In every way, shape, and form.
Because I’m being stalked by more than one person, I had to block all of my current followers.
I apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused honest, kind, and respectful people. 

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DEAR READER
Sade Olutola

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Keni
Three Goblin Art
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Love Begins
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@onlinevacancy1111
In every way, shape, and form.
Because I’m being stalked by more than one person, I had to block all of my current followers.
I apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused honest, kind, and respectful people. 
Oscar the grouch, is a semi walking.... well, I guess he walks when he picks up his can... oxymoron. He loves to hate, and he hates to love.
But that doesn’t concern Oscar in the least bit, cause he’s used to it, and totally into his ways, and his trash. He’s made a weird, magical world his can. It’s never ending down there, like the mary poppins carpet bag. I mean he has everything down there! He’s got trash, and his apartment, and elephants, and all kinds of missing socks and other things people lose and only end up with one of. And it’s even a portal to grouchland. But he picks it all up, and carries it around with him. The weight of his world.... All his trash.
But here’s the thing; he loves it! He loves his trash! And despite the fact that Santa is watching him, he’s still a grouch. And Santa just laughs. Yes, Santa is amused by Oscar’s ways. Oscar asked to be on the naughty list for life. Oscar loves to hate, and he hates that he loves, but he loves hating so much, but loving to hate, is loving something, and he hates it. Oscar, is a mess, and he loves it.
Oscar hates Christmas. He hates people being cheery. It makes him miserable, and he loves it. He sings about his misery. Here’s an example of oscar’s awakening to his internal running monologue in his head (feel free to perform it at your holiday gatherings):
Oscar the Grouch: I hate all of this christmas hullabaloo! Christmas is awful, and stinky, even though I love stink, but I hate people, yet I live on Sesame Street with the nicest bunch of chumps ever! And I hate that! I can pick up my trash world and move, but I’m much happier complaining about all of these horribly happy people to their faches, and trying to make them miserable too, like me! But I don’t want company! I want to be unhappy all by myself! I am going to keep all my internal garbage and yell about it! Being selfish with my upset of others joy makes me happy. Oh noooo! That makes me happy! Man, I hate that! I hate being happy! I hate loving to hate! I’m so over loving to hate that I’m into the love a lot now, cause I hate so very much! Nooooooooooo but yessssssss! (Oscar’s head finally explodes)
Scene.
Oscar, has a choice to be the way he is. We all do. And becoming aware of your own ways, and deciding to change for the betterment of yourself is also choice. Recognizing your side of the street is the first step in healing all parts of you, then the connections you have with others. Love does that. I love love. I have no problem with it what so ever, so unlike Oscar, I’m good internally when I choose love. No struggle when I do that. The only time I struggle is when I don’t choose love, and the fear creeps in to turn me into a mess that belongs in oscar’s garbage can.
So, I think I’ll donate all of my internal crap and crazy to him from now on, cause he loves it, and I’ll try to be vigilant about focusing on the love in others. And not be so cynical of their intentions towards me. The love feels better. It’s a lot of fun, and believing that people are good, is too. It takes the weight off of my brain, and heart. I think I’ll give myself that for Christmas. ❤️🎅👍😎
This is a cheesy filter, but I couldn’t help but like the message. “Fall in love, everyday”. It’s a nice sentiment. And yes. The decision to love, is constant one, or it isn’t. Falling into love is the most optimal thing you can do. The feeling of love to me, is the most comforting thing I could experience. It’s like an instant support and a choice I’m making this very second, by writing my truth. Truth is subjective, and everyone’s truth is different. There’s no absolute. But the love makes it easier to navigate life, and get to the heart of your truth, and of every matter.
So when you’re looking for a solution to a problem or an issue, love us always where you’ll find the answer you’ll feel good with, when it’s all said and done. But I’m having difficulty writing “in the love” honestly right now, because I feel like I’m not there. So I will stop, and shift. I will watch a Christmas special, and appreciate my current surroundings and my family, and my chocolate covered yogurt raisins til I start feeling better. Focusing on your present, and knowing that in this very moment no matter what issues you may think you have, right now, you’re ok. Things are good, right now. Here. In this minute there’s peace. I’m going to go milk that for as long as I can.
Falling into love is a choice. Sometimes you have to get there incrementally. But anyway you can achieve it, it’s worth it, cause you are. ❤️
I’d like to introduce you to my 2 Louies! (Louises) You may know already be familiar, as they are 2 of the baddest horn players ever in my opinion. They are both, Love, with a capital L. (Appropriate, cause L is also for the louis’s louises louies whatever the proper pluralization)
See, love comes in all kinds of packages and shapes, and sizes, and genders, and races, and orientations, and yes, love, is not just a human thing. Love also comes in species, and genera, and other classifications I don’t even know, but need to learn about. But let’s focus on these 2 for a minute, since their gorgeous faches are gracing our page already.
Louis Armstrong and Louis Prima. The 2 lips! They are both trumpet players, and both amazing singers, and entertainers. Both came from an authenticity that was something to admire. The love they showed, was outstanding, and people gravitated to it, like moths to a Louis. And you know why? Cause love, is addictive, and they were the personification of that love, for all to feel, and internalize, and to become more of ourselves with, and to share with others.
We may not all be mad fierce musicians like these 2 were, but we all have gifts to share, and love to give in our own special way. It’s the soul’s song. It transcends all language barriers and misunderstandings. It opens us all up to one another, honestly. And fills us up with the joy of life. Music is healing. Love is the gift that music brings. And all beings great and small, are the same in that regard. We are responders to love. We are also, love ourselves. Whether we choose to acknowledge and accept it or not, that is all of us. And the love we are always remains.
