OPEN LOVE

[polyamorousmisanthrope]

Three Sure-Fire Ways to Build Trust in Polyamorous Relationships

From: http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2017/10/01/three-sure-fire-ways-to-build-trust-in-polyamorous-relationships/ 

I’ve read a few comments from some people going polyamorous lately — specifically people whose partners are starting new relationships, and I am noticing a trend that is so very easily fixable that I just have to write an article about it.

You see, they agree to something, then they tie themselves in knots to accept things that have nothing to do with what they thought they were agreeing to. They’re upset, feeling bad about themselves for somehow being deficient emotionally and just plain not doing well.

You, the person who has a new relationship? I know you love your partner and you don’t want them to feel this way, so I am going to give you some pointers on how you can build trust and a comfort zone for your partner as you’re enjoying a new partner.

1. Set Expectations Clearly and Specifically

This one can be one of the biggest problems. Let’s say you’ve got a date and you’re looking forward to it. You’re going to be going out on Friday evening and coming back Saturday morning, so you say so.

Now, lemme ask something: Are you leaving at 5 in the evening right after work on Friday and coming back at 11:59 on Saturday only to be shocked to find an anxious and upset partner?

You might feel indignant about it. You didn’t lie. Technically, you were correct, and you certainly did what you said you were going to do. So why is your partner upset?

“I’m going to go on a date Friday evening and come back Saturday morning,” is crap for setting an expectation when someone is new to polyamory, it really is. “I’m going on a date after work and am going to be coming back close to Noon on Saturday” is saying the same thing you intended, but is much, much more accurate.

Clear expectations are sure to make your partner feel more comfortable.

2. Be Present When You’re with Your Partner

If you’re physically with your partner and texting your New Love, your partner is not going to feel very valued. If you are giving your time to a partner, you need to be fully present during that period. If you’re not intending to give that time, be clear about that, too.

It’s not that you can’t have time to yourself or that you shouldn’t need it if you’re polyamorous. I’m writing this article right now in the living room of a hotel suite while my husband is reading comic books. But when we went out for coffee, our phones stayed in our pockets, and we were talking to each other.

A former boyfriend of mine once commented that since time is all he has (it’s all any of us have) that when he is spending time with a partner, he feels like it is a personal gift of himself. I still remember those lunchtime coffee dates and long walks with great fondness because he was REALLY THERE when we were together.

Don’t just do that for your new loves. Do that for the old ones, too.

3. Only agree to what you intend to follow through on

It’s quite natural when confronted with someone who is upset to want to say something to soothe them down as soon as possible. I get it. You’re a kind person, and you hate to see someone hurting.

The thing is, this is foolishness.

My husband’s greatest strength and his greatest weakness is the fact that he likes people to be happy and relaxed around him. It comes from a place of love and kindness but can get really screwed up when the focus is on soothing down rather than on being honest.

In fact, it pretty damn near put paid to our relationship when he would agree to things when he perceived me to be upset that he didn’t really want to do or want to follow through on. I could never feel comfortable on the follow through the part.

Yes, we did work it out. But learn from this. Only agree to what you genuinely intend to do.

Doing these three things are perfect for trust-building. Setting expectation well helps the partner relax. Being fully present is an excellent way to show a person that they are deeply valued, and only agreeing to what you fully intend to follow through on means that your partner can have rock-solid trust in you. Not only is this good for polyamorous relationships, but this can also help as a parent, as a friend, and in all your other relationships to let people know they can trust you.

[open--love]

“Holding space means that we are willing to walk alongside another person in whatever journey they’re on without judging them, making them feel inadequate, trying to fix them, or trying to impact the outcome.

Falling in love [becomes] free and effortless.

[There is a] space where it is safe to fall apart. There will be no shame, judgment, blame, and critics. He wouldn’t tell me what to do, but he will offer guidance when I ask for it. When I told him about my [desire to write a] for a book, he smiled while he listened. From his eyes, I saw blessing and encouragement. That was all I needed from him.

When we are filled with happiness and positive energy, we have more to give, and more to hold space for other people in our life.

There are billions of people in this world, but this person chooses to enroll in your life and walk you through whatever journey life takes you. It is brave and beautiful.”

