Trying to Make Sense of This War Inside My Head

Lukas Lockhart. Half demon raised by hunters and unknowingly the son of Markus. Homicide detective for the Redmour PD. Sent by the hunters that raised and grew up around him to Redmour. Will he really stay loyal after being around more people like him? Only time can tell.

[only-half-devilish]

how do you feel about jayson now?

I mean. I care about her. I always will. But she is an adult that will make her own decisions. Whether I support those decisions or not, it is her choice.

@contemptress-jayson

[only-half-devilish]

If you could go back in time, what would you undo?

If I was able to go back in time in my current body, I would protect my younger self. I do realize that as a child, I shouldn’t have gone through that. However, it is the way that I learned that the world is. If I could have protected younger Lukas from some scars, I would. If it was going back in time and I would replace that version of myself, I’d tell Jayson what I am earlier.

@contemptress-jayson

[only-half-devilish]

[only-half-devilish]

contemptress-jayson‌:

“I don’t know if there is anything else you can do. The damage is done.” All the compassion her tone possessed just a moment or two ago had now vanished. “I don’t think it’d be a good idea to approach me, especially considering I won’t remember who you are anymore.” She warned, her eyes falling anywhere but him. “I won’t have your number anymore and I won’t come to you so don’t wait on that,” Severing all ties with him is certainly a cruel thing to do but it’s the only thing Jayson could think to do given the circumstances.

“What do you mean by that? I don’t get what you are saying by you are not going to remember me?” Honestly, if she did that, wouldn’t that just give him a second chance to make things right? He could be open with her from the start. A way for him to show her that she deserves to be cared for. It’s not like she would know anyways, but he could always tell her that he knew her before her memory left her. Be completely honest and against his usual nature. Nothing really prevented that. Of course, losing her would be sad. But it could allow him to win her back again. 

[only-half-devilish]

contemptress-jayson‌:

“Apologies start to mean nothing when you hear them too many times.” It didn’t help that she had lost a significant amount of trust in him now. “Thank you Lukas but I want you to know that, what just happened doesn’t change anything. I don’t want to see you again. Once you leave…don’t come back.” Her words were slow, deliberate, fearful that she could trigger another flashback if she were too cruel. Her eyes still remained glossy with un-shed tears. 

“I don’t know what else to do to be honest.” He replied with a shrug. “I don’t think there is really anything I can do to prove to you that you matter or to really show you that I care other than ust respecting what you want at this point.” Lukas replied. It hurt of course, but he wasn’t used to being wanted much when he was his actual self. It was the character of him that people liked. “I won’t. I’ll still protect you from afar and... If they come, I’ll warn you.” He replied. “My door will always be open to you and you have my number.” His eyes didn’t leave the ceiling. He didn’t think he could handle looking at Jay at the moment.

[only-half-devilish]

contemptress-jayson‌:

Seeing him flinch from her touch made her all the more hesitant to initiate physical contact with him again but seeing him so damn vulnerable, she couldn’t help it. She ran a shaky hand through his hair, listening as he listed off the things he experienced with each of his senses. She said nothing, simply waiting until she finished calming himself. “It’s okay, I think you’ve done enough apologizing.” She pulled her hand away, shifting away from him to give him room. “You don’t have to apologize for that.” She didn’t have the heart to repeat the same cruel words she told him but she till wasn’t sure if she could cope with him being around her, in her house.

The half-demon turned on his back as he looked up at the ceiling. “I don’t think I could apologize to you enough to be honest.” He said softly as he was still learning how to breathe. Lukas noticed that she didn’t tell him that he could stay. He understood. “I will leave once my legs are stable... I want to respect you and your wishes... I think that is best way to show you I care because you deserve respect.” His eyes still staring at the ceiling. Plus, he was fucked up. She obviously saw that. Who’d want to hang with a broken hunter?

[only-half-devilish]

contemptress-jayson‌:

“Oh, but I am.” She insisted, her own deep-seated self-hatred coming into play. It wasn’t until she heard his body hit her hardwood floor with a loud thump that she was broken out of her wretched nostalgia. Immediately, Jayson jumped up, rushing over to him to check on him. “Lukas!” She called out, gently shaking him to try and bring him back down to earth. Hearing his words, his pleads, made it feel as if her heart had been ripped out. “Lukas…it’s me. Y-You’re safe, you’re not back with…your mother.” All the anger she felt towards him had drained away, only concern talking hold of her.