The 2 Louie’s (ok, now its really bothering me... How DO you pluralize that?! Oh well...) are my musical heroes. I grew up listening to both. I also played the coronet for a brief stint. I didn’t have the “lip” for it, but I tried it on for size. Life is about trying things out. And doing things that you like, and don’t like, so you can decide what you do, and do more of it. Life is there for the trying, and the testing, and the evaluating, and the determining. What am I today? Do I want to be a bob sledder? Probably not, no snow, no bob sled course. Do I reeeaaally want to do it? Well, if I did, I’d go to where there was all that. I’d watch that movie, “cool runnings” or whatever to see how I can do it, and maybe what worked for them, and what didn’t. I’d be open to it. I’d study it, I’d practice sledding every chance I got! I’d make my son push me around the neighborhood in a sled every time I went outside. I’d immerse myself in the feeling of being a bob sledder, even if I couldn’t afford to go and be one immediately. That’s how it can start. With a passion, and an interest in learning, and then, BAM! You’re off! I don’t want to be a bob sledder. I decided I wasn’t so into it, so I’ll do what I do want to do, and spread love my own way.
But back to my louies... These 2 gents wanted to sing, and write, and compose, and entertain, and scat, and play! And they did, and did it very very well too. And they didn’t allow the “no” of their current circumstances to stand in their way. They did it, and did it, and did it, and stuck with it, and it snowballed, and more and more and more until yes! Success! But, how you define success, is another story. My new definition of success is in the doing the things you love, in the moment you do it. It’s the joy of doing. Success is relative. If that’s the case, I consider these 2, my great uncles, cause their joy of doing, and their love is something I want to adopt in my own life. I want to live by their examples. They played all day-all day and night too! They were fun!!! Life should be!
Love is all of us. So let’s share it, and show it, and wear it, and puke it all over each other. No, let’s not do that. But let’s laugh and high five and spread it whenever we can to whomever we can the only way you can! (Cause even though we’re “we”, I can’t do it quite like you, and you can’t do it exactly like me...) Let’s make a love pb & j! Let’s mix my chocolate with your peanut butter and make a love Reese’s peanut butter cup! Let’s be silly, and love! Cause life is boring without a lil scat n nonsense...
We may not all be famous musicians, but we can be us, and be in the love our way. So as Louis Prima used to say, “Go ahead! Play yourselves!” And as Louis Armstrong used to say, cause it’s a “wonderful world” if we “make it so!” (like captain jean luc picard used to say too, when he was the captain of the enterprise and not waiting tables in a General Mills international coffee commercial in Paris, in the 80s...) 🙈🤷♀️🤣❤️😎 🎺
P.S. I have lots other favorite trumpet players too. (See below) but these are my favorite louie trumpet players that I’ve heard of. There may be other Louie’s that wail on the horn that I don’t know about. If you know any, please send a recoding my way... 😎🎺🎶
Yeeeeeeesssssssss!!!!!!!
Ok look, I write a ton, but sometimes you just need to laugh, and to rock out. So I invite you to do that with me now.
Lucy is not the barracuda. The barracuda does not make an appearance in this video. It’s a good thing too, cause a barracuda is a fish, and it most likely stinks. 🐟👃🤢🙈🤷♀️🤣
Holy crap! It’s scary looking too! Have you ever seen one of those things? It’s really long! It’s like, a long stinky fish, with sharp teeth like that guy who filed his teeth to play the guy that hisses like a goose in, “escape from New York”. Only that guy wasn’t long or stinky, cause he’s Frank Doubleday. He was a great actor. Here... I’ll show you what I mean...cause context is important...
Scary teeth only cause of his character... Romero. Not the awesome director known for his scary zombies, George Romero, but the scary character from, “escape from New York”, who looked like a zombie barracuda...
🎶Oooohhhh zombie barracuda! 🎶👍🐟😉
Because Barbie did it, it’s cool. Well, I didn’t smoke until I was in college, and smoking is not cool to me, but I did it anyway. I wanted a break from work, and we were allowed to take smoke breaks, so i started smoking.
I’ve quit smoking cigarettes but I still occasionally smoke marijuana. It’s legal to do here in Illinois. I am more into the edibles, but I do smoke now and again, but I’m completely sober writing this, and I’m trying to ween myself off. I smoke to escape my feelings. Pretty honest of me, no? Well, yes. I have decided to be honest about anything I want to be, which is everything that I feel it important to divulge. Things that I won’t divulge would hurt people. And I’m not down with that, no matter who the people are, and how badly they’ve hurt me.
People do marijuana, drink, and do other harder things of the like for various reasons. It becomes a habit. It helps us forget, or it helps us numb what we can’t face in ourselves. The feeling I get from pot, is a feeling that a lot of people experience... meh, with the occasional feh, or eh. It helps to allow time to pass between upsetting thoughts that I choose, or, it exacerbates them, depending on my mood.
Right now I can REALLY go for some pot. I mean, I have written myself into a frenzy about former people I’ve known and all the shit things I feel like they’ve said about me and done to me in both in a veiled, passive aggressive way to me directly, or behind my back. I surmised, I imagined, I decided... that they did it. And I’m mad about it. And I’m seriously so over all of it. Especially these thoughts that I am once again experiencing.
So, because I’m entertaining these thoughts, I have whipped myself up into a pretty good, bitter butter lather. And all of the shit, which I’m pretty sure they’ve said and done, that I know about anyway, is in the past. If they’re doing it now, they’re the ones also experiencing the bitterness, but that is something I have no clue about, as we are not in one another’s lives anymore. So all of the upset that I have garnered today, is solely from.... moi. I’m the bully to myself.
Bummer. I have given them all of my excellent brain power today. They didn’t steal it, I gave it over with my attention to the assness I’m reactivating. So, I am sitting here, pissed. I shredded a ton of my angry journaling about it all for compost for my neighbor’s garden, so I know the contents will go where it belongs... to the worms.
