Anon Confessional

[onlyanons]

A safe and hopefully fun place to ask questions or just share what's on your mind.

I reserve the right to not post anything I deem racist or homophobic/transphobic.

Content may be NSFW so 18+ recommended.

It should be noted I'm not a professional just someone willing to listen.

Asks will be answered within 24 hours.

Ash x

[onlyanons]

I just found out that Fruity is a slur (For reference, I am under 20yrs old and straight). I've been using it playfully for years (only a few times a year, but still, I used it). I am in tears, I feel terrible. I've always used it playfully, never meaning any harm, just joking around, but if I had any ANY idea that it was offensive I would have never touched it with a ten-foot pole. Reminder to my fellow straight people, don't just assume because someone that is LGBTQ+ uses a term, that you can too. You CAN NOT take it back. I am so so sorry. I will never, EVER, say it again.

So I know you're upset with yourself but try and give yourself a little grace. You in no way meant any harm to the LGBTQ+ community. It's hard to know everything and things change all the time. One day it's ok to say something and the next day it's not. Or some people are ok with a term and others aren't. So it can be confusing to know what's what. Ash x

[onlyanons]

team color guy returning from a while back since theres no one else I can rant to and it's such a small thing <\3

Team colors are originally a nice golden yellow and deep green (FFC100 & 103E00) to neon yellow and green (FDED4F & 72F449). 0 contrast in new colors and they also are near identical to another team :( but leadership council have now decided they are good with no input from the rest of the team so now these are permanent and are being incorporated

Feels dumb to complain about such a small part of the team but those colors just.........dont work well? at all? anyway ty for hearing my tedtalk again mod, hope you have an awesome day

It's not dumb to express when something upsets you. It's too bad they're not allowing input from all the team. Ash x

[onlyanons]

i have 2 things i like desperately need to complain abt im sorry lmao

the first one is like kinda boring but basically whenever i drive my knees hurt like really bad which wouldnt be a problem if i was maybe like 20 years older but at my big age???? i think i need to actually look into getting a proper management plan and slash or getting a heds diagnosis bc my friend who has it is almost certain i do too 😛

the second thing i need to complain abt is lowkey like ofc im saying this but i need a relationship so bad rn i feel so lost but its like okay the girl i like idk if i like bc she doesnt rly care abt me and lowkey keeps getting on my nerves and in terms of girls like theres kinda no one else i can go for in terms of people i know. for the men its lowkey the same and tbh idek if i like men atp like

idk man

Don't be sorry. Sometimes you just need to have a vent about things. But yeah if you're having knee pain and there's no reason (injury, etc) for it that you know of them you should definitely get it checked out. Hopefully you'll find someone that you know for sure likes you back. Ash x

[onlyanons]

I never believed the whole "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" crowd, and I always thought that my CPTSD only made me weaker, but then I became friends with non-traumatized people and realized that the problems that are the end of the world for THEM (girlfriend broke up, ran out of money, moved to a new house, normal-people problems like that) are like... Minor inconveniences for me at best. So maybe I'm not as weak as I thought I was.

Yeah life as a way of teaching us how strong we are. Some life problems are just minor blips when you're dealing with daily health issues. Ash x

[onlyanons]

Confession time!

Sometimes I watch YouTubers I used to watch during childhood for nostalgia purposes. I feel like I'm lowkey age regressing, but I know I do this as it helps bring me back to a time when I was happy and my adult self misses that.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. A lot of people rewatch things they enjoyed in childhood. It makes us happy to remember and that's never a bad thing. Ash x

[onlyanons]

bringing this here because i’m too embarrassed to discuss it with anyone else 🙃

so, the recent accidental passing of a public figure has very unexpectedly brought up a lot of feelings for me. it’s been weird. in the intervening time i’ve gradually gone from being mildly, fleetingly curious to holding genuine admiration for this person and feeling, very sadly, that i missed out on showing my appreciation while it counted the most. mourning a public figure brings up strange feelings in its own right; i’ve been there on exactly one occasion, and in that case it was someone was had been important to me for many years, so to my logical mind, that made more sense. i’m not someone who cares about celebrity for its own sake, and besides, this came entirely out of left field for me because this person was barely on my radar before and is pretty far removed from my typical areas of interest. it’s still made me very sad. it feels like the world lost a very special person, and i keep thinking about so many different angles to this…all of the people who are hurting because of it, how unfair it is, and how wildly unnecessary it was that this even happened at all. i also just feel kind of silly, because like, wtf? if someone had come to me a few months ago and asked me who this person was i’m not even sure if i would’ve been able to tell them. part of me is just like, “why on earth do you care so much?” but i mean…a human being is suddenly dead. i think within reason it’s normal to care about that and to think about it on some level.

