One Awkward Day At a Time

It is my greatest hope that in sharing my experience I can help others along the way. Stay inspired. Keep moving. Spread love.

[maureen2musings]

Jacaranda trees

dr._arboretum_forest_

[landsccape]

[astrolugo]

[overanalyzinglifesince1992]

Tortillas

Last night, like many nights, I felt a longing to be with my grandmother, who now has Alzheimers. I haven't seen her face in months, and even though somewhere in her soul she knows she loves me, she often doesn't remember who I am.

The feeling came to me while I was strolling through the grocery store and meandering through the Latin American/International section. I felt a panic come over me when I noticed they no longer carried the pre-made masa mix and it was at that moment I wished I had asked her for her tortilla recipe while she still remembered it.

I made my way over to the baking aisle and stared at the bags of flour,  lingering for a little too long as I let myself get lost in the memory of her rolling the masa into what seemed like perfect circles. I can still remember the sound of the rolling pin hitting the counter and the dough being flipped over periodically so it spread evenly.

I always loved to watch her and tried to roll my own smaller tortillas next to her. Mine always seemed to come out in odd shapes which would upset me so she eventually gave me dinosaur cutouts so I would continue to have fun.

I bought a bag of flour only to come home and realize I had done this before - in the cupboard, I found an unopened bag of flour and the pre-made masa I was looking for earlier. I let out a slightly painful laugh to myself as I was reminded of how often I think of her and that I too forget things.

As I rolled out my attempt at masa on the counter, the smell transported me back to her old house on King Rd. I remembered dishes being piled up on the counter opposite of the sink because it was too small to fit them and she didn't always have the energy to get to them after work. I remembered the light coming in from the kitchen window and watching my uncle burn the garbage in the back - because that's what you did in the middle of nowhere. I remembered her singing the chorus to Johnny Angel by Shelley Fabares while she flipped the tortillas on the hot comal without burning her fingers. I remembered thinking to myself, "Someday I will be grown up enough to flip the tortillas and I will use my fingers too."

Standing in my own kitchen, I dipped my knife into butter and spread it across the fresh tortillas, which still didn't quite seem as good or as circular. With each bite, I thought about the twelve dollar smoothies, protein powders, and wellness recipes I gravitate toward today, and how far from my culture I feel. 

Although my friends and I often discuss the health benefits of certain foods and what to do to have the most energy, I would give it all up for one more afternoon of my grandmother handing me a buttered tortilla as a snack. 

[overanalyzinglifesince1992]

[gothredy]

[livelymorgue]

Jan. 20, 1994: “Time Out From a Higher Calling,” read a title on this photograph alongside a story about a group of East Harlem nuns originally from France. Sister Marie Chantal, leaping, and Sister Marie Francesca worked out at the Tae Kwon Do Academy at 828 Ninth Avenue. “The fact that we know tae kwon do doesn’t change anything,” Mother Marie Martha, the group’s mother superior told David Gonzalez, the reporter. “It’s just a sport.“Photo: Jack Manning/The New York Times

[decophotolove]

1992. Central Park, New York.

[loo-nuh-tik]

Dracula: A Love Tale (2025) dir. Luc Besson

[freshmoviequotes]

Dracula: A Love Tale (2025)

[overanalyzinglifesince1992]

[overanalyzinglifesince1992]

[mightierthanthecanon]

I'll do whatever you tell me to do.

Babygirl (2024) dir. Halina Reijn

[overanalyzinglifesince1992]

Courage

It is in the small things we see it.

The child's first step,

as awesome as an earthquake.

The first time you rode a bike,

wallowing up the sidewalk.

The first spanking when your heart

went on a journey all alone.

When they called you crybaby

or poor or fatty or crazy

and made you into an alien,

you drank their acid

and concealed it.

Later,

if you faced the death of bombs and bullets

you did not do it with a banner,

you did it with only a hat to

comver your heart.

You did not fondle the weakness inside you

though it was there.

Your courage was a small coal

that you kept swallowing.

If your buddy saved you

and died himself in so doing,

then his courage was not courage,

it was love; love as simple as shaving soap.

Later,

if you have endured a great despair,

then you did it alone,

getting a transfusion from the fire,

picking the scabs off your heart,

then wringing it out like a sock.

Next, my kinsman, you powdered your sorrow,

you gave it a back rub

and then you covered it with a blanket

and after it had slept a while

it woke to the wings of the roses

and was transformed.

Later,

when you face old age and its natural conclusion

your courage will still be shown in the little ways,

each spring will be a sword you'll sharpen,

those you love will live in a fever of love,

and you'll bargain with the calendar

and at the last moment

when death opens the back door

you'll put on your carpet slippers

and stride out.

[overanalyzinglifesince1992]

Medicine Bow National Forest

[overanalyzinglifesince1992]

“Let go of people who are not prepared to love you. This is the hardest thing you will have to do in your life and it will also be the most important thing. Stop having hard conversations with people who don’t want change. Stop showing up for people who have no interest in your presence. I know your instinct is to do everything to earn the appreciation of those around you, but it’s a boost that steals your time, energy, mental and physical health.

When you begin to fight for a life with joy, interest and commitment, not everyone will be ready to follow you in this place. This doesn’t mean you need to change what you are, it means you should let go of the people who aren’t ready to accompany you. If you are excluded, insulted, forgotten or ignored by the people you give your time to, you don’t do yourself a favor by continuing to offer your energy and your life. The truth is that you are not for everyone and not everyone is for you. That’s what makes it so special when you meet people who reciprocate love. You will know how precious you are.

The more time you spend trying to make yourself loved by someone who is unable to, the more time you waste depriving yourself of the possibility of this connection to someone else. There are billions of people on this planet and many of them will meet with you at your level of interest and commitment.

The more you stay involved with people who use you as a pillow, a background option or a therapist for emotional healing, the longer you stay away from the community you want. Maybe if you stop showing up, you won’t be wanted. Maybe if you stop trying, the relationship will end. Maybe if you stop texting your phone will stay dark for weeks. That doesn’t mean you ruined the relationship, it means the only thing holding it back was the energy that only you gave to keep it. This is not love, it’s attachment. It’s wanting to give a chance to those who don’t deserve it. You deserve so much, there are people who should not be in your life. The most valuable thing you have in your life is your time and energy, and both are limited. When you give your time and energy, it will define your existence.

When you realize this, you begin to understand why you are so anxious when you spend time with people, in activities, places or situations that don’t suit you and shouldn’t be around you, your energy is stolen. You will begin to realize that the most important thing you can do for yourself and for everyone around you is to protect your energy more fiercely than anything else. Make your life a safe haven, in which only ′′compatible′′ people are allowed. You are not responsible for saving anyone. You are not responsible for convincing them to improve. It’s not your work to exist for people and give your life to them! If you feel bad, if you feel compelled, you will be the root of all your problems, fearing that they will not return the favours you have granted. It’s your only obligation to realize that you are the love of your destiny and accept the love you deserve.

Decide that you deserve true friendship, commitment, true and complete love with healthy and prosperous people. Then wait and see how much everything begins to change. Don’t waste time with people who are not worth it. Change will give you the love, the esteem, happiness and the protection you deserve.”

[unaliveish]

christian mackenzie heckle