Wall of Jess

Introvert. Once-an-enthusiast. Depressed.

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Move on nalang no choice

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He said he cares but the feeling is not the same anymore. 💔

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12:23nn

He doesn’t care anymore.

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There is peace somewhere. I will find that peace.

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Q

Yesterday, I was in a so-so mood. We talked. I turned sad. Why? Because I’ve known that he is now happy without me and the way he is treating me right now is how he treats his new found friends. In fact, they make him happy. Oh, I am talking about his new “girl friends.” Yes, they were girls and I am so jealous. I back off. He’s happy, I am still miserable. I should move on. As to how? I am not sure and I don’t where to start. I wan to shut my world completely but hey, I don’t even how to do that. The pain is excruciating that the only thing that my mind can think of is to not feel it anymore. I want to feel okay. Then, better. Then, happy. Then, genuinely happy. With or without him or anybody. But how could I do that? I don’t even know where and how to start. I feel like a robot today, if  Zombies aren’t real. The pain is taking almost all of my energy. Okay, off to move around. Maybe a 20-minute exercise and going to church will help. Hopefully, yes.

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It’s been awhile since I opened this account. This is account is suppose to be the wall to express how inlove I am with him. But now, this will be the wall to all the hurts, desperate hopes and crushed dreams. I’ve been meaning to open this long time before but I have no will to do but I think this will help me to move on so here I am. First post is, of course, about him. How sad I am because he is no longer into me. How pathetic I am because I let someone like him fade away... wait, I sounded like it was my fault. NO! It’s not. He doesn’t love me anymore and I am thinking that maybe he never loved me. That maybe, he mistakenly took the excitement of meeting a new friend to “love.” That maybe I was that naive to fall in love. I chose him. That was my mistake. It will never be wrong to love him but I could’ve saved that for something else - maybe, a friendship with him. Now, I can’t even talk to him like how talk to my friends because deep inside me, I am still hoping for him to love me back. Desperately and secretly begging for another chance... even I know it is silly and crazy and pathetic and damn it, I’d like to insert every lowly metaphor here! But whatever, he’s not my safe harbor anymore. He’s happy with his new life, new friends, new girls. I would never be enough to someone like him so I will back off. FOR REAL. And here, today, I’ll start my presumably rocky journey.