I haven't touched my blog in forever. Honesty I forget it's there and will send occasional pictures from instagram when my mind remembers. And I can say not looking at this blog is part of my depression. My depression has been with me for so long that I don't remember a time it wasn't my constant companion. It does hide for days or weeks at a time but it's always lurking. I can say that my depressive episodes for the past 7 months are linked to the fact that my husband and I have come to know the sorrow of infertility. It was fun the first few months but with each negative pregnancy test it took its toll. I stopped exercising, eating with growing a life in mind, and being the very irritable person that my friend Charlotte is constantly calling grouchy or grumpy gills. She, my best friend of 11 years, treats me like a grumpy cat that will lash out at any moment. It is how I am. It is what I do. I'm an angry depressed person. I can do angry but depression makes me more depressed that I, a licensed therapist, can seem to make the clouds go away for more than a moment. Makes me rethink whether or not I'm in the correct profession. But back to the infertility and depression. It has taken a toll on my marriage and some of my friendships. If you have small children we won't be visiting for a while. Not birthday parties please. And my family believes that not conceiving consumes my every waking thoughts because it does. Questions of what is wrong with me, am I barren, and we going to be the crazy dog people because we have no children. But finally a light shines between the clouds... We are have started fertility treatment and the sunny is trying to make the post of the partly cloudy ⛅️ weather. My anxiety is still there and don't talk to me about other people's babies because I will eventually bite your head off. My introvertedness can take a back seat if you piss me off enough. But I still love people occasionally. Ask Charlotte. Fellow introverts will unite briefly to watch a movie in my giant bed with 3 dogs attempting to be the first to lay across boobs or bellies to show love.
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