Living With Myself

I'm a 30-something with severe ADHD and depression who has never had a clean room in their life. I'm trying to fix that.

[organizationally-challenged]

First things first, I am fully aware of the mess and all the things people say about it. Telling me I'm disgusting or that you've lost faith in humanity or anything of the sort helps no one. In other words:

✨Be kind or fuck off✨

As stated in my bio, I have severe ADHD and depression. I am medicated for both but life is still hard. I've had a lot of well-meaning advice either miss the mark or end up making me feel worse about the mess I call a life. But I'm finally in a space that I can take in a variety of advice and parse through it to make it work for me.

My goal here is mostly accountability. I've posted on the UFYH subreddit a couple of times, and while that's been very encouraging, I know this is a very long path ahead of me, and I don't want that to be the only thing my Reddit account is about.

A secondary goal is to share the things I've found that have worked for me, and to share how I've taken some of that well-meaning but useless-feeling advice and morphed it into something that does work for me. Everyone is different and I don't expect anything I say to be a magic cure for anyone, but if even one person comes across this and feels a little less alone, then I think that's pretty neat.

I've never been great at tagging, but here are some I will try to use (subject to change):

#accountability: before and after pics. The main reason I'm here.

#reminders: not advice, and not positive affirmations. Just things to help the mindset.

#ideas and advice: things I've found (sourced when applicable) or come up with or altered that I think are worth sharing

[organizationally-challenged]

So I haven't forgotten about this blog.

I just switched gears a little bit.

I decided a couple months ago that I need to move to a less expensive area where I can hopefully get a bigger place for less money, and then got spurred on again by a rent increase last month.

Technically, I can still afford this place, but barely. So I've been taking my time packing rather than truly focusing on the reorganizing.

I'll make a post explaining my MO for packing and the order I'm doing things in, and then document the way I'm putting things back together after the move. Ultimately, the organization tricks I'm going to be trying will be the same as what I was planning to do in this apartment, the only difference will be starting from scratch instead of trying to do it while tripping over myself.

[organizationally-challenged]

I have too much stuff for this space. I've known that since I moved in here. The problem is there's not much I'm willing to get rid of. All the organization hacks, even the ones that focus on ADHD start by saying purge first. And lots of advice focused on small space either assumes you don't have much, or what you do have is purgeable and easily replaced if necessary. That's not the case here.

Clothes, shoes, old or expired products and food, yes those are things I can purge, and I do need to. Now that I have a bit of space freed up thanks to my panic clean, I will be emptying out my closet, dresser, and shelves and trying things on and only putting things back that I actually wear. But that's only a small piece of what takes up space.

The problem is in my hobby equipment. I am not willing to get rid of my game consoles, my sewing machine, my patterns and fabric, my yarn, my computers, my bakeware, my cookbooks. Those are things that are vital to my hobbies, and some of them are difficult to replace.

My friend described the problem as having too many "garage hobbies and no garage." He elaborated that a garage hobby is one that you maybe don't indulge in everyday, but it's still important to you. Especially the ones with equipment that you may need to take out and put away, hence the term garage hobby.

So what do you do when you have these space consuming hobbies but no space? I'm not sure yet. For right now, my solution has been to box up the things I don't use all the time and put it in a cargo trailer on my parents property. But I don't want to rely on that forever, and I'd like to find some sort of advice I can give to others who may not have that option.

Is there more that I can purge than what I listed above? Yeah, probably. And I do plan on attacking everything with that mindset. But that's a small piece of the problem.

[organizationally-challenged]

I haven't been taking before and after pics because I'm so pressed for time, I'm cleaning before my building manager comes by to check the smoke alarms tomorrow, but I can now completely close my bedroom door, and fully open my front door. And my kitchen is about 3/4 clean (the 1/4 left is hidden from the door, so he'd only see it if he specifically went into the kitchen. My bathroom is spotless.

The living room and my bedroom are still a cluttered mess, but I'm hoping that I can get it all to a point that I can easily pass off as being in the middle of reorganizing and having to bring stuff over here when my parents moved

I also have minimal DOOM boxes. That's been my back up plan, anything that I don't know what to do with but I recognize needs to be taken out of the way goes in a box and then down to my storage locker. This is not a good plan, I know that. But I have told multiple people this plan, people who I both trust to and allow to bother me about that sort of thing. So far I have 2 of them, and probably will have at least 1 more by the time I'm done tonight, probably 2.