I am a fairly intelligent, kind human being, but today, I allowed myself to be bullied all over again, by myself. Damn it! Why do I do that?!?! The love is hard to find when you’re thinking shit thoughts. So none of it can snowball. I’m wading in my own shit thoughts now. Before, I was drowning in them like quicksand. Right now, I’m being honest about me, my feelings, my thoughts, and my process, so the shit pile has subsided a bit. That’s how it works. But I wasn’t love vigilant, so I didn’t catch my thoughts in time, unfortunately to have a completely awesome mid day.
No problem, I recognize it now. I’m getting there. I have good things to look forward to this evening, and I definitely do not want to drag this assstink energy into those fun things with me. I want to leave them all in the past, where they belong, and never deserve to be resurrected to hurt me again. The choice to hurt myself with these thoughts was mine.
It starts pretty innocently at first. It’s a trigger from my environment, or a thought that may seem fairly neutral, but man oh man, my phone!It triggered me by autocorrecting to a word that reminds me of my shit, and my upset. Ohhhh that phone.... but wait. I recognize it, so I don’t have to go there. I can control my mind enough, to make some breathing room around me and the upsetting topic. Yes, it’s not like it’s happening this minute. Oh, but yes it is, cause I’m still focusing on the shit I’m trying not to think about with my attention to it. (1) so, I will go, have some tea, and do some prep for Christmas decorating. That will help.
You see, love is around you waiting for your attention. You just have to look at it to know. The care that it takes for you to do that for yourself will be intregal in developing a loving and trusting relationship with you. You will appreciate the effort you make not going there with your thoughts. You’ll be happier in general, and stay that way longer. The more you decide to effort you, the better you will feel. Paying attention to how you feel, is the way to choosing to feel better.
I’m choosing to inhale, health, and good energy instead of pot right now. I may do it later, out of joy, not sure. But either way, I’ll be aware of why I’m doing what I’m doing. I will become more vigilant, of me, if my wants, my needs, my concerns, my feelings of lack or hurt. I will take care of myself instead of harming myself with hateful thoughts.
If you do marijuana or drink (if you are of legal age to purchase in a place where it is 💯 legal), or don’t do marijuana or drink, the choice is yours. I highly recommend not doing any of it if you are highly addicted to it of course, needs to be stated. You will do what you choose to do, regardless of what I say. But understanding why you do what you do will make the difference between life and death in some cases. The abuser is not the marijuana or alcohol in this case, it’s those who choose to abuse it. The abuser, is you, to you.
Caring for yourself isn’t a sin. Caring for yourself is the most loving thing you can do for humanity right now. The love is there for you for the taking. Show yourself you care, and feel the difference. I feel it already. ❤️
(1) I have heard Abraham Hicks on a number of occasions discuss, “not thinking about the thing you’re trying not to think about”. I recommend looking up some of their YouTube clips, cause it can help a lot. They’re free.
Free fallin’ is a form of surrender to what is, and what will be. It’s a release, a total weightlessness from all burden and upset.
Surrender is like a death, and a rebirth into the new. A complete letting go of all resistance, and/or muscular control to the universe, to do with you what it will. That’s surrender in the literal sense. Metaphorically, it is a release of the mind to experience the freedom of love. To release the self harm that we think and feel and experience, and sink into the support of the self.
It’s that love that is the catalyst for change. We ignite it from within, and only we have the match, and the power to sustain it with our focus and intention. We have the choice to resist our personal evolution because of fear of the unknown, or to surrender to it. You can choose to hold on tight to your force, your insistence, your self you’ve always always been. That usually yields a sense of frustration, feeling stagnant and stuck, with no place to go, and no solution in sight. Or, you can surrender to the love. You can surrender to the change, and to the new, and to the possibilities, and to the solutions. The love, simply put, is your desires for yourself, and your life. It’s as simple as that. It’s a gamble for some, but for me, I’m tired of the alternative.
It’s like the Harry Belafonte song, “turn the world around”. If you’re unfamiliar, go back to my last post in my feed. He and the muppets did a fantastic rendition, together. A collaboration, a co-creation that alchamized to create a new, more whole energy.
Mr. Belafonte’s song illustrates love and union of the self so beautifully; I feel the love, which is in all of us. We are the fire, and the water. We are there to counter and complete one another. The internal balance from within is achieved through that union. We are the mountains, immobile in our foundations. The solidness of being our authentic selves, as part of a whole. Surrender is a partnership with the divine, however you define it. So is life.... if we choose it. ❤️
🎶 “we come from the fire, the water, the mountain... go back to the fire, the water, the mountain... turn the world around...
do you know who I am, do I know who you are?
See me, one another clearly, do we know who we are?
Water make the river, river wash the mountain
Fire make the sunlight, turn the world around
Heart is of the river, body is the mountain
Spirit is the sunlight, turn the world around
We are of the spirit, truly of the spirit
Only can the spirit turn the world around
We are of the spirit, truly of the spirit
Only can the spirit turn the world around” 🎶
We are all human. “Abatiwaha, so is life.... “❤️
I’m a throw back. John carpenter was quoted as saying that if he started his career now, he’d probably be rejected. That blows my ever lovin mind.
John carpenter is hands down my favorite director. His movies are clear, concise, and steeped in character driven realism. His pacing, deliberate. His action films, a staple in film history. No one directs like John carpenter, because he has his own POV. His vision of story telling is one that only he sees, and we get to experience. He’s so involved in his storytelling that he even composed his own soundtracks with collaborators. He has a complete 360 degree full compact vision of each of the stories he wants to convey. And when it was time to stand up for his vision, he stuck to his guns. That kind of dedication to one’s craft, and deciding to be authentic is a choice that not many people are comfortable with, or are brave enough to voice, especially in this day and age. John supported and stood by himself.
Age is not a factor when it comes to artistic vision. You can be 100 and still see things from your filter, and tell your story. (John carpenter is not 100... 🙄). I relate to john’s filter a lot. His anti-hero story of “Escape from New York, is easily one of my top 5 favorite movies of all time. Snake Plissken, a guy who tried for years to fit into a mold that wasn’t him. And finally, something broke, and he went rogue. But the decision to go bad wasn’t the story. The decision to survive in the corrupt society of what the world had become, was.
