Money..... Oy. Money.... eep. Money.... sigh. All beliefs I currently hold about money. Money is a source of energy. It’s also a way to freedom in our society. Some people hold strong beliefs about money; both positively and negatively. My beliefs have held me back from achieving some of my desires in life.
Ok, I’m just gonna lay it out, I’m mad about money, and not in a good way. I don’t have enough of it, I’m aggravated by it, the lack of it hinders my freedom and creative progress. And I’m bitter about it. All energies I put on money. Doesn’t really leave a lot of room for change, or growth, and definitely doesn’t aid in getting to the solutions I need, to get more of it. I’ve been pretty resolute; money, is a pain, in my culo. Well, it has been, cause I believe it.
I’m currently unemployed. I worked in the entertainment industry professionally here in Chicago for about a solid 15 years, and before that I’ve basically done every minimum wage job under the sun. I started working at age 11, at my grandparents restaurant. I was taught to work. I didn’t want to. I was considered lazy by some, and an irresponsible kid by others. I was fired from a lot of my jobs for lack of good job performance and lack of interest before I was legal.
I worked at both jewel and osco (a combo grocery store and drugstore chain in the Midwest).I think I quit jewel, I worked there pushing carts in the parking lot and bagging when I was 15. I got a workers permit. I used to sit in the bins in the basement at osco. I would sing, and swing my legs. I was supposed to be bringing up supplies and refacing the merchandise on the shelves. I did it, sometimes. I got fired from there. They showed me the footage.
I was also fired from being an ice cream scooper at Petersen’s ice cream (well, it was like more laid off) but I think it was because I sampled all the ice cream every shift prior to work, plus I ate the extras, and my scoops for people were entirely too big, bordering on ridiculous. That was probably a good reason to be laid off. I didn’t think so, but it ended up being a blessing in disguise, because I had gained 16-20lbs working there (depending on what I decide when I tell this story...). They said I’d get sick of the ice cream after awhile. I never did. Dammit.
I went from job to job, place to place, trying to fit into society, and get paid in some honest capacity. I couldn’t afford to continue college (my parents were kind enough to pay for part of my associates degree, but I couldn’t afford the tuition of the 4 year I transfered to) so I quit school, started waiting tables, and eventually acting.
I liked acting. It’s something I had done since I was little. My ma’s side of the family called me, little Sarah Bernheart, after one of the first literal drama queens ever. I sang on the potty when I was really little. One of my favorite songs was the Busch beer commercial. 🎶if you’ve got the time, we’ve got the beer!🎶 I was around 4 or 5, so I started my career early, of potty singing is a career. I got paid in love, and attention, and acceptance.
I used to dance at the moose lodge with my grandparents and entertain all of their friends. I didn’t come from an entertainment family. We were middle class people, both sides came from italian decent, with the exception of my grandpa on my dads side. He was adopted, so we’re not entirely sure. My grandparents were a huge part of my life, and they were models for me as far as money was concerned. Hard workers, regular joes, working as hard as they could to make ends meet. They stretched the dollar til it sang moon river, but we always had everything we needed.
My original parents are divorced. My dad graduated college, and worked. My dad remarried (to my other mom) who also worked. & my Ma, also worked. Work was all around me. Work, and earn and try and earn more money. It costs money to live. It costs money to get the stuff you want. That’s life, and how society is set up. You learn a trade, or you go to school and you study hard, and graduate and are eligible for the job. You have a bachelors, a masters, a PhD. NOW you can be something, because now you are certified to do so. This is how I view success, and money. Basically a glass ceiling, unobtainable goal. My bad, but I’m being honest. I didn’t quite fit into that mold.
I worked pretty solid for years, from gig to gig. I self studied. Lots of classes. Shakespeare, Pinter, acting, improv, voice lessons, dance, on-camera classes to get to know casting agents, headshots, etc. everything one should do if they’re serious about their craft. So, “it takes money to make money” and “you have to invest in yourself”, all of this, also my beliefs. I had a hard time with it. I did all of this, to be better, and to get more work, but I was breaking even sometimes. You have to work to join the unions, but in order to get union jobs, you have to book them. The life of an actor. Everyone who’s in the arts has experienced this. So, depending on your nest egg, your experiences and subsequent perception of the business can vary. I wasn’t a saver. I was a “paycheck to paycheck” kind of a gal. I also, didn’t book a ton. And my sense of self, got way too wrapped up in that fact. I quit, about 17 years later, to have a family.
I was pretty low and depressed when I quit acting. I had had some “not so fantastic but enlightening in retrospect” experiences with people in the industry, probably due in part to my attitude not being so great by the time I decided to be done. So I sat around a lot, Kinda like I’m doing now, and i thought about my supposed failures, and where to go next creatively.
I also loved design which was something I could do easily on my own time while I was a mom. I self studied a ton, read a lot of books, and redid our home, on the cheap, in a lot of the design styles I loved and was inspired by. My focus changed from performing to visual 3d interior design.
One evening I ended up going with my husband to a Kickstarter meet and greet. Kickstarter is an online, crowd funding platform. He had done a successful kickstarter campaign, and we decided to go to try and network with people, not either of our fortes truth be told. We stood there, staring at one another until I realized that we could do the same at home. So I said, “ok, the next person that walks through that door, we’re talking to, no matter what!” That person turned out to be a very cool visual artist/interior designer named Alyssa Miserendino, and she asked me to help her source furniture and other home accessories for her within the first 5 minutes of meeting her. She was, and probably still is, fantastic. I appreciate her taking a chance on me.
