“ You have so much love to give” - He said
Sure. I had so much love to give because all my energy was sucked away into caring for you. You and every boyfriend prior to you. I don’t know who I am anymore. For the last 10 years of my life I have never truly ever been alone. I always had at least one romantic interest in the times between serious relationships.Now I realize that throughout every relationship I’ve ever been, My personality conformed around them, who they were, what they enjoyed doing, basically anything that made their wheels turn I was right there behind them pressing the gas pedal.
After reading an article the other week it stated ” start doing things you enjoyed doing before you were in a relationship.”What’s sad is that I don’t know what I enjoyed doing. That means I would have to go back to when I was 15 years old. Besides going through the awkward moments in life at the age, I didn’t really do much except take pictures and listen to screamo bands. I know I enjoy taking pictures but that’s not something I really enjoy doing in my area now. I would have to travel a ways away to find a somewhat decent area and actually have fun with it.
You showed me how to live life with my barriers down, exposing my vulnerable self all in your charming trust. I was able to experience the highest of highs with pure happiness. Your soul, your energy, fed mine in such an immense way. We had what I thought was pure trust, and love. Even though it was only a year and a half, my heart was bursting with love and happiness every single day.
Then you broke me. Completely blindsided me out of no where. Shattered. Sept 11th you made us completely unofficial. Your reasoning? Distance. You were never able to give me the closure I needed. You knew the distance was always there when you first met me. I guess the reasoning really is irrelevant but it’s still in my mind. I’m not sure If I ever really was appreciated by you.
This is by far the hardest break up I have ever gone through. Every. Fucking. Day. I am thinking about you. There isn’t an hour in my mind where you haven’t been thought of. Even though I know you’ve moved on now and have replaced me with a few people. I’m still not able to just let go and say “ fuck you, I deserve better.” . You literally were every ounce of perfect. You knew exactly what to say to me at any moment. You “cared”, You respected me, You motivated me, You made me feel beautiful , I for once was starting to feel a sense of independence and self identity. But just like that, you literally destroyed every ounce of all of that. You were able to just leave me and never talk to me again. Like I was absolutely nothing to you in your life.
Anyway. This is going to be my personal blog where I will try to see what makes my own wheels go. I will learn to be selfish, love myself, and enjoy things in life because I, myself, enjoy them. I will post a lot of rants. I will post pictures I will feel beautiful, sexy, silly in. Feel free to enjoy it.
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