Snake felt isolated and alien to the world around him. He felt the need to separate to keep his beliefs and self in tact. He trusted no one. He had been screwed over by people, and ended up in the jail of New York because of it. He was a man who felt and believed fully that to fight the establishment was futile, and the only way out, was within.
He was quiet and stealthy. He wore his heart no where. It was buried so deep not even he had seen it for years. He was working mainly from a serpentine way of behaving, an animalistic survival existence. He had separated himself from humanity, and was treated accordingly,
I can relate with Snake believe it or not. He and I are semi similar in the way that I have hidden myself from people knowing the full and entire me. I haven’t let many in. I’ve been on a self imposed lock down, no one in, and definitely if you opt out by the way you treat me, you stay that way. I am a loner, and now I create alone too. My writing is a solo act, and I resign myself to the fact that even though I sometimes long for collaboration, perhaps it’s better just to stay at bay.
Snake was a guy who tried to play by the rules until the rules started to hurt. John may not agree with that interpretation of the character, because I haven’t discussed it with him, but to me a person needs to be affected strongly by something to fight against it. Why was Snake so affected by the state of the world? Something had to happen to make him turn his back on everything he believed in. He was brought to this decision by his feelings. And whatever happened, those feelings rocked his beliefs to the core of him. You don’t just flip the script for no reason. He was pro government at one point, then somehow it became very very personal, and he was out.
I may be a chick, but I am, Snake Plissken. We all are, in a sense, or have at least felt that way before in our own lives. Someone somewhere disagrees with our stance, our view point, our values, our beliefs. That opposition creates a discord from within. We become offended, unsupported, and misunderstood, then subsequently betrayed by people.The world has become very divided and separatist if that is the reality that we choose to believe. We choose to believe that because of how we feel. People feel, then think, then believe then react. “They are WRONG. Their beliefs, not mine.” Reaction is knee jerk. Fuckers... they can ALL go to hell.. decision made. Next. Hurt is real, and that reaction is due to being unheard, unappreciated, and not considered. It drives people to be the complete opposite of who they thought they were.
Life is an outward expression derived from an internal perception. If we can get a handle or at least become more aware of what we are feeling in any given moment, we can head off a lot of our own upset at the pass. In turn, we would feel supported from within, and other’s opposing opinions won’t be so detrimental to us. We can have more of an understanding of our shared humanity, and start from there. When things seem hopeless, start with what you can control, and that’s yourself.
People are forced to evolve with the passage of time. And people’s personal evolution is their own choice too. And their experiences feed those choices. Corruption, imbalance, persecution, oppression; all of these contribute to the whole. Not just a few are affected. We are ALL affected. I have recognized that within myself. Eliminating me from the equation; my feelings, my emotions, my whole self, has been affected.
Ignoring and being complacent not an option anymore. The world is connected whether we like it or not. Even a dude like Snake Plissken who wants to be separate, isn’t. Being human alone connects us all. The separation is what got us in this fucked up mess to begin with.
Snake isn’t alone. The world as we know it is full of atrocities and injustice. The world is unfair, and not at all in a place of peace. But our focus on that fact, within ourselves and in our own interactions with others only exacerbates the issue. Staring at something for too long makes it bigger, more obvious. The worlds issues won’t disappear if we keep making them worse; in our minds, on the news, in our daily lives. This is not to say that the worlds problems can be solved by turning a blind eye, cause that’s ridiculous. But by caring about ourselves, is the first step in healing the world because of the injustice that we feel personally. The love we can supply ourselves can affect he whole in an unprecedented way. It can start a chain reaction that is fierce. If we ourselves choose to focus on the good, we will feel better. It sound stupid, but to my point, I feel better writing this piece. I’m paying attention to how I feel. I’ll be done writing, and be kinder to my son if he gives me pushback about getting ready fo bed, and so on and so forth. We affect one another in ways we feel are mundane and unimportant.
Oh please.... you might think, she’s comparing Snake Plissken’s plight to fighting with her kid to go to bed on time. Well, it’s about respect, and it’s about love. Same emotions. If we all respected and cared about one another’s feelings, and felt that same love and respect in the world there wouldn’t be any of this mishegoss to begin with! So argue with that, critic! Well, that critic is going to go yell at his/her kid, or dog, and affect the world negatively in that way.
I joke about the critic and the dog, but not really. I care about how you feel, cause it affects me. I care about how I feel, cause it affects you. As a society we tend to over-complicate life. It’s actually pretty simple; be good to yourselves, be good to one another, and whatever that implies, do it. We make things so convoluted. Just be fair. Treat people well. The whole of us, is what we are lacking. Be the whole, and your life, becomes real simple in the best way. Love dictates it. It’s the best leader of them all. ❤️
It’s time to follow the love....
I opted for this kind of self loving reflection instead of my last post for right now... how you choose to be love vigilant is subjective... as long as it feels good... 🙈🤷♀️🤣😜
I wear my ballet slippers JUST in case I get the impetus to get up and dance... I like to be prepared for the love when the inspiration strikes me... but I gotta recognize it, otherwise I’ll miss it completely. #belove vigilant. ❤️
Money..... Oy. Money.... eep. Money.... sigh. All beliefs I currently hold about money. Money is a source of energy. It’s also a way to freedom in our society. Some people hold strong beliefs about money; both positively and negatively. My beliefs have held me back from achieving some of my desires in life.
Ok, I’m just gonna lay it out, I’m mad about money, and not in a good way. I don’t have enough of it, I’m aggravated by it, the lack of it hinders my freedom and creative progress. And I’m bitter about it. All energies I put on money. Doesn’t really leave a lot of room for change, or growth, and definitely doesn’t aid in getting to the solutions I need, to get more of it. I’ve been pretty resolute; money, is a pain, in my culo. Well, it has been, cause I believe it.
