What a beautiful soul you are. Your energy and integration of understanding and love balanced with the journey you travel is inspiring and so necessary. Thank you for sharing and bringing your light to others.

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@otterenergy1962
What a beautiful soul you are. Your energy and integration of understanding and love balanced with the journey you travel is inspiring and so necessary. Thank you for sharing and bringing your light to others.
Starting Something New - Giving My Life a Facelift
Life has a way of getting in your way of intentions. I haven’t posted on my blog for some time now.
I’ve been very busy with self-publishing my novel: Life-Line: Origins. As I write this, it is still in progress. There will soon be a proper webpage, FaceBook Page and Instagram as well.
My life has been full of many other things such as teaching my grade six class, expanding my gardens, and travelling to see good friends in Provincetown, Pasadena, Fresno, Seattle, Oakland and Fresno. I’ve begun to experiment more in my cooking too.
Life has been good, but there have been some downers such as a chest injury that may require surgery and getting rid of a COVID belly. I lost my dog, Parker in 2020 and my cat, Miss Suki in June 2022. I’ve lost a couple of friends to cancer, which affects me a lot due to being a cancer survivor. I’ve walked away from several toxic relationships, including one that now prevents me from pursuing Dungeons and Dragons with a group of friends that I really enjoyed. Another downer has been my passion for teaching. It really declined this past school year.
In spite of this, I have been working on still raising my energetic attraction. I’ve expanded my network of friends in Nova Scotia. I have been going to a first-of-the-month gay social too. I am breaking down the wall of isolation and shyness by stepping out of my comfort zone. Finally, I am still seeing the difference between loneliness and being alone.
So, why am I writing this blog? Well, I’ve been experiencing a few new phenomena: getting older, becoming more invisible in the gay world and getting through a few injuries that I mentioned earlier. The chest injury has really woken me up to how fragile my body really is. Other examples are a small carcinoma in my ear that I had to have removed and having my post-cancer belly button pushed back in. They’ve all left scars and I’ve come to realize that there are other scars needing attention: emotional ones.
There is the sticky business of aging. There is a lot of work to address about changes in my body, my mind and my desires. There is a retirement to consider. There is a possibility that I may meet someone with whom I wanted to settle. There could quite possibly be no one in my future. Who knows?
Anyway, I’ve been maintaining my higher levels of energy and succeeding. There are always pitfalls and successes too.
As I close off this blog for now (who’s to say that I won’t post again) I want to mention my other blog about fighting cancer which can be found at: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/otter1962crystalball. That blog has sat without an entry for a while. It does give me a sense of what I did during that self-discovery time during COVID as I search for the inner me.
Now, I am starting a new blog about dealing with my age, my health, my goals and above all, my passions. Please check it out at: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/otter1962crystalball
Carpe diem my friends!
Turning the Tables on Limiting Beliefs
During my course with Dr. Audrey Sussman, I was asked to look at my limiting beliefs. This is something with which I am very familiar as I have been doing the same in Energetic Attraction Coaching with Gay Men Thriving. What I’ve found in naming all of these limiting beliefs is an opportunity to reprogram my beliefs into something positive. This will, without a doubt, raise my energetic attraction.
Here are my limiting beliefs as of today. I’ve worked with them for the past year. What is different this time is that I actually believe that I can leave them behind. So, Dr. Audrey suggested giving more than one alternative to a limiting belief. So, I did two for each. I have no doubt that it I thought more, I could find more. What I am doing is preparing myself to reprogram the doubt and fear inside me to positive outlooks.
That I am broken and dysfunctional.
I am fine the way that I am and that I have so much to offer someone.
I am a wonderful man who has his act together.
I can’t break free of the shame I have about money.
I work hard to earn my money and I use it as wisely as I can.
I am grateful for all the money that I have and I can get hard times as easily as easy times.
I feel the need to compare myself to others and I usually don’t measure up.
I am only in competition with myself and that is to only better myself as often as possible.
I have clarity about where I am going and what I want to do. I will move forward in an authentic manner that best suits me.
I am not good enough to do the things that I love like writing, drawing, painting and teaching.
I am a creative man who loves to take the time to be willing to do the art forms that mean the most to me.
Any time that I want to be creative, I can take the risk to do so and realize that the most important person in this choice is me.
I’m never going to succeed, there are too many barriers to get around.
I am a strong man who has climbed over many a barrier and has always kept moving forward.
I can succeed in many things. I see a barrier as a challenge to overcome. I do this with total belief in myself.
I’m never going to meet someone who will love me for who I am.
I will be open to meeting a man that will love me for who I am.
I will meet the man of my dreams who loves me for all of me.
Sex is bad because my family swept it all under the rug.
I am a creatively sexual man who is comfortable in his sexual skin and not afraid to express himself.
I know that sex is a part of who I am and that there is no need for shame.
If you don’t save money you will not succeed.
I can’t take it with me so I may as well enjoy my life while I am here on this Earth.
I am a success with money. I do the best that I can with what I have.
You’re selfish if you put yourself first instead of others.
I know that as a caregiver that I need to take care of myself first in order to better take care of others.
It is my role in life to care for others and I understand that I have to take care of myself first. Life is so much better when I am first!
I’ll never save enough money to retire.
I can’t take it with me. I’m going to enjoy my life and I am more than capable of saving for my future.
I am responsible with my money. I also feel that I have the right to do some enjoyable things for myself.
Men only want me for sex.
If I am truly seeking someone who wants more than just sex from me, then I need to truly believe that I am worth it.
If I am more than my sexual sum and remain true to who I am, then those who only want sex are not on my list. I am worth more.
The next step is to test the alternatives! This ought to be interesting!
I am going to succeed. There will be stumbles and falls but I will always move forward and better myself. I am worthy. I am good. I am an amazing man that another will find reason to get to know. I will have the strength to weed out the outliers in my database of self worth.
Carpe diem!
Overcoming anger by digging deep
A comic book look at my latest dealings with my inner energy.
I do hope that the use of a beautiful song’s lyrics doesn’t create copyright issues! Thank you Seann and Gary for being my backup dancers! Your support is appreciated and I love you both very much!
Setting Powerful Anchors
I’ve discovered that there are three ways to stop the stress, anxiety and worry:
Body-Mind: Breathing techniques that change bodily reactions.
Mind-Body: Cognitive tools to stop negative thoughts that add to worry.
Subconscious: Emotional tools that reprogram the subconscious (unconscious) programs that were set into neurology because of core wounds from childhood.
Now that I’ve established several methods of breathing for the body-mind and have developed an anchor for my subconscious, I am better equipped to help reduce stress in my life. It seems though, that I need to practice and set the anchor in my mind so that when I touch my thumb and forefinger together, I access the memory anchor that I have set. I’ve mentioned in a previous blog about my image when I was 13 years old where I was walking in the woods early in the morning during a spring… The memory holds all five senses for me.
First, I find a quiet place to sit or lie down. I think of a number between 0 and 10 to determine my level of stress or anxiety. I know that 0 is calm and 10 is a nuclear stress meltdown. I then close my eyes and breathe. I like the looking above the eye-line technique where you look at a point above your direct eye level. As I breathe in I look at that point. When I breathe out, I close my eyes. I repeat this 4-5 times. At any point during these breathing sequence, I can touch my thumb to my forefinger and go to my memory anchor and feel my five senses that I felt when I was actually there. I know that the more I do this, the easier it will be for me to simple touch my thumb to my forefinger in a time of stress. At that point I will be able to bypass my entry into a stress session with the amygdala (reptile) part of the brain. In other words, I need to reprogram my unconscious to be ready to place me into a state of calm as there really is no danger and that my amygdala is not needed for the “fight or flight” response. Once I complete the anchor, I can again rate my stress from 0-10.
One area that I know that I need to practice is where my mind wanders during my breathing. In my life, I often juggle multiple things at once and I need to be able to bypass this and be kind to my brain and let it process one thing: to bypass the stress and anxiety. Dr. Sussman suggests always looking for something positive in the sense of a small win when practicing. This will help me motivate myself into automatically entering the calm state using my anchor thought.
A second area that is a focus for me is when I pay attention to body signals. Once I know what is triggering my reactions, I can choose to use my anchor to change my reaction to the trigger. So if I feel anger for example, I’ll ask myself what caused the feeling? That way, the thoughts and interpretations that lead me to how I feel gets me more in touch with how my body reacts to stressful situations. What really is key here for me is how I interpret the situation. I can distinguish between my thoughts and how reality is not created by my thoughts.