i think at least a part of why it bothers me so much is because it reminds me of a more personal loss i went through a few years ago. a close family friend was the third in a series of very personal losses for me over the course of just three months, and his death was purely accidental and entirely preventable. i don’t want to go into detail because it could venture into identifiable territory, but he was an OUTSTANDINGLY good person. he was genuinely passionate about standing up for others even when it was difficult and potentially dangerous for him. he died in a boating accident over a holiday weekend. the smallest change of decision would have unknowingly saved his life. if he had chosen to spend the day with a different group of friends, if the weather had been different, even if he’d just gone to use the restroom at that exact moment, he’d probably be alive today. there was a period of time when he hadn’t yet been found, which gave everyone false hope. i imagined every possible scenario that could have meant he was still alive - maybe he swan to shore and got lost and his phone was ruined from the water, etc. for quite awhile after his death i felt like i was losing my mind or something and would just keep replaying what happened based on what i knew. completely irrationally, it almost felt like if i could just figure out EXACTLY what happened, i could somehow change the outcome. of course i knew that wasn’t possible, but it didn’t stop my feelings at the time. sudden loss is just so very hard to deal with.

a small part of me also just feels practically cursed lol. i know that’s illogical, but almost everyone i care about or love in any way is a lot older than me, so naturally, sometimes i feel like everyone i love is on their way out. everyone i love is already gone or is slowly leaving me. i often feel like i’m in a perpetual state of anticipatory grief, and this feels more rational for some people i care about than for others. this specific person wasn’t drastically older than me, so now i’m like, well damn…even people i didn’t KNOW i cared about are leaving me lol.

anyway, i know this is all kind of silly. i know this message is kind of directionless and trauma dump-ish (sorry lol). it’s a weird time for me and i hope i can stop thinking about this soon, i guess. part of me doesn’t want to because it just feels…significant? but i would like to move on lol. strange and uncomfortable times.

(…i’m so paranoid about sending anonymous messages and feel so embarrassed about this, on the off chance this doesn’t send anonymously like it should, please either just delete and ignore it or copy everything and resend to yourself anonymously lol. thank you for your time and thank you for hosting this blog 🩷)

It's not silly. Death is a natural part of life of course and it's ok to be affected by it whether you knew the deceased or not. Playing the what if game is natural too. And don't worry if any asks come here off anon I reach out to the person and let them know. Ash x

[onlyanons]

(feel free to delete this if it feels insensitive,,)

i'm unhealthily underweight and i'm honestly kinda scared to talk about it. i have the "ideal" body type that people are starving themselves for, mainly because ive had disordered eating all my life. and i feel like i have to just. shut up and deal with it.

like. it's not fun. my health issues are enough as is, being underweight doesn't help. people aren't nice about it either. if i had a nickel for every time my weight was the punchline to a joke that someone else made, id be rich

but i'm also. skinny. talking about it feels like im trying to talk over fat people when they talk about fatphobia. i'm not, but it does.

like oh, here's another person that's skinny as hell, trying to talk about being ostracized based on weight. how dare they!

idk. this is one of the few times i've ever written down my feelings on this before

I'm sorry to hear people are rude. I recently made a post on another blog about how skinny shaming isn't ok just as fat shaming isn't and the comments were so horrible. I don't get why people think commenting on someone's weight no matter what size they are. Ash x

[onlyanons]

Not a confession, just wanted to thank you for running this blog - I live on my own and have nobody to talk to, and reading through these posts and your responses makes me feel less alone 💖

Oh you're very welcome. I do think it's lovely when others take the time to respond to someone else's ask. It's like we have a little community and I think that's wonderful. Ash x

[onlyanons]

