[overheardonthebridge]

Y/N: For a lifeform with no discernible central nervous system, it displays a remarkable level of... malevolence. It's the conniving villain of the mycelial world.

Spock: Villainy implies motive and intent. This organism is merely following its biological imperative to consume organic matter. To assign it a personality is an illogical anthropomorphism.

Y/N: Mr. Spock, it just tried to dissolve my duranium probe with a burst of acid. If that isn't a personality, it's at the very least a bad attitude.

Spock: A chemical reaction is not an attitude. And may I remind you that your 'conniving villain' is currently secreting enzymes that could liquefy your internal organs. Perhaps you should focus less on its character and more on its chemistry.

Y/N: Right. Less poetry, more staying un-liquefied. Understood.

[overheardonthebridge]

Spock: Your posture indicates a muscular tension inconsistent with a state of relaxation. Are you unwell?

Y/N: No, I'm fine. I'm just more accustomed to being out in the field covered in mud than being this clean and formal. This whole event is a bit outside my ecosystem.

Spock: I can relate. The custom of "mingling" is inefficient. It consists primarily of redundant inquiries and the public consumption of suboptimal nutrients.

Y/N: You too? You always look so… detached. In a good way! Like you're observing it all from a place of serene, logical superiority.

Spock: A projection. Internally, I am calculating the atmospheric refraction index of the Tellarite ambassador’s glass and trying to avoid engaging in a debate about freighter tariffs.

Y/N: That’s brilliant. A mental field study. My technique is to try and identify the genus and species of all the floral arrangements. That one is a Cygnian Orchid. Highly toxic if ingested.

Spock: A practical application of your expertise.

*He glances around the room then back to Y/N*

Spock: I have concluded my required social interactions for this quadrant of the hour. A tactical retreat to the observation deck would permit us to observe celestial phenomena, a far more logical use of our time.

Y/N: Spock, are you asking me to skip this party to go look at stars?

Spock: I am stating that the view of the Makaran Nebula is more stimulating than this gathering. You are free to draw your own conclusions.

Y/N: My conclusion is that you’re the most interesting person at this party. Lead the way.

[overheardonthebridge]

Spock: The object is exhibiting quantum fluctuations that defy our current understanding. It is prudent to assume it may react to any external stimuli unpredictably and, perhaps, violently.

*He turns from the console, his expression severe. He addresses everyone, but his eyes find and lock onto Y/N.*

Spock: Therefore, all standard containment protocols apply. No unscheduled scans, no unauthorized proximity, and under absolutely no circumstances is anyone to... poke it.

Y/N: Mr. Spock?

Spock: Ensign.

Y/N: Is there a reason that you said the word "poke" while looking directly at me?

Spock: A coincidence. My gaze was merely sweeping the room to ensure all personnel acknowledged the directive.

La'an: Your sweep did seem to pause on the Ensign. Right around the verb.

Spock: I concede the possibility. The memory of a certain other incident may have… influenced my delivery.

[overheardonthebridge]

La'an: Ensign Y/L/N. A word.

Y/N: Of course, to what do I owe the-

La'an: I was reviewing the preliminary report you filed on the last mission. Why does it list your title as "Strategic Acquisitions and Esprit de Corps Specialist"?

Y/N: Oh, that! Well, I felt "Ensign" was a bit restrictive. Didn't capture the full scope of my contributions to the mission.

La'an: *Stares in silence for five full seconds* Your "scope" is about to be restricted to the aft plasma conduits. With a particle brush.

Y/N: ...So that's a no on the new title, then. Got it.

[overheardonthebridge]

Y/N: *In a low, dramatic narrator's voice, watching Spock* The Vulcan, an island of stoic logic in a sea of chaotic emotion, moved with a singular purpose. His mission, etched into his very soul: to acquire the perfect cup of tea.

Pike: *Trying to sip his coffee without laughing* Y/N, stop narrating the crew.

Y/N: I can't help it, Captain. It's a character study. Notice the precise, economical movements. The utter lack of hesitation. This is a man who has calculated the optimal path to the replicator down to the millimeter.

Spock: I must critique you on two points. First, the objective of my 'quest' was Plomeek broth, not tea. Second for someone who claims to be a 'professional observer' you failed to observe. Had you engaged your senses rather than your imagination, the aromatic signature would have been an unmistakable clue.

Spock: Your story requires a more attentive author.

Y/N: Oh my god. He critiqued me!

La'an: He just called you a bad observer and you're happy about it?

Y/N: Happy? I'm ecstatic! He didn't just dismiss it, he engaged with it. He gave me specific, actionable feedback! This is infinitely more valuable than silent observation. The subject is editing my work! This is gold!

[overheardonthebridge]

Y/N: *Looking from his hand on their wrist to his impassive face* Honestly, Spock.

Spock: Ensign?

Y/N: I am beginning to believe you are only truly content when you are physically restraining me from scientific discovery.

Spock: My contentment is irrelevant. Your safety is not. Tricorder readings indicate that flower emits a class-four neurotoxin upon tactile contact.

Y/N: *Sighs, deflating slightly* So, there is no way of getting a petal to press for my mission scrapbook?

Spock: That would be an inadvisable, and likely final, course of action.

[overheardonthebridge]

Y/N: I appreciate the attention, but I have no time for this. I have mission parameters to review.

Spock: What you have is a Class-Two bio-laceration that requires 90 seconds of uninterrupted cellular regeneration. The mission parameters will not significantly alter in that time.

Y/N: But what if they do? What if there's a critical new variable? A footnote?

M'Benga: I am confident you'll be better equipped to analyze it with two fully functional arms. Now, kindly hold still.

[overheardonthebridge]

Y/N: It's beautiful! Look at the iridescent sheen on its fur. It is completely docile according to the tricorder. I'm going to try and get a dermal scan up close.

Spock: Tricorders assess biological markers, Ensign. They do not assess temperament. Maintain your distance.

Y/N: The position of its eyes indicate a pray animal. It is clearly more afraid of us than we are of it. Basic xenobiological theory suggests a non-threatening approach could establish trust.

Spock: It also possesses three-inch, serrated fangs.

Y/N: For... chewing... tough roots! A fascinating evolutionary adaptation for a creature with such a gentle disposition!

*As if on cue, the creature looks up, hisses violently, and spits a viscous green liquid that sizzles and melts a patch of moss a few feet from them. It then goes back to nibbling.*

Spock: *Deadpan* Curious. That appears to be a root-chewing technique I have never previously encountered.

[overheardonthebridge]

Erica: So, how was the "geologically fascinating" moon?

Y/N: Absolutely sublime! The tectonic instability is even more pronounced than the long-range scans suggested. We were nearly bisected by a fissure opening directly beneath our feet. The sheer power was breathtaking! I managed to secure a seismic sample mid-event.

Erica: You were- wait, for real? Spock?

Spock: The Ensign’s description is… enthusiastic. However, the sequence of events they recount is accurate. The period of acute jeopardy lasted precisely 4.7 seconds.

Y/N: And what a 4.7 seconds! Spock’s processing speed is astounding. He calculated the fissure’s propagation vector and my subsequent trajectory into the chasm in less than a second and repositioned me It was a flawless execution of applied physics. He was magnificent.

Spock: They were prioritizing a geological sample over their own immediate safety. To allow both the Ensign and the sample to be lost would have been an inefficient and illogical outcome.

Erica: You two are, like, the weirdest, most effective science duo I have ever met.