I’m currently unemployed. I worked in the entertainment industry professionally here in Chicago for about a solid 15 years, and before that I’ve basically done every minimum wage job under the sun. I started working at age 11, at my grandparents restaurant. I was taught to work. I didn’t want to. I was considered lazy by some, and an irresponsible kid by others. I was fired from a lot of my jobs for lack of good job performance and lack of interest before I was legal.
I worked at both jewel and osco (a combo grocery store and drugstore chain in the Midwest).I think I quit jewel, I worked there pushing carts in the parking lot and bagging when I was 15. I got a workers permit. I used to sit in the bins in the basement at osco. I would sing, and swing my legs. I was supposed to be bringing up supplies and refacing the merchandise on the shelves. I did it, sometimes. I got fired from there. They showed me the footage.
I was also fired from being an ice cream scooper at Petersen’s ice cream (well, it was like more laid off) but I think it was because I sampled all the ice cream every shift prior to work, plus I ate the extras, and my scoops for people were entirely too big, bordering on ridiculous. That was probably a good reason to be laid off. I didn’t think so, but it ended up being a blessing in disguise, because I had gained 16-20lbs working there (depending on what I decide when I tell this story...). They said I’d get sick of the ice cream after awhile. I never did. Dammit.
I went from job to job, place to place, trying to fit into society, and get paid in some honest capacity. I couldn’t afford to continue college (my parents were kind enough to pay for part of my associates degree, but I couldn’t afford the tuition of the 4 year I transfered to) so I quit school, started waiting tables, and eventually acting.
I liked acting. It’s something I had done since I was little. My ma’s side of the family called me, little Sarah Bernheart, after one of the first literal drama queens ever. I sang on the potty when I was really little. One of my favorite songs was the Busch beer commercial. 🎶if you’ve got the time, we’ve got the beer!🎶 I was around 4 or 5, so I started my career early, of potty singing is a career. I got paid in love, and attention, and acceptance.
I used to dance at the moose lodge with my grandparents and entertain all of their friends. I didn’t come from an entertainment family. We were middle class people, both sides came from italian decent, with the exception of my grandpa on my dads side. He was adopted, so we’re not entirely sure. My grandparents were a huge part of my life, and they were models for me as far as money was concerned. Hard workers, regular joes, working as hard as they could to make ends meet. They stretched the dollar til it sang moon river, but we always had everything we needed.
My original parents are divorced. My dad graduated college, and worked. My dad remarried (to my other mom) who also worked. & my Ma, also worked. Work was all around me. Work, and earn and try and earn more money. It costs money to live. It costs money to get the stuff you want. That’s life, and how society is set up. You learn a trade, or you go to school and you study hard, and graduate and are eligible for the job. You have a bachelors, a masters, a PhD. NOW you can be something, because now you are certified to do so. This is how I view success, and money. Basically a glass ceiling, unobtainable goal. My bad, but I’m being honest. I didn’t quite fit into that mold.
I worked pretty solid for years, from gig to gig. I self studied. Lots of classes. Shakespeare, Pinter, acting, improv, voice lessons, dance, on-camera classes to get to know casting agents, headshots, etc. everything one should do if they’re serious about their craft. So, “it takes money to make money” and “you have to invest in yourself”, all of this, also my beliefs. I had a hard time with it. I did all of this, to be better, and to get more work, but I was breaking even sometimes. You have to work to join the unions, but in order to get union jobs, you have to book them. The life of an actor. Everyone who’s in the arts has experienced this. So, depending on your nest egg, your experiences and subsequent perception of the business can vary. I wasn’t a saver. I was a “paycheck to paycheck” kind of a gal. I also, didn’t book a ton. And my sense of self, got way too wrapped up in that fact. I quit, about 17 years later, to have a family.
I was pretty low and depressed when I quit acting. I had had some “not so fantastic but enlightening in retrospect” experiences with people in the industry, probably due in part to my attitude not being so great by the time I decided to be done. So I sat around a lot, Kinda like I’m doing now, and i thought about my supposed failures, and where to go next creatively.
I also loved design which was something I could do easily on my own time while I was a mom. I self studied a ton, read a lot of books, and redid our home, on the cheap, in a lot of the design styles I loved and was inspired by. My focus changed from performing to visual 3d interior design.
One evening I ended up going with my husband to a Kickstarter meet and greet. Kickstarter is an online, crowd funding platform. He had done a successful kickstarter campaign, and we decided to go to try and network with people, not either of our fortes truth be told. We stood there, staring at one another until I realized that we could do the same at home. So I said, “ok, the next person that walks through that door, we’re talking to, no matter what!” That person turned out to be a very cool visual artist/interior designer named Alyssa Miserendino, and she asked me to help her source furniture and other home accessories for her within the first 5 minutes of meeting her. She was, and probably still is, fantastic. I appreciate her taking a chance on me.
I worked with Alyssa for a few years, and she went off to go to graduate school in another state. But before she left, she gave me all of her clients. She put trust in me. She knew my background, but also knew that I had what it took to design, and to coordinate projects, and I was off and rolling. She is an extremely intuitive woman, and very cool. I was a nervous wreck.
My first client was excellent. It was a complete gut and rehab of the kitchen and bathroom rental condo. It looked gorgeous at the end, and I wanted custody so I could visit and enjoy how it turned out. I went on with other clients by word of mouth, some repeat customers, but I never knew how to advertise or continue.
All of these jobs were cool, but they didn’t exactly fulfill my complete creative itch. They were aspects of the whole of me. When I was acting people used to yell because I’d mess with the wigs, and my wardrobe, and be concerned about the look of the production as a whole. That should’ve been my first clue that acting wasn’t exactly completely cutting it. I went from thing to thing to thing... when I was designing I was designing for other people’s lives, and sensibilities. Still rewarding, but I like what I like too. I want to create from the ground up, according to what I appreciate and want.