Dr. Sussman also suggests doing a tension check in with my body. If I do an active progressive stress reduction session, then I can strengthen what I am doing with my unconscious. An example includes taking an arm and tightening it up so that I could punch out in front of me and then let it drop and relax. I would do this with my other arm, my legs, shoulders, neck, feet, etc. Once I become aware of where my tension lies, then I can use the touch anchor to relax and reduce the stress.
A little pearl of wisdom that I took from my latest session was the worry jar where you put slips of paper listing your worries, stresses and anxiety thoughts. At the end of the week, I look at the slips of paper. If any of them are still current, then I can logically take the time to worry about it and then limit the time. If there is no response to any slip of paper, I toss it!
As I conclude this entry, I am thinking about synchronicity. My course with Dr. Sussman has coincided with my own work through the book, “You Can Be Happy No Matter What” by Richard Carlson. What I’ve discovered through the book is that my thoughts do not make my reality. If I use negative thoughts to project my reality, I will make my reality seem negative. Let it go! Know that my thoughts are not the machinery that drive my life! It’s the connection between my thoughts and my bodily reactions that are key! I’m already seeing how I’ve unknowingly used these techniques when dealing with children in my classroom. I’ve always been able to keep a clear head when working with children. Now that I have a better understanding, I can use this in my adult life too.
“What we think determines what happens to us, so if we want to change our lives, we need to stretch our minds.” -- Wayne Dyer
Carpe diem!
Jumping from Linear to Lateral and Back to Create a Positive Visualization to Reduce Stress
Here I am just finishing module two of Dr. Sussman’s “Anxiety Reduction” workshop and I am marvelling at how my learning can take many forms. I tend to sometimes be a more linear learner. I visualize what I am learning, follow a model and then put it into practice. What I’ve learned from my last blog entry about moving from stuck to free is that I have to be able to learn in different manners in order to get around roadblocks in my learning. What I’ve discovered is that I have the ability to learn in other ways than linear.
In that blog, I mentioned that there was a question that stopped me in my tracks. The answer was to break the situation down into little chunks that are manageable and virtually successful for me all of the time. I think that the lesson was a valuable one when I learned that if I approached a learning point from a different stance, that the answer could be found.
I’ve been discussing this with my friend, Gary. He is a kinaesthetic learner and also tends to be a more lateral learner. He tends to look for creative ways to approach a problem and does it in a “hands on” manner. I tend to be a visual and linear learner at times. I picture it in my head and then put the pieces together in my mind. Linear learners tend to approach a learning situation in a logical manner with the idea of going from point to point to get to the solution. I actually looked linear learners and the definition I found a webpage that stated the following:
“People generally regard linear thinking as an honest, mature, and intelligent process when in reality it lacks ingenuity, innovation, and originality. Similar to circular thinking, linear thinking is characterized by repetition and is, in the long term, detrimental to intellectual advancement.”
This really got my nose out of joint! I lack ingenuity, innovation and originality? That doesn’t sound like me at all! For certainty, I can logically outline my plan to accomplish something - like this module with Dr. Sussman. I got hung up on a question in my last blog and discovered that I could look at it in a lateral/creative way. What really strengthened this was in another writing course that I started at dailyohm.com called, A Year of Writing to Uncover the Authentic Self by Rachel Astor. I hit a wall with a question about breaking down a barrier to writing. When I spoke to Gary, he simply told me that it was exactly the same issue as my last question in Dr. Sussman’s course! Here’s the question:
"Can you reframe the most pressing current obstacle as simply a to-do list? In other words, in order to overcome this, what do you need to learn? What tasks do you need to perform? Who do you need to convince?”
Once I identified that it was the same sort of question, I discovered that I could find ways to be more lateral and creative. My obstacle in the writing course was about bypassing limiting beliefs that I have about myself in order to write from a more creative point of view. I’m already doing that as I revise my novel that I am currently getting ready to to the editor! So, maybe I have to be linear in my lateral thinking! I need to practice it several times before I become more creatively lateral! It is my belief that the more I look at a situation from a different point of view or from a different learning stance, that I will succeed in being more creative. What a revelation! So, in your face, webpage saying that I lack ingenuity, innovation and originality! I can think of a few choice words to use, but I shan’t… I’ll laugh about it instead because I learned something that I can use!
With that being said, here is what I learned from Dr. Sussman about creating a positive visualization. I can create one that I can use to reduce stress, anxiety or panic. I would do this by training my unconscious mind to see the visualization as a positive notion and then bypass the stress, anxiety or panic. We change change stressful feelings by changing our stressful thoughts! She indicated that the visualization must be positive, use as many of the five senses as possible and be clear about whether I have any limiting beliefs around the visualization before I put it into practice. If there is something linked to the visualization that might be negative, then I need to reframe suing a technique called, “Timelining.” What I understand from the module is that timelining is a way to “trick” my unconscious into believing that I can be a person who doesn’t suffer from panic or anxiety or that I am able to reduce it. In other words, reframe the visualization so that any negative connotations are gone so that I can use the visualization to reduce or negate any potential stress, anxiety or panic. Create a positive memory to trigger a physiological response that is positive. Full steam ahead!
Dr. Sussman also posed four questions:
Who is in the visualization? Is it just me or are there others?
What is the action in the visualization?
Where is this visualization taking place?
When is it taking place?
So, I picked my visualization, which I described in another of my blogs about happiness and joy. The image I created was when I was birdwatching early in the morning. The image contains all of my five senses from the sounds of the birds, the sensation of the mist and the morning sun on my skin, the sights around me, the smell of the fresh air and the taste of cool morning on my tongue. The image is perfect. The only person in the image is me. There are birds singing, the mist flowing and the sun peaking over the horizon. It is on the farm where I grew up and I am 13 years old. It is a magical moment.
What does the reducing the stress look like and sound like? How do I put it into practice? If I feel stress or anxiety coming on, I rate the emotion as a number between 0-10 where 0 is that I am calm and 10 means that I am going nuclear… Then, I breathe in looking at a point above my eye line such as where the wall meets the ceiling. Then as I breathe out, I close my eyes. I then repeat the process four to five times. Each time I breathe out, I use a word like “calm” that will help me lose the tension. I then anchor the thought to my time of calm by touching my thumb to my forefinger on the breath in and release on the breath out. I am then calmed because in my visualization, I felt enveloped in calm and peace like a blanket wrapped around me. I felt like I was totally free and that the world was open to me to experience anything that I wanted! When done, I again rate my anxiety from 0-10. If there is still anxiety, look at it with curiosity so that my unconscious mind will find an answer for me.
Sum it up: My thoughts will determine my feelings and emotions. Change the thoughts and the feelings will change. When we go into a positive visualization, my unconscious mind will accept the visualization as real and will allow me to react in a positive manner. My assignment this week is to watch for the negative thoughts and evaluate them using this new model. I’ll laterally look for creative solutions!
I got this! Carpe diem.
Moving from Stuck to Free
I am usually able to figure things out fairly easily. Today, I had an exercise to do about setting a goal for my new course, “Freedom from Anxiety” with Dr. Audrey Sussman. As I began to do the exercise, I became rather cantankerous and couldn’t figure out why. I felt angry deep in the pit of my stomach and for some unknown reason could not figure why I was so angry! I started to look at extraneous reasons for my anger. Could it be that I will be alone on Christmas? Did the guy who just projected his BS on me in Messenger make me feel this way? The cat didn’t wipe her feet on exiting the litter box? What was it?
I realized quite quickly that it wasn’t outside reasons because I know that I am responsible for my own emotions. I listened to the course audio where people were going through the same questions and Dr. Sussman was working them through the steps that I had completed myself. I couldn’t seem to find a connection to what the participants were experiencing as compared to my goal. The others had goals about changing an emotional state or something that was causing them pain. Here I was making a list of tasks that I could get done. None of them were that difficult to actually get done - except for one. Was I doing the exercise wrong? Was I not getting it? Why wasn’t I making connections like the participants in the audio?
Well, I found out what it was all about talking to my friend, Gary. We both chat on almost a daily basis and have done some major soul searching while doing our Energetic Attraction Coaching module work. Gary has become a rock for me and I can honestly say that I have been one for him too. Each time one of us stumble, the other objectively looks at the situation and we work through it. Last night was no exception. Gary walked me through the whole event and listened to that I had to say. Poor Gary! I poured a ton of garbage out and then we approached the question that Dr. Sussman had asked about what was holding me back from realizing my goal. It was there that I stopped and took stock. Gary in his wisdom already knew the answer and patiently waited until I hit the barrier full speed. Crunch, I hit the barrier called, “Fear of the Unknown!”
Here’s the sequence that I went through:
1. What are my goals, wants or desires? What things do I want to get done but where I find myself procrastinating? Put a star beside the ones that are the most important.
