Only, If Maybe

I am not a writer. I am a hopeless romantic, a dreamer. Some of these are true, others half true, and the rest are lives we'll never have.

[onlyifmaybe]

My Person

I’ve found my person. Crazy, right? One second, you’re alone and full of memories you’ve never had with the faceless. And the next second, you’re full of every damn possibility and a face you’re so eager to see at the end of a long day. And it’s odd, because this person has given me a loss of words. Poems and chapters and books and libraries are not enough. My words are never enough. They will never do it justice. I can see my life flash before me and for once, I’m not afraid.

[onlyifmaybe]

40 Minutes

She was 20 minutes late. And I was 20 minutes early. So I sat alone for 40 minutes. For 40 minutes, I stared at my hands an awful lot. All that moisturizer and they were still dry. I checked Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and tried logging into my old Myspace (forgot the password). I checked them all at least 12 times each. I tanked my first beer and nursed the second. I looked away every time the door opened, just in case. I was full of jitters. She wasn’t going to show. This was all for naught. This possibility in the form of a pretty face and two weeks of texts. Two weeks of shooting the shit and “what kinda music do you like?” and “deal breaker?”.

It all culminated into 40 minutes of anxiety. She said she was running late. In my calculation, about 20 years. In hers, just 20 minutes. My second beer didn’t last as long as it should have, and I made my way to the bar for another. Hell, maybe she wasn’t coming at all. As I attempted to elbow my way to the bar and hail the bartender, she grabbed my arm. My knees buckled and I nearly fell over. Too close, too soon, too much, my heart, too fast, too good, too warm, my heart.

[onlyifmaybe]

Penny For Your Words

I said “I love you” too quickly. I knew it when it fell out of my mouth, like a penny in a two-foot deep pool at the mall. It floated for a moment and settled at the bottom of the water, amongst the rest of them. The rest of the watered down three-word swears. But once you let it go, you can’t take it back. It looks like all the others, and you can’t figure out where you were even standing. You don’t remember what song was playing, let alone anything other than the faint scent of chlorine. The moment you tried to hold onto slipped away, just like that. And thereafter, I just pulled out my pennies left and right. Because, how easy it is to throw a penny into a pseudo wishing well at the mall.

[onlyifmaybe]

You hold my hair back, I'll drive the porcelain bus.

"Here, drink this," she said as she handed me a glass of water. "Just chug it." "I dunwunna. I'm full," I slurred, eyes half open. "Well you should be full. You drank a barrel full of booze."

Something happened, something definitive that made me want to forget it was even a possibility. And I was a hot mess of shots and slammers and yards and forget the mixed somethings, just give it to me straight. In my drunken stupor, I called her. I shouldn't have called her, but 4 hours into my mind erasing extravaganza, her name looked so good on the screen.

She took me home. Any number of my celebratory entourage could have gotten me home, I'm sure. But she made sure it was her. Three hurls later, we both ended up on my bathroom floor, facing each other, my legs fitting perfectly into the spaces of hers.

"What the hell happened? What made you drink so much tonight?" "I don't know."

I didn't tell her, of course. The details are unnecessary. The fact of the matter is she's here with me in my state of complete disarray, and I wish I was sober enough to appreciate it.

"Drink this. I can't let you go to sleep until you finish it," she said as she shoved another glass of water into my hand. "Okay, fine. But if I do, will you stay with me?" Apparently that barrel of booze came with some balls. "Deal." Of course, I immediately passed out after that. But I don't think I've ever felt so indebted to something so mundane as a glass of water. Because from that, something happened, something definitive.

[onlyifmaybe]

I know you're waiting for me. I'm waiting for you, too. I'm just trying to figure out how that can be.

[onlyifmaybe]

Light

She came at me with so much light, I was blinded. I wanted all of her warmth all of the time. I could feel it in my bones, on my skin, in my mind. She made me better, made me feel alive. And when it was over, she still flickered on the horizon. Never took the light out of my soul. Every now and then, I see her coming my way, a little brighter, a little longer. And I think just maybe I'm falling further. Maybe she's coming closer to shore.

[onlyifmaybe]

I Talk About Love

I talk about love like I'm old and gray. I talk about it like I've been with the same person for most of all my life and know she's the one. I talk about love like it seeps from my heart, because it doesn't know how to contain itself. I talk about it like it's the greatest thing in all the world, because it is. But I'm not. And I haven't. But I will probably continue to talk about it just because.

[onlyifmaybe]

I lied.

I lied without intention. I told you I knew who I was, and I knew who you were. I said I knew you were the one. I said a lot of things. I made promises I couldn't keep, but I didn't mean to. And I knew the minute I woke up that morning, when I turned over to my side and saw you laying there with your limbs strewn across our sheets, that I no longer knew you. And I walked to the bathroom, looked myself in the mirror, and I no longer knew me. Somewhere in there, we got a little lost in routine. I wish I could have placed when, so I could have at least tried to keep from lying to you.

[onlyifmaybe]

Laugh

She laughed at almost everything. I couldn't tell if she was just giddy or always high. But she had the most contagious, attractive laugh any specimen could possibly have. I always made sure to keep my own chuckles to a quiet hush just so I could hear hers still.