Source

[open--love]

1. Accept the reality that your partner is not you. 2. Be an advocate for your partner's separate reality and potential. 3. Make your relationship a sacred space by removing all negativity. 4. Always honor your partner's boundaries. 5. Practice the Imago Dialogue until it becomes second nature and you can interact spontaneously once again.

Source?

[open--love]

- You can never be truly monogamous because you are in a relationship with yourself, and that relationship carries influence in ways you’d never expect. - The nuclear family is outdated. The trope of two parents and a couple of kids has been reinvented into something revolutionary that benefits all. - What defines romantic relationships isn’t fidelity. A far more compelling value is integrity.

https://www.facebook.com/events/1390479657704116/?acontext={"action_history"%3A"[{\"surface\"%3A\"page\"%2C\"mechanism\"%3A\"page_upcoming_events_card\"%2C\"extra_data\"%3A[]}]"%2C"has_source"%3Atrue}

[open--love]

“Baby, Meet My Lover” by Phony Ppl

“Baby, Meet My Lover” by Phony Ppl definitely has intriguing lyrics.

He says that he’s “Not Gonna Put My Heart In The Hands Of One”, “Can We All Just Get alonG, Respect My Truth”. In the chorus, he introduces his lovers to each other. “We Don't Need No Titles Lets Just Live Life And Be Free” is amazing to hear, as well as “No, I Won't Try To chanGe You But I'd Like To Watch Us Grow”, leaving his partners the choice to “stay or go”, no pressure. He got some great freedom in his relationships going on.

Although what’s really annoying is the whole usual sexist concepts that come with that. Already, just the fact that we’re talking about a guy with multiple girls, never about a girl rocking it with multiple guys, is a typical mainstream way of seeing it. Women objectification such as “I'll Take Two”, as if he was ordering food in a restaurant; “The Motto is Get the Models to Swallow” and “Just Make a Nigga wanna Stick His Beef in Between Them” brings us back to the sad fact that all he sees in these girls as is hot objects here to please his dick...

But hey, there’s good and bad in everything!

Elbee Verse 1: I'm Not Gonna Put My Heart In The Hands Of One The Last Time I Did, The Results Left Me Undone "I Think That She Is The One" I'll Take Two Can We All Just Get alonG Respect My Truth CHORUS Baby, Meet my Lover My Romancer, Undercovers And darlinG.. This Is Sweetheart She's The One Who Makes My... x2 Sheriff Pj Verse 2: Yo, Yo, Check It Out ... Uhh So How You Feel About All That? Still Wonder Why You Went and Got Upset when I Called Back (Enough With Playing Games) Girl Just Check It Im slippin In If You Wet So If You willinG to Accept it Then Girl lets... (Ride If You Wanna) You Know The Motto is Get the Models to Swallow Let Some Of Ya' Friends Follow Ya' Girl Steps Wanna Inspect, The Inject My Peck In Your Vortex Then Sex in Ya' Inner Section Get Neck and Then Call 'Next' Cause she ain't into stressinG at all So Why Don't We Finish This Take and Get Some Extras Involved You Know The Specialty Sauce, Lettuce, the sex-with-me seed buns Just Make a Nigga wanna Stick His Beef in Between Them Now... x3 I Ain't Tryna Talk Let Me See Sum A Lil' Sumn, Sumn, Sum'n See Thats A Threesome! I Wish There was a Way that We Could Freak and Just Be One So Girl Let Me See Um' Get It "See, ummmmm..." Ahhhhhhhh, Ahhhhh, Ahhhh .... Ahhhh x2 Chorus 2: Baby, Meet my Lover My Romancer, Undercovers And darlinG.. This Is Sweetheart She's The One Who Makes My... x2 Elbee Verse 3: We Don't Need No Titles Lets Just Live Life And Be Free I Swear On The Bible Im feelinG Your Frequencies No, I Won't Try To chanGe You But I'd Like To Watch Us Grow I Don't Know If You With It, But I had To Let You Know That... You Can Stay Or Go (stay or Gooooooo) Hate To Say I Told You So... Take Your Time Decide But iii Can't Wait Forever For For My Baby... Chorus 3: Baby, Meet my Lover My Romancer, Undercovers And darlinG.. This Is Sweetheart She's The One Who Makes My... x2

[open--love]

Seven Forms of Non-Monogamy

By Elisabeth A. Sheff Ph.D., CASA, CSE The Polyamorists Next Door

In contemporary US culture, monogamy means two people agreeing to have sex only with each other and no one else. Classical monogamy – a single relationship between people who marry as virgins, remain sexually exclusive their entire lives, and become celibate upon the death of the partner – has been replaced by serial monogamy – a cycle in which people are sexually exclusive with each other for a period of time, break up, and then re-partner in another sexually exclusive relationship with a different person.