Lukas flinched when she touched him at first. Recoiling as though it were Seraphina. His breathing was still labored. He looked at the woman towering over him, terrified at first. “I... I’m... s-” He had began to cry, but it was Jayson’s voice that broke through at first. His breathing was still heavy, but he tried to ground himself like he had been taught outside of his family. “I see opal hair.... black hoodie...” His back still felt searing and his breathing hadn’t really changed. “...jade green eyes... wood floor... pale skin... I feel rough wood... pain of my scars... soft cotton... cold air.... I hear my breath...” His breathing started to slow a litlle. “...my heartbeat... Jayson...” He closed his eyes as he took a deep breath. “I smell... my blood... vanilla...” His heartbeat began to slow down. “I taste... metallic...” The half-demon’s eyes blinked open and he looked up at the half vampire. He felt too tired to lift himself off the floor, but it was obvious he was embarrassed. “I... I am sorry... I... I can still go... I just... I didn’t mean for...” 

[only-half-devilish]

contemptress-jayson‌:

“Now you want to be honest, after all this time. A little too late for that, don’t you think?” Silently, the blonde took note of his shaking, his body language suggesting something was beginning to tug at him. Normally she would’ve let go of her own issues and pain to focus on him. Now, she couldn’t do that. She had to be strong, for her own sake. “You and I have that in common. Being a fuck up and a failure is nothing new.” Maybe that’s why silent tears traveled down her reddened cheeks, thinking of how poorly he saw himself. She just couldn’t help to ease that terrible view he had. Continuing to build him up and allow herself to crumble would do far more damage than she could ever hope to repair. “No, you won’t. Get out.” Her tone was stern and surprisingly steady. “You want to play the misunderstood hero fine, but you won’t do that here. You told me your secret, and now it’s all over. Leave.”

“I didn’t. But you do.” He stated. Shakily, he reached up to wipe the tear on her cheek. “I don’t think you’re a failure.” The half-demon added. Get out. Leave. Those words brought him further back into his memory. Lukas began to feel uncomfortable in his own skin. But, he knew Jayson wasn’t going to change her mind. Nobody changed their mind when they said those things to him. It didn’t matter how hard he tried. Unsteady, Lukas tried to get up. It was a few steps before his legs gave out from under him and his breath was slightly elevated. His eyes seemed a little glazed over as the house that was Jayson’s looked all the similar to his childhood home. “Please...” His heart pounding and preparing his muscles and other body systems to react as they did when he was eight. “I... I am sorry... Mama... Please.” Tears began to run down his cheeks. The half-demon closed his eyes tightly and let out a small whine as he felt searing pain in his back. “Please. I’ll leave... I... I’ll come back when you’re proud.” 

[only-half-devilish]

contemptress-jayson‌:

“Don’t hold your breath for that hope.” Her nails dug into her palms, fists clenched tightly as her rage still continued to build. She would never intentionally hurt Lukas, that didn’t mean her own home wasn’t susceptible to facing her wrath. “You don’t think you can kill me? Is that supposed to warm my heart or something?” Her eyes narrowed at him, such a notion being something she would’ve leave to hear at a different time. “Now you’re saying my feelings for you might be doubtful? Are you kidding me? I was falling for you right up until you told me who you actually are. Do you fucking realize that grew up around people like you, people believing someone like me is worthy of nothing more than death just because I have a vampire’s blood running through my veins.” That’s what hurt the most, having to now see him as no better than the people she grew up with. “Do whatever you want, Lukas. It doesn’t matter anymore.” All that pent up rage from moments ago had now dissipated, a dark emptiness now taking it’s place. Her tone had become void of emotion, just like his had been when he revealed his secret to her.

