@onthetortureofthemind - Tumblr Blog

Look. The fact is 5mins on Tumblr is enough to prove to anyone that the world is full of staggeringly beautiful women of all shapes, sizes, creeds, races and demeanours. And that is fucking glorious. Women have been the muse of artists since time immemorial and whilst the media may change the subject matter stays the same. We are enchanted by female beauty.

Vive les femmes!!!

Fuck me I feel bleak

Dragged out of a vivid dream this morning and plunged into bleak reality. Haven't been able to concentrate all day.

The black dog is howling.

There is a Spike Milligan poem about his daughter and it contains the lines

"...after, "Daddy I love you all the world"

Is that all there is, "Goodbye" ?"

And it haunts me.

And just like that 5 years have flown away. 5 years of longing for her.

And the heartache is less but she's still a ghost in my soul. Every day.

V has been belligerent and angry lately. Venting her frustrations at work on me. We argued on Tuesday. I finally snapped back at her. She makes such unnecessary, vicious comments and despite me calmly addressing it on Monday night (after her snapping at me Monday morning) she started again over breakfast.

Last night she didn't want to message more than a "hello" or a "good thanks" in reply to my enquiries. And then went to bed disgruntled saying obviously I didn't "want to talk"!

And when I tried to call, rejected the call and instead messaged "I don't want to talk".

I am bloody angry. I am constantly bending over backwards to be supportive and loving. And this is the reward.

*sigh

The quiet has crept in and the blackness closes around me like a starless night sky. I feel melancholic and melodramatic.

I need to distract myself.

I woke up from the most disturbing and vivid dreams.

An old school. A belligerent man. I proposed to P.

And I've spent the day feeling so fucking bleak.

It's pushing 5 years since she left me. I haven't heard a single word from her in 3 years. And it'll 3 years with V come June. And yet, the memories, the golden past haunts me. The scars remind me...

I realised a little while back...

It is our Shadows that fuck. That's why she loves rough, demeaning, dirty-talking fucking and I love to be sadistic and cruel. All the sinister things, all the parts of ourselves we repress, bury in the Shadow, are given free-rein when she gets wet or I get hard, in the bedroom's safe dark or the moment's escape.

Woke up early with V (5.30am to get ready for work) and headed home. Strange dream about her playing on my fears. Got back, had breakfast, and went back to sleep for an hour and a half. Woke from another weird dream, this one involved an old house and drunk people who invaded and wouldn't leave. Like I said, weird.

Woke up from a dream of P. So vivid. And so damning.

Yesterday awoke from a super-vivid dream of rebellion.

My unconscious is screaming at me.

She slips from my mind... and yet I cannot let go. Because it would mean that I have surrendered to this reality. And some absurd part of me still wishes.

I am monstrous

Two dreams of P last night.

In the first I was sent an e-card that was just a montage of her in different scenarios smiling and looking happy. And that somehow revealed that she'd married and had a child.

In the second (later in the night) some other manner of correspondence revealed that she was moving to Thailand.

Once again, my unconscious wants me to learn.

Feeling very low.

Despite a busy start to the year suddenly work has dried up and I'm just hemorrhaging money into the void.

I must have faith that something will turn up - something always does - but right now it's very bleak.

September already.

I have a knawing in my chest. A sense of profound loss and emptiness.

Anxiety is masquerading as depression once again.

Suddenly it all feels empty and futile.

And, of course, I find myself thinking of you. Wondering where you are, how you're doing.

It is just the unfathomable sense of loss that shackles my heart and sometimes it squeezes.

Shake it off... it's time to get on.

I dreamed of P again. That's 3 times over the past couple of weeks. I woke up in a dreadful mood.

V is playing her silly abandonment game (that she always unwittingly plays in the first couple of weeks of her cycle) and that's leaving me feeling taken-for-granted, unappreciated, and unloved. But I also know she'll be overly craving and super clingy next and that irritates me too.

And I end up taking it out on myself. And falling into negative "I'm just a bad person" narratives. It's all very unhealthy.

And work is slow because people are all fucking off on holiday. So I sit at my desk and stare at my screen and contemplate what to do as the year bleeds away around me.

Fuck me I feel miserable today.

It's been a long lonely week. I've had no meetings and she's been distant and snappy (because she just finished her period and this seems to be a habit of hers - but God forbid I call her on it!)

She actually said to me on a call the other night, "I don't feel like talking". If I said that to her there'd be a fucking riot. It's really irritated me.

Ah well... in reality these are tiny stupid things.

Shake it off. Get on with something.

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