Non-monogamies, in contrast, are more diverse and vary by degrees of honesty, sexual openness, importance of rules/structure, and emotional connection. People who have non-monogamous relationships in the United States range from religious practitioners of polygyny involved in Islam or the Fundamentalist Latter Day Saints (Mormons) who are often personally and politically conservative, to practitioners of polyamory or relationship anarchy who tend to be personally and politically liberal or progressive. Especially among the more liberal groups, there is significant overlap with other unconventional subcultures such as Pagans, geeks, gamers, science fiction enthusiasts, and practitioners of BDSM (previously known as sadomasochism, also termed kinky sex or kinksters).

Cheating

Some people see any non-monogamous relationship as adulterous, regardless of whether or not both partners have consented to having sexual interactions outside the committed couple. I argue that transparency matters, and consensual non-monogamy (CNM) is qualitatively different from non-consensual non-monogamy, or cheating. The two relationship categories also have distinctly different outcomes for the people involved: not only do consensual non-monogamists try to tell each other the truth, but this greater communication has real impacts, such as greater rates of STI transmission among non-consensual non-monogamists than among consensual non-monogamists. Many non-monogamists rely on honest communication to negotiate consensual agreements that allow a variety of ways to have multiple partners.

Even though contemporary society agrees that cheating is undesirable, people still do it regularly. Scholars estimate that approximately 20-25 percent of ever-married men and 10-15 percent of ever-married women admit to having an affair at some point in their relationship. Cheating has gotten easier, as technology has expanded opportunities for infidelity by helping us find our old high school crushes on Facebook or casual encounters on Craigslist and OKCupid. Defining cheating can be quite difficult because it may include a wide variety of behaviors that are not directly physical sex, from sending virtual flowers to video chatting on Skype, or a “chaste” lunch date with no physical contact but an emotionally intimate conversation fraught with repressed passion to paid phone sex with a professional.

Polygamy

Alongside (and even predating) monogamy, cultures throughout the world have long practiced polygamy -- a form of marriage consisting of more than two persons. The most common form of multiple partner marriage is polygyny, a marriage of one husband and multiple wives who are each sexually exclusive with the husband. Worldwide, Muslims are those who are most likely to be polygynous, with the highest concentrations of contemporary polygyny in the Middle East and parts of Africa. Polyandry --a marriage of one wife to multiple husbands -- is far more rare, as marriages between one woman and multiple men have received less social, political, and cultural support than have polygynous relationships.

Open

Open relationships are varied enough to be an umbrella term for consensually non-monogamous relationships based on a primary couple who are “open” to sexual contact with others. The most common form of open relationship is that of a married or long-term committed couple that takes on a third (or sometimes fourth or fifth) partner whose involvement and role in the relationship is always secondary. A couple practicing this relationship type might engage in sexual activity with the secondary partner together or separate, or they may each have independent outside relationships with different secondary partners—regardless of the specific parameters, the primary couple always remains a priority. Generally rooted in specific rules, expectations, and communication between those involved, open relationships may take a variety of forms and may evolve over time as needed to meet the needs of those persons involved. Swinging, monogamish, polyamorous/polyfidelitous, and anarchistic relationships can all be considered “open.”

Swinging

Among recognized or intentional forms of non-monogamy, swinging is the best known and most popular. Most broadly, swinging involves committed couples consensually exchanging partners specifically for sexual purposes. It is tremendously diverse, ranging from brief interactions between or among strangers at sex parties or clubs, to groups of friends who know each other and socialize for many years. Begun as the practice of “wife swapping” among US Air Force pilots after World War II, swinging has spread across the globe and become quite popular on the Internet. Generally a heterosexually-focused sub-culture, swingers have a reputation for being much more open to “girl on girl” same-sex interaction but often explicitly reject sexual contact between men at swing clubs or parties.

