7 years
It's been 7 years since my last post/reblogging.
7 years..so..2017
hmmm...what's happened since 2017 to now 2024. well, to name a few:
roomed in brooklyn, then with "he who shall not be named", and finally my own apt
many tattoos/piercings
broke up with "he who shall not be named "countless times, then for good in 2021. i finally spoke up about sick of him being indecisive/cruel with me. Through his getting stabbed by his own brother, my (singlehandedly) cleaned up his blood for a couple hours. Through him losing his family and my having to coax him through that. Helping him get through his nightmares/ trauma with the kitchen (that's where it happened). Helping him feel safe in his space, again...and many maaaaaany more things i did for him, to prove i was worth keeping..and still, it wasn't enough. He didnt want kids (which fast forward to now, idk if i want them either, but at that time it was a big deal cuz i was 28? and we both discussed that when i hit 30, we would try for one. (Which is fucking crazy.) He didnt wanna get married...shouldnt be too surprised cuz he didnt wanna call me his gf either (despite us chatting all day/every day, being together every weekend, cooking together every weekend, going out & fucking) Rinse & Repeat for yeeeears. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me 8 times, cant put the blame on you. Kept waiting for the "what if" *insert eye roll here* We grew apart. I moved forward, and he was held bent on staying in the same place. In the end, i was too much for him, and we wasnt enough for me. You know when he FINALLY decided he wanted to give "us" a try again, the day I dumped him.
Storm passed. The hardest day of my life.
realllly got into astrology/tarot/practicing
at some point i had a photography job, was focused on that a while. Then dropped it and started sketching, then tried painting for the first time. turns out, I'm a natural. took onto it beautifully and am good at it
learned how to bake bread/ cookies from scratch
changed my hair a bajillion times, but had locs at one point. they were beautiful, but heavy/hurt my neck
i did a bonfire in the forest. helicopters hovered, so i got spooked and stomped it out (but only after roasting marshmallows for s'mores)
worked with kids
dated a musician, that guy from the circus, the government official, an author, a middle school math teacher, an artist/twitch streamer, a couple, the horse and the older guy
He's been a supressed memory, and every time the thought of him creeps back in and i cant shake it, i'll just cry over til i supress it all over again. He's invaded my brain space, so, im typing this through tears.. This is probably silly & im currently hormonal, but Roo got let go. It's been..5-6 years, and it still hurts. I love him very much and once it happened...i felt like it was too late. I resented "he should not be named" for it, that ass hat wasn't worth it. And honestly, since losing Roo, I've always felt alone. I lost my safe space. I was still living with HWSNBN and it was, honestly, a hostile environment. We never really spoke, we got into a few bad fights and he was trying to kick me out after he put his hands on me/broke 70% of my shit. I wasn't allowed to express myself/how i felt without getting ridiculed for it...so, i shut down. Wasn't allowed to talk. So, when I was with Roo, I finally spoke up. Told him all the things i wish i could say, go on long walks with him. We'd eventually talk about other things and have lots of laughs/ giggles. He'd hold my hand as we wandered. And his hug...man, i miss his hugs. HWSNBN's hugs weren't safe. He would actually weaponize them against me, often. Roo's were safe. I could sleep in them. My brain, which would typically run a mile a min, would trickle from a whisper to just silence- in his hugs. He was my safe space. Anywho, one day, he lashed out at me for talking about the HWSNBN situation, and my world shattered. Roo was the one person who would let me ramble on for as long as i needed to. The one person who would HEAR me. Would reassure/correct me - without judgment. I'm sure he was prolly sick of hearing my whining/bitching about the situation..but the way he snapped at me...my whole world broke. I felt silenced...by him.. And i never felt that from him before...What was left of this fragile heart, crumbled to pieces and I stopped talking. Walked away and never spoke a word to him again. Was his reaction justified? Prolly. Prolly not. Was mine rash? Prolly. Prolly not. Will we ever reconnect? Prolly not. Will i ever stop thinking of them? Prolly not. I lost a part of me..and i don't think i'll ever get that back. He may not have been my lover, but he was my person.
i picked up skating. Tried quads, and sucked mega donkey nuts at it. Switched to blades, this year, and I love it
went to Chicago to see Kaytranada
Got Steven (chunky tux)
went to comic con a few times, and had an alllll out cosplay as Rose Quartz
pink hair for nearly 2 years
got a scholarship for a writing program and is currently 3 days away from submitting for certification.
Daz it for now. Its 3:30am and ive written a random ass essay post to the void of tumblr...so..im back? lol
TBD
