what am i here for

ollie ciar. 20. first year. advanced encryption.

[ollieciar]

cadenlucca​

         CADEN’S APPROACH TO GETTING BACK TO NORMAL with the people in his life are letting them come to him, and hoping they won’t be weird about it. despite what his new therapist says about ignoring problems, some habits are too hard to break overnight. he’s a little surprised to see ollie beside him, but shrugs, grabbing a handful of chips.   “ thanks. what’s going on ? ”

he shrugs at the question. maybe he hadn’t thought this through. he took a chip to save time. “i dunno. it’s just been a sec since we hung out so...are you busy?”

[ollieciar]

marifervalv​

“Yeah, that makes sense. ‘Cause the ghost would probably be your first priority at the moment. What about, like other supernatural creatures? Do you believe in those?” 

“what kind of supernatural creatures?” the answer would probably be no, but he likes to think about it. 

[ollieciar]

beafitz​

“or something,” bea laughed and shaking her head. “i have no idea. i’m hoping not a terrorist,” she said, brow furrowing as she thought about everything that was happening a year ago. not a terrorist seemed like a pretty low bar to set. “i would guess a student over a teacher. but i think it was kind of a cruel thing to do, even by the strange standards of some of our peers.”

“has that happened here before? terrorists?” ollie has heard whisperings from his brother to his parents, but nothing more. he learned a long time ago hee didn’t want to know everything, though now he regretted it slightly. now it felt like he was walking into a storm with his eyes half closed, without the advantage he should have. he nods at her assumption. anything bea would say, he would take to heart. he trusted her. “it was cruel,” he nodded. “and i don’t see the point of it. if it was a mission i was a mission, everyone who goes here would know that.”

[ollieciar]

beafitz​

“was it sharp?” she asked, still somewhat confused. it took real talent to be hurt by a closed bottle. “yeah, very.” bea wasn’t really sure what to make of the whole situation. a part of her was impressed that someone had done it, and a part of her was scared that someone had access to all of that information. “who do you think did it?”

“i...think so? i don’t know. maybe i just have baby hands or something.” he laughed, though his smile disappeared pretty quickly when she asked her next question. “uh...i dunno. i don’t know enough about this place. do you have any ideas?”

[ollieciar]

zanecosh​

“That’s still boring for the ones who do,” the male pointed out. “What’s your name ? I’ll think about a better one and get back to you later, promise.” Sure, it held more importance to Zane than it should but once he was devoted to doing something, he’d do it. “I have no idea, man. I don’t visit this place unless a dark force makes me do it.” The dark force was his teacher.

“ollie. what’s yours?” it was odd, to constantly be introducing himself to people. though it was odder that people actually cared. “oh...and how badly do you need this book?”

[ollieciar]

marifervalv​

“I don’t know if that’s better or worse than fainting.” Marifer wrinkles her nose in thought. “Would you be embarrassed in front of the ghost if you did?” 

“i think like, in the moment, but i wouldn’t think about it later and feel the regret ping. you know?”

[ollieciar]

@cadenlucca​

after the email, ollie gave caden space. figured he wasn’t close enough to him to actually reach out and see if he was okay. but when he saw him walking through campus, and eventually sitting at a bench, he picked up his pace a bit to sit beside him before someone else did. “hi, do you want some chips?” he offers his bag. 

[ollieciar]

marifervalv​

“I don’t know if that’s better or worse than fainting.” Marifer wrinkles her nose in thought. “Would you be embarrassed in front of the ghost if you did?” 

“you know what would be worse? peeing yourself and fainting.” what a stupid thing to say ollie. “i don’t know...i’d like to think they’ve seen that before.”

[ollieciar]

nurdirim​

Nur just nods; she’s out of words. She understands his reasons for doing what he did, but it doesn’t erase the sadness she felt as a result of him simply disappearing and cutting all contact with her. She never dealt well with abandonment, always has a fear of being left behind, and what Ollie did? It was exactly that, even though his reasons were valid for him and she understood them. It pains her to know he struggled these past few years, and maybe he just gave her the answers she’s been seeking after he stopped writing, but it doesn’t make her feel better. No, she feels like she’s building an invisible wall around herself, to protect herself from the one person she never thought she’d have to protect herself from. “Yes. I cannot begin to imagine what you feel, but Gallagher is a good place to be in.” Despite the chaos. “It will be kind to you.”

there were few things ollie was afraid of anymore. but the one that dragged him down the most, the one that erased him entirely in order to create the image of what someone else wanted to be, was his fear of judgement. of loss. and nur was the person he was most afraid of when it came to that judgement, even more so now as he felt her pull away from him even more than when they’d first started talking. his mind moves in a million directions, the pressure of her soft voice and her broken eyes weighing on him far too heavily. “so far it’s been nice,” he replies. he has bea, and wilder, and caden now too. it was more friends than he’d ever had at once. “i...i only have a few minutes left to finish my lunch before i have class...”

[ollieciar]

cadenlucca​

       “ NAH, YOU DON’T HAVE TO. it just helps you out a little, like a liquid wingman. i imagine you’re the type that gets in your head when talking to new people ?   maybe a little shy ? ”   it’s as kind as caden can be about calling ollie out for looking like someone who doesn’t do well with girls.

“yeah...yeah kind of.” had he been able to see that from their conversation? “is it that obvious when you talk to me?”

