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@oliverlowes
No serenades this year, I promise. Enjoy the album, candy, and candle. What with your arson streak and sweet tooth, I figured this was the right, and legal, combination to give you. As for the key chain, with the amount of cars and homes you probably own, here’s something to hang those keys from, in a shape fit for a king. Happy Holidays, Ollie.
Spencer x
P.S. Feel free to drop by mine tomorrow if you have no other plans. The Michaels clan would love to have you.
Hey Ollie.
Sorry we’re not eating cheetos and smoking up while watching kiddie cartoons and shit, I guess I’ve fucked the tradition. The service here’s shit, so I’m not even bullshitting when I say I tried to call twice. I won’t be home for Christmas, and I’m sorry. I hope you’ve got someone there with you, and the dogs are happy and shit and that you’re happy and everything’s good. Sorry about just disappearing too, it was kinda last second but now we’re in the middle of nowhere. I miss you, yeah? Chin up if shit’s not going well, drink up if you’ve got any doubts, and cheer up if you’re feeling like shit. I’ll see you soon okay? Love you, you little shit.
[A voicemail message left on Oliver’s phone.]
Ollie,
I hope you’re enjoying your holidays, man. Thanks for this amazing year, buddy.
Happy holidays,
Jacob.
I thought this was the men’s room.
Don't make fun.
Whatever. I’m pretty sure if you asked, they’d give you some.
If you asked for water, you'd get it too, but that doesn't make it a condiment Oswald.
Are they a citrus, really? They’re like fucking condiments though. Nobody bites a lemon, but they drip it in shit. Like ketchup.
Condiments, don't you mean continents? Have you ever eaten at a restaurant, Oswald? Where they serve lemon juice on the table?
Shevel’s got too much on her plate. As in lemon bars.
I don't even fucking like citrus.
I swear to fuckin’ god, if the words lemon and bar ever leave your mouth again…
Lemon bar.
It was chill knowing you.
Over ten years, and this is how it ends.
Not even one lemon bar shared.
Wow, lemme go see if Shevel's ready to roll, then.
Maybe should’ve dropped a hint before I started fucking him, yeah?
It's probably too late to even save you.
What’s he do, kick puppies? Push grannies into the road?
Oh no, he's much worse.
I mean, you could always just fight him.
He's a shady character that one, stay away from him.
Tutt, tutt, I thought you had the sniffles. Wanna go or somethin’?
No, you hurt my feelings. I'm gonna go for that kid, the freshie. I feel like coming out with minimal damage, max destruction or whatever video game shit's on my mind.
Shirt too?
Stay decent, Flower is giving me the stink eye.
I’m going to stab you in the neck.
Hold on.
You gotta take off your shoes first.