Jayson saying that made Lukas wonder how long he could hold his breath. “Don’t tell me what to do.” He said softly. The hunter shook his head. “No. It is just me being honest. You keep talking about how I would. I am telling you I can’t. I could never bring myself to hurt you intentionally.” He scratched his head. “All of this shit that I am putting you through.” He moved his hands around him. “Completely unintentional. I am just a fuck up. I always have been a failure that could do nothing right.” His mother’s words ringing in his head. If Jayson was paying attention, she would see the demon slightly shaking while he tried to gain his composure as his mind raced through things that his mother put him through. Some of his scars felt as though they were burning on his skin. His fingers only gingerly gripping his jeans just to keep it in place. He couldn’t break down. He needed to be a rock right now. He needed to remain solid while he talked to Jayson. He just hoped that his slight ticks could go by unnoticed. “I care about you. I don’t think you’re worthy of nothing. I think you are worthy for a lot more than just simply me.” His voice was a whisper. He didn’t want to get too loud. He didn’t want her to see the cracks. She already knew too much that she didn’t like. He couldn’t please her. He couldn’t please Seraphina. Isaiah probably was disappointed. Marcus would hate his son if he knew who he really was. His slight grip on his jeans got a little tighter as the memory of the scars hurt. He was just a failure. He was always a failure. “Then I’ll stay here.” He wasn’t sure he could move if he wanted to. He was hanging by a thread.

[only-half-devilish]

cassandratheangel‌:

Cassandra smiled when she heard Dimitri’s name. The blonde nodded. “I know where he is.” She looked at her phone. “He should be just finishing up work at the fire station.” She looked at the other. “He might be heading over to the gym.” She tilted her head. “Is there anything I can help you with?”

“Awesome. Maybe you could tell me what he looks like now? His favorite color? Star sign? Does he like long walks on the beach? You know, the good stuff.” He replied with a chuckle.

[only-half-devilish]

contemptress-jayson‌:

“Right, because you just expect me to take your word for it?” Her tone, tightly laced with sarcasm, a whirlwind of emotions had made landfall within her. “You had so much time to tell me the truth, and you didn’t. And now is when you decide to say something?!” Jayson lashed out, unable to reign herself in further. “That sounds like a challenge Lukas, who knows maybe I’ll go out and kill someone, get all the blood I need. Can’t protect a monster you’re supposed to kill?” Her pace in speech has spiked, the blonde becoming more frantic as all of her thoughts seemed to become more and more inconsistent. “You can’t make it up to me Lukas! Open your eyes, I want nothing to do with you.” She growled again, this time a bit louder as her malicious gaze met his. “You’d fight those that created you? You really think I’ll believe that? And all for what to not let someone you fucked and let drink from you die?! You’re suddenly turning over a new fucking leaf?”

“I can hope.” He replied with a shrug. “I can’t expect anything from you since I disappointed you, Jayson. I can only hope.” Lukas stated softly. “You and I both know that was not fully true. I had to leave for an investigation. An actual investigation and this is the sort of thing that you tell someone in person. I wasn’t going to randomly text it or tell you over the phone. I understand at least slight social queues.” The dark-haired boy stated. His hands simply resting in his lap as he looked at her. His eyes seemed to almost be pleading with her for a little bit of something. It was the most he had tried for anyone except his mother. Maybe he liked the abuse? Maybe he liked her telling him to get lost? It was what she had done often. Seraphina was an unforgiving witch. “I am not going to kill you. I simply won’t... I don’t think I can.” He admitted. The boy that at a young age killed another child now saying he couldn’t kill a simple half-vampire. It was pathetic in a way. “Sure. You can want nothing to do with me. It is your choice. It shows me that you might not have meant it when you said you had been falling for me. However, that doesn’t change that I will protect you. I’ve been unwanted before. I’ve been shoved out of a room before. It didn’t change that I would do whatever I could for them. So it won’t change for you.” He stated. The half-demon completely calm as she growled at him. He stayed where he was in front of her. “I would fight Isaiah for you. It’s how much you mean to me. You might have been falling for me, but you weren’t falling alone...” He stated. “I don’t know where I lie on my morality scale anymore. But no, it wasn’t just sex and you drinking from me. You are far more than that.”