Monogamish

Popularized within the last few years by Dan Savage, monogamish relationships are those in which a couple is primarily monogamous but allows varying degrees of sexual contact with others. As with other non-monogamies, rules structuring these external sexual contacts vary by couple: Some allow only one-night stands (no second time with the same person) or only specific kinds of sexual activity (ie. kissing and groping are OK but no intercourse) and others have time (no more than a week) or location limitations (only when people are traveling or not at home).

Polyamory and Polyfidelity

Polyamory is a relationship style that allows people to openly conduct multiple sexual and/or romantic relationships simultaneously, ideally with the knowledge and consent of all involved in or affected by the relationships. Polyfidelity is similar except that it is a closed relationship style that requires sexual and emotional fidelity to an intimate group that is larger than two. Polyaffective relationships are emotionally intimate, non-sexual connections among people connected by a polyamorous relationship, such as two heterosexual men who are both in sexual relationships with the same women and have co-spousal or brother-like relationships with each other.

Relationship Anarchy

Given the anarchist nature of this relationship philosophy, it is difficult to pin down an exact definition of relationship anarchy (RA), but two themes appear regularly in the writings of people who discuss it. First, relational anarchists are often highly critical of conventional cultural standards that prioritize romantic and sex-based relationships over non-sexual or non-romantic relationships. Instead, RA seeks to eliminate specific distinctions between or hierarchical valuations of friendships versus love-based relationships, so that love-based relationships are no more valuable than are platonic friendships. Each relationship is unique and can evolve as participants require; if conflict arises, people deal with the issues or the relationship comes to an end. Because love is abundant, people can have many concurrent meaningful and loving relationships that are not limited to the couple format.

Second, another important theme within RA is the resistance to placing demands or expectations on the people involved in a relationship. Whereas swingers and polyamorists often create specific rules and guidelines to structure their relationships, RA rejects such rules as inevitably leading to a hierarchical valuation of some partners over others. In RA, no one should have to give anything up or compromise in order to sustain a relationship; rather, it is better to amicably separate than to sustain an unhappy and unfulfilling relationship.

[open--love]

Jealousy and Compersion with Multiple Partners

By Elisabeth A. Sheff Ph.D., CASA, CSE The Polyamorists Next Door

From The Lives of the Rich and Famous to Real Housewives of Atlanta, mainstream culture in the US is saturated with jealousy. Popular images of romance cast jealousy as an emblem of true love, because someone must really care if they are jealous, right? The flip side of jealousy, compersion or the warm glow of happiness that comes when one’s lover is happy with one of their other lovers, is so little know that the polyamorists had to make up a word for it.

The majority of polyamorists (and a significant number of serial monogamists) experience jealousy at some point in their relationships. Polys have four primary responses to jealousy, frequently moving among them and combining them so that they can go from freaking out to introspection, through compersion, and back to freaking out again in the same evening.

Freak Out and Want to Control Others

Often, especially when initially exploring polyamory, people who experience jealousy get extremely upset and feel threatened. This feeling of threat can spur the jealous person to want to control others, which often results in a slew of rules that limit how/when/where/who their partners can see, and what/when/how/where they can do/say/think with other people. The idea behind the rules is usually that, if they can arrange things just right and the rules are followed to the T, then no one will feel jealous because the feelings of jealousy will either go away, or situations will be controlled to the point that they no longer provoke jealousy. Usually that doesn’t work, though, and people still experience jealousy, so the rules have to be rewritten to include the new situation that provoked jealousy and new rules about how to interact with others so jealousy will not appear. This strategy often results in an ever-growing list of rules that governs ever-shrinking and circumscribed relationships. Sometimes polys who feel the desire to control others recognize it as a booby trap and talk about it instead of actually trying to do it.

Discussion, Introspection, and Negotiation

Another way people deal with jealousy is to discuss it with their lovers and lover’s lovers or paramours (sometimes called other significant others or OSOs). Speaking openly of jealousy can help to defuse the charge around the situation, and partners can respond by offering reassurances of lasting love and demonstrating appreciation. Practiced polyamorists talk about focusing on the emotions that are underlying the jealousy, often insecurity or fear of loss. By facing those fears directly, polys are able to address the issues head on instead of allowing them to run the show from behind the scenes.

