n/a
itās really hard to talk anyone these days.
I feel selfish, but Iām also fed up.
in my mind, Iām tired of being alone. lacking intimacy does something to the brain that makes you impractical after a while. why am i not desirable? why do i lack the ability, to make someone care about me beyond ātaking a pictureā or a listening ear?
and honestly, iām at the point of where i donāt want to hear the same old shit.
i want truth.
itās not about being confident. i am plenty that. i always have had a confidence in myself. what douseās my flame, is a consistent indifference. Being that most of my life has been filled with indifference, from my parents, family, friends, i have never really known where I lie on the spectrum. people tell me I am good, but the results donāt really mirror that. people tell me i am a nice person, but most days i get treated like a pushover. people tell me, Iām handsome but they donāt see the way people look at me with disgust when I make eye contact with them.
really, all this is my problem. my issue to deal with. which is why I donāt see a need to talk about it anymore.
it just sucks though.
because every day, I grow more exhausted.
more fed up.
more defeated.
i donāt feel like i have a place in this world.
i donāt feel seen, important or needed.
and itās different than what other people āneedā me for. a smile, a laugh, etc. I get all that.
but,
one day i would like to know what it feels like.
the feeling of those love songs i listen to every day.
what does it feel like to wake up to someone who wants you to be there? what does it feel like to look someone in the eye, and know that they care about? what does it feel like, to be held? what does it feel like to have someone on your mind, and feel that you are on theirs? what does it feel like to have someone call you sexy? what does it feel like, to feel sexy for someone? what does it feel like to be loved? liked? crushed on? even simply though of? romantically? intimately?
I donāt know.
I want to feel, what the love songs I listen to talk about.
I want to be wanted.
I want to matter.
People say I do. But I donāt.
Itās ok that I donāt to. But, I feel like this is my last cry for help. maybe itās desperate. maybe itās pathetic. maybe.
but Iām exhausted.
Iām tired of coming home. To nothing.
Iām tired of having no one to talk to.
Iām tired of acting like none of these matters.
Iām tired.
Iām fed up.
Iām tired of this.
Iām tired of no one just agreeing that Iām ok to feel this way.
I want to feel what the love songs I listen to talk about.
Before I run out of music to listen to.