[only-half-devilish]

contemptress-jayson‌:

“You think I haven’t tried to figure that out already? You gave your blood to avoid having an uncontrollable beast to deal with. Fix the problem before it becomes one.“ Jayson felt foolish, for not realizing the signs, for not knowing that the things he did and said had ulterior motives. “I don’t just want space, Lukas.” She practically growled, eyes narrowing as she eyed the nothingness in front of her. “I don’t want you anywhere near me. I want nothing to do with you. If you did feel that way about me, you wouldn’t have lied to me all this time.” Her mind had been made up, now all that was left to do had been to rid herself of this heartache one way or another. “You don’t get to protect me or help me, not when you’ve been such a fucking coward. I won’t tell anyone about you, truth be told I won’t be remembering you for very long so you can carry on with your bullshit and your cruelty. Maybe I’ll make myself into a monster, make it easier on you and your little friends.” His last statement struck a particularly wrong chord within her. “They may have created you, but you’re who you are now because you’ve chosen to be that way. You can keep trying to blame them, but it doesn’t matter. You’re still in control of your own actions.”

“You’re wrong. But I’ve learned that trying to make you change your mind about anything never works.” He replied. Jayson was always so hard headed. Sometimes it was a struggle to deal with, especially now. “What was I supposed to say? That was amazing and by the way I am a hunter? It’s not something that I could easily admit to anyone in this town and now you are the only one that knows specifically because of how I feel about you. Why else would I tell you? If I didn’t care, then I would have just left it alone.” Lukas stated. “No. I will still protect you whether you remember me or not. You’re not a monster. You never will be a monster. I am sorry that I was an idiot, but I can’t change that I was one... I am trying to make it up to you.” He shook his head. “I don’t think you understand what I was saying... I am saying I would fight Isaiah. That he’d have to deal what he created... Not blame them for my actions. I am very confused as to what you are trying to say.”

[only-half-devilish]

contemptress-jayson‌:

“You’re sorry? Is that supposed to fix all of this?” Her voice was raspy, another sniffle cutting away her ability to speak for a moment. The moment his hand touched hers, she looked down to see their hands together, her heart aching. She pulled her hand away quickly, shifting herself ever so slightly to create more distance. “You can keep apologizing but it doesn’t change anything. I don’t trust you.” Her gaze fall passed him, unable to maintain eye contact with him for very long. “I was new to all of this and now I wished I was still able to feel nothing.” Jayson wanted to believe he meant it when he said he’d die to protect her but given what he’s told her and how void of emotion he was in doing so, she couldn’t have faith in his words. “I don’t believe you. If you were able to keep up this act of being just like everyone else here, you can easily pretend to care that much for someone like me, a monster you’re trained to kill.” Her shaky hands moved to brush away the stray strands of blonde hair sticking to her face. “You would’ve been fine continuing on pretending to be someone you’re not, had you never shown up today, had I never seen you with that other girl, you would’ve continued on with a lie until the perfect moment came where you or fucking friends could shove a knife in my back. For that alone, I hate you.”

“I don’t expect it to fix all of this, but it is all I can say.” His empty hand falling as she pulled away from him. “What hunter would give his blood for someone he didn’t care for? Why would I do that if I was planning on killing you, Jayson? Why would I worry when you look pale? Please. Can you process that one out?” He looked at her. His deep brown eyes filled with his own version of heartache. “I don’t toy with my kills. It is not who I am.” He had been tortured enough to not want to do that to others. The half-demon nervously playing with his hands for lack of something else to do, to focus on, to touch. Jayson made it clear that there was a line, a barrier. Even right in front of her, he felt thousands of miles a part. “I know I should have told you sooner. I realize that. But I cannot change the past and I am sorry. I would have always told you. I told you out of my own realization that... That... Um... I might like you more than a friend. If I am being honest, it is probably good that you want the space. It means that Isaiah and David won’t try to hurt you for my feelings.” The dark haired hunter popped his knuckles. “I would have never let anyone shove anything in your back. Or your front. I would have gotten you out of here. As long as they think I am compliant, then I should know if they plan to come.” He admitted. “I understand you hating me though... I truthfully do, Jayson. But I will try to protect you the best I can whether you want me to or not.” He stated simply. “They created me after all, so I know their tactics.”