Negotiating the situational and practical elements of the relationship can go a long way towards alleviating jealousy: If one partner is constantly staying home with the kids eating macaroni and cheese when the other is out on dates eating steak and dancing until 3am, it is bound to create jealousy and resentment. By making sure that everyone is getting personal time equitably (regardless of if they are dating or not), and equally distributing fun, money, and work, polys can forestall many of the situations that could provoke jealousy before they even become problems, or address them once they have been identified as problematic.

Anticipate and Overcompensate for NRE

New Relationship Energy, or NRE, is the effervescent feeling that accompanies new love. The rush of new love makes everything associated with that person glow with the brilliance of infatuation and the fun of spontaneity. In contrast, long-standing relationships can seem boring or simply get overshadowed by the brilliance of the NRE. Practiced polys take several steps to overcompensate for NRE, such as making sure to spend time and attention on longer-term relationships as well, being aware of and acknowledging the narcotic effects of NRE, and avoiding making any big life decisions when in the grips of NRE.

Compersion

Compersion is the flip side of jealousy, or the glee of seeing one’s lover falling in love with someone else. Polys who experience compersion liken it to being happy that their partner got a part in a local theater production or was chosen employee of the month – it does not affect the person directly, but they are still happy to see their partner happy and having good things happen, regardless of the nature of those good things. If something brings joy to your partner, then it makes you happy. Practiced polys act in compersive ways like vacating the large bedroom for their partner to host a visiting lover, taking care of kids so their partners can go on dates, and treating their paramours kindly.

It is important to note that compersion must be authentic to truly work. Feigning compersion with forced cheerfulness in the face of pain will only go so far. Talking about discomfort early and often tends to be a far better strategy than “fake it till you make it,” which more often leads to explosion and disaster.

Lack of Jealousy?

A few of the polys in my study reported that not only did they did not feel jealousy, they didn’t really even understand it on a visceral level. They generally related their lack of a jealousy response to either never having learned to be jealous as a child, or to being polyamorous by sexual orientation: Either their upbringing did not emphasize jealousy, or they were not “wired” for jealousy or monogamy. In some cases people’s assertions that they did not experience jealousy seemed a bit too blithe and smacked of superiority to those jealous monogamists and cheaters. In other cases, however, I witnessed people responding with compersion to situations that could have easily provoked jealousy instead. At one poly campout I attended, a man with several lovers spent the first night in the tent with his wife and then spent every other night with a different woman in a different tent. In a situation that could reasonably provoke jealousy, the woman did not appear jealous at all.

On the last night of the campout I finally asked her how she felt about her husband’s absence from their tent. She responded that she was an introvert and liked the space to herself, she got enough attention from him (and others) at different times to meet her needs, and she did not “need to keep him in my back pocket all the time to know he loves me.” Importantly, she emphasized the fact that her needs were getting met on the broader level. Because she felt loved, considered, and safe, she could relax and be comfortable with his camp-ground roving. While jealousy was not an issue for the camping woman and some others, in most polyamorous relationships it comes up at least occasionally and people simply learn to deal with it.

[open--love]

The short instructional manifesto for relationship anarchy

Author: Andie Nordgren

This is a new translation/adaptation to English of a relationship anarchy pamphlet by me, Andie Nordgren, published in Swedish as “Relationsanarki i 8 punkter” by Interacting Arts in 2006. More in Swedish on http://www.andie.se — a website I ran actively between 2004 and 2008, where relationship anarchy was defined and explored by myself and others.

Love is abundant, and every relationship is unique Relationship anarchy questions the idea that love is a limited resource that can only be real if restricted to a couple. You have capacity to love more than one person, and one relationship and the love felt for that person does not diminish love felt for another. Don’t rank and compare people and relationships — cherish the individual and your connection to them. One person in your life does not need to be named primary for the relationship to be real. Each relationship is independent, and a relationship between autonomous individuals.

Love and respect instead of entitlement Deciding to not base a relationship on a foundation of entitlement is about respecting others’ independence and self-determination. Your feelings for a person or your history together does not make you entitled to command and control a partner to comply with what is considered normal to do in a relationship. Explore how you can engage without stepping over boundaries and personal beliefs. Rather than looking for compromises in every situation, let loved ones choose paths that keep their integrity intact, without letting this mean a crisis for the relationship. Staying away from entitlement and demands is the only way to be sure that you are in a relationship that is truly mutual. Love is not more “real” when people compromise for each other because it’s part of what’s expected.

