Gender is a wild ride. I came out as some form of nonbinary/genderqueer last year, transitioned my pronouns and signature at work to they/them, and then promptly spiralled into a hyper-fixation about finding my *exact* label...
I discussed with my therapist about how finding a label was like a sort of third-party validation that quelled the imposter feelings and self-doubt. I grappled with being some form of asexual for a few years before finally finding my label under that umbrella, and only then did the constant uncertainty and yo-yo of emotions quiet down. So when I finally entertained the thought that I wasn't cis-gendered, I dove right into the search for a label to validate my feelings and experience... A sort of unbiased datapoint to provide safety and security -> certainty.
... Only I couldn't find one. With my sexuality, I understood split attraction models and could relate to definitions of romantic attraction vs. platonic attraction vs. aesthetic attraction vs. sexual attraction. But with gender I had no fucking clue. I was so confused because my presentation shifts, so am I genderfluid? But I don't feel like a girl or boy so am I nothing? But I don't like stereotypical gender neutral presentation so am I experiencing gender? And how does all this align with feelings of dysphoria or lack there of??
And I couldn't go without. Because I needed proof, you know? A synopsis of some experience or feeling that showed there are others like me and my feelings were distinct from being cis. Because otherwise I can't reject the null hypothesis on anything other than this deep down nagging feeling that cis isn't right, but then what is it ?
I was so frustrated and the longer I clawed in desperation for a label, the father I felt from finding one. Isn't gender just made up? Why do all the definitions talk about an internal sense of identity? Isn't gender just a category, like hair/eye color? My sense of self doesn't have a hair or eye color so how can it possibly have a gender??? Isn't gender just a performance?????
... Until I finally (and ironically) learned that my confusion was due to a few key factors:
1) Gender Identity is not the same as Gender Expression
- we're taught to "express ourselves" outwardly which is great, but this means we also conflate expression with identity and those are separate
- I wasn't separating gender expression from identity, which confounds the process and confused the fuck out of me as I grappled with trying to understand. Thinking only of expression and separating this out, I know I don't follow the "rules" for presentation. So for expression, I am gender non-confirming (huzzah!)
2) Gender Identity is Me in a Void
- in a void, with no pressure, expectation, or consequence and no one to influence or say otherwise.
- in a void, I have no gender. It's just me, no gender. My body has sex characteristics but my mind has no gender and I realize that my dysphoria is actually being reminded that people see me with gender. It's why I like mixed sex/mixed gender spaces, and feel icky when people bring up gender in the context of me (regardless of the tone of the mention). I'm agender, one without gender, and it is in this manner that I am outside of the binary (mind blown).
So after a lot of confusion, and spiralling, and feeling stupid or a wannabe, I finally (and kind of ironically) know my gender label. And the reason I struggled with gender is because at last, through some fucking mental loop-de-loop form of a process of elimination, I learned KNOW that I have no gender... I'm agender. That's my flavor of nonbinary and it finally explains so so much. And I finally understand (after months of trying) that the reason I didn't understand gender fluidity or flux or feeling at all is because I've never felt gender before. Ever. I just opted out from the start, I guess.
I envy those who can move through the world and take or leave labels as they need... as they please... redefine them as they see fit... drop them entirely. I know and understand that labels are only valid so long as they're useful for those using them, that labels don't define us, and that labels can and will contradict in our pursuit to express our nuanced human (and non-human) experiences. And that they're not required, not mandatory, not tangible.
But I live and breathe an experience that owes so much to those who developed the labels that queer folk use to explain and summarize those experiences. It's in those labels that I see the possibilities, that I finally found a way to express my experience, my struggles, my confusion when comparing my life to others around me.
It's crazy how much they matter to me. I look forward to a day when I no longer cling to them for confidence and security. But I am so glad they're out there and that some folk put the time and effort into building them into our language. Because I believe that we develop language in accordance to what we value, to what we see as worthy to spend the time developing specific words to express. And without islands of labels floating around, I'd still be lost.
I am Asexual (Aegosexual), Panromantic, Demiplatonic, Afamilial.
I am Nonbinary (Agender), Gender Non-Conforming.
I am me, still stuck being me lol, but now I have labels with which to find connection and solidarity about the most frustrating and confusing parts of me.
And I'm feeling my mind finally rest and be at peace on this topic, and I'm so happy. So tired, but so so content and happy.
baratheonpilled
2087
s-u-f-j-a-n-s-t-e-v-e-n-s
titsay