[only-half-devilish]

contemptress-jayson‌:

“I don’t know what I’d do, but I…really don’t want you anywhere near me.” She sniffled, forcing herself to look away from him. “You’re not a monster Lukas.” She stated, her voice betraying her by showing the emotions she so desperately wished to be rid of at this moment. “You don’t get it…Lukas I…” She bit down on her lip, nearly hard enough to draw blood. She willed herself to spit out a confession of her own. “Lukas I was…in a moment as terrible as this one, I realized something. I was falling for you Lukas. For the first time in my life I felt love and you-” Her voice grew shaky again, her hands balling up to gather whatever courage was still left in her. “You ruined that, and the worst part about it is you don’t even care.” She sniffled once more, eyes glued to the floor. “You’re not a monster…you’re a liar and a coward. You may not have actively said you weren’t a hunter but you hid the most prominent part of yourself. You pretended to be someone you’re not.” She brought her knees to her chest, hugging them tightly as a means of comforting herself. “You talk about all of this and yet your voice is so empty. Yet you want me to believe you care about me?” At the thought of her next words, rage sprung up again. “If it came down to it, you would kill me too!”

He fully sat down on the ground in front of her. His facial features softening as he listened to her. He had changed himself in front of others before to fit a role. However, this time, he really wanted to be the right thing in the moment. She felt like she loved him? He sighed softly. Lukas looked like he felt guilty and maybe he genuinely did as much as he could. “I am sorry.” He stated and it sounded absolutely real. “I am sorry that I am not the man that you thought I was. I am sorry that there was a part of me that I kept hidden from you.” He reached out and took one of her hands in his. “I... I am new to this. I am new to being honest about what I am. I am new to caring. I am new to all of it. So it makes me a bit of a failure right now.” He admitted to her. “But I can tell you with one hundred percent certainty that I would never kill you. If Isaiah and David came tomorrow, I would lay down my life so you could escape. I’d be a major disappointment to my family, but I’d rather you be okay. I haven’t really had much to care for. My life has never been stable. Funny enough, scouting here has been the most stable my life has been in a long time. But of course, I would lay down my life for yours.”

[only-half-devilish]

contemptress-jayson‌:

That laughter…that wicked smile, it shouldn’t have as much of an effect as it did. She couldn’t believe what she was hearing, didn’t want to. “You think this is funny?” She asked, voice just as shaky as her lips. “Just because you haven’t killed anyone yet doesn’t mean you won’t.” She bit back a wretched sob, emerald hues clouding over with tears. “You care about me? And yet you’re a hunter that can so casually speak about your own father co-worker in such a nasty way!” Suddenly, another realization hit her, completely destroying whatever was left of her mangled heart. “You don’t care about me…tell me the truth was I just a game to you? Knowing what I am, what was I…a-a fucking guinea pig?!” Then began the screaming again, her gaze locking with him, begging for his words not to be true. “What is so fucking amusing about this Lukas? Wipe that smile off your face!” She always wanted to know what kind of dark side he might have, she never imagine it could mirror those she had been forced to call family for so many years.

“I have a hard time in situations like this to be completely honest. Part of me wants to comfort you, but you’d just punch me and push me away more because I am a monster in not matter what way you look at things.” He replied simply. “You’re right. Just because I haven’t killed anyone doesn’t mean I won’t. But like I informed you of, I was sent as a scout at the moment. I wasn’t sent to kill anyone.” He repeated. “Yes, I have fully complex emotions that not even I understand. However, so do others. What I am saying isn’t nasty about my father or my coworker. My father hasn’t know me for a long time and would simply be doing what he thinks is protecting what he cares about. My coworker would be doing the same. The word hunter is a scary word in the supernatural community and they just want to keep their home safe. I wouldn’t even blame them. Hell, I wouldn’t blame you if you told the founders and they tried to have me hanging by my neck come tomorrow morning. But I trust you on a leap of faith, which isn’t usual for me. However... I wanted to show you that I cared... Even if it is in a weird way of showing it.” He shook his head before bending down to reach her level. His eyes meeting hers. “No. Jayson. You are not nor were you ever a guinea pig. I don’t tell guinea pigs what I am. I don’t sleep with guinea pigs.” He stated sternly, the smile gone from his face. “As I’ve told you, I am fucked up admittedly. I don’t know how to handle situations like this, so sometimes laughter comes inappropriately... Are you saying you have never laughed at the wrong time?... My entire life has been devoted to killing, Jay. Please, give me a little bit of some leniency when I am trying to let you know more about me and who I really am. I am really trying here. I swear.”