I say all of this, because how I felt about myself... was that I was a fraud. I wasn’t, but I felt that way. I wasn’t ever formally trained. I didn’t have my 4 year degree. I had an associates in liberal arts, but I wasn’t afffiliared with anyone or any school, so I felt, alone. I carried that alone feeling, that feeling of being separate and not included throughout my entire career. I was a loner. Not a great thing to be when you rely on other people to book you for work. And I always wanted to be a success, independent, the bread winner for the family. The one that made good even when no one ever had done it in the arts in my family before. But I didn’t. I married. I tried to do it, but I didn’t achieve what I wanted to. And that’s how I felt about myself, and my beliefs about my ability to be independent and make money, all played a key role in where I’m at now.... I’m currently sitting on my chair, and writing honestly, about my past, about my feelings, and about how I felt like I have failed, me.
Writing is an escape for me. It is a blank canvas where anything is possible, and anything goes (not the musical, but myself). I can write about mountains and desert terrains, but I won’t probably, because I don’t know shit about that, but I do know where I’ve been, and where I want to go. And my self study all of these years whether I realized it or not, was me. I have finally decided to be ok, with not being something. I am writing, to gain clarity and to share my experiences in hopes that others are inspired. Or, I’m writing specifically for me, it changes from day to day. All I know, is I’m here, now, writing.
The passing of time is an interesting way to determine ones life. You were born, you did stuff, you knew people, you die. Not exactly the most uplifting way of looking at it, but the details are what makes it either good or bad, depending on your POV. And my point of view about my past, and my career to date, has been pretty dismal and not very fair to me.
I consider myself a creator. I have written, sang, danced, acted, modeled, designed, drawn, and painted. I have shared my talents with the world in only the way I can. I have written about my life, and others lives, and presented them in interesting and unique ways. I am a person worthy of love. So, I’ve proven it. But my bank account doesn’t reflect it.
What have I done wrong? Why am I not a success? Why am I not riding on a golden stallion on a beach with a tiara and jewels and a flowing gown with people throwing roses at my feet? Well, because, I’d be mortified if that was happening. I hate being the center of attention sometimes. So you see, the universe, in its infinite wisdom, gives what you want whether you know what you want or not, and there’s a reason why things you may think you want aren’t happening. Although the concept of all that horse grandeur and accolades and public acceptance is cool, in practice for me personally it’s a “no thank you”.
I’ve developed into quite the introvert over the years. And with my change, my needs and wants have changed with me. Truth is, I never wanted to ride down a beach on a horse, I don’t even know how to ride a horse, and open heights, not my thing, probably another reason that God made me 5’2. I kid, but the universe gives you what you believe. And I haven’t believed I was a success, so I made decisions in my career that supported those beliefs whether I knew it consciously or not.
Comfort is important to me. A cozy nest to call my own, a place to hide from humanity and be myself. I am pretty forthcoming online, but in person it’s not the case. I am a bit shy with people I don’t know, even though I come off bold sometimes. I am still trying to find where I belong in the world right now, and get past all of the thoughts and memories that have been hanging me out to dry over the years. So, instead I’m learning to appreciate, and be in the love, and satisfied with what I do have instead of looking at the lack. Cause crap! It’s a lot of good! And I want to try again with my career, but the truth is, I’m not quite sure what to go back to. But whatever it is, it definitely won’t be with the same energy that I did it with the first time. I am a more evolved me now. A me I’m more comfortable with being.
Love, is helping me get there. Life is not always what you planned when you were younger, but it has a way of putting you on the right path if you decide to follow its lead. I’m new to this path, but better late than never. I’m deciding to let love rule, as lenny kravitz so aptly put it when I saw his dreads bouncing on stage, cause I was waaaayyy in the back, no money for front row at the Aragon ballroom in Chicago, even though it was general admission, back in ‘94. Still a great concert, just happy to be included.
Love is how you view it. Love is money, if you view it that way. Love can envelope every subject, every person, every situation if you let it. So let it rule. ❤️
“Ohhhhhhh..... so you’re a “WRITER” now... “
“Well, I’m writing right now, so, I guess technically that’s what I’m doing, yes. I am now, a writer. In about 2 minutes after this coffee kicks in, I hope to be.... a shitter. And after that, a movie watcher, and then.... a sleeper. (& maybe even at 4:30 am, I’ll be a very irritated pee-er, cause woken up out of a sound sleep, to pee by my full bladder...)”
People are sometimes not comfortable with change of labels. But the thing is... we are not what we do. Truth. We just aren’t.
“Well, you’ve never written before, and now all of a sudden, you’re a writer?”
“Actually I have been a writer since I learned how to conceptualize thoughts. I just didn’t script it. But yes, when I was in school I wrote creatively. I wrote a chapter of a book completely ripped off of the book, “super fudge” by Judy Blume. I changed a few words around, but she inspired me, and in my defense it was before I understood the brevity of the word, “plagiarism”, so I scrapped that project.
I also wrote a play in 4th grade called, “the bimbo brothers” a take off of the 3 stooges, performed in class. A highlight of my “writing” career, and was received fairly well, to mixed reviews. All this is to say, I’ve been writing for around 40 years now, and I feel like I have a fairly decent grasp on the English language, a brain that can take my thoughts and put them in some semblance of order or not, depending on my mood, and a very strong and agile right thumb that does all of my online typing work. So, in answer to the above query, yes, I guess now, I am a writer.”
“Wow. I.... had no idea. I mean, it’s just that you were an actor, a singer, a designer, and an overall person who jumped from job to job, thing to thing over the last 25 years. I had no clue that writing was a part of your repertoire....”
“I’m sensing some kind of animosity here... do you take issue with me, or my writing? Is it because I didn’t capitalize the word, “do” at the beginning of the sentence before this one? Or, is it because you don’t like my writing? Or perhaps you don’t appreciate the topics I write about; namely me.”