Find your core set of relationship values How do you wish to be treated by others? What are your basic boundaries and expectations on all relationships? What kind of people would you like to spend your life with, and how would you like your relationships to work? Find your core set of values and use it for all relationships. Don’t make special rules and exceptions as a way to show people you love them “for real”.

Heterosexism is rampant and out there, but don’t let fear lead you Remember that there is a very powerful normative system in play that dictates what real love is, and how people should live. Many will question you and the validity of your relationships when you don’t follow these norms. Work with the people you love to find escapes and tricks to counter the worst of the problematic norms. Find positive counter spells and don’t let fear drive your relationships.

Build for the lovely unexpected Being free to be spontaneous — to express oneself without fear of punishments or a sense of burdened “shoulds” — is what gives life to relationships based on relationship anarchy. Organize based on a wish to meet and explore each other — not on duties and demands and disappointment when they are not met.

Fake it til’ you make it Sometimes it can feel like you need to be some complete super human to handle all the norm breaking involved in choosing relationships that don’t map to the norm. A great trick is the “fake it til’ you make it” strategy — when you are feeling strong and inspired, think about how you would like to see yourself act. Transform that into some simple guidelines, and stick to them when things are rough. Talk to and seek support from others who challenge norms, and never reproach yourself when the norm pressure gets you into behaviour you didn’t wish for.

Trust is better Choosing to assume that your partner does not wish you harm leads you down a much more positive path than a distrustful approach where you need to be constantly validated by the other person to trust that they are there with you in the relationship. Sometimes people have so much going on inside themselves that there’s just no energy left to reach out and care for others. Create the kind of relationship where withdrawing is both supported and quickly forgiven, and give people lots of chances to talk, explain, see you and be responsible in the relationship. Remember your core values and to take care of yourself though!

Change through communication For most human activities, there is some form of norm in place for how it is supposed to work. If you want to deviate from this pattern, you need to communicate — otherwise things tend to end up just following the norm, as others behave according to it. Communication and joint actions for change is the only way to break away. Radical relationships must have conversation and communication at the heart — not as a state of emergency only brought out to solve “problems”. Communicate in a context of trust. We are so used to people never really saying what they think and feel — that we have to read between the lines and extrapolate to find what they really mean. But such interpretations can only build on previous experiences — usually based on the norms you want to escape. Ask each other about stuff, and be explicit!

Customize your commitments Life would not have much structure or meaning without joining together with other people to achieve things — constructing a life together, raising children, owning a house or growing together through thick and thin. Such endeavors usually need lots of trust and commitment between people to work. Relationship anarchy is not about never committing to anything — it’s about designing your own commitments with the people around you, and freeing them from norms dictating that certain types of commitments are a requirement for love to be real, or that some commitments like raising children or moving in together have to be driven by certain kinds of feelings. Start from scratch and be explicit about what kind of commitments you want to make with other people!

Date: 2006 Source: Retrieved on 14 July 2012 from log.andie.se

[open--love]

The Gift of being Unattached in Relationships

“Real love begins when nothing is expected in return.”  - Thich Nhat Hanh

A healthy relationship doesn’t come by chance, but by choice.

Unattachment in love is truly possible. It isn’t about letting go of anything but rather changing our expectations of what we want from the relationship.

Regardless of how spiritual or evolved we are, relationships challenge our shadow side and point out the work we have to do in order to get past our childhood wounds.

Unattachment in love isn’t about letting go of the person, or even of the love itself.

It has to do with remaining unattached to any expectations or predetermined end result that many use to judge a successful relationship.

It seems that there is a blueprint for relationships that we all are expected to follow. We meet, we kiss, we talk, we spend more time together, we say I love you, we meet families, we move in and then of course a diamond ring will eventually follow.

Yet, that isn’t unattachment in love; rather it’s following a plan—and a rather limited one in my opinion.

In order to work toward unattachment in love—if that is what we are aiming to do—then we first have to work on ourselves and our triggers.

As humans we tend to have a difficult time with loose ends and with undefined or indescribable situations. For many of us, we like to know exactly where we are and what type of situation we are in so then we can play by the comforting corresponding rules.