Painting the first floor bathroom
Fixing the garden beds at the front of the house
Writing weekly in my blog
Revising and editing my novel
Working on new unit plans and teaching ideas for my classroom
*** Prepare for my retirement
*** Visit places where I might buy property for retirement
2. I then made a wish list of things that I wanted to accomplish. Again, there was nothing there that didn’t cause me any concern. They were all things that I knew in my heart that I can and will complete:
Take a pottery course
Draw more often
Learn Japanese
Write a second and third novel to my trilogy
Travel to various places: Japan, UK, Australia
3. What is holding me back from moving forward? Write down what is holding me back from the starred posts in step 1.
COVID
***Fear of the unknown
Possible financial barriers
Being alone and not with someone
The possibility of doing it alone because I might be alone
I couldn’t answer question 4 until I talked to Gary. There didn’t seem to be a way to break it down into small goals that can succeed! I felt hypocritical because I teach my students to break their work down into smaller chunks all the time! Why couldn’t I? The answer was the fear of the unknown from questions 3! It took a call to Gary to help me see this. As a result, here is my list of things that I can do.
4. Pick one of my starred goals in step 1. List the smallest changes that would make me feel like I am heading in the right direction as far as working on my retirement:
Is there a “Retiring for Dummies”?
Books on Amazon on retirement
Meet with my financial planner at my bank
Doing research on the three places I might like to retire
Set a time to actually go there - Costa Rica, Panama and Portugal
Dr. Sussman then asked how I would feel in the future when I had all the tools to meet my goal? It was very clear that I would be incredibly happy and would look forward to my retirement because I took the steps to get past the fear of the unknown. I took a few baby steps and found that I can set goals that will automatically succeed! I already succeeded! There is a “Retiring for Dummies”! I’ll pick it up in a few days! Yippee!
What did I learn from this whole situation and this exercise? I am used to always finding answers and that has made me a very confident person. I tend to always feel in control when I know where I am going. When I didn’t get it, I felt out of control. Gary told me that sometimes when we fumble around in the dark trying to find answers can actually be a valuable lesson. Wow! What a humbling experience.
Thank you, Gary! Thank you Dr. Sussman! Retirement plan is now on the way!
Carpe diem!
Learning to Breathe for Calm
Each part of my energy journey allows me to discover new ways to elevate my energy. Now, I have the opportunity to work with Dr. Audrey Sussman in order to use a three part system to reduce stress and anxiety. Logically, if I can reduce stress in my life, it will be easier to maintain a higher positive energy level that I have been striving for through Energetic Attraction Coaching with Gay Men Thriving.
One of my concerns that I have when it comes to keeping my energy high is early in the morning. When I wake up, I find myself susceptible to negative thoughts that creep into my consciousness as I wake up. They can range from financial worries, loneliness, guilt from something that happened in the past, or even an incident that happened the day before. This one little thought can trigger a day that could potentially be ruined by my negative thoughts and worries.
I have become adept at being able to curb these morning demons and can generally turn my thoughts toward having a positive and fulfilling day. If you’ve read my blog, you know that I have struggled with many different issues and it is only in the past year and a half where I have finally taken control of those demons and what Zach and Andrew of GMT call Gremlins - which are all part of my internal critic.
What I find exciting about what Dr. Sussman suggests is that reducing stress and anxiety can also help me tune out those negative thoughts (triggers). This will help bring my mind back to my higher level energy. In my program with Gay Men Thriving, I have strived to arrive at a level 5 energy and potentially move higher.
Before I continue, I want to describe level 5 energy as I see it. I wish to thank Zach Bulls and Andrew Sartory of Gay Men Thriving for teaching me these principals and helping me find my path to where I am now. Level 5 energy is a situation where I can have a higher level of consciousness. This is where I can see that I can be excited about the different paths that I could take and how I can see potential in what unfolds in front of me. I am becoming more aware that my life is not about what is right or wrong, but rather how I adapt when unexpected things happen. What really amazes me is that I am looking at accepting differences in others and not focussing on trying to change others. Zach and Andrew call it a “We all win or no one wins” situation.
This has been a major task for me to pull myself out of caretaking (level 4 energy) where I spent all of my positive energy taking care of everyone but myself. Now that I tend to stay more often in level 5, I can still be a caretaker, but make sure that I take care of myself first.
My goal to better myself in my level 5 energy is to become more calm, confident and feel a sense of inner peace and fulfillment. Hence, why I am excited about learning from Dr. Sussman.
If I can go forward in my daily life with a sense of calm confidence, then my inner peace and fulfillment will be realized. On an aside, I do want you to know that I am aware of the pitfalls of life and things will happen to me in the future that may take their toll. What all of this work has provided me with is a set of tools to keep on track.
Dr. Sussman starts with a simple breathing technique, which she calls “Breathing for Calm.” She suggests to decide on a number between 0 and 10 to rate your anxiety, where 0 would be totally calm and 10 would be crisis mode. When I did the video for the first time, I rated myself at a 2 because I had a cardiac ultrasound at the Cardiologist yesterday and I’ve been a bit anxious about the results. I’m 58 years old now and this is an issue that runs in my family.
The next step is to use breath work to focus myself where I breathe in through the nose for two seconds, hold for four and then breathe out through my mouth as much as I can using a “Haaaaa” sound. I practiced with her in the video and did this breathing process about 4-5 times. I’m fairly sure that I could do it longer if I were more anxious.
The next step was was really interesting where I was told to close my eyes focus on the end of my nose. As I was breathing in, Dr. Sussman said to imagine a colour that I would see in my mind’s eye. I saw a very calm blue. Then, she told me to breath in the colour and imagine myself as a glass person that could see the colour coming in and out of my body. This time, I was breathing in the blue colour through my nose and also breathing out the blue colour through my nose. We did this about five times. I then rated my level of anxiety at a 1. Wow! It worked.
So, if I practice this about three times a day and also do it when I am feeling stressed, then I should be able to begin to program myself to automatically reduce the stress and anxiety!
In my next few blog entries, I will describe my voyage into this new realm of calm and confidence. I’m about to be educated in the methods of rewiring my anxious brain. I’m excited!
Carpe diem!
How do I maintain this high vibe life into the future? Part 2.
In my last blog about joy and duty, I described an event where I wasn’t just in my head but in my heart and all of my senses. I can still recall the joy and exhilaration. It opened me up to so many possibilities. So what has happened since? Life has gotten in the way, or at least, I let it prevent me from experiencing joy and happiness. I recently did a video interview with Zach Bulls of Gay Men Thriving about my life and struggle with HIV. I explained that it put a major damper on my life and I went from seeking joy to just surviving. With the threat of HIV over, as I live with it chronically instead of terminally, one would think that I would have found joy and happiness. I didn’t because I had the idea that I would be happy when I had someone in my life. I’ve already described my past relationships in other blogs, so there is no need to go one about it. Suffice it to say, they were unbalanced and downright codependent and not something for which I am currently searching.
2019 and 2020 have been growth years for me. I got out of a dysfunction relationship, got through colon cancer and I am currently dealing with being alone during COVID. Overall, I’m not doing too badly!
During this period of time just before the winter holidays, I am keeping busy with things that I want to do. I’ll be writing more blogs, doing a course on reducing anxiety with hypnotism, revising my novel for its second edit, going to the gym (it is reopening this coming week after a COVID Second Wave prevention) and cooking. I’m not sure if anyone will visit me during the holidays at this point, but who knows? I may even paint my half bath on my main floor with the same colour I used in my walk in closet a few weeks back. It would seem that the holidays are taken care of as far as keeping busy. However, more questions arise for me.
How would I be different if I had felt that joy more in my life? I guess that there is no reason dwelling on what happened in the past. I spent a lot of time in survival mode or codependent mode where I took care of another mans’ needs instead of my own. What has come out of this period of 2019-2020 is the idea about keeping the door open for more joy now and in the future. The answer can be found in a discussion with my friend, Gary. We did a brainstorm of things that both of us would like to do after COVID is done. I’m going to list a lot of them here. Some of them are mine and others, I borrowed from Gary because he has a high level of energy that promotes a lot of fun. He doesn’t wait for fun, he finds it.
These ideas aren’t in any particular order so they may jump around a lot, but perhaps, that’s what spontaneity does - allows you to have fun brainstorming.
I’d like to have a poetry discussion with a group of friends. I’d like to explore the works of different authors such as Walt Whitman, Robert Frost, Yeats, Shakespeare and more. What makes this one interesting is that I could do that one right now in the middle of COVID. A bunch of interested friends and a Zoom party would suffice! Everyone could snack and drink to their heart’s content! Gary said that he’d like to have a book reading meet. This is another option.
