I donāt know why Iāve been wanting to write so much and why Iāve been having so many thoughts like these recently. I blame the stupid thing that popped up on my fyp. it was basically a collective reading of tarot cards and no matter how much I think of it, I canāt seem to understand how it could be generic like most of the zodiac advice or whatever that people give. It seemed really really weirdly specific to my situation. And obviously it wasnāt directed to me because it was Ā a collective reading on freaking tiktok but still.
Basically, in the reading, she said she sensed tensions between a Capricorn and a Leo and the reading showed that the Cap did something really bad to the leo and it caused massive shifts in the relationship and the Cap felt really bad but wasnāt apologizing or fixing it because they thinkĀ āhow could i possibly fix thisā andĀ āwhat mst the leo be thinking of meā and basically theyāre self pitying. and she also found that the cap still had extremely strong feelings that they were hiding and they found it amazing and mind blowing that even after everything they did, the leo still loved them that much and gave them that much of themselves. and they found that inspiring and it made them want to come back.
i donāt know what to do. i find myself stuck. part of me still hopes that he comes back. part of me wants him to. desperately. the other part of me just wants to forget all this and move on and just be happy again, whatever or however it might be. iām finding it difficult to understand what to do. what should i do? i canāt ask anybody. the only thing thatās actually making me want to potentially wait and continue hoping is that a lot of my friends that are close to me believe that this is not what he wanted and he was kind of forced to make this choice. i still love him, iāve never denied that. but is waiting worth the pain? is moving on worth the agony? i canāt stay in the middle anymore. i did for a long time and unfortunately that timeās run out. i think, if itās possible, iāll stay in the middle until february and once i know heās left town, iāll be able to move on. but while heās here, while heās so close, it will be nearly impossible for me to move on or go back.
A letter to him, hopefully my last:
I love you. I always have. When we first met each other and properly spoke, it felt like I finally found a missing part of me. You took that part of me right back when you broke things off. For some reason, I still feel like weāre soulmates. Maybe everything thatās happened makes you think otherwise. I donāt know. What I wonāt do in this letter is tell you that you were wrong or other people in your life were wrong. I wonāt blame. I wonāt explicitly state what I think happened. Iāll keep it to the facts.
The facts are that you were my soulmate in every sense of the word. We bonded, we loved, we cried, we laughed, we lied, we fought, but we still loved. It was the base of our foundation: the love and the trust. And most of all, the friendship. The sad thing is that we will never find that friendship in anyone else ever again. I may never fall in love the way I fell in love with you. I may never be the person I was with you. You may never find someone you love as intensely as you loved me. You may never find a best friend in your partners the way you had me.
The fact is that you loved me until the day you sent me the breakup text and many days after. The fact is that you let others hurt me. You let people put allegations against me, whether they were true or false. The fact is, you let people spread rumors about me. The fact is that you let them. Itās not a blame game. I did many things wrong as well. But one thing is true: whatever wrongs I did, it was out of love and affection for you. My intentions were pure and I never hated you or spread rumors about you. I loved you, still do. I donāt know how a relationship like ours blossomed into deathly hatred but I hope you know how much that hurts. It hurts that you might think of me badly when all I had in my heart was love for you. Hope for us. Nevertheless, it is my duty to apologize to you. Because I was never perfect. Neither were you. But somehow our imperfections matched perfectly and we made each other whole. For whatever reason, others saw our imperfections as harmful, but you and I both know that 1.5 year with harmful imperfections wouldnāt have rendered us so much happiness and love.
Our relationship turned stale overnight. Tell me why because I donāt know anything.
Koushik, you made the stars shine in the daytime for me. And the next night, you made the sun bleed. You took away my heart, my very breath of life. You took away my everything. I have lost myself the million times that I tried to gain you back. Even now, I wonder if thereās a chance you will come back after your upanaynam. I wonder if youāll fight everyone who hurts our relationship and youāll come back to me. I wonder if you have a plan. I wonder if youāre strong enough to execute that plan. Maybe not because I canāt see you going against your father. I want to believe in you but youāve not given me any indications that you have any plan. As silly as it sounds, I feel it in every bone in my body: you still love me. You donāt smile the same, your eyes look horribly sad, dark circles under your eyes. Your hair is short and youāve grown out your beard even though you find it itchy. Even before I saw you, I knew this: you love me. Maybe you donāt even know it yourself. Knowing you, that isnāt a stretch.
But Koushik, love is not enough. Not now. Not when thereās nothing left except love. Lots has happened and Iāve forgiven it all, even if you think you are right and donāt even need to apologize. If you feel wronged, I donāt know what to say. If you feel that you have done the right thing and I am all those things people say about me, then I donāt know what to say. The people around me said a million bad things about you, and I canāt decide whether I should believe them. Some say our love was fake, you just wanted a hookup, a girl to call yours. Some say you were the one who told your dad you wanted to break it off and he swooped to your rescue. I donāt know what the truth is. What I do know is that youāre not the kind of person to intentionally drag out a relationship just for the hell of it. Iām sorry, but if all those things are true then youāre a monster worse than Hiranyakashipu. But for some reason, my heart wonāt accept those things about you. I still believe in you even if you may not believe in my purity.
So...yes. I still love you. I forgive you (even if you think you have done nothing wrong). The rumors, the allegations, the pain, the torture, the lies, the anger, the text breakup. All of it. Forgiven. In exchange, I hope youāll remember me as I was when we were happy together, not entangled in this useless family drama. A soulmate. Yours. Maybe one day Iāll be able to forget myself as all that. Until then, Iāll love you. Until then, Iāll forgive you. Until then, Iāll remember you as you were not as you are now. A shy boy with cute dimples, forever mine, always mine. My soulmate, my best friend, the love of my life.
Thank you for the best years of my life so far. I hope you have better years. And I pray I do too. Thank you for being a patient soulmate. Iām sorry we didnāt work out. If you want us to, Iāll be here until I canāt anymore.
tangentwithtanner
jbbartram-illu
jacobvanloon
annaxmalina
theartofmadeline