrong. love is wonderful. journal, did you know that ezra is my first love? how lucky am i? do you know how many people have to go through ten thousand failed relationships before finding someone perfect? many. many, many.

i think it’s time that i start burying my past, now. it’s gonna be difficult. i’ve been weighed down by raised voices, beatings, and sexual assault. i can’t let it control me anymore. i don’t want it to control me. i want my own life, now.

i think it’s time for this sunset to light up a few clouds.

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❝Hyung, I'm getting ready for work. Do I look good?❞

                   ❝Work? It's 4AM.❞

                                    ❝I know, but it's good to be ready really early.❞

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november 18th 2015//

i’ve never had a journal before-- i lied. i had one when i was younger, back in my super angsty days. those were times when i had a lot to say, no one to say it to. things have changed, now. i still have a lot to say. i just can’t tell him. the words never come out properly. they come out all strange and muddy from my mouth, convoluted and overthought. this is probably convoluted, too. thank god i have an eraser.

thank god for a lot of things.

(there seems to be a few sentences here, but they have been erased)

today was the first time that i looked up at the sky while on my lunch break.

i looked up and thought, jesus, look at this pristine blue. this happy little breeze. this chilly, i-wish-had-brought-my-god-damn-jacket breeze.

it makes me think of him, my red thread. he is my red thread.

a tender arrangement of what has been missing.

i really don’t know how to describe him. warm jazz, a half lit doorway seen from the darkness of the hallway past midnight, full moons, peach-faced love birds sitting softly in open palms, unbelievable shades of a cloudless sky, sparrow songs, milk tea at 3:34AM. oh, that’s what time it is.

i should probably sleep--

i’m trying to write quietly, if that makes sense. he’s knocked out. or, so i think?

he’s so sneaky (and always one step ahead of me.)

this is probably not what journals are for. not these disconnected thoughts, this is brain vomit.

riluo, go to sleep. think of good things.

good things to lull yourself to sleep. 

waking up beside him // hot chocolate before work // comfy sweaters (that belong to him but are mine now because i’m slowly working my way into stealing all of his clothes since he’s so stylish) // hmmm waking up beside him // working on an ebook finally // working on two ebooks actually // getting an email from my mentor // hiphop playlists // mmmmmmwaking up beside him.

my headspace is a mess. it’s just how he holds my hand, holds my hand, holds my hand. how his face perfectly fits the crook of my neck

(that thought is halfway erased away)

okay, i should probably get going. i think he’s waking up. he’s gonna look at me and say, “go to sleep.”

i give him a meek smile and reply, “yes, baobei. uh, sorry.”

good night.

i’ll return when things make sense.