monse @omarapolloplsmarryme - Tumblr Blog

nostalgia

if I knew myself then now I think id not intervene. it was needed. it hurt. a lot.

I look at the way I let myself be treated and wince. but it's like when you need to let a baby fall, or like when a bee stings and learns the cost of protection. without it I'd die. at least as how I am now...still deciding if that's good or not...

1984, George Orwell

“Please don’t expect me to always be good and kind and loving. There are times when I will be cold and thoughtless and hard to understand.”

— Sylvia Plath

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Manda Una Señal - Maná

#music

glkr-xx

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"HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN 10 DAYS" 2003, Donald Petrie

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omarapolloplsmarryme

cult classic

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echo park be reading your soul sometimes

Sometimes

it feels a little scary to be too too conscious of myself. like if I stop for a moment to just feel, or if I stop scrolling for a minute before bed, or recently if I take too deep a breath and feel my mind clear. I don't know.

I always was happy knowing that I knew it all. what I could do. what I cannot do. (recently everything leans toward the latter) but now I do not. isn't that a scary feeling. to not know. everything in my life once depended on following a path. a path I was happy to take. nowadays I question the path, I question even the goodness of the world–that which in itself makes me feel bad to even think of questioning it.

I've stopped listening to music, nothing I do I enjoy as much as I once did. I feel like I live just to go back to sleep sometimes. like I do everything I do as motions, sometimes I feel like I lost my passion. To feel anything it needs to be extreme. and it's hard. it then falls back on me bc duh. why would it not. the biggest issue though is not how I feel, but that there is no way to solve it.

'ive always had the solution. I joke that I can do anything a therapist can do 10x better and 100x sooner. I just know my mind that way. but as I struggle to find a solution, I get dizzier, my head hurts more, I don't even feel refreshed by water or fresh air.

the truth is I dont know what im doing. the end of my path has become fuzzy, or rather a dead end. idk. I return to my studies now..

xoxo

#emo #im just a girl

I <3 my <3

what

literally what. I've managed to muster hope, forgiveness, love even for the most bleak situations. at least in this aspect of life. I've gotten so little looking back, yet not once would I have moved on.

now you are here, the slightest hesitancy, split second pause, quite literally anything could convince me this isn't real. false intentions, misguided attention, any and all of it has crossed my mind.

I blame him, but I have a lot of my own work to do on it.

I will believe it some day but for now, though I will continue to ask, why me? and also

what?

feelings

heyyy peopleeee, its been a while, but anyway

I've come to realize I'm no longer unaffected

this has both led me to feel the best and worst I ever have

things mean so much to me, the lack of anything does as well, if not more, how strange is that? often it is my own impatience, anger, anxiety, whatever other negative feelings I create in my head that ruin things for me, I betray the situation thinking of all the ways it could go wrong. I still have trouble taking people for what they are but now I let myself fall. instead of avoiding, I give it a try for the limited positive moments that arise. Though I'm at a loss for this, I am also partially at fault for my own turmoil. I had something decently fine, something that could have been something real. Something that was seemingly just oh so right, and I ended it, twice. Not with my words, but with my actions. It is beyond me how people have things deeper than that and are simply made to move on when it ends. The literal weeks of that were enough to make me loose my mind, how do people go years of that and MORE and are simply made to move on when it ends?

something I never expected to happen ended up tormenting me for weeks, it continues to do so as I process

I think of what I did, what I could've done differently, what you could've done differently, and why you did what you did. all I look for are reasons, explanations, things I will never get and forever ponder. when it starts to rain, while I wait for my coffee to brew, and when I see someone who looks like you. in the end, I know I would do nothing different, I know there's a plan for me and though it do wish it was you, it clearly isn't.

as much as it hurt to push you away, I will never regret taking action and telling you the truth. someday we may speak again but I will never regret doing what I wanted to, letting myself do what I think is right and what I have held back from for too long. I hope we can grow towards each other and I hope you too will be able to tell me what you feel rather than what you think you should.

"I opened my mouth, almost said something. almost, the rest of my life might have turned out differently if I had. but I didn't." khaled hosseni

someday I will make peace with it, and while I wish nothing would hurt me again, having been so painfully vulnerable and weak has taught me a lot. about myself, about the world, about how I want to continue to approach the people I love or will love or will see a lot more often

for that, I thank u

xoxo, mgf