[only-half-devilish]

contemptress-jayson‌:

“Hate you?” Bitter laughter escaped her quivering lips at the mere thought. “That would be more effort than I could allow myself to have.” Besides she’s fallen passed the point of being able to hatred, now was just the painstaking moments in between harsh impact. His revelation had been that cruel blow, rock bottom crushing her instantly. “You’re…w-what?” With each word it sounded as if all the wind had been violently knocked out of her. His admission hitting her like a sack of brick. Utter shock overtook the rage she possessed just moments before. “N-No…” Now fresh tears fell for an entirely different reason. The blonde slowly backed away until she hit the nearest wall, her legs giving out from under her. “That means…you…you’ve lied to me, to everyone. You’d kill us all if given the chance, you’d kill me.” Her nails scratched at the hardwood beneath her, a failed attempt at grasping the shattered remnants of the reality he just obliterated without so much as a flicker of remorse. “Y-You want me to trust you?! AFTER THAT?! HOW COULD YOU?!” She screamed uncontrollably, her mind racing countless miles per agonizing minute.

He allowed it to sink in. The half-demon crossing his arms as he watched her freshly fallen tears. She backed away from him like he was a monster. “No. I didn’t lie. I never told anyone I wasn’t a hunter. I simply did not mention it. Hell, I even said I was Buffy. A casual slip of course. But... I didn’t take it back and you never once asked me if I was one.” A dry laugh escaped his lips as he shook his head. “Jayson, that is cute that you have such little faith in my abilities. If I wanted you dead or anyone in this town, I would have simply done it by now. I am a homicide detective. It sort of makes for an easy cover up. A whole investigation where I am investigating my own murder? You don’t think I can mislead people?” He answered honestly. “So no. I don’t want you dead. Actually, I want the opposite. I would like for you to be alive. I care about you. Why else would I tell you something that could get me killed? You think good old Markipoo wouldn’t rip my head off the moment he found out I was a hunter? What about James? Don’t think that dog would try to make me a new chew toy the moment he found out?” He said completely calm. “I actually gave you a position of power over me. You’re the only one who knows what I am. I am putting my trust in you because I am trying to show you that I care about you and you mean something to me. But maybe I am too fucked up to know how to do that.” Another dry laugh escaped his lips as a devilish smile appeared on his face. “Maybe... Maybe I am not worthy to have a friend like you... Or any friends really.”

[only-half-devilish]

contemptress-jayson‌:

Her relentless assault continued, fists still beating at his chest to make him back away. She wasn’t a hugger, and if that alone wasn’t too much for her, she also despised how much she wanted to be held by him. “Shut up!” She pled with him, a sob threatening to tear through her words. “Tell me or say whatever you want, it doesn’t change things. Get away from me!” She utilized the small bit of unnatural strength she gained from drinking his blood to push him this time, hoping that would be enough.

He continued to let her beat into him. Lukas didn’t seem bothered by it at all. It was less than some things he had dealt with at a much, much younger age. He did however, let her push away when he felt the unnatural strength. “You’re already going to hate me more for what I am about to say, so just hold on to all this.” He stated softly, almost sad. It would cause anyone to wonder if he did regret this one thing. Lukas knew that this meant that he trusted her if he told her this. He knew that he would be dead by morning if she told anyone. “Jay.” He took her hand softly in his. “I’m a hunter. I was born... Created specifically for one purpose. You might have had a fucked up childhood, but I can promise you we are in the same boat there... My mother never loved me and thought I was an annoying monster. My family sent me here to scout everything out and report back to them.” He said in surprisingly calmness. Lukas’ voice was completely detached from all emotion. “Telling you this puts my life in your hands and shows you I care. You could have me killed tomorrow if you really hate me enough now that you know.” He said very analytically.