I’d like to take a pottery making course and share it with someone. Ultimately, I’d love to share this with a future partner, but why put it off when I could do soon on my own or with a friend? Would I be Demi Moore or Patrick Swayze?
I’d like to have a multicultural dinner night at my house. This goes with Gary’s idea of going to a farmer’s market to learn about local foods and then cooking a dinner. Gary is interested in growing cycles and so am I. Gary is a farmer’s market junkie. He loves to go to them on a regular basis and knows who and where to buy his produce and the like. It would be fun to be able to do this with him! Gary is also an accomplished baker. It would be fun to apprentice with him…
I’d like to take a birdwatching trip with my partner and if he weren’t familiar with ornithology, he might go with the flow and be enthusiastic about seeing a new side of Grant. I’ve always kept it hidden that I like to watch birds. I’ve been teased for doing so, but that’s another story. There’s something about the observation process that delights me. It’s like a mystery to try and figure out a certain species that can’t be readily identified. I’m fairly adept at bird song identification, and not badly with a set of binoculars. I’ve just set the joy of it aside and haven’t taken the opportunity to get back into it. One thing that is new is my location. I spent a lot of time birdwatching in Ontario, Alberta and British Columbia. There are new birds here in Nova Scotia, particularly seabirds that I haven’t seen before. What’s stopping me?
I’ve always wanted to take a trip to a Northern destination such Iceland or Yukon and go Aurora borealis hunting on dog sleds. I love dog sledding and have dreamed of seeing the Northern Lights like they do in the Yukon or in Iceland. This one is a little harder in COVID. It would be one to plan for in the future. Would I go alone or with someone?
I’d like to go on a taste testing voyage in Nova Scotia where we would taste test lobster rolls, rate them and then blog about the experience. Another fun taste test would be clam chowder. One preface on this one would be a daily trip to the gym to work all that food off my belly…
I would love to take a bullet train in Japan during the cherry blossom season. Gary would also like to take a Japanese food tour with his friend Andy and I. Andy, I’ve been told, is a food connoisseur. Wow! Imagine the taste testing. This one would really be an amazing experience.
I’d like to tour the British Isles and explore all the Viking sites. I am part Norwegian and my viking background is fascinating to me. My father and mother did a trip similar and they came back with some fascinating pictures. Would I go alone on this one or not? It seems that it would be more enjoyable with someone else.
Go to a Pride Week somewhere and dance my ass off to retro hits. Gary suggested going to New York to see theatre shows and then Bear Week in Provincetown. Why not?
I love camping. I’ve been thinking about buying a tent trailer and tour around. This would be fun in Nova Scotia, the Maritimes of Canada, the rest of Canada and all over the States. I’d love to see Yosemite and other sites…
I’d like to do a “go cart and dinner in a local dinner” date. Put helmets on, go around the race track a few times and then go to a dinner like the one in “Alice” (I’m aging myself here… so, “Kiss my Grits!”)
Gary would love to sing and do a duet as a performance somewhere. Sounds like fun, but I would need a major training session in dance and singing. I’m trying to imagine myself singing and dancing in a show like they did in “Schitt’s Creek” (Cabaret)…
Gary loves theme parties. He likes to go “clothes shopping with a purpose” as he calls it, for costumes, theme night parties, gay fundraisers, Hallowe’en, etc. He also likes planning the outfits, shopping for them and dressing himself up in them. That would be fun! How about going shopping for drag and seeing my massive calves in a set of size 14 high heels?
Gary told me his dream about doing a tour of Italian farm houses for a week. He said that one could go on excursions on the farms and then and come back in the afternoon to a cooking class. You eat the food you pick afterwards! Sounds amazing. By the way, this one could work just about anywhere.
The last one that Gary suggested was spending a week in Paris having croissant and coffee every morning, touring museums, fooding, photography opportunities and eating in bistros. Sounds amazing. I’m in!
This one is to be continued. I know that there are a lot more things that I could do to find joy in my life.
Doing this dreaming exercise with my BFF, Gary was an amazing experience. Who knows? Maybe a few of these could be crossed off my life very soon. I guess that I need to just prepare myself for fun and just do it.
Carpe diem.
How do I maintain this high vibe life into the future?
As I completed my final phase in Energetic Attraction Coaching, I realized that the question of maintaining a high vibe life entails an exploration into the concept of joy.
I’ve determined that I have a strong sense of duty. There is always something on my “To Do” list that comes before the fun things. The enjoyable items get left for tomorrow. I don’t really need to mention that tomorrow never comes, but yet it beckons and I need to say it.
What does duty sound and look like in the life of Grant Edward Miller? Easy to list as there is a long chain of duties that take priority.
I’m a teacher and my students always take high priority. Sometimes I come home exhausted from helping my students. So much so, that I don’t have enough energy for myself. It usually means making a quick dinner and then crashing in front of the television. Granted, I have become more empathetic to myself and give myself permission to relax and recover. I need to mention that school is a major focus in my life and I would miss it very much if it were gone. I guess that I am not quite ready to retire! I feel that I really connect with my students and the energy that is produced remains high for my students and for myself.
Owning a house is another duty. There is always something to do around the house - repairs, cleaning, unloading the dishwasher (I hate that for some reason!), laundry, changing the litter box, cutting the lawn or weeding a garden. In fact, there are so many little tasks that have to be done, that I use them as a reason to procrastinate starting something new or enjoyable.
Another block to finding joy is daydreaming. I have a tendency to daydream when I have a long list of things to complete. I’ll sit and stare out the window at the bay and dream about all the wonderful things that I could do. That tells me that I have a desire to be happy and want to find joy. The big problem is that I use the daydreaming as a reason to not push into the making the dream a reality. It is so much easier to listen to the voice that says, “You can be happy or do something fun when you are done _____ and _____ and _____ , etc.” As a result, my internal critic usually wins out and I do task after task until I become tired and not enthusiastic enough to do something fun. He wins, I don’t.
I guess that I have forgotten to get in touch with things that bring me joy. After all, joy is something that others experience and not me. Voila! There’s the limiting belief that prevents me from feeling it! “You don’t deserve to be happy or experience joy! It is only for others around you. Be the one that makes sure everyone around you is happy. That’s your task in life.” So, this limiting belief is the roadblock that is preventing me from feeling joy. It brings up the question that if I can direct the compassion and empathy to others, then I must be able to direct it toward myself. Find joy and feel it. Stop letting life get in the way of finding joy. In other words, find the joy in life and not the other way around!
I think that I’m making the roadblock too big and make myself too small. Why do I put off being happy or joyful? It’s because of my sense of duty. What beliefs fuel the roadblock? The belief that happiness and joy are for others and not me. What does the roadblock make me do? It allows me to procrastinate and then blame the world and circumstance for not being able to be happy and joyful. Wow! Talk about excuses! Talk about avoidance! Get a grip, Grant! You could be happy right now if you allowed yourself the belief that it is possible.
Why not? I can use my imagination to create the potential of finding joy. So, when will I get out of my head and into my body and actually do the fun and joyful things? Again, there is a limiting belief that all these “bad” things that have happened in the last three to four years that are proof to my internal critic that I don’t deserve to be happy and joyful. How do I even know if I can or will or have experienced joy?
One evening during a conversation with my close friend, Gary, on a FaceTime call, convinced me to search for times in my life when I felt joy. I was able to come up with one from my past, but it seemed so far away and so remote that there wasn’t a way to experience renewed joy or happiness.
“Gary, there was a time in my early teens where I believe that I felt something close to incredible joy. It was during spring and the birds were singing up a storm during the nesting season in southern Ontario.
That Saturday morning, at around 4 am, I woke up and found that I couldn’t sleep. So, inspired by the sounds of the birds outside, I got up, dressed and took my notebook outside. I breathed in the fresh air of the morning. The sun had not yet breached the eastern sky, but there was a hint of light that was to come. The birds knew this and sang a chorus of enchanting and joyful songs that sounded like a chorus of angels.
I walked down the country road where I lived and as I passed fields, forests, swamps and dusty corners, I would hear the calls of so many different birds: the flute call of a Wood Thrush echoing through the cedar forest; the friendly call of the Song Sparrow singing from the blackberry bushes and the Yellow Warbler singing about how sweet he was as he sang, “Sweet, Sweet, Sweet! I’m so sweet!”
The forest lots were covered in a light mist that smelled humid and very welcoming. The sound of my boots scuffing the dirt road added a sense of rhythm to the bird song coming from all directions. I felt an incredible peace that I hadn’t ever felt before. I pulled out my notebook and I wrote down all the birds that I recognized that morning. By the time the sun peeked over the horizon, I had heard and identified more than forty difference species of birds.