“Who? Me?! Why... no.... it’s just that, well, you aren’t a professional. So, why are you doing this? It seems a bit, unprofessional for a non professional to not be writing a professional piece of writing. “
“Well, it is. So how about this; how about you tell me how you really feel, because this conversation seems veiled with ick. “
“Yes. I agree. It’s just that, how should I put this... No one.... likes your writing. No one. Not 1 person. If your writing was the only writing left on this planet, there would be no more after it, because all the other writing would be so repulsed by it, that it would never procreate.”
“I see. Well, if my writing was the last writing on earth, then there would be no other writing left to procreate with regardless of if it wanted to or not. Also, you are an asshole, so this is a good time to end this conversation, forever. So have a life that you enjoy living the way you are deciding to be, but without my acquaintance.”
“Yes! Well! I never.... “
“Yes, that seems extremely evident. Perhaps you may want to try it out before you diss it. “
“Welllllll.... (storms off)”
Who the hell was I just talking to? That’s a great question. Without context, it’s hard to tell. Is it based on a real conversation I had? Is it a concept? A writing exercise? Is it fictional? Is it a re-enactment? Well, no. It’s none of the above. But, it’s an energy that I feel, when I talk to people sometimes, about my art. Do they mean to come off that way? Don’t know. Have I ever had a conversation close to this with anyone in my life? No, although one time someone did call me writer like a “9 year old”, “illiterate” and a “wanna be smut writer.”
God (as played by George burns in 1977): ok, stop! Cut! It’s all wrong... Kari, (chews on his cigar a minute. Kari waits politely while he smacks around with his mouth a bit) you are not happy. Did you know that? All of that talk up there? Lousy. Not great, and you’re great. But that, not you, therefore not great.
Kari: yes.
God: ok, let’s take 2, and this time, change the energy to better, amp up the self worth from 2 to 10, cut the snark, eliminate the person up on the top of this scene too, cause he or she sounds like a hoity ham, like miss piggy only not her being beautiful and sweet, like her when Kermie decides to argue with her about getting married and she yells, “hiiiiiiii-yahhhhhhh!” And belts him in the kermie barrel chest and knocks the Kermit wind out of his very tiny lungs, and please add 100% of the love back in, cause there was none of that. Oh! And one more thing, you’re not a cat, you’re a human being. I conceptulized you that way. Ok. You ready?
Kari: yes.
Assistant camera person: rolling...
God: ok.... aaaaand ACTION!
Kari: um, alright... Hi. I’m Kari. (Pauses a second) Ok, god? What am I supposed to say here? I mean, no one is disputing what I’m doing with my writing.
God: that’s right.... so why are you?
Richard Pryor and Gene Wilder: Daaaaaaamn!
Kari: (sigh) right.
God: (smacks on cigar bits rolling around on his tongue....) scene.
🎶you don’t seem to care a thing about me, you’d rather live without me...🎶 well, that’s PREPOSTEROUS because I want ALL the universal LOVE that I cultivate myself!!!! Gimme gimme all the love that only I can give and receive!!!! All of it!!! I want to roll in it, and bathe in it, and lap it up, and splash around in it, and get it in between my toes and in my hair and under my finger nails, and scrub it all over, and loofa with it, and wrap myself in it, and dry myself off with it, and squish it and squeeze it, and squelch it, and smoooooooosh it, and crush it, and chop it up real fine like, and fry it, and blot it cause it’s too greasy after frying and I get agita, and then ingest it cause I can’t resist it, then I’d get a belly ache from it, and sit on the potty because of it a few times, and all of it!!!!
Universal Love: um, it may be time for that restraining order after all...
Scene. ❤️🙈🤷♀️🤣
Be somebody?! Baby, I AM SOMEBODY! We are all, somebody. ❤️
I am Kari Keillor. I am not the egg nog I had today. I am not the clothes I am wearing, I am not who you see in this filter, although if I had makeup on, it’d be relatively close but not, because I am what’s in my innermost innards. And that, I have cultivated, and grown, and nurtured and cared for, and it’s finally blooming, into the me I am most comfortable being.
The love I experience is mine, cause I create it with my point of view. And the love I feel for you all, derives from that perception. I care about all of you, because I want all of us to feel better than we have lately. Take it from me, that’s cool, cause I have more to give. Love never runs out unless you stop focusing on it. Love is all of us. I’m no different from any of you. Love is a way of living that I really dig. Money, influence, power, prestige, status, clothing, youth, attractiveness has nothing to do with it. We’re all born with it. We all have the ability to increase it, and develop it, and multiply it by passing it on and sharing it.
I’m so in love, with love. I am a huuuuge fan of love! Omg, If love walked in the door this very minute I would shit! I would be so star struck by love! Love would file a restraining order on me, cause I’d be obsessed with it and stalk it and be all about it and stare at it all the time and not talk to it cause I’d be too shy but I would be still looking at it! I’d get all it’s albums and it’s tees and all of its accessories, and I’d wear them out! I’d talk about love all the time, and Everyone I know would be sick of me because all I would do is complain about how much I love love, but guess what? Love would totally understand! Matter of fact, love wouldn’t file a restraining order on me at all, cause love, is love! And love loves love! And love would appreciate all of my efforts and adoration! And love would care, and salvage all of the love I threw away by thinking that love hated me cause I loved love! And love would say, “you asshole! I love you! I call you an asshole because it’s a term of endearment, and I define my terms when I talk to you, and I give you context about what I mean, because I love! It’s what I do! And let’s go out and take a walk and be best friends, and look at art and drink coffee and laugh and be loving together!”
Man.... love is pretty damn cool. ❤️😉
Love: hey. Im love. Just FYI, I would say all that shit she said i would say above there. You know, I was scared of her at first too, in case you are now, cause she’s a nut ball. Cause when she wasn’t in the love, which is me, she was hard to handle, to some. But now with context, honesty, and me, which is once again, love, I now know her intentions are good, so we’re cool. ❤️😎🤣
P.S. my son just told me that I have a mole on my leg that is “shiny, flat, has a crack in it, and it’s brown. And it’s a pretty nice lookin mole.” Bahhhhhhhhh Ahahaha!
