Ore No Sei Da

A Vent Blog I tell no one about.

[orenoseida]

lol this blog has been compromised because I'm dumb

[orenoseida]

Maybe I should make a new one since the autistic men I befriend online don't understand boundries....

[orenoseida]

lol this blog has been compromised because I'm dumb

[thenewguy1984-deactivated202601]

Man it sucks to realize you’re not as important to some people as they are to you.

[orenoseida]

Wow I must be... really hard to love...

[orenoseida]

I'm going to end up alone one day. I need to solidify my relationship to Jesus now so I won't be lonely.

[hometoursandotherstuff]

[orenoseida]

Nice try, it was 2012! Lmao

[mybeautifulchristianjourney]

[orenoseida]

I sent my husband an apology text.

[orenoseida]

I know already. I know I'm not allowed to be angry. I'm not allowed to express annoyance.

I'll do better next time.

[orenoseida]

I got a 2nd interview call back

But it will never be enough

I'll never really make him happy

[orenoseida]

I keep embarrassing myself with this one streamer person. I've given up interacting anywhere he can see me now lol, I'm so fucking annoying. I no longer know how to talk to other human beings and I need to just accept that and back away from public social spaces.

[orenoseida]

If only I had taken my own advice.

I could at least still make fan art.

[orenoseida]

I wish we were a team

I wish I had a partner

I wish we had talks

I wish I was a better, more worthy person

I wish every evil thing my father, and my mother in law said about me wasn't the truth

I wish I didn't see the proof everywhere

[orenoseida]

I wanna feel what other people feel

What I'm SUPPOSED to feel

[orenoseida]

I had a dream about you. We weren't friends but we were being grown up about our friend groups, which consisted of fictional characters, being around eachother.

One of the characters seemed more standoffish than I was expecting towards me so I thought maybe I better leave.

I leaned over your shoulder and I said, "Before I go, I just want to say, back when we were friends, you were right, about everything." You said something like, "you're darn right I was" and asked me a couple of questions. One of them was randomly why my room was messy? It was a weird dream. I pointed out I had undiagnosed ADHD.

When the friend group decided to leave we weaved in and out of various floors of the building before they started turning in to levels of a water park with long slides off them.

My dreams are crazy.

[orenoseida]

You were so motivated to work on yourself when you loved her

You've been with me 23 years and never wanted to work on yourself

but you did with her

and you were never appreciative of my gifts

but you tried to keep the gifts from her

and you pretend you never loved her

[orenoseida]

dont even know why im crying rn

[orenoseida]

What happened?

I got banned by an entire group of str*amers because one of them said I was har*ssing them. I still don't fully understand that specific accusation, but from what I figured out, everyone just thought some of my jokes were weird and some of the random shit I said at like 2am came off as parasocial, but I don't think it was that deep. I think it was 2am and I talk too much without thinking. I think I'm just socially awkward enough to have fucked myself over basically.

I have talked to many famous creative people over the years and never once been accused of this, so it really hurt, but remembering I've managed to maintain those professional relationships for like 15+ years with no problem was a big comforting reminder to myself that I'm not nuts...

[orenoseida]

I keep watching their stuff anyway. Because who cares it's just a show. They don't really know me, I don't really know them.

And then I have to remind myself not to interact with the fandom too much. Or make any fan art. To make sure not to interact directly with any of the streamers on Twitter or anything... to keep a respectful distance. It's like I've been found guilty of a vaguly defined crime, and I had no intention of any wrongdoing, but everyone thinks I did. Why wouldn't they?

[orenoseida]

I wish I felt like you loved me