As I walked back up the dirt road, the sun burned off the early morning mist and then a new chorus of birds began their songs. I felt totally at peace and found a joy that was close to rapture.”
I wasn’t just in my head during that event. I was feeling everything in all of my senses. There was a sense of positivity, joy, exhilaration and an outlook toward the future open to so many possibilities.
What has happened since? How would I be different if I had felt that joy more in my life? Even more importantly, how do I keep the door open for joy now?
Carpe diem. Watch for part two as I reflect on these final questions.
How will I continue to grow? How do I want to grow?
I am continuing my journey on raising my energy. It is something that I’ll be doing until I die. It makes sense to keep trying. The key to the answer is HOW do I want to grow? This has given me insight into what I need and want to do. It also means to not make the decision solely based on what others want.
This is a very liberating feeling to have. I’ve spent so much of my life making sure that others’ dreams were met and focused very little on my own feelings, wants and needs. After all, isn’t it selfish to put yourself first? That’s what I was taught when I was a child. I’ve finally reached the conclusion that it is not selfish and this makes me very excited.
One big area that I need to grow is the need to be more comfortable saying no to people. I’ve had to reflect on why it is hard to say no. The reasons always are given for the other person:
If I say no to someone, it will make them feel badly.
I’ll be responsible for how they feel when I say no.
I’ve had sex with guys with whom I didn’t want to because I couldn’t say no.
I’ve felt guilty for saying no.
I don’t like conflict and will give in to make the conflict go away
One thing that stands out is that I tend to say no when I’m more angry or frustrated. It takes a negative emotion to drive home the point that I want or need to say no. How do I want to grow here? I want to say no when it is right for me to say no and not feel guilty for having done so. I can realize that saying no is being me. It’s okay to say “I’m done here.”
A second area where I want to grow being more outgoing in a social setting. So what stops me from being more outgoing? That’s an easy one! My Internal Critic says, “They will think that you’re boring, stupid or out of touch.” My Internal Critic is protecting me from something that is not familiar. I am quite comfortable talking to friends who know me well. I can be outgoing with them without a problem. However, it’s hard to break through the barrier of being familiar with someone that I don’t know well. It’s here where I prepare myself to stumble, falter or give up. Sometimes, I feel that everyone knows everyone else here and I’m not there yet… So, I feel that I don’t have a clear path to becoming familiar with this new person. I just have to be a risk taker and try anyway.
Last year, I was at a costume party and a man dressed as Superman came up to my friend and I. He chatted us up and we asked him to take pictures of us in our costumes. I noticed that he was very attractive, but didn’t clue in to the messages being conveyed. After a bit, he excused himself saying that he had to go. I can remember being disappointed. Later, my friend told me that Superman was actually interested in me! I was floored that I missed an opportunity because I didn’t read the messages. I wasn’t familiar with what was being communicated. So now, I tell myself, “Don’t let Superman get away.”
A third area where I want to grow is that I want to continue to try new things. I’d like to be a little more adventurous with singing and dancing in public and being more free with my expression of who I am. I want to be happy and show it as an authentic part of me. That’s a big turn around for me. I used to hide or shy away from doing that. It may feel like a big leap of faith for me to be outgoing, but I know that I can do it because of what my friend, Gary, told me: “Keep your eyes, ears and heart open to an opportunity to try something new and you’ll be ready to try it on for size!”
Carpe diem.
Letting go of old beliefs - part 3
In part 1 and 2, I wrote about life situations that caused me to have limiting beliefs about myself. For this entry, I am focusing on one that has run through the core of my being and has been persistently there for my entire life. As I examine it, I am starting to locate the actual point(s) in time that caused this limiting belief.
I am plain and unattractive.
It is a simple fact that I don’t always see why others people think that I am attractive. Some people even go as far as to say that I already know that or that I take advantage of it. I’ve been accused of being an attention seeker for posting a picture of my weightlifting progress… Many people just make assumptions and seem to be quite willing to express the same to me because they feel safe behind their keyboard. Would any of them have the courage to say so in front of my face?
One of my old desires was to look like a Tom of Finland drawing. For my straight friends, Tom of Finland was an artist who drew gay men in a hyper-masculine manner. The men were often extremely muscular and well-endowed. I always thought that I was a man who was too far from even being close to resembling a hyper-masculine caricature. I felt very different inside. I was still that overweight kid that had low self esteem and low self worth.
Sometimes guys project their ideas and feelings onto me. I’ve gotten friendship requests on FaceBook from men who seem to be a really nice guys. Once friended and without my request, a dick pic (or other parts of the body) shows up and I feel disappointed because they must only see me for what they believe I am. If I post a picture of myself without my shirt on does that mean that I am a whore and want others to automatically think think that I am seeking such? That I am willing to toss them a nude shot of me without any self-respect?
My ex husband would often say that I was the straightest gay man that he had ever known. He said this because I would often wear jeans and a t-shirt, didn’t seem to have any fashion sense or didn’t partake in the stereotypical gay man’s activities. I didn’t want to sleep around with everyone, didn’t obsess with HGTV, didn’t go to raves stoned on various drugs or believing that the grass might be greener on the other side of some stupid fence so that I could dump one man for a better one…. He even said that I didn’t have the gay designer gene!
After all, I didn’t fit the Tom of Finland stereotype. I liked reading, writing, science fiction, gardening, cooking and more. I liked walking on the beach and camping. I didn’t ride a motorbike or wear leather and role play hyper-masculine fantasies. So, why didn’t I start acting like I was a Tom of Finland man so that I could PRETEND that I was something that I was not? My ex husband, Henry, did that all the time. I used to giggle about his desire to be a butch leather fantasy man who loved doilies, frilly antique pieces and miniature doll houses! I didn’t deem it necessary to pretend that I was something that I wasn’t.
In my journey of self discovery, I have learned that it is okay to be silly, dance to Madonna in my underwear while making dinner or singing Donna Summer tunes while cleaning the house. By the way, I clean my house in jeans and a t-shirt! How “un-gay” can that be? I love otters, not in the gay sense, but the animal. A gay otter is a man that loves bears. Bears are big and hairy guys. So, I’m not a gay otter, but am nicknamed Otter because I want to be playful like my spirit animal. A friend recently told me that one of things he loves about talking to me is how I say goodbye on a FaceTime call. I wave bye-bye like I do with my students! He says that I have this cute child-like grin on my face and wave quick little wave. He says it is really cute! Okay, definitely not Tom of Finland! What makes it okay is that I don’t have to conform. I can be anything I want.
As I write this, I think back to when I was a child. I loved to play ball tossing games and skipping rope. Tom of Finland guys don’t skip Double Dutch… or do they? This brings up a question that my friend, Gary, recently asked me. “What would you say to that little kid that loved Double Dutch and tossing a ball against a wall whilst singing songs? Why does he like doing those things?” He would say because it was fun. There wasn’t a rule that said I couldn’t do those things. I didn’t like playing sports that much and seemed to enjoy the girls’ company more than the boys’.
It wasn’t until I was a few years later that I found out that being different would surface in a negative way. Suddenly, the word “Fag” starting being heard. The Double Dutch guy was a fag who felt dumpy and nondescript. I think that I was trying to make myself that way to avoid being noticed. If you made yourself as nondescript as possible, the bullies wouldn’t notice you as much. Duck your head and look the other way! I can even remember telling my mother that I didn’t feel good about myself. She just said that I would grow out of it…
I didn’t. I took that idea into my adult life. I continued to believe that I was nondescript and unattractive. When I came out, men liked me because of my age, or so I thought. I figured that being young made you attractive. It never occurred to me that I was attractive in some other way.
I’ve already written about the AIDS crisis and how it affected me. When you are HIV+, you see the world through a different lens. In the early years of AIDS, people like me were considered pariahs. You were considered so because people were afraid. I remember the stories of the early years where men who had this unknown disease were isolated in rooms at hospitals, their food trays left in the hallway for fear of getting this unknown disease. For more information, read this article: https://www.out.com/positive-voices/2016/12/01/woman-who-cared-hundreds-abandoned-gay-men-dying-aids#media-gallery-media-1 . Like the men in the story, I felt abandoned. My partner at the time was so afraid of the syndrome that he refused to touch me. In my mind, he abandoned me, so I abandoned him and tried to move on. Relationships became more and more difficult. Even hook ups were impossible because I didn’t want to infect someone else by accident. So all those years of dealing with HIV had a major affect on my view of being unattractive and undesirable. It fortified my original concept of myself. Gradually, as I met more HIV+ men, I began to have relationships that were more comfortable, but the effect of the situation has stayed with my all of my adult life.
