tmrfrank:
“You make me happy,” he quickly chimes in, unable to let the comment go without making something clear. He brings a hand up to stroke the cheek of a man who doesn’t deserve the pain he’s so clearly feeling. The pain Colton inflicted. He had been a fool for thinking that love was enough to shield Ajani from the inevitable, being sucked into the black hole of Colton’s chaos. How could he ever forgive himself for this?
“This isn’t about that, about what makes me happy. If it was, I wouldn’t be doing this.” If it was, I’d be with you. “This is just something I need to do by myself right now. I need to stop fucking around and focus everything on getting better.” Colton couldn’t shake the image of them in ruins because he was too selfish to let go. The truth, that he could see now but was unwilling to before, is that Ajani was always going to get caught in the crossfire of the war in Colton’s mind. It doesn’t matter how much he loves him.
Colton doesn’t know at what point he started crying, but it suddenly becomes evident to him that he is when, for just a moment, he finds it hard to catch his breath. He’s suddenly aware of the salt streaming from his eyes and shakes his head at himself, wishing he was stronger. Ajani always deserved better.
“I think this is something we need.” He wipes his face, a mixed success at cleaning himself up. He does the same for Ajani, fingers brushing away evidence of Colton’s broken promise. The kiss that follows is his heart taking the reins. “I love you.” As if that will make a difference. “I love you.” Another kiss, another meaningless phrase. They’re the only words he can muster up. “I love you.” He’s a broken record, skipping and skipping and skipping. “I love you.”
For every second Ajani had spent earlier, adamant that he was too strong to look down from Colton and their reality, he spends one now refusing to look back up. His clouded vision finds itself fixed on a spot of bare skin by Colton’s hip, raised in a small scar that Ajani himself had inadvertently caused months ago during a play fighting mishap in their kitchen. Quickly slipping away from him is the image of Colton’s cheeky smirk at the time, insisting he was never going to let this one go. In its place, the knowledge alone that Colton is shedding tears right alongside him is beginning to burn holes in the brightness that the thought of them usually brings.
Ajani barely hears Colton’s insistence that their relationship makes him happy over the sound of his own choked up sob but he still nods, because what is he if not understanding? What is he if not susceptible to the instinct to lean into Colton’s touch? The implication that Colton has been “fucking around” all this time isn’t one that Ajani can dwell on for long amid his seas of overanalyzed and hypercritical thoughts. Instead he nods again, leaning into the gesture that allows Colton’s hand to brush his cheek just a little more.
The insistence that this is what’s best for both of them sparks an unexpected restlessness in Ajani and for the briefest of moments he wants to argue. Colton’s fingers burn on his skin in places where they’re meant to soothe, and at the tip of Ajani’s tongue sits his own insistence that he doesn’t need this. He doesn't need to have his heart broken or the hope stolen out of his chest. He doesn’t need them to be apart, he doesn't need any of that, he just needs…he needs…
The first kiss renders Ajani breathless, as though they weren’t doing this and more earlier. But things were different then, their eyes, their words, their kisses different. They were together then, they were going to spend the rest of their lives together then. Ajani didn’t hesitate to return I love yous then. He just needs…
The second kiss begins to melt the firmness that Ajani had committed to focusing that hip scar. His chin chases the right tilt so he can fit properly against Colton’s reckless mouth. Perhaps if it was busy it wouldn’t continue making Ajani’s silence so damning. He collides into the next kiss, meeting it halfway to blur the sound in his throat, so different from the ones that involuntarily left him before. And the fourth kiss is just a hyphen to the last, an extension that Ajani can’t bring himself to let go of.
And when the dampness between their cheeks and the taste of it between their tongues brings his stomach to a rolling boil, Ajani suddenly circles his arms around Colton’s neck. He pulls his body close to the other man’s, straddling Colton’s lap in a way he has so many times before. But now he’s interrupted their frenzied kisses so he can press his bare chest to Colton’s and feel their hearts beat in tandem one more time. So he can hook his chin over the older’s shoulder and finally be free of his eyes. Now more than ever, his frame feels so very small in Colton’s hold as he shudders away the tears, fighting to maintain what will remain of him after tonight.
God, he doesn’t need this. Not after everything he’s overcome to grow into the man he was when he met Colton. Not after learning to love his own smile and accept that others can love it too. He doesn’t need to feel himself sinking back into that muddled place of lovelessness he called home before. He doesn’t. God, what he needs is…
Ajani stills the tremble in his fingertips with a deep inhale. And as he exhales a cooling breath, he drags his touch lightly up the back of Colton’s neck. His lips, still salty to the taste, lower to Colton’s naked shoulder, pressing hotly against his skin once, twice, tracking their way up towards the man’s throat. He feels something sharp twinging inside of himself to swipe his tongue against Colton’s pulse and his other hand, eager to join in being even a little more elated in this moment, begins caressing at Colton scarred hip. It’s easier to picture his cheeky smirk now. Feeling that the only thing that can cure his breathlessness now will be the oxygen straight from Colton’s lungs, Ajani moves his mouth up the man’s jaw. And as he begs for permission by the corner of his lover’s lips, Ajani intentionally pulls his body ever closer, ever warmer, ever longingly to the other man.
He just needs Colton.
