[ollieciar]

nurdirim​

She nods quietly, looking down at her hands. “I just always thought we talked about anything, like we had established a safe space. And then, you just… disappeared.” She pushes a loose strand of brunette hair behind her ear. It has clicked with her now, why he stopped writing, she’s not blaming him anymore, her tone isn’t accusatory, it’s soft. She’s just trying to express her own point of view. “I just wish you never stopped writing,” she confesses quietly. She nods, she believes him, because once upon a time, she trusted Ollie with her entire life, and even though they hadn’t been in contact in a long while, he still has a part of her heart. It’s not easy to completely forget your first love. “How are you now? Are you feeling better?”

it was true. in their summer together, ollie had felt a safeness he’d never allowed himself to feel before. this safety lived past their romance and continued on through their letters. it had always been the best part of his day. he had no real excuse as to why he stopped writing. why it was easier to disappear than it was to tell her what happened. but he continued to talk out of his ass. “it was...bigger than the other things we’d talked about. i don’t know.” he felt uncomfortable, but also like he wanted to reach out still. like a wall was built between them suddenly and there was no breaking through. a wall he built himself. “me too,” he whispers in response, but is quick to change the subject with her. “i’m uhm...” he looks down, “i guess it depends on the day...you know?”

[ollieciar]

beafitz​

“right, of course they are,” bea laughed. “how did you manage to do that?” she asked, her voice full of concern. she knew it was in the past, but she couldn’t help being a little protective. “it feels like something to me, and i think that makes it something. whatever it is, i’m grateful for it,” she smiled. bea accepted the glass and lifted it up, clinking it against ollie’s. “sure, to brighter days.” she wanted to say that things could only get better from here, but she was pretty sure things could always get worse.

“i dunno, i went to twist it, it didn’t twist, and it cut my hand. but it was a twist top ‘cause when i used a towel it opened pretty easily.” he really was just digging a deeper grave for himself. he lifted up his glass and took a sip, then took a second to look at bea, quick to look away before she looked at him. “so gallagher getting hacked into. that’s pretty crazy, right?” 

[ollieciar]

marifervalv​

“Yeah, I think it would be interesting.” She pauses. “Do you want to see a ghost?” 

it takes him a second to answer, weighing his options. “i dunno. i think i’d pee myself if i did.” that was a really cool thing of you to say, ollie. 

[ollieciar]

cadenlucca​

        “ YEAH, DEFINITELY, ”   he waves his concern away. it’s easier if caden doesn’t know, that way he can talk him into how much fun sleeping around is. he doesn’t really have any interest in coaching someone that’s just going to settle for the first thing tossed their way.   “ it’s time like this that i miss the bars. ”   for mingling, obviously.   “ you drink, right ? ”

“uhm...not much. but sometimes i do. i just don’t get like, drunk.” it was harder to control his body if he drank too much. “i don’t have to drink to get girls, right?”

[ollieciar]

teflonsos​

– “YEAH, PRETTY MUCH. BUT AGAIN, IF YOU LOOK SAD AND CONFUSED ENOUGH…they’ll give you anything, and honestly, you’ve got the look NAILED already, ” ricky says this encouragingly ! “ i’m a first year, too ! though i started in august, so i’m practically an upperclassman to you. i can show you the ropes. ” okay, ricky. 

he supposed he did have resting sad and confused face. especially at gallagher. so he wasn’t wrong. but it didn’t make him feel any better. “yeah, i’d like that. i’m a little confused on the whole...places first years can’t go thing.” 

[ollieciar]

elvirayilmaz​

at the library / closed for @ollieciar​

the truth rattles their bones, shakes the guilt free from the cracks and reminds elvira of all the ways they looked death in the eye and thought, without me, this would never have happened. it is one thing to choose it; it is another to hold a knife and think it to be a flower. what did their fellow students think to be worse? elvira can’t shake the question, and so they sit in the library mindlessly flipping pages of a book without reading the pages. it’s only when they sense a familiar shadow over them that elvira raises their eyes; and it’s only because it’s ollie that a smile tentatively flutters on their lips. “hey, stranger.”

as soon as the video began, ollie was quick to turn it off. he recognized caden, but he had seen death many times in his life. he knew what he was signing up for, and he knew what caden had agreed to too starting at that school. and there was no doubt in his mind he was acting on an order, that something happened he didn’t know about. and he had been around his parents and siblings enough to know he didn’t want to find out or go snooping around. walking in to the library, he hardly expects to see a familiar face at a table. but he had seen her brother, so he couldn’t be totally surprised. ollie had gotten used to people seeing him walking the way he walked for the first time, but it never stopped filling him with nerves. lucky for him, today was a good day, and his back didn’t hurt too badly. as soon as he saw her smile, his worries drifted away, and he smiled too, sitting down across from her. “i shouldn’t be surprised to see you’re here, but i am surprised it took me this long to see you.”

[ollieciar]

zanecosh​

“ Wouldn’t it be a little on the nose though ? ” Giving something a name like that was like given a person the name human. Not even he called his worms worm. Cherry still sounded cute though, so he’d probably let it slide. “Aw, dude - don’t let me down now,” he nudged him slightly. “You look smart, we’ll get there.” Besides, he had already chosen him as his company for today. No matter if they’d find the book or not.

“i don’t know...cause not everyone knows it’s cherry wood, i guess.” he didn’t know why they were still talking about his cane. “is this library sorted by major at all?”