It’s All In Your Head

Thought provoking | Softly spoken | Heart wide-open | Chill emotion

[oidabest]

From I was a kid until now the people around me are judging me. is it my fault that I have a gentle personality? Being a soft guy doesn't mean that I'm gay, right? what can I do if have this kind of personality, should I change myself because it doesn't meet the standard of being masculine. The problem with people is that they are completely flooded by the thoughts of being a guy, you should play basketball, etc. just to meet the standards of being men. it's so wrong in many ways. It's just sad that they feel like they have the authority to insult and judge me abruptly based on what they see or hear. It hurts that people keep saying that I'm gay, but I know myself I'm not, no matter how much I neglect all the insults and judgment it still hurts. The society that I'm living in makes me want to hide and cutting ties with them is the best way so I don't have negative people around me. Blessed and enlighten them, God.

[oidabest]

twenty-eight looks well on me, doesn't it?

Life Update:

I've been dealing silently with a lot of problems lately and I have been trying to be sane. I've been in survival mode since 1st quarter of this year, I am glad I can survive these hard days.

I've been as well trying to have good days and good happenings in life since I haven't lived my life yet this year. All I do is to work so I can survive, I am drained and fed up with my everyday routine.

I made up my mind that I would push this year to enroll myself in grad school. This was one of my goals when I was still in college I wanted to take a master's program after graduating college but life has been busy due to work.

Finally, I was able to enroll myself in grad school. I finally feel now that I still have a purpose since I no longer have my purpose at work lately. I am stoked.

Happy 28th to me! 🥳

[oidabest]

kapos na naman, hay naawa na ako sa sarili ko. relapse saglit tapos baby hindi na uubra ulit. All jokes aside kakayanin ko pa.

Tsaka It is hard talaga no to handle out of nowhere or unexpected relapse. I always experience this at work not because of my work ha but because of my family texting or chatting me about our family problems. Tapos sinabayan pa ng kapos na kapos kahit anong kayod gawin, ang hirap talaga makausad kaya unli breakdown sa work eh.

Documenting myself going through it so I can look back on this and will tell myself 'I was able to conquer everything"

[oidabest]

alcoholic

life has been not well for how many months now. Problems after problem after problem. It's all filling up and I don't have any idea anymore on what I should do. I feel like I am becoming paranoid.

Then alcohol is the only coping mechanism, my scapegoat, my running from reality, and it keeps me feeling like I no longer exist. From then on I became an alcoholic, drinking alone a liter of whiskey or beer every night, then on the next day, I looked forward to ending my work to drink myself to death again. I don't even care if I passed out or blacked out. Then I keep saying this will be the last time I am drinking, I should fix myself but then I can't even control I end up drinking again.

On one random night, I decided that despite these file-up problems that I have. I should not let myself drink to death. I should start facing my reality and stop running. I successfully stop myself from drinking every night, into every other night, into weekends, and no more drinking. The temptation is still there and I end up drinking but I am sure it is being controlled. I am still in the process of thinking about how can I resolve my problems and I haven't figured it out yet but still I have progress I am no longer drinking. I am sober.

[oidabest]

✨all will be alright & life will get better ✨

[oidabest]

pagod na ako in all aspects pero I know my season will come and I will be blessed bc I have faith in the process. Kaya pa. Tsaka despite all these challenges in life, I am still grateful for experiencing great things in life even tho I am the brokest.

[oidabest]

Idk if I am slowly losing or if I already lost my drive in my work. No longer driven, unmotivated and I feel like I don't have any purpose na.

Also badly wanted to have a genuine person that reciprocates the enthusiasm and energy that I am giving. Just like these hard times, I don't have anyone to vent on and talk about everyday life just to ease the heavy feelings. I know how to handle myself but you know it would be much easier to live having someone. aaaah I wish could have in this lifetime.

[oidabest]

If my life were more secure, I would probably start dating again but as it stands right now, I am not capable financially and mentally as well. If I were given a chance again I would love to, I miss being in love.