[unfuckyourhabitat]

Emergency cleaning: Unfuck your whole house in the shortest time possible

So, your landlord/parent/home inspector/favorite movie star is dropping by, and your place is a disaster. You don’t have much time to clean it up. You’re in emergency mode. Let’s get started.

Don’t panic. Panic leads to fear, fear leads to procrastination, procrastination leads to the dark side. You can do this, but you have to stay calm.

Unlike maintenance cleaning, we’re not looking to completely unfuck one space at a time. Instead, we want to decrease the overall mess in stages, spread evenly across the whole area that we’re concerned about. If you think your home is at Level 10 filth, we want to bring the whole thing down to a Level 9, and then down from there. One really clean spot in an otherwise messy home is not going to be helpful here.

Get prepared. You’ll want to shut the computer down (or turn the modem off if you need your computer to play music). Trust me. Get your music going. Gather up trash bags, your vacuum and mop, some rags or paper towel, sponges, and other cleaning supplies. Use what you have on hand. Don’t get distracted running to the store and spending an hour browsing cleaning supplies. A multi-purpose cleaning concentrate or a jug of vinegar will be just fine.

Breaks are very important. Depending on your time constraints, work in 20/10s (20 minutes working, 10-minute break) or 45/15s. But take breaks because otherwise you’re marathoning, and marathon cleaning is no one’s friend. Keep hydrated, don’t forget to eat, and check in with yourself frequently to make sure you’re physically doing OK.

Make your bed. This will be your home base if you get overwhelmed or need somewhere clear to take a break.

Start with the garbage. Going from room to room, throw out anything that is obvious trash. Once you fill a bag, take it out. Repeat as many times as necessary.

Move on to dishes. Gather the dishes from all over your house and bring them to the kitchen. If you can, start them soaking in a sink of hot, soapy water or start loading the dishwasher. After the dishes are all in one place, spend one 20/10 getting started getting them under control.

Now it’s time for your flat surfaces. Countertops, tables, dresser tops, etc. Clear them off and wipe them down. Don’t get distracted in too much sorting and organizing. We’re in crisis mode here. There will be time to get in-depth once this is all done. The same applies to cabinets and closets. Unless you have reason to believe people will be opening closed doors, leave these alone for now.

Attack the floordrobe and shoe pile. Get your clothes either put away or in the hamper. Start a load of laundry if you need to, but keep in mind that laundry and dishes have three steps: wash, dry, and put it away, goddammit!

Get random stuff up off the floors. If something is trash-worthy, throw it away now rather than just move it around a bunch of times. Otherwise, put stuff where it belongs.

Take another 20/10 or 45/15 to catch up on more dishes, if needed.

Head into the bathroom. Pour some cleaner in the toilet bowl, fill the sink with hot water and cleaner, and either spray the tub and shower with cleaner, or fill the tub up with some hot water and add cleaner and let it soak. Put everything away that’s out and shouldn’t be, clean the mirror, counters, and toilet seat. Sweep or dry mop the floor. Wipe down the sink and tub/shower, and give the toilet bowl a scrub. Mop the floor.

Sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

Vacuum everything you can, and sweep everything you can’t.

Walk outside of your house (don’t lock yourself out, please). Walk back in and see what catches your eye first. Go and deal with that.

If you’re being inspected or your landlord is coming in for repairs, spend time on whatever area they’ll be focusing on.

Give the whole place one more once-over and pay attention to anything you’ve missed so far.

It’s an old trick, but if your place is a little funky-smelling, put a pan of water on the stove on low heat and add some citrus or cinnamon or vanilla. Don’t leave it unattended or forget about it.

Take a shower, put on something clean, and eat something.

You can do this. It’s overwhelming, yes, but it is not impossible. You just need to do it. You have a list. You have directions. You have a whole bunch of Internet strangers who have been there before and who are cheering you on. You can do this, but you need to get started.

Why are you still here? GO. START. NOW.

[organizationally-challenged]

Weirdly I think this one is more helpful to me right now. I know they're pretty much the same information, but this one just feels more reasonable in my head. Things are so bad right now that it is physically impossible to get all the trash in one go, or all the dishes in one go, so I'm going to have to treat it like a cycle. Go through the list and then go back to the beginning, rinse and repeat.