I’ve also written about how exercise saved my life in those times. I’ve been exercising ever since in the form of weights, aerobics and group fitness classes. I also taught them from 1990-2013 and developed a real sense of physical fitness. In those times, I developed the belief that to be attractive, one had to be muscular and fit. I was able to hide my disability though exercise and bulking up. In all that time, I never considered the possibility of looking inside and seeing the person or soul who had the muscular, fit body. All I could see was an imperfect body, never fit enough, all the flaws with my face, my body, and my soul. I could rally a major list of flaws, but seldom looked at the positives.
It has been in the last few years after major relationships ended, and dealing with cancer that I have come to see what I need to see. I began to look inside for the answers. I am still on that road to understanding and loving myself. I can honestly say that I am an attractive man, not totally because of my outside appearance, but what is also inside. My friend, Gary, again come up with a nugget of wisdom one night as we discussed the difference between being attractive, being desirable, being appealing etc. We even discussed who we thought was stunningly beautiful! The nugget was, “Keep your eyes, ears and heart open to an opportunity to try something new!” I’ve opened all of my senses to take the opportunity to see what is beautiful in me!
So, I was curious about what people thought of me. I asked a group of friends, some of them have been sexual partners and some have been platonic friends. The answers stunned me. The points that came up the most were:
“… you are a man that speaks and acts from your heart and have nothing but the best intentions for those you care about most.”
“You’re incredibly kind and caring. You’ve been kind of like a "Daddy" type to me by nurturing me and giving me tough love when needed. You're an animal lover. You’re intelligent. Strong. All of that. Confident.”
“Your eyes are intense, showing your beautiful soul and genuine warm and caring smile. Then you’re so warm, kind, respectful, affectionate... fun and adventurous.”
“You come across as what we call in Arabic, ‘the combination of the opposites’ - you are silent and brooding but at the same time really kind and caring, and you can be goofy and fun when the time calls for it. You are a serious man who has no problem showing emotions and vulnerability. You are strong, yet fragile.”
“You’re kind and easily let people in. And it’s just very easy to be around you, a very welcoming presence.”
Where there examples that showed that they thought I was attractive? You bet! However, they have been tempered with the above points, telling me that it is more than just what is on the outside, and that the inside is just as important:
“Physically, for me you are definition of what I consider hot, attractive, not pretty girly but stern masculine look and a warm beautiful smile, you’re tall and muscular and very aggressive sexually chemistry that just is a drug to me.”
“Obviously you’re extremely handsome and built. You’re into a lot of fun and hot things, such as rubber and kink.”
“Superficially, you’re ruggedly handsome.”
“Ok, here’s my honest answer: physical aspects: silver, salt and pepper hair and beard are very attractive to me, combined those signs of a well seasoned man with the body of a well trained one and then you have a lethal combo that many can’t resist.”
“And top if off, you’re a very sexy and handsome man. ❤️”
So, can I honestly say that I am attractive? Am I a Tom of Finland kind of guy? The answer has been coming to me more lately. I’ve taken a few selfies and I’ve looked past the crooked smile and the grey hair. I’ve ignored the wrinkles and saw the warmth and beauty in my own eyes. There is a softness and a love that I’ve not noticed before. Is it selfish or conceited to find the self love and the things that make me attractive to myself? I’m going to have to say no. If anyone says that I am posting pictures of me with my new glasses to just to get attention or to make me feel better by hearing everyone’s opinions… I have have something to say: These guys need to push off and find somewhere else to dump their own insecurities! They need to acknowledge their projections and their own conceptions of self onto me. I’m not a narcissistic man who posts pictures and says, “Look at me! Hello! I am here! I am beautiful and don’t I know it?” Give me a fucking break! All I am is a man who looked into the mirror, deep into his own eyes and found the soul and heart of a man that people find attractive and beautiful for many reasons.
I’ve since had that conversation with the little boy inside who thought he was nondescript and unattractive. We’ve consoled each other and come to love each other for all of our traits. Thank you guys (Gary, Bryan, Seann, Ray, Masoud et al), for your comments. Thank you for helping me see that being attractive starts at home in the belief of the self. I love you guys!
Carpe diem!
Letting go of old beliefs - Part 2.
In part one of letting go of old beliefs, I wrote about how life choices have led me down a path to where I am now. I detailed my dealings with relationships in a light where I looked for what I had done wrong. As I said, I have come to understand that I was just me and that it wasn’t necessarily my fault. I am not broken, dysfunctional or incapable of forming relationships. The next one kind of follows a similar path.
That I am a fake.
This one goes hand in hand with the thought of being broken or dysfunctional. I believed that I was a fake friend, teacher, family member and even lover. My image of me was that what ever I put forward to the world was not the real me and that if others knew who I really was, that they wouldn’t like me or want to be with me.
Although I don’t believe in that I am an “all or nothing” mentality, I am a rules regulated person.This means that I have a tendency to feel that I have to prove that I have to justify myself all the time or put up a front to ensure others didn’t see the true me underneath. Having these thoughts made me wonder if I, too, am a narcissist? The answer came in the idea that narcissists can’t generate empathy or put themselves in another’s shoes. I may not be a “black and white” thinking person, but I am actually very empathic and caring about others. I am so much so that I can over empathize my need to help others at the expense of myself.
How did I see myself as fake? Being a fake friend was easy because I just had to keep quiet and go along with everyone else. I would not often put forward my ideas or contribute to conversations. After all, a fake person wouldn’t take a risk to be outgoing, would he? Also being shy caused a lot of heartache for me. I had to try to resolve whether the issue was that I was too shy to contribute or too afraid to expose myself as a fraud. Maybe it was both?
I also saw myself as a fake teacher. Even though I have been teaching for virtually 25 years, there was a time when I thought that I was a fake. I was just pretending to be a teacher. Early in my career I felt excited to offer new ideas and new ways of learning, but was beaten down by quite a few naysayers at one of the first schools where I worked. They pooh poohed a lot of my ideas, so the rules regulated person that I was, shut up, hid it and went about my business quietly and did the best that I could. It wasn’t until I did my Masters when I discovered that I was a true teacher and did have something to contribute!
This is where my path created a bit of a paradox. I was able to justify my abilities as a teacher, but couldn’t in my personal relationships. In my teaching, I often had the instinct or the intelligence to solve a problem or tackle a difficult classroom situation. One friend even asked me, “If you are so adept at dealing with relationships in your classroom, why don’t you use the same principles in your personal relationships?” I couldn’t answer the question. It seemed that I had justified myself as a real person professionally in the form of a teacher or aerobics instructor, but not personally.
Recently, I asked myself the question why I was so outgoing in the classroom or in the aerobics studio? It was almost like I was another person entirely. I couldn’t figure out why I could be so chatty, friendly, outgoing and social in the class or gym, but quiet and reserved as a person…
Even in my existing relationships, I felt like I was fake. I couldn’t be the real me to my family and had certainly learned that being the real me in my relationships meant a disaster. I would duck for cover and hide from any kind of confrontation. Now, imagine adding this to being the consummate caregiver that I mentioned in part one? There were too many threads that could be pulled on and the whole thing would unravel and expose the fake me underneath.
In the time that I have been working on myself through my course at Gay Men Thriving, I’ve come to understand that I have to set aside that old idea that taking care of yourself is selfish. I now know that in order to be a loving partner to another, I have to love and take care of myself first. Once those needs are met, I am better equipped to love and take care of others.
So, I can learn, I can make mistakes but I can still feel good about who I am. As I let the old belief that I am fake go and fall away, I see the consolidation of that outgoing person I wrote about combining with the quiet and reserved me. So, what did I find after doing this? I discovered that living and being happy is so much easier and that I am a survivor.
Carpe diem.
Letting go of old beliefs - Part 1.
Part of my growth has involved letting go of old beliefs that have held me back for most of my life. They have even caused me to head in the wrong direction because I made choices that I thought were true to who I was. Despite it being the wrong direction, those choices allowed me to reach where I am today. What makes it all that much clearer is that if I hadn’t gone through some of the toughest times in my life, I wouldn’t be on the path to letting go. I needed to go the wrong direction and learn through the hardship and pain. I learned to let it go.
I am broken, dysfunctional and incapable of forming lasting relationships
I held a long belief that I was broken. When things went wrong in a relationship, I would be told that it was my fault. I believed it. I was broken. I had so many failed relationships (and friendships) that I couldn’t help but believe that it was my fault. This caused me to believe that I was dysfunctional because I invested so much time in broken relationships. I also believed that I wasn’t capable of forming lasting relationships.