[oidabest]

It's really hard talaga to bottle up all your emotions just like when my grandfather died last January this year. I didn't even cry because I was in charge of everything from incurment to interment. Even during the wake, I didn't have the time to process my emotions. I was there talking and bursting out jokes to the people visiting. Then on one random day, I woke up around 5:30 AM and I started crying out in my room. Until now, I don't even know what is happening to me. It just feels so heavy.

[oidabest]

At some point, If only I didn't put my family first I could already have my place and live my life, but then here I am suffering from all the help that I did for my family I am not expecting in return but I wish they realized how much I sacrifice for them to live the life we are in now.

[oidabest]

It's the 2nd quarter of the year and I have recently been getting numerous invitations for a job interview. I am just waiting for the evaluation this quarter and if the outcome is not the best then time to go and find new work. The current can no longer suffice all the bills.

[oidabest]

I'm still here it's just that life has been so busy

Being in the corporate world is exhausting and they surely bring out the best in me and they even excel my skills in every aspect. A lot happened in my professional career, I've done a lot I've become a regular host for the company's events, been a model, been a player, been a speaker, and as in everything that I could be. I am not the type of employee who always makes bida-bida pero at some point I became the crowd favorite in our mktg department even our vice president for mktg. I don't know what I did but it just happened.

Now, I am exhausted.

My career is good but my life is getting worse and it's heavy.

[oidabest]

Proof that I am still alive

I have been working so hard lately to the point I am staying at work till night time just to have overtime pay. It's payday and I have nothing left it all went to hard debts and bills. I just want to be free from this rabbit hole. These times are hard. God, save me.

[oidabest]

video shoot for the Sustainable Development Goals of UN.

I turned 27 last August 16, I did not expect anything like celebrations or what. I just know that day that I have a lot of work to do since I have a deadline to catch up on and other tasks that needs to be done. Whatever happens, I just go with the flow, like hey universe surprised me.

I receive a lot of greetings mostly from my colleagues at work and the six divisions of agents that I am handling. I feel the love from them it just hits me like damn at some point in their life I made an impact and I helped them that is why they are all greeting me not because I am their person to go to when they need help such as money matters. I appreciate the simple gesture and love. They even sent me a cake in the office, I felt so special that day. I am grateful for the love of my marketing and sales colleagues.

I stayed at work until around quarter to 8 since I finished my deadline. After that when I was packing my things and then when I was walking going to the jeepney terminal. I just had a realization that I was working so hard for them and my family did not even bother to greet and celebrate my birthday as I went home like I was nothing the day was not something special. I just go to my room and drink my night out while having a breakdown. I just want to cry out loud and burst myself but I can't even it just pure heavy emotions inside my chest.

These struggles and setbacks that I have right now, I will turn into the biggest breakthrough in my life. I might be feeling I am being left behind and I am in a constant shitty cycle of downs in life. I will change the current situation that I am right now. I will put an end to this.

[oidabest]

Life at work lately

I'm in my 20s having a mid-life crisis and becoming an alcoholic. 🍻

Being a breadwinner is really tough, where I have to be at my very best at all times and sometimes in the worst ways to provide. I have been working crazy hours and I am currently finding another side hustle so that I can sustain to pay the filled-up bills. I am currently in a shitty financial situation. My current salary can't keep up with the monthly bills.

I want to have a break for a long period to recover the time that I have lost because I am working crazily but I cannot afford to do it. When there are hard bills to pay and mouths to feed and roofs to keep overhead.

God, please help me to recover from all these financial crises that I am currently in, and help me to be free from debt. I am surrendering and offering myself to you. Redirect me again, and I'll follow.

[oidabest]

Working my ass off to pay off my debt. I am fucked up but I got a lot more living and a lot more winning to do.

[oidabest]

These previous six months have been really exhausting, struggling and surviving. I am in a rabbit hole, drowning because I have a lot of baggage carrying on my shoulders and I just need to keep my head up so that my family won't feel we're drowning.

I am constantly doing and giving my best to give them comfort and to provide. It is really hard being in a broken family where I am the eldest so all the responsibility is on me. I am drained and exhausted but I have to keep on going. I have a lot of winning and living to do.