I worked with Alyssa for a few years, and she went off to go to graduate school in another state. But before she left, she gave me all of her clients. She put trust in me. She knew my background, but also knew that I had what it took to design, and to coordinate projects, and I was off and rolling. She is an extremely intuitive woman, and very cool. I was a nervous wreck.
My first client was excellent. It was a complete gut and rehab of the kitchen and bathroom rental condo. It looked gorgeous at the end, and I wanted custody so I could visit and enjoy how it turned out. I went on with other clients by word of mouth, some repeat customers, but I never knew how to advertise or continue.
All of these jobs were cool, but they didn’t exactly fulfill my complete creative itch. They were aspects of the whole of me. When I was acting people used to yell because I’d mess with the wigs, and my wardrobe, and be concerned about the look of the production as a whole. That should’ve been my first clue that acting wasn’t exactly completely cutting it. I went from thing to thing to thing... when I was designing I was designing for other people’s lives, and sensibilities. Still rewarding, but I like what I like too. I want to create from the ground up, according to what I appreciate and want.
I say all of this, because how I felt about myself... was that I was a fraud. I wasn’t, but I felt that way. I wasn’t ever formally trained. I didn’t have my 4 year degree. I had an associates in liberal arts, but I wasn’t afffiliared with anyone or any school, so I felt, alone. I carried that alone feeling, that feeling of being separate and not included throughout my entire career. I was a loner. Not a great thing to be when you rely on other people to book you for work. And I always wanted to be a success, independent, the bread winner for the family. The one that made good even when no one ever had done it in the arts in my family before. But I didn’t. I married. I tried to do it, but I didn’t achieve what I wanted to. And that’s how I felt about myself, and my beliefs about my ability to be independent and make money, all played a key role in where I’m at now.... I’m currently sitting on my chair, and writing honestly, about my past, about my feelings, and about how I felt like I have failed, me.
Writing is an escape for me. It is a blank canvas where anything is possible, and anything goes (not the musical, but myself). I can write about mountains and desert terrains, but I won’t probably, because I don’t know shit about that, but I do know where I’ve been, and where I want to go. And my self study all of these years whether I realized it or not, was me. I have finally decided to be ok, with not being something. I am writing, to gain clarity and to share my experiences in hopes that others are inspired. Or, I’m writing specifically for me, it changes from day to day. All I know, is I’m here, now, writing.
The passing of time is an interesting way to determine ones life. You were born, you did stuff, you knew people, you die. Not exactly the most uplifting way of looking at it, but the details are what makes it either good or bad, depending on your POV. And my point of view about my past, and my career to date, has been pretty dismal and not very fair to me.
I consider myself a creator. I have written, sang, danced, acted, modeled, designed, drawn, and painted. I have shared my talents with the world in only the way I can. I have written about my life, and others lives, and presented them in interesting and unique ways. I am a person worthy of love. So, I’ve proven it. But my bank account doesn’t reflect it.
What have I done wrong? Why am I not a success? Why am I not riding on a golden stallion on a beach with a tiara and jewels and a flowing gown with people throwing roses at my feet? Well, because, I’d be mortified if that was happening. I hate being the center of attention sometimes. So you see, the universe, in its infinite wisdom, gives what you want whether you know what you want or not, and there’s a reason why things you may think you want aren’t happening. Although the concept of all that horse grandeur and accolades and public acceptance is cool, in practice for me personally it’s a “no thank you”.
I’ve developed into quite the introvert over the years. And with my change, my needs and wants have changed with me. Truth is, I never wanted to ride down a beach on a horse, I don’t even know how to ride a horse, and open heights, not my thing, probably another reason that God made me 5’2. I kid, but the universe gives you what you believe. And I haven’t believed I was a success, so I made decisions in my career that supported those beliefs whether I knew it consciously or not.
Comfort is important to me. A cozy nest to call my own, a place to hide from humanity and be myself. I am pretty forthcoming online, but in person it’s not the case. I am a bit shy with people I don’t know, even though I come off bold sometimes. I am still trying to find where I belong in the world right now, and get past all of the thoughts and memories that have been hanging me out to dry over the years. So, instead I’m learning to appreciate, and be in the love, and satisfied with what I do have instead of looking at the lack. Cause crap! It’s a lot of good! And I want to try again with my career, but the truth is, I’m not quite sure what to go back to. But whatever it is, it definitely won’t be with the same energy that I did it with the first time. I am a more evolved me now. A me I’m more comfortable with being.
Love, is helping me get there. Life is not always what you planned when you were younger, but it has a way of putting you on the right path if you decide to follow its lead. I’m new to this path, but better late than never. I’m deciding to let love rule, as lenny kravitz so aptly put it when I saw his dreads bouncing on stage, cause I was waaaayyy in the back, no money for front row at the Aragon ballroom in Chicago, even though it was general admission, back in ‘94. Still a great concert, just happy to be included.
Love is how you view it. Love is money, if you view it that way. Love can envelope every subject, every person, every situation if you let it. So let it rule. ❤️
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