I went to my doctor last year asking for help because I was pretty sure I had PCOS, but I was waved off because they didn't find any cysts on my ovaries, even though I have literally every other symptom (especially the painful and irregular periods; sometimes it gets so bad that I can't even stand, and other times I won't have a period for three months straight)

When I heard that they'd renamed it to take the focus off of the ovarian cysts, I asked if I could get tested again, because that was literally the only thing marking me as 'not having it' and now it's not a requirement anymore, and my doctor said that they won't retest me because it's already in my file that I don't have it and it would be a waste of everyone's time

I can't afford to go private and I can't get any doctors to listen to me, because it's in my medical records that I've been tested for this condition and that I don't have it, and nobody will acknowledge that the criteria have changed and I match them perfectly now, so I just have to deal with being essentially bedbound for a week at a time at completely random intervals throughout the year instead of getting any help from medical professionals

I just. I'm so done with this bs. I hate it.

Oh that is awful. I'm so sorry you're having to first of all deal with that and then not have any help with it. I know it's frustrating when medical professionals don't listen but you gotta keep at them until they take your concerns seriously. Ash x

[onlyanons]

Anon from this ask

https://www.tumblr.com/onlyanons/819934917287919616/started-dating-the-guy-who-ive-been-into-for-a

I realized recently that I might have borderline personality disorder. Which does not seem perhaps entirely unrelated to how badly this was upsetting me considering I had just been obsessing over him

https://www.tumblr.com/onlyanons/819934917287919616/started-dating-the-guy-who-ive-been-into-for-a

Ah I see. I'm not sure if you're going to be (or already have) sought out professional help for this but hopefully there is some treatment or something that can help with all those intense feelings. Ash x

[onlyanons]

This (straight) girl I know was telling me a story about how she was hit on by a lesbian at an event and I am slightly conflicted. On one hand, she told me she felt uncomfortable, and the lesbian girl wouldn't leave her alone, and this is obviously bad and I shouldn't support it. On the other hand, I was at that same event. I AM BI. I WOULD ACTUALLY RECIPROCATE. WHY ARE THERE NO LESBIANS HITTING ON ME

I know I shouldn't be saying that because that's kinda like men saying "damn, I wish I was sexually harrassed", but it also feels like I'm not attractive enough or whatever. Why is she making random straight women uncomfortable when I'm there and desperate

It's ok to be a bit jealous. Obviously the one being persistent with your friend (acquaintance or whatever) should have taken the hint but you wishing you'd have gotten the same kind of attention in no way means you support sexual harassment. I'm sure you'll find what you're looking for. Ash x

[onlyanons]

hello it's anon pissed off at ceiling fan again. i cried for NOTHING i just told my mom i don't like it and she said ok we'll change it back and return this one 👍 IT WAS THAT EASY. my people pleasing has led me to places i wouldn't go with a gun.

Oh I'm glad to hear that. I'm proud of you for letting them know. I know you were stressed about that but as cliche as it is honesty really is the best policy and see it all worked out. Ash x

[onlyanons]

i’m the anon from the restaurant. i guess i just don’t know who i could even tell if i wanted to talk to someone about it. i do worry about something happening someday. i don’t want him to get hurt because he was drinking at work. we have security cameras in the restaurant but i dont know who has access to them besides him and possibly the owner. his sister in law used to work at the restaurant too (it’s how she met her husband, his brother) and my friend knows her. maybe if it continues we could talk to her? i just don’t want to do that and then get told off for getting involved in their family business or anything. this job is not worth how much stress it has caused me in the past few months tbh (there was a whole other situation where the owner tried to keep kittens in the back of the restaurant but i wont get into that. they’re not there any more don’t worry, the health department told him he couldn’t keep them there. i told him that too but why would he listen to the employees right?) i guess it’s a good thing im already in the market for another job. i wont leave this one until i have one that can actually pay my rent but yeah. i love working with my friend but the job has been getting worse and worse lately. and i dont even really work WITH my friend since theres only one cashier scheduled at a time so its just one person working the front. anyway im getting off topic but my point is i dont really know who id even talk to about being worried

So I appreciate that all of this would be awkward but I do worry that not only could he possibly hurt himself he could also do a lot of damage to others or the building. And I don't wish to add more stress to you of course but I don't know how it would look if something were to happen and it came out that you did know and didn't say anything. Ash x

[onlyanons]

Hi hell my brain is. mush.

