Holidays can be hard. They are most often portrayed as a wonderful time of year full of love, and giving. A time to be together with the people that you love. A time to reflect, to give thanks, and to recognize all the good things that surround you each and every day. Unfortunately, that isnāt how it is for everyone around the holidays. It isnāt always like that for me.
I love my family. I love them more than I could say. That doesnāt make me immune to the difficulties that can arise when you spend time with relatives. For my extended family, Thanksgiving the our big holiday. We all spend the 4th Thursday of November together and allow Christmas to be reserved for our immediate families along with our relatives on the other side of our family (This is my fatherās side of the family). That being said, Thanksgiving is a huge affair for us. Our family has grown to around 25 people, and we take it very seriously. Everyone has the specific items that they always bring. At least one person will always be late. Several people will stop by after already having attended a thanksgiving meal that day. And often, there is a surprise visitor, someone we didnāt think would be able to make it. For a very long time now, Thanksgiving has been my favorite holiday because of all these reasons, and so many more. However, so many years now, this has been changing.
With my better understanding of myself and my brain, I think I have finally accepted the fact that even though I love my family dearly, and enjoy spending time with them, its not all good. More and more I find myself zoning out when Iām with them. I get so lost in the madness that we create. I canāt find where I belong. And if Iām honest with myself this started a long time ago. When my cousins started bringing girlfriends and boyfriends, then fiancĆ©/es, spouses, and eventually children to Thanksgiving dinner, I started to feel disconnected. With the exception of my oldest cousin, we are all within 4 1/2 years of each other. 6 cousins all born within 4 1/2 years of each other. We were close. We are close. I guess seeing them fall in love over the years, left me feeling that I was doing something wrong. Why havenāt ever had a boyfriend to introduce to the family? Seeing them seemingly grow up faster than me left me feeling out of place. This leads to anxieties and worries about myself, about my future, and about what my family thinks of me.Ā
Thankfully, I still enjoy spending time with my family and always look forward to thanksgiving dinner, but I also know now that my evening will be tinged with anxiety. I am able to minimize the effects of anxiety to a few hazy moments lost in the din of 25 people trying to tell a yearās worth of news in one evening, but I believe that it is occurring more often now than it used to, or perhaps I am simply more aware of it now. I think worse than the lost moments are the moments when my family remind me that its ok to be on the path that I am on. I know they are just trying to reassure me, but it comes across first and foremost as a remind of how different I am. Two of my cousins are planning when they want to be pregnant next, and Iām planning a vacation. One cousin is getting ready to start a new career doing something she loves and I am trying to not get fired from myĀ āfor nowā job. My younger cousin is mapping out when and how he will buy a house, and Iām just hoping that I can make it through a year with the same roommate. My life is in such a different place than all of theirs, and I know that there is nothing wrong with that, but how am I supposed to fit in with them when we have nothing in common?
I guess I will just have to find solace in the knowledge that I belong with them, if only in the fact that we share the same blood. They will always be my family and I will always love them, no matter how crazy. And I truly feel blessed to have such a large and loving family.Ā