Yet, we limit the type of love that we engage in.

Loving in a relationship based in unattachment doesn’t mean that we don’t care what the other person does, or that there is no chance for us to get hurt—but it does mean that we love them enough to simply let the relationship speak for itself rather than use customary titles.

When we can change our expectations, our experiences can change.

If we go into a new relationship with someone without any idealized thoughts on what it could become down the road, then we will give ourselves the opportunity for that union to develop organically, instead of forcing it inside the predetermined boundaries we use to define love.

Unattachment in love means that I love you because of the person you are, not because I am expecting you to love me back.

Unattachment in love means that I want to enjoy as many moments as I can with you because there is not a guarantee how long those opportunities will continue.

Unattachment in love is purely the ability to love someone freely. Both people are able to come and go at will, without ever feeling like there is an expectation for a specific set of behaviors or timelines.

The truth is, unattached love is not easy.

In order to truly love someone this way we have to first name and sit with our wounds; our fear of abandonment, rejection and whatever else we have been conditioned, since birth, to expect from a relationship.

Once we can do this work for ourselves—it doesn’t suddenly end, but rather becomes easier to navigate unattachment—we understand that our feelings don’t have to do with the other person, but with ourselves.

One of my wounds is the fear of abandonment, because since childhood I have been conditioned that eventually most men leave. Before I had healed this aspect of my psyche, I would lash out in anxiety and fear at the man in my life, based upon what I thought were his actions.

Yet now, when these same issues arise, I see them for exactly what they are—my reaction is completely different.

I no longer look for someone else to heal me, or to reassure me of their presence in my life, because I can do that for myself.

Regardless of how far this journey has taken me, sometimes I am still triggered—but now, I simply smile when I am because I know that it means I am going to be able to go deeper and evolve to a different level of unattachment.

In unattachment, we don’t let go of the other person—nor do we completely let go of all expectations. To let go implies that we are giving up, which also means we are walking away from the work that can be done on ourselves through our personal relationships.

Unattachment simply means that we are choosing to love in a mindful way. We are showing up for one another when we can. For times when we can’t show up, we are each individually happy.

It means respecting the journey of our partner as much as we do our own, knowing that in unattached love we can’t force anything. There is nothing in this world any of us can do to make someone love us, and there’s also nothing we can do to stop someone from falling in love with us either.

When we can approach love as an offering, regardless whether the beloved accepts or reciprocates it, we bask in the essence of what it truly means to care for another, apart from our own needs and wants.

Unattachment in love means acknowledging our feelings for another, regardless of action, choice or result. This may be the most real type of love.

“Our journey is about being more deeply involved in life, and yet less attached to it.”

- Ram Dass

Author: Kate Rose Editor: Ashleigh Hitchcock Source: Elephant Journal

[open--love]

When you meet that person. A person. One of your soulmates. Let the connection/relationship be what it is. It may be five minutes. Five hours. Five days. Five months. Five years. A lifetime. Let it manifest itself, the way it is meant to. It has an organic destiny. This way if it stays or if it leaves, you will be softer from having been loved this authentically. Souls come into, return, open, and sweep through your life for a myriad of reasons, let them be who and what they are meant.

Nayyirah Waheed

[open--love]

Some of the different kinds of relationships.

[cwote]

dont put too much pressure on yourself. everything will be okay.

[sheisrecovering]

[open--love]

Pourquoi est-ce que je suis en relation libre ?

J'aime la vie J'aime l'amour J'aime le bonheur.

J'aime l'excitation de la première fois ensemble J'aime la tranquillité des années passés ensemble.

J'aime les câlins J'aime la douceur J'aime l'intensité.

J'aime la particularité de chaque personne J'aime comme nos différences se complètent J'aime chaque personne pour ce qu'elle est.

Et chaque personne que j'aime Fait grandir mon amour envers les autres Car je me rends compte de l'énorme chance que j'ai D'être aimée par toutes ces personnes merveilleuses.

Pourquoi enfermer ma liberté, ma capacité de donner tant d'amour au monde ? Si je me prive à une seule personne, elle ne recevra pas plus Que si j'étais libre à cultiver mon amour et mon bonheur.

C'est ici que ma capacité d'aimer et de donner grandisse.