This man.... is one of my heroes. I look up to him a lot, (I really need to come up with a better synonym for the term, “a lot”. Please hold...) a plethora? A plenty? A ton? A bunch? I guess I didn’t need to look it up, but all of it applies. James Cameron. He wasn’t always a big Hollywood success. No one is. They create and design themselves and their lives, in the way they want to be. We all do it with our beliefs whether we’re aware of it or not. James had aspirations for more than where he was at one point in his life, and decided to take inspired action, to change both his inward then subsequently his outward experience. James, is a bad ass! (Let me define bad ass: I think he’s awesome!)
James started off being a person like all of us. We aspire for more. James has a huge imagination, and is an incredible storyteller, much like any other director, both renowned or not. He had the capability to communicate his intention to a mass of people, and they appreciated and understood it, and recognized him for it. Was James the same person before he was recognized by the public for his awesomeness? Not sure. Only he could answer that. But I can surmise that he was the same one minute before his big break and most likely the same after, only his world outter world changed. But one things for sure; He allowed himself his mind, to be it first, before it showed up in his life. Oh! And he worked his ass off doing and focusing on what he wanted to do. Be an amazing storyteller. He read, and he immersed himself in his craft. That helps too. 😉
James used to be a truck driver. A cool gig. A respectable, well paying job. Lots of travel, and lots of time to sit, and dream. That’s how it starts. With a desire, a dream, an intention for more in his case, but a satisfaction or impetus for more than what he was experiencing at the time, and a peace and acceptance from within or not, then came a purpose, an aim, and a goal. And if you can get out of your own way in your mind, eliminating self doubt and negative self talk as much as you can, them BOOM! You’ll see it!!! It’s the next logical step. It’s reality, as you created it. Well, there are other factors that mix in. Like people, and their wants and desires and needs. Ang when you mix with people, who have their own stuff going on, it becomes a co-creation. Life is a co-creation. We are beings that have set up a society where we measure success on population recognition and acceptance. James Cameron didn’t buy into that belief, and he created his reality that he wanted to see, both on and off the big screen. I am sooooo not there yet... internally. Woof...
James is proof, that you do not have to be defined by your chosen occupation, or how others view you. He focused on his stories, and his voice, and his opinion of himself was, and probably still is, the most important thing to him. I have noticed a trend among these incredibly talented, famous and successful creatives, and that is this: their love, is the primary focus, whether they realize it or not. Their love for their craft, tipped the scales of how they may or may not feel about themselves subconsciously or consciously. The love of what they love to do, and focus on, is their primary vibration. The rest is superfluous.
Celebrity is kinda a funny thing. You can become famous, if others recognize your talents. I always took issue with that when I was a “struggling by choice” actor. I had a chip on my shoulder, yes, but I also put all of my power and my self worth, in other people’s hands. Some may call it “self sabotage” or “shooting myself in the foot”. I wasn’t that self aware. I wanted to be accepted, loved, and when I wasn’t, and was passed over, I took it hard. Really hard. I didn’t value or appreciate me. I allowed others to define me, and yes, crush me, whether that was their intention or not.
I’m a sensitive person by nature, so I’ve learned over the years coping mechanisms to counteract callus, human behavior. Another belief I need to overcome. I’m full of them. So, you see I never tipped the scales to “success” with money and fame and accolades for my work, because latently inside, I didn’t believe I was good enough. And guess what I experienced on the outside in all of my work, whether I was hired or not? All that rejection, which I held internally. Boom. A harsh reality to face. I did it, with my feelings about myself, then my feelings and thoughts about how others view me, and then my subsequent reactivity to those people and situations around me. So for me, I did have all the power all along. How i decide to acknowledge it, and whether i decide to be deliberate about its use, is all up to me.
I have decided to be more deliberate. Man, I love that word! Deliberate! It puts me in the drivers seat. I will deliberately choose! Oooh! Better! Yes. I will deliberately choose to feel good! Yes! And I will deliberately choose to feel good, while loving people and myself. When I write about loving yourself it’s not at the expense of loving others, it’s in addition to it. You are also human, and part of the whole, so why ignore yourself in order to love others. Essentially, you can’t. You will deplete yourself, and have nothing left of value to give. So loving you, is imperative for a loving life.
James Cameron to me observing him from the outside and not knowing him personally, is an awesome life liver. Not a liver, the organ, which I am not a fan of. (I need to define to clarify my intent, otherwise people may misconstrue my meaning.)
Clarification is necessary to create healthy lives. Because when you know what you don’t want, what is next? Focus on the things that bliss you out. Clarity and context, help it all come into focus. Here’s the upshot of all of this: life should bring you joy. Any feeling or thought that you decide to entertain that doesn’t should be eliminated from your mind. That doesn’t include people, unless it does. This concept is a 2 or more way street. Both parties need to be willing to co-create in a way that is satisfying to both to remain in congruent with one another vibrationally, and in one another’s lives. Either a mutual respect, or an unspoken agreement of a co-dependent relationship.
Live, laugh, love. Ok. Extremely cliche, or, yeah duh, or yes, agreed. All choices. Decide your energy. I love to watch James Cameron movies, and listen to documentaries about his life. His success inspires me, and yes, sometimes can piss me off depending on how I feel about myself at the time. But I can always recognize my jealousy, and move past it back to love. Doing what you love to do, and appreciating others that do the same, is putting the love first, and out into the world. I have decided to be like James Cameron. I have decided to write. I have decided to love. Pretty cool...
P.S. my intention in writing this is not to get anything out of James Cameron, to star in his next movie, or to kiss his ass. My intention, is to create love within myself from my appreciation of him, and how I want to be as well, my own way. Love has a way of taking you where you need to be to be happy if you follow and pay attention to its crumb trail.