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âYou make me happy,â he quickly chimes in, unable to let the comment go without making something clear. He brings a hand up to stroke the cheek of a man who doesnât deserve the pain heâs so clearly feeling. The pain Colton inflicted. He had been a fool for thinking that love was enough to shield Ajani from the inevitable, being sucked into the black hole of Coltonâs chaos. How could he ever forgive himself for this?Â
âThis isnât about that, about what makes me happy. If it was, I wouldnât be doing this.â If it was, Iâd be with you. âThis is just something I need to do by myself right now. I need to stop fucking around and focus everything on getting better.â Colton couldnât shake the image of them in ruins because he was too selfish to let go. The truth, that he could see now but was unwilling to before, is that Ajani was always going to get caught in the crossfire of the war in Coltonâs mind. It doesnât matter how much he loves him.Â
Colton doesnât know at what point he started crying, but it suddenly becomes evident to him that he is when, for just a moment, he finds it hard to catch his breath. Heâs suddenly aware of the salt streaming from his eyes and shakes his head at himself, wishing he was stronger. Ajani always deserved better.
âI think this is something we need.â He wipes his face, a mixed success at cleaning himself up. He does the same for Ajani, fingers brushing away evidence of Coltonâs broken promise. The kiss that follows is his heart taking the reins. âI love you.â As if that will make a difference. âI love you.â Another kiss, another meaningless phrase. Theyâre the only words he can muster up. âI love you.â Heâs a broken record, skipping and skipping and skipping. âI love you.â
For every second Ajani had spent earlier, adamant that he was too strong to look down from Colton and their reality, he spends one now refusing to look back up. His clouded vision finds itself fixed on a spot of bare skin by Coltonâs hip, raised in a small scar that Ajani himself had inadvertently caused months ago during a play fighting mishap in their kitchen. Quickly slipping away from him is the image of Coltonâs cheeky smirk at the time, insisting he was never going to let this one go. In its place, the knowledge alone that Colton is shedding tears right alongside him is beginning to burn holes in the brightness that the thought of them usually brings.Â
Ajani barely hears Coltonâs insistence that their relationship makes him happy over the sound of his own choked up sob but he still nods, because what is he if not understanding? What is he if not susceptible to the instinct to lean into Coltonâs touch? The implication that Colton has been âfucking aroundâ all this time isnât one that Ajani can dwell on for long amid his seas of overanalyzed and hypercritical thoughts. Instead he nods again, leaning into the gesture that allows Coltonâs hand to brush his cheek just a little more.Â
The insistence that this is whatâs best for both of them sparks an unexpected restlessness in Ajani and for the briefest of moments he wants to argue. Coltonâs fingers burn on his skin in places where theyâre meant to soothe, and at the tip of Ajaniâs tongue sits his own insistence that he doesnât need this. He doesn't need to have his heart broken or the hope stolen out of his chest. He doesnât need them to be apart, he doesn't need any of that, he just needsâŚhe needsâŚ
The first kiss renders Ajani breathless, as though they werenât doing this and more earlier. But things were different then, their eyes, their words, their kisses different. They were together then, they were going to spend the rest of their lives together then. Ajani didnât hesitate to return I love yous then. He just needsâŚ
The second kiss begins to melt the firmness that Ajani had committed to focusing that hip scar. His chin chases the right tilt so he can fit properly against Coltonâs reckless mouth. Perhaps if it was busy it wouldnât continue making Ajaniâs silence so damning. He collides into the next kiss, meeting it halfway to blur the sound in his throat, so different from the ones that involuntarily left him before. And the fourth kiss is just a hyphen to the last, an extension that Ajani canât bring himself to let go of.
And when the dampness between their cheeks and the taste of it between their tongues brings his stomach to a rolling boil, Ajani suddenly circles his arms around Coltonâs neck. He pulls his body close to the other manâs, straddling Coltonâs lap in a way he has so many times before. But now heâs interrupted their frenzied kisses so he can press his bare chest to Coltonâs and feel their hearts beat in tandem one more time. So he can hook his chin over the olderâs shoulder and finally be free of his eyes. Now more than ever, his frame feels so very small in Coltonâs hold as he shudders away the tears, fighting to maintain what will remain of him after tonight.Â
God, he doesnât need this. Not after everything heâs overcome to grow into the man he was when he met Colton. Not after learning to love his own smile and accept that others can love it too. He doesnât need to feel himself sinking back into that muddled place of lovelessness he called home before. He doesnât. God, what he needs isâŚ
Ajani stills the tremble in his fingertips with a deep inhale. And as he exhales a cooling breath, he drags his touch lightly up the back of Coltonâs neck. His lips, still salty to the taste, lower to Coltonâs naked shoulder, pressing hotly against his skin once, twice, tracking their way up towards the manâs throat. He feels something sharp twinging inside of himself to swipe his tongue against Coltonâs pulse and his other hand, eager to join in being even a little more elated in this moment, begins caressing at Colton scarred hip. Itâs easier to picture his cheeky smirk now. Feeling that the only thing that can cure his breathlessness now will be the oxygen straight from Coltonâs lungs, Ajani moves his mouth up the manâs jaw. And as he begs for permission by the corner of his loverâs lips, Ajani intentionally pulls his body ever closer, ever warmer, ever longingly to the other man.Â
He just needs Colton.











