I've been saying for months that I need a journal. A place to place my thoughts and share my days. A way to reflect, release and remember. With that said I guess I'll start today March 4, 2021. Also seeing as I don't have a journal I'll just post here for now. Lol it's not like anyone will read it anways. Grammar, punctuation will not be taken into consideration in these journal posts. I just gotta get this shit out as fast as possible.
It's 11:24pm at night, I just got of the phone with my partner. A few hours prior I was on the phone with my therapist, confidant aka R. We spoke about asking probing questions, intensional questions, and the importance of communication in a relationship. We also spoke about a goal I had set to do better at reaching out to my friends. Anways during this conversation I asked R for her take on what's a consider to be something lacking in my romantic relationship, communication.
This was something that weighed heavily on my mind at the start of my relationship. In that communication, banter, feelings sharing ect is and has always been extremely important to me. Most relationships I treasure the most are with those I feel I can have deep and meaningful conversation with. But I felt that was something I wanted and have continuesly wanted to cultivate in the relationship I'm in at the moment. I often found and was deeply crushed when my attempts to foster such a relationship was met with resistance and being accused of being argumentative. This cut deeply because that has never been my intention. After speaking with R she advised me that is communication is something I feelmis lacking them I should let my partner know that I value and want to hear there opinions. Inspired by her advised I tried this an hour later in conversation. Least be said the response I got was startlingly painful. I could just be overly sensitive but knowing who I am I doubt that. I started of the conversation by talking about the conversation I had with Rana on how much communication is important to me. Then lead into adding that I would love to hear his opinion more often. And that if he's shy it's alright. Essential I think I was just pushing to get an understanding of why it's usually just me talking. He said that he doesn't like over the phone conversation. Which is fair but in that same token he's just as combative when it comes to deep conversation in person but that's a whole nother story. I assured him that yes I understand his not liking phone conversations but I reconfirmed that I'm not a probing person and in loving him I just want to get his insite and opinions on topics. He got frustrated on told me he's not like me and can't speak for hours about one topic or the same topic over and over. He said that's he doesn't have an opinion to share on the topics I bring up because they're girly/girl topics and he has nothing to say about them. I was BAFFLED you would think I was speaking to him about periods or makeup or something. I was literally stunned into silence because my instant reaction was to be combative and as how what I talked about is a gendered topic. I had literally spoke to him about wanting to have a calendar, becoming better at reaching out to people, goal setting, I spoke to home about communication, and lastly about the delay Sebastian cousin situation. So you can image how confused I was to be told these are considered girl topics. Then we went on to say he has no opinions about any of those things and those are things I'd talk to my girls about. I was actually so upset. He then said when I called you I just wanted to say hi I didn't think you'd want to talk for ages. So I took that as in I don't want to talk to you. So I said to that. Oh so you didn't want to talk to me? And he said no I do but I was in the middle of a game with my boys and I just wanted to say hi. I think I realized at this point that being hurt by the whole situation would literally just escalate things so I was silent for a bit collected myself and clarified that all I wanted was to let him know that if love to hear his thoughts and opinions more often. I didn't expect him to have something to say about everything but that id just like to have or hear him speaking more often rather than it just be me talking all the time for ages. Journal sometimes it can feel like I'm talking to myself, what a scary thought to speak to someone for hours only to come from the conversation having received notbibg from them. I might as well just record myself talking.
Anyways the conversation ended amicably. But I'm still stunned from the shock disappointment I left with. In hindsight it could just be bad timing I was looking for a conversation of merit in a moment where someone didn't have the time or patients to do so. Or is this something bigger than that. For months of carried the idea I'm my heart that something is lacking in this relationship. As much as I can love someone what are the things I need and desire in a relationship that I can do without. Communication has always been one of this things but I never appreciate the importance because with past relationships is was just a natural and free flowing chasm. I've never felt dissatisfaction in my partner's ability to communicate. And it's odd because I feel upset for finding fault in this because he's perfect in so many other ways. Also I should note when I say lacking in communication I don't mean in not contacting. He is never lets a day go by where he doesn't speak to me. What I mean is I find what lacks is deep meaningful conversations. The conversation that have you feeling like you bared your soul to another human being and they saw you, understood you. Those conversations that begin at dusk and carry on until dawn. The conversation that lead you through the past, present and future experience with someone. That leaves you feeling like youve been heard and understood in ways that you've never been understood it heard nefoy. I don't know if you can understand or if you've ever felt it but moments like that...they just leave you
Feeling that you found your other half.
The all incompusing dissapointment that moments like today leave with could make me cry. I fighting with the idea that not everyone is like you. Perhaps some people are just who they are and it's only you who desires to love in such away. But if that be the case then does that mean I need to find someone who fulfills this desire. Based on past experiences I know there are men who have never led me to feel such a lacking in our relationships. I also wonder am I not being patient or understanding enough. Is this a guy think, is it hyper masculinity, is it just a lack of skill...is this something that can be worked on.if it is something that. An be worked on do I want to stay and work on this. Do all the other amazing things I love about this man outway this desire. I'm not sure if it's even a desire I believe this is something I ABSOLUTELY MUST have in a relationship. Soni see myself having the ability to continue and faster a strong loving relationship if I don't feel the person I love communicated in a ways that I understand and in the same way that I communicate.
Oh my gosh yes that what it is! It's like we're speaking to different languages. And the more I try to communicate and get my words accross I'm met with frustration, anger and dismissal. How much more dismissal can I take...
I previously let it go with the thought oh well some people are just not good at conversations but as long as I live them and they are amazing in other ways I thought it would be enough. But slowly the desire to have shared deep and meaningful conversation returns because that's just who I am and everytime I'm always left feeling an empty feeling that something is t right something is lacking. And it genuinely breaks my heart.
vaporwave
2087
theartofmadeline