How did I come to let go of these beliefs? I realized that there was a pattern in the type of person I was attracting. This was the key to my understanding. My basic beliefs of being broken, dysfunctional and incapable were the reasons for attracting those kind of relationships in the first place! I’ve written about having a narcissistic husband and then a second relationship with someone who was equally narcissistic. One would think that I had learned my lesson the first time around!
What really hit it home was that when I reviewed many of the relationships before my ex husband and Mr. Las Vegas, I saw examples of dysfunction time and time again. I always blamed myself for all of those failures. What I’ve come to learn and understand is that I am a caregiver by nature and that need to be one has been both a blessing and a curse. Many people have remarked on my caregiving. They see me as one who gives to others, but they don’t know that I don’t always give to myself. This is where the narcissists and the addictive personalities come into the picture. They are attracted to a caregiver because they instinctively know that this is a perfect environment in which to set up shop.
Let’s take a step back and look at what a narcissist is. I have read books such as Stop Walking on Eggshells and researched on the Internet and can safely say that I can and have identified potential relationships since my break ups.
A narcissist has a overinflated sense of self importance.
They also lack empathy to a varying degree. They don’t know how to walk in someone else’s shoes.
They dominate conversations and one certainly should not correct them because they are always right! If you disagree, you’d better duck!
They believe that they are the most important person in the room/relationship/world, etc. This gives them a sense of entitlement that they should be treated like royalty but would not consider returning the favour. (I once had a relationship with someone who always said, jokingly, “It’s all about me!”) Having the idea of grandiosity is very common and they feel the need to hear praise from others.
Narcissists will project a high sense of success to the world. They are successful in everything and anyone not fitting their bill will be looked down upon. As a result, they have an over-inflated sense of achievement and talents
They love to break rules. They are above others, so they believe they are above “petty inconveniences” as they call them.
They demand perfection of themselves and others. If you slip up, again you’d better duck!
Narcissist can be charming. I found this one out early in my relationship with my ex husband. He read me Dorothy Parker poetry because he knew I was a literary kind of person. He knew how to lure me in. Once the person has what he or she wants, they become bored.
They love to manipulate people to suit their needs, even though they have problem keeping friends (they dump people at will).
They desire control in just about every decision, plan, or choice.
They love to trumpet their own success, but when there is a failure, they blame others, usually loved ones or deny it. The same applies to shame. They have none for themselves but heap it on others.
They have a warped sense of reality which may be caused by their inability to handle a true situation. “Resistance is futile” might be conspired as their battle cry because they expect special treatment. It is their way or the highway to bye-bye.
They can be mean and threatening of others, especially someone who is confident. This can’t be as THEY are the special someone that is on a pedestal.
My last two relationships exhibited virtually all of the list above, yet I was to blame for the demise of the relationships. I had other relationships that ended due to addiction and also more narcissistic tendencies.
A psychologist friend kindly helped me understand the basis of narcissism. He told me that that they may have arrested development. This means that they may be “stuck” in an emotional level from a past trauma, disturbance or parental neglect in childhood, adolescent or teenage periods. When the trauma occurs determines how many layers of trauma are experienced as the person goes through life into adulthood. So, a narcissist has to make up a fake world due to a low sense of self. They feel so diminished that they need to create a fake persona that hides the truth.
Here’s the tie into my issue: codependence. As a caregiver, I would bend over backwards to make a relationship work, even if it was detrimental to myself. I have to admit that I enabled addictive behaviour in one relationship and several with a mental health disorder such as narcissism. What I was actually doing was looking for approval and needed to hear praise from others due to low self esteem. I have been known to seek out opportunities to be praised for what I have done. How did I let it go?
I took responsibility for my part in it. I learned that I have to take care of myself first in order to better take care of others. I can no longer allow others to decide how my life should be lived. If they want to be with me, then they have to accept me for me and not what they think I should be. I respect myself and deserve to be treated as such.
Since the demise of the Mr. Las Vegas relationship, I’ve had to terminate several potential relationships due to seeing the signs pointing to narcissism in their reactions.
Letting go of old beliefs for me is saying that I am not broken, dysfunctional or incapable of having a good relationship! I can because I now can see the sign posts that were until recently, invisible to me. I’ve been listening to Fearless Soul and there is a motivational speech written by Nicholas Macri called, “Let it go”. It is also combined into a song by the same title. The words describe it all to me.
Let it go
The things that have happened in the past
The things that aren't happening right now
Let it go
If you want to be free,
Stop locking yourself into the prison of your past
If you want to see the light
Stop holding yourself in the darkness of your past
If you really want to move on
Release that heavy weight from your back
If you don't want them to win
Let it go….
Carpe diem!
What is my purpose?
August 14, 2020
As I listen to Fearless Soul on Alexa each day, I hear what is said about purpose. What exactly is my purpose? Why am I alive? This is a tough question because I have never really asked myself this question with any kind of certainty. There have been so many years that I just existed. I don’t need to list the reasons why I have just existed here as they are engrained in my head. I guess that the big question is how do I change this idea that I have no purpose other than just existing? It has been easy to exist and live my life by doing what I always feel that I MUST do rather than what I WANT to do. It even goes farther to state that I would do what OTHERS WANT rather than what we or I want.
Perhaps, the best way to approach this search for my purpose is to look at what my day looks like - during this pandemic or out of it. It might be a good idea to look at the things that I might like to do. This is, as what Audrey says in the High Vibe Module of Energetic Attraction Coaching, about taking a risk to try new things and expand my possibility to grow to new levels. Maybe I need to look at the meaning to my life that I give it. If I put a meaning of just existing onto my life, then that is how I will live my life. So, what do I do about changing this idea?
A typical day looks like this: I wake up to the day, either by the light coming into my room or by the alarm that goes off beside me. I will often receive a bundle of thoughts that jump into my brain without any reason. They are often related to angst such as money issues, a large list of tasks that I need to complete, being alone, past “infractions” that I keep reliving in my head, or just a general feeling of having no purpose to get up out of bed.
I do get out of bed and I have a basic plan to get on with my day. During the school year, I get up, shower, have a coffee with a bit of meditation looking out the window at the water in the bay. I then do my tasks to get to school. I teach my job and then head to the gym for a workout. I come home and perhaps do something such as writing, social media or watching television. Television usually wins out the most often because it has always been a method to lose myself in another story than my own.
Since starting Energetic Attraction Coaching, my day looks quite different. I still get up, but have my coffee with an attempt to meditate to allow my mind to slow down and not address all the issues. I then commit do doing my Daily Growth Practice that involves a list of affirmations. Most days, this works well enough to quiet down the angst and allows me to get through the day. A positive side effect is that I can appreciate a lot more the little things that I experience. Examples can be hearing the loons calling on the bay or the hummingbird coming to the feeder. Maybe it is a desire to try a new lesson or idea at school with the kids. It could even be a commitment to doing something such as editing my novel or writing my blog or deciding to do a task of my long “To Do” list. It starts off with good intentions and I accomplish most things with the exception the task that I need to start and accomplish. It becomes easy to let it pass and not do it! This usually causes an event of regret at the end of the day.
During the pandemic of COVID, I have developed a few additional habits. I do all the things above in the previous paragraph, but I set a small list of things to do so that I don’t feel overwhelmed. For the most part, I get the list completed with a sense of accomplishment. I still have apathy and often do not start a job that I have on my list. An example is painting my front and back doors. They need to be repainted with red paint for metal doors. I can see the task and have the desire to do it. The problem is that after I do my coffee/meditate, affirmations, set goals for the day, eat breakfast, head to the gym, come back for lunch and then it often falls apart. I end up with the excuse of sitting in front of the television. Painting the doors gets set aside and added back on the list of things to do. I also have to plug up three holes in the foundation of my home with cement. These three access points are used by rats to get into my basement and into the walls. One would think that this is a big reason to get with it and do the task! I actually caught a pregnant rat in a trap the other day. It absolutely disgusted me to see the dead rat in the trap and having to dump it in the garbage! Get off your ass, Grant and plug the bloody holes! It still hasn’t been done, which will become more important as the fall and winter approach when the little nasties will decide to nest inside my attic and skitter across the ceilings, driving me crazy!
The doors will certainly be painted and the holes will be plugged, along with the other things on my long list of tasks to complete. What bothers me the most is that I know that I have that list and I do feel a sense of accomplishment when I do carry out a task. Despite all of this, apathy can set in and prevent me from doing the very things that give me a sense of accomplishment.
The idea of what my purpose is jumps into my head at this point. There has to be more to life than plugging holes or painting doors! Sure, I can write or edit my novel to be creative. I can chat with a friend or write my blog. One would think that would be enough to say that I have a wonderful life! The big question jumps back into my head: What is my purpose and why am I alive? I’ll have to make this a “To be continued” because I can’t answer it at the moment.