I have tonight, most of the weekend, and Monday night.

[unfuckyourhabitat]

Updated Emergency Cleaning List!

As thanks for the warm (and, at times, hilarious) welcome back, here's an updated, significantly less wordy version of my Emergency Cleaning list. The original will be a decade old in a few months, if you can believe it!

You may need to modify or adjust the steps on this list based on your own situation — it's meant as a general guideline for those who need a little help pushing past the "Where the hell am I supposed to start?" feeling. This is also not meant to be a comprehensive "How to clean your house properly and maintain it forever" guide. It's for those moments when you have to quickly half-ass it because someone is going to be in your space soon and it's a disaster. If you can close some doors and cut some steps from the list, even better. Definitely do that.

(This is one of many checklists and downloadables available on my Patreon, if you're into that sort of thing.)

[organizationally-challenged]

So I realized something after reading the post I just reblogged

Every change I've ever made that has stuck has been about being kind to some part of me.

When I got a key rack and started using it, it wasn't "maybe you'll stop forgetting your keys and badge now," it was "morning me won't have to look for them if they're hung here."

There are others, I'm sure, but that's one thing that I'm still surprised has stuck. Sure some days I forget to hang my keys and badge on it, and the next morning is a bit of a panic, but I went from forgetting my work badge at least once a week to once in six months. I'm still shocked. But if I'm changing my clothes and notice I haven't hung it up, my attitude is always "better put this where morning me will find it." No shame, no guilt about forgetting, just looking out for myself.

So now I'm going to look for other places I can do this. How can I help my future self? How can I be kind to myself? It's hard to like myself, it's hard to be my own friend, but you can still be kind to someone you don't like.

[hexjulia]

thinking about how many people hate doing chores like laundry ironing etc (for themselves! unfairly being expected to take care of everyone else's things is something completely different) and how in attempts to fix the resulting issues (piles of gross stuff etc) it's just framed as another thing to feel bad about not doing, which is not very encouraging under any circumstances -- but if the reason why things keep piling up is something like depression or adhd will make it about 10x as hard, because you likely already feel bad about yourself. And now looking at the piles comes with a lecture about getting your shit together and being an adult at the back of your head.

It's just not effective. It's the wrong reason. You shouldn't be cleaning because you're afraid of being shamed or because you feel guilty. That might work once every few months in a burst of manic chore energy but that's no way to live. The reason why I don't find these things exhausting to do is because it's just things I do to make myself comfortable, and it feels that way. When I'm ironing my clothes I look forward to wearing clean cozy warm clothes. I'm also daydreaming about 20 other things because I do have adhd and I'm maybe listening to an audiobook, but the emotion associated with doing my own laundry is something like ...contentment because I get to decide how exactly I want my clothes to smell and feel. It's largely just a positive emotion. I think the trick is getting yourself to be happy you get to make future you happy. That's a sustainable motivation you don't need shame or guilt for.

Also sometimes it's easy to underestimate how much a "small" sensory issue is making things hard. I hate touching dirty laundry, especially things like wet dishrags. I realised this was what made me want to avoid doing that specific bag of laundry and got some gloves. Now it's fine because I don't have to touch any wet and questionable textures. A lot of these accomodations might feel like overkill + you might not notice how much they bother you/contribute to putting things off until you pay attention and do something about it. If you think the scent bothers you a lot wearing a mask to empty the bin might help remove revulsion re: emptying the bin and so make that easier to motivate yourself into doing just wear one. Yeah it is overkill and not needed. But you don't want to accumulate trash inside because the smell would make you uncomfortable. If the goal is to avoid discomfort you should also eliminate the discomfort of the chore itself insofar possible! If your hands hurt easily from scrubbing things clean see if you can find a more effective cleaning agent or a cheap electric brush. If the sound of the vacuum bothers you even just a little put on headphones. There is no need to make this into some kind of guiltstriken spartan ordeal or only prevent discomfort if it's absolutely necessary for the task.

Chores are going to be a part of your days probably your entire life. It can be a comfortable experience associated with feeling cared for by yourself, feeling in control of how you live, a moment of quiet simple tasks and no deadlines. It doesn't have to feel bad. And if you fail at keeping up you aren't lazy or bad. You're just probably making yourself uncomfortable, but that's not a sin. And you can always change what you do to accomodate your needs.

[naamahdarling]

Important!!! Yes!!! Yes!!!