[onlyifmaybe]

Read, Reread

Let's reread each other like an old book we knew we enjoyed but had forgotten. Through yellowed pages, a blur of late nights reappear. Piece by piece we begin falling back into place. A new routine muddled with the ghosts of old ones. Let's replay first kisses and dress up for nights out. Ask me about my past. Tell me about your future plans. Years and years have gone by, but subtleties like the way you bite your lip still remains. But the questions, we're still asking. The answers, wondering if they've changed. Of all parts to the story, it was the end that stuck the most. But I think we're both hoping for an alternate ending.

[onlyifmaybe]

How I Listen to Sad Songs

It's been a while since I've heard from you and even longer since I saw your face. And I tried my best to keep it that way. You were poison...and wine. And I suddenly felt the sadness in my bones. So I lay on the floor and blast my rainy day playlist. I don't care that it's 2:51am and my neighbors have periodically jammed a broom to the ceiling to get me to shut up. I don't care. Sad songs never seem too loud anyway. They're muffled by emotion, and crescendos never seem enough.

I close my eyes with my arms and legs spread. I am an X. I'm drifting, and I see you. I see montages like a movie paired perfectly to song. And for a brief moment, I am warm and I can feel your breath on my neck. Creepy, really. And I open my eyes. And the memories dusted with happy thoughts begin to fade, and I remember what brought me to the floor in the middle of the night. You were poison.

[onlyifmaybe]

I Loved Her

I loved her. I loved her from a distance in written words unspoken, on crumpled napkins, in old notebooks on my shelf. I loved her with my morning coffee gone cold, my bed sheets unmade, my 3am eyes awake. I knew better than to chase her, knowing never to chase what didn't know how to chase in return. But with all the work I had done since she left, all the hotel rooms and plane rides, meals for one and drinks at the bar, I had hoped she'd appear one day. I don't know. Maybe I'd see her on the street on my way to a meeting, and she'd without hesitation, stop to say hi. She'd see me now in all that I've become and never know that through all of this, I loved her. But it hadn't happened. And for a while there, I loved her from a distance still.

[onlyifmaybe]

A Moment

I crossed the floor to meet her. She was talking and laughing and engaged. But I couldn't wait. I grabbed her hand. She looked at me, smiled, and excused herself. We made it to the center of the floor, weaving through couples drunk off of each other. And we became one of them. She whispered, "You remembered." And I replied, "How could I forget?" I held her close to me and closed my eyes. I was taken back to years before when we sat in my car and I practically begged her not to go. I was beyond infatuated. I was loopy and love drunk. And as much as I tried to hide it, she knew it too. As I was talking, my butterfingers stumbled through the radio stations looking for something worth savoring the moment in. Even in intense moments, I can still somehow multitask. And there it was, the perfect song. She grabbed my hand, leaned into me, and closed her eyes. I don't know what you would call a moment like that. Maybe a moment of knowing. We never named it or celebrated an anniversary for it. I don't actually think we even ever talked about it. But whenever that song came on, wherever we were, we just had to dance.

[onlyifmaybe]

Wake Up, I Love You.

I hated mornings. I mean, I wanted to love them, but I could never find the will to get up. Or at least I couldn't until that day she used her love against my hatred of the morning time. "Wake up, I love you," she said holding a cup of coffee to my face. The aroma of the coffee woke up my nose, and the sound of her voice woke up my eyes. In 5 words, she told me she wanted to see me, to spend time with me before work, to enjoy my company. If you only ever look at that way, you'd understand how I would never find a better reason to contest. And everyday thereafter, she woke me up with coffee and a smile. Needless to say, but I'll tell you anyway, I love mornings.

[onlyifmaybe]

I stared out the window into the night. It felt strange staring at the stars without looking up. And although I was so much closer, it didn't necessarily mean they were. Just like you, just out of reach, all the same.

[onlyifmaybe]

Broken Cycle

Hang your heart on my weary bones. I have not failed you just yet. Murmur your worn words and promise me more promises. I'll stay awake just to listen. Don't you see that repetition is regurgitation? The same phrases broken down, muddled, misused. How do I tell you with new words that all I want is for the sun to rise again? Because you will ask me how. And I'll say "I don't know."

[onlyifmaybe]

Countdown

Like every year, the new year's eve festivities were beyond me. The crowds of people whose company I would never enjoy sober let alone drunk, the loud repetitive music causing people to dance solely with their knees, the confetti that got everywhere and stayed everywhere. And once again, this year, I found myself there. Maybe if I surround myself by it, I'll abhor it a little less as the years progress. False. False except for what happened this time. Mind you, I am not one for random make outs, one night stand small talk, morning after awkward silences. I don't do those. And per usual, you could probably tell as I sipped my whiskey in the back of the room towards the 1 minute countdown. I smiled foolishly at all the couples I showed up to the party with. Part of me so happy for them and part of me wishing I was at least alone by myself versus alone in a room full of sloshy happy people.

55 Seconds. You approached me from behind, tapped my shoulder, and yelled your name. 50 seconds. You told me we've met before. Did I remember? 35 seconds. I still couldn't place your face, though familiar. 30 seconds. You asked if I came alone. With friends. 22 seconds. You said you were hoping to find me here. 20 seconds. How the hell would you? Where have I seen you before? 14 seconds. Baffled. Confused. And terribly intrigued. 8. 7. 6. You have a great smile. 5. 4. 3. How did I get here? 2. 1.