Becoming Aware of Old Ways...
People say that ex smokers are the worst critics of others who smoke. Sometimes I feel that being a person who was previously very negative makes me like an ex smoker. The universe seems to be sending negative people to me or I am somehow attracting them? Maybe the message from the powers that be is that to fully understand how to change oneself comes from seeing the issue and then becoming aware of others who exhibit that trait. Why is that? This is my reflection on social media and what I have been experiencing lately…
Exhibit A: A guy requests friendship from me on FaceBook. I accept because I see his picture and get a sense that he might be a nice guy. He then remarks something like, “Thank you for friending me, [insert any adjective here] man.” After saying something such as being welcome there comes a procession of penal pictures or videos of the man wanking off. I then thank him for the photos or videos and then say that I don’t do that sort of thing on FaceBook. What usually follows is something like, “Oh. Okay.” Five minutes later, “Are you a top or a bottom?” I sigh and block him.
Exhibit B: Another guy who is like Exhibit A, except comes at it from another angle. After all the niceties, he says, “Boy I’d sure like to see you with your clothes off!” Again, I tell him about what I don’t do on FaceBook. He then replies, “Well you show off your body with a shirt off on your profile, that means you must be willing to send me nude shots!” When I respond with, “So if I were a woman who took a picture of herself on the beach in a bikini and then posted it on FaceBook, then she would be willing to take her clothes off for you?” He then responds with, “Oh, now the theatre starts! I love it!” No sigh this time, just “We’re done here…” Block…
Exhibit C: An assorted group of dramatic men who call me “Love,” “Darling, “Sweetheart,” or literally come out with after knowing me a full 30 seconds, “I love you!” I believe myself to be culturally understanding and that maybe it might be acceptable in another country and in another language, but those types of labels are only used with someone whom you are fond. So I let it pass and then the demand for naked pictures commences. One time, I actually told the guy that in my circle if you call someone “darling” it is only used with someone we love… He then told me to calm my emotions (his words) and demanded that I show him my dick.
Exhibit D: Then there is the myriad of lamenters, the pit of the depressed and those wanting something that they don’t know how to do themselves (like be faithful). I’ve had to terminate a few FaceBook pages where I would see a man express his emotions and his opinion and then others would ridicule him or put him down. God forbid that I should comment on this thread because then I would become a target! It started to make me wonder if gay men are just a bunch of dysfunctional, narcissistic people that wouldn’t know a decent relationship if it were to hit them in the face? The scary thing is that I immediately realized that I am stereotyping; something that I’ve fought so hard to dispel and no longer believe! So, what gives?
Exhibit E: Guys that project their shit onto everyone else and sometimes even on themselves. Their life is miserable because all gay men are pigs or not capable of monogamous relations or constantly cheat, etc., etc., etc… Why has the gay community/culture fought so hard for acceptance from the straight world, but then can’t agree amongst themselves with comments like “No Fats, No Fems, No (insert another culture here)?” Or the guy that only wants to have everyone listen to how bad his life is but can’t bear the thought that someone might want to help them by gently offering a suggestion? I’ve been told to take my advice and put it somewhere…or worse…
So, after some of these situations I start to feel rejection, begin to feel negativity creep back in or feel shame for having tried to do something nice for someone only to have them tell me to piss off or various other colourful metaphors. I’ve sat there wondering what I did wrong and actually began to start to feel sorry for myself or ashamed that I must have done something wrong! Couldn’t it be a projection of someone else’s issues onto to me and that I actually didn’t do anything wrong? Hey, I’m not perfect and am more than willing to acknowledge that I’ve made a mistake. An example being a person in Exhibit E telling me that I shouldn’t offer positive outlooks to him because I don’t know him fully and that I don’t know what he’s been through! Hey buddy, you just told me that you felt the world was a rotten place and that nothing ever goes right! All I did was say that I’ve felt like that before too and that I understand. What comes out? A major double projection: that the world is a shitty place and that he’s in a shitty place and that no one would understand him - especially me and therefore I am at fault because I offered something positive! At first I believed him that I had done something wrong... Did I? Sigh! It makes me wonder if I will ever get it right!
So, how do I come to terms with this? I started my blog with the thought that maybe I am attracting negativity or that the universe is teaching me a lesson. Through all my work on my inner self, my self worth, my self esteem and hanging onto the belief that I am a good person I’ve had another epiphany! Although I was very negative in the past and am working on it, I have become AWARE that there is negativity in many places in this world and that it is not my fault! I’ve become similar to the ex smoker I mentioned: I can see the negativity and I want the world to know that I might have suggestions, but I’ve learned... Only someone who wants to hear the message because they themselves have come to understand that they are actually being negative would respond positively.
So where does that leave me? I have been working on my negativity and I am far from perfect or finished with this… It will be a lifetime of continual challenge. Maybe I’ll use another analogy here: An alcoholic will never acknowledge that he or she has a drinking problem, until they actually believe it based on circumstance. In a parallel, someone who sees the world in negative ways will not accept this until they too come to actually understand that they suffer from it. So here’s the thing: I’ve come to understand that I can be negative and that is half the battle for me to make change. I see a light at the end of my tunnel. I can make a change to myself with some effort. However, my light won’t always shine for others. They need to see their own light at the end of their own tunnel.
Carpe diem.
A love letter to myself
In my previous blog, I told you that I would be sharing things about how I am working on my own self worth. As as result of my journaling, here is the acknowledgement and the permission that I have given myself to have self worth!
Dear Grant,
When I think of all the things that you have been through I can come to no conclusion other than you are an amazing person! You have experienced many things in your life, some good, some amazing, some bad and some horrific. Yet, you have always continued to fight on for what you deserve. It is through this fight that you need to know just how dedicated and persistent you are. So many events could have ended your fight, but you continued to battle on and not give up!
Above all, you are a caregiver. So many people have reaped the benefits of which you’ve unselfishly given. You have given so much and helped so many. It is now time for you to accept and believe that you need to be taken care of too and it starts with putting yourself first. Give yourself all the energy and love that you have given to others. You are deserving of this love in the form of self care. Why? The answer is simple, you are worthy of it and you always have been. You can rest easy now, knowing that you are taking care of yourself and that makes your life even better! If that is the case, then you still have the power to do amazing things for others too! This makes it such a win/win situation! You are a man who is living his authentic life. You have so much to live for and to experience. Through being an authentic person, you can be someone who can give even more authenticity to others. You can be a role model for many, a guide for those who need guidance and an amazing partner to the man of your dreams! He will be just as lucky as you for being a part of this wonderful partnership.
You respect yourself and keep to what you consider your core values. Your core values include self love, dignity and self respect. You know that you have to right to be you and be true to yourself. What an incredible gift of love, respect and understanding that you have given yourself! Stand strong to what you believe is right for you and the rest will fall into place! You are living a life that just keeps getting better and better.
It is truly remarkable how much you have changed and what you have become. You love yourself, you respect yourself and you care for yourself! Since you know this, you also know that you deserve all of this back from someone else. This man by your side will be the man of your dreams; you will be so happy and complete knowing that there is someone who is as strong, caring and giving as you are. He gives to you because he loves you! You deserve the right to be safe and be cared for because you have demonstrated this time and time again for others. Now that you are doing this for yourself, you know that there will be someone in your life who will do the same.
Grant, congratulations on putting yourself on the track to being a unified person in his mind, his body and his soul! You are fun loving, kind, caring, respectful, curious, motivated to try new things, open-minded and so much more. Again, as you live your authentic life, you cannot help but adhere to your core values. This is the chain that has no weakest link! It is all you!
When you are that chain that has no weakest link, you are a soul who emits a lot of positive energy. So much so, that others can feel it and see it in your eyes. People want to be with you because you give off so much positive energy and that includes your wonderful smile and sparkling eyes. With that in mind, there is so much that you can do and accomplish in this world.
There is no doubt that you will meet more and more people who emit that same kind of positive energy. More and more friends will come your way that feel and think the same way that you do. So many, that one of them will even be your man of your dreams: the man for whom you’ve been searching all your life! He will love you for who you are. He will accept you for all your parts including your faults and little ticks! He will love you for all of that and be grateful to have you. You will be with a man who is intimate, sexy, loving, caring, open-minded and all of the things that make you who you are. He will be your soulmate and you will find such love and happiness that will be not doubled by having a partner, but exponentially because love added to love continually increases to so much more.
Grant, you are an amazing person and the world is lucky to have you there. Always remember that you are a gift and that so many other beings out there benefit from your energetic attraction and love.
Carpe diem!