I feel like I'm split between the part of myself who wants to be a realized, fulfilled, weird queer person that I know I am. And I /know/ I'll be happy that way.

But, with the shit going on with my life and financial situation with my family, the tired part of me just wants to... give in. I think I could act convincingly about wanting to date (ace) and have kids (completely afraid of having kids). Hell, I could even manage to pretend like a Normal Guy™ if it helps add another revenue stream.

I'm already a college dropout. Both fields that I would even want to try in - art and tech - are both a nightmare right now. I dunno... I'm not really as smart as I was before and even though I'm trying as hard as I can to get back there I just. It just feels easier to give up.

It's always easier to give up but ultimately you will be miserable and unfulfilled. Please don't push down the parts of you that will make you happy. Dropping out of college doesn't mean you don't deserve to lead the life you want to live. Ash x

[onlyanons]

hi ash,

so i (22, university student) work at a local fast food restaurant as a cashier and recently i have been a bit worried about the head cook. he would joke with me and my friend (also 22, also works there and got me the job) about how we should go out and party and drink tequila. at first it was fun, like every couple weeks he’d tell us we should go have fun and party, but recently he has been bringing it up every day we see each other, and i also know he has been drinking at work. the other day it got to the point where he doordashed buzzballs and tequila and he took one and gave us the rest. i mean, im broke so im not going to turn down free alcohol i guess but also it was very clear he was encouraging me (my friend wasn’t working at the time, just hanging out) to drink on the clock, maybe to make him feel more normal about doing it? (i took one sip of my friend’s buzzball to kind of play along so he wouldn’t say anything else about it. it obviously wasn’t enough to get me drunk but i still would really prefer not to have alcohol at my job. alcoholism runs in my family and as such i am very cautious about how often, how much, and under what conditions i drink.) i just don’t know what to do. it’s a small business so it’s not like there’s hr or anything and the owner knows the cook better than he knows me. i know the cook is an adult (i think he’s 34-35, he told me once but i don’t remember which one) who can make his own choices but on top of the pressuring me to drink at work i’m actually more worried about his safety and health. i noticed the other day that the whites of his eyes were quite yellow. i thought (hoped) maybe it was the light, but it wasn’t. i don’t know what to do. i don’t know if it’s my business. i don’t want to get anyone in trouble, especially because he is an immigrant from mexico and now is not really a safe time for immigrants. he has a wife and a little daughter. i just worry.

Oh dear that is a lot. While I appreciate that you're worried about what would happen to him outside of work his behaviour at work is simply not acceptable and it's dangerous. If he has an alcohol problem there's nothing shameful about that but he really shouldn't be drinking on the job and certainly shouldn't be encouraging you or anyone else to do so either. I know you don't want to be a tattle tale but the possibilities of what might happen one day are very scary. Ash x

[onlyanons]

When I was a kid I had zero friends and got bullied a lot for being autistic and my parents beat me when I came home, so my whole life I felt worthless and unwanted by all of humanity. I'm an adult now and lots of people call me their friend and my parents don't beat me anymore, but I still feel worthless and unwanted (and like my friends are only pretending to be friends with me for ulterior motives) because of what happened in my childhood. Everyone keeps telling me to just get over it and they imply that I'm pathetic for allowing my childhood trauna to affect my self worth now, but it's easier said than done because I was treated like something unwanted for the majority of my life (especially the part of my life when my brain was doing the most development), and all the evidence for me being wanted has been few and far between (and also very weak). Not to mention that if my brain finds even a hint of evidence that someone might not like me, it goes straight to the "reasons why I'm unwanted" pile. I feel like the only possible way for me to heal is for the amount of evidence that I'm wanted to outweigh the amount of evidence that I'm unwanted, but the evidence for me being unwanted is so huge and has been piling up for so long that I don't think I'll ever heal, no matter how much people love me now.

I'm sorry all of that happened to you and I hope your parents have apologized to you and atoned in some way. Nobody should be telling you to get over it. That was a lot to deal with especially as a child. Trauma affects us deeply unless we work hard at finding ways to have it not. You've said nothing about having had any therapy to help deal with all of these intense feelings. Ash x