Like, next time you do the task, observe yourself. Notice where you feel uncomfortable or frustrated. Ask yourself what it is that makes you not want to do it. Address that if you can!

So often, for me, the answer is sensory.

[organizationally-challenged]

Alright so I've alluded to my "plan" for my kitchen a couple of times, but what is this magic plan?

It started from a piece of advice I heard on an episode of Struggle Care, the guest was Clutterbug who went through her archetypes and gave one piece of advice for each. In her archetypes, I'm a butterfly, very visual and struggling to put things in a home, "put away" needs to be as uncomplicated as possible.

The piece of advice given was ditch your dresser. Which I sat with for a few days before accepting. I've done so much over the last year or so to accept that the "normal" way of doing things doesn't work for me, so find alternatives. But this one never occurred to me. Ditch the dresser. It makes sense, opening the drawer is an extra step in the putting away, but I had some hang ups about it that I might get into another time. I finally accepted that if putting away the clothes is the problem then okay, use the shelves for clothes, and maybe use the dresser for something else? The hobbies where putting away the leftovers is part of deciding if I have the time or energy to do it, storing fabric or beads or things like that? I don't know yet, but I did move the clothes to a Kallax unit I already had. So far so good, but I also only just did laundry for the first time since that change yesterday.

This did get me thinking though, what else have I not yet accepted that there is a different way to do things?

I realized a couple weeks ago that the part of doing the dishes that's the struggle is putting the dishes away. Actually standing at the sink washing them is no problem, I almost enjoy it even. So how can I "ditch the dresser" with my dishes? By not putting them in the cupboard.

My kitchen is tiny though. My counters are taken over by my small appliances: the stand mixer, the toaster over, the ice machine. The instant pot lives on top of the fridge but takes forever to make it back after use, so that's on the counter too. Same with the popcorn popper. So we need to do something else with those then. Something that also doesn't require an extra step to put away.

Enter The Plan: im going to look for a hutch or a bakers rack or something similar that I can put in my kitchen instead of the table. I don't really eat at my table, it was a nice idea when I got it, but the reality is the table ends up being a dumping ground and I eat at my desk or on my couch.

The goal is to find something sturdy and heat-resistant enough that the small appliances can live on it (heat resistant for the toaster oven and instant pot.). Then I can move the dishes out of the cupboard and onto the counter. I have some wire racks currently in the cupboard to help add levels between the shelves, those will become the shelves. The cupboard then will be food storage, which I don't have much of now and honestly that's part of the problem too.

I am lucky in all this because I don't have to fully get rid of my table. My parents have offered to store it for me until I'm in a bigger place. Even without that though, I still believe this would be the right thing to try, I would just be a little sad to see the table go.

[organizationally-challenged]

Here's today's goal. Cleaning up my kitchen table.

It looks like a lot, but I had it totally clear not that long ago when I moved the ice maker to it, so I'm hoping it will be a fairly quick task that will make a huge visual impact, which always feels nice. Then I have some organization rearranging I'm planning, but that will probably be its own post.

[organizationally-challenged]

Put the after pic in the wrong place, here it is!

I even changed the table cloth! This is a huge visual difference and I'm very pleased.

As I said before I have a plan here and I think it deserves its own post.

[deepseasmetro]

i just want to say that nobody should ever feel shame for the state of their living space, no matter how unclean or unsanitary it might get. if you're in a situation like this, you know that if it was just so simple as to "take care of it", you would have. nobody is happy or content living in squalor, and you're not less of a person for whatever circumstances have led you to having to live like that. whether is because of mental health, physical health, grief, neurodivergency, lack of time, whatever - you are a person deserving of empathy, respect, and dignity. and an unclean space is never a reason you should be deprived of that.

[organizationally-challenged]

Here's today's goal. Cleaning up my kitchen table.

It looks like a lot, but I had it totally clear not that long ago when I moved the ice maker to it, so I'm hoping it will be a fairly quick task that will make a huge visual impact, which always feels nice. Then I have some organization rearranging I'm planning, but that will probably be its own post.

[organizationally-challenged]

First reminder to myself:

The state of my apartment is morally neutral.

The mess is not a shortcoming or personal failure, I just haven't found what works for me yet. But I have found ways that don't work! That's important too.

I am not a failure or uniquely broken, I am human. I am allowed to be human.