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@overthinker-overfeeler
Hi I am Ai!!! I draw BTS and whales!!! šš
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This is so crazy. I know Iām over it. Yet here I am, nearly 11 months later and it still kinda hurts when I think of him for too long. Yet here I am sometimes still dreaming of him. I donāt compare our progress anymore. In my eyes, if he got over me faster, it means he loved me less. But I do wonder sometimes if he thinks of me the way I think of him- without malice, without any negativity in my heart, without doubt that what we had was real even if it was only a tiny % real. I wonder if he regrets anything. Then I wonder if I do. I know ultimately I needed a man and not a boy. I know ultimately he couldnāt give me what I wanted- unconditional love. But I think I would have put up with anything if his parents had cared a little more about me. Or perhaps if he had asked them to care a little more about me.
Somebody asked me the other day why it happened this way. I told them the short of it: his dad wanted us to get married in India. And they just looked at me completely blankly before saying ābut you guys canāt go to india right? Why couldnāt they adjust and understand that?ā I just shrugged it off. But it made me realize.
You know I thought I would hate that man a year later. But somehow I donāt. I canāt agree with his actions. I canāt agree with his words. But I understand what others say now- he clocked out of the relationship long before I thought to. Or maybe he didnāt, maybe he really did want to salvage this. He did say we would talk later once things cool down. But maybe he just couldnāt.
I just find it weird that so many months later Iām still affected by him. So many months later and I looked at a photos by accident and thought he looks good. Iām glad. His hair looks great. Better than before. That noustache and beard need to go though- he looks like an uncle. A weird creepy uncle. But I feel better now. I think writing helps. But I think more importantly it helps to realize that Iām okay. Iām happy. I look great too. I...I love myself now. So fully that nobody can bring me down. Not she who spreads rumors about me. Not he who encourages her. Nor he who broke me. I may not be all fixed up. But Iām nicely tucked in with a ribbon on. Iām happy. finally.
Healing. Healed.
GREEN CARTOON AESTHETIC
Sad. Stressed. Canāt sleep. I just want everything to be okay. Please Krishna. Make everything okay.
I wanted to write all this somewhere but didnāt know where. Snapchat is talking not really writing and Instagram is risky, I donāt know who will see it. And I donāt wanna bother youna and Kirti and Caleb AGAIN after like weeks of messaging them and crying and their advice. So I thought Iāll write it here instead...where nobody will see it.
My heart hurts. I donāt know how to get rid of this feeling. I donāt know how to be okay. It took me months and months to get to this point and I feel as though Iām regressing. As though Iām going back to the feelings right after the breakup. I donāt think I can be okay this way. I donāt know how to heal from this. I show one face to the world and then I cry in the shower. Why canāt I be okay like him? I heard heās traveling, spreading rumors about me, and enjoying his life. According to some people, heās closer than ever to his family so he doesnāt think theyāve done anything wrong obviously. I feel like if I was in his place and my father had spread rumors about him or my father had said āhow will you live with that kind of person after marriage?ā Or ālook how quiet he is, heāll never stand up for youā (because his father told him ālook how controlling and aggressive she isā and I had to make a choice to end things, I would be so angry with my parents. Even though I know they want the best for me, I would still be angry that they influenced what I thought was best for me.
Why canāt I be like that? Be unbelievably happy, not even remembering him or any of the memories or feeling any kind of pain or sadness? Why do I still cry at every memory, at every feeling, at every turn? A single treasure and I break into a thousand pieces. And the next 10 days, I put myself together. Only for me to break again.
I donāt know why Iāve been wanting to write so much and why Iāve been having so many thoughts like these recently. I blame the stupid thing that popped up on my fyp. it was basically a collective reading of tarot cards and no matter how much I think of it, I canāt seem to understand how it could be generic like most of the zodiac advice or whatever that people give. It seemed really really weirdly specific to my situation. And obviously it wasnāt directed to me because it was Ā a collective reading on freaking tiktok but still.
Basically, in the reading, she said she sensed tensions between a Capricorn and a Leo and the reading showed that the Cap did something really bad to the leo and it caused massive shifts in the relationship and the Cap felt really bad but wasnāt apologizing or fixing it because they thinkĀ āhow could i possibly fix thisā andĀ āwhat mst the leo be thinking of meā and basically theyāre self pitying. and she also found that the cap still had extremely strong feelings that they were hiding and they found it amazing and mind blowing that even after everything they did, the leo still loved them that much and gave them that much of themselves. and they found that inspiring and it made them want to come back.
i donāt know what to do. i find myself stuck. part of me still hopes that he comes back. part of me wants him to. desperately. the other part of me just wants to forget all this and move on and just be happy again, whatever or however it might be. iām finding it difficult to understand what to do. what should i do? i canāt ask anybody. the only thing thatās actually making me want to potentially wait and continue hoping is that a lot of my friends that are close to me believe that this is not what he wanted and he was kind of forced to make this choice. i still love him, iāve never denied that. but is waiting worth the pain? is moving on worth the agony? i canāt stay in the middle anymore. i did for a long time and unfortunately that timeās run out. i think, if itās possible, iāll stay in the middle until february and once i know heās left town, iāll be able to move on. but while heās here, while heās so close, it will be nearly impossible for me to move on or go back.
i wish love was easier.
A letter to him, hopefully my last:
My dear Koushik,
I love you. I always have. When we first met each other and properly spoke, it felt like I finally found a missing part of me. You took that part of me right back when you broke things off. For some reason, I still feel like weāre soulmates. Maybe everything thatās happened makes you think otherwise. I donāt know. What I wonāt do in this letter is tell you that you were wrong or other people in your life were wrong. I wonāt blame. I wonāt explicitly state what I think happened. Iāll keep it to the facts.
The facts are that you were my soulmate in every sense of the word. We bonded, we loved, we cried, we laughed, we lied, we fought, but we still loved. It was the base of our foundation: the love and the trust. And most of all, the friendship. The sad thing is that we will never find that friendship in anyone else ever again. I may never fall in love the way I fell in love with you. I may never be the person I was with you. You may never find someone you love as intensely as you loved me. You may never find a best friend in your partners the way you had me.
The fact is that you loved me until the day you sent me the breakup text and many days after. The fact is that you let others hurt me. You let people put allegations against me, whether they were true or false. The fact is, you let people spread rumors about me. The fact is that you let them. Itās not a blame game. I did many things wrong as well. But one thing is true: whatever wrongs I did, it was out of love and affection for you. My intentions were pure and I never hated you or spread rumors about you. I loved you, still do. I donāt know how a relationship like ours blossomed into deathly hatred but I hope you know how much that hurts. It hurts that you might think of me badly when all I had in my heart was love for you. Hope for us. Nevertheless, it is my duty to apologize to you. Because I was never perfect. Neither were you. But somehow our imperfections matched perfectly and we made each other whole. For whatever reason, others saw our imperfections as harmful, but you and I both know that 1.5 year with harmful imperfections wouldnāt have rendered us so much happiness and love.
Our relationship turned stale overnight. Tell me why because I donāt know anything.
Koushik, you made the stars shine in the daytime for me. And the next night, you made the sun bleed. You took away my heart, my very breath of life. You took away my everything. I have lost myself the million times that I tried to gain you back. Even now, I wonder if thereās a chance you will come back after your upanaynam. I wonder if youāll fight everyone who hurts our relationship and youāll come back to me. I wonder if you have a plan. I wonder if youāre strong enough to execute that plan. Maybe not because I canāt see you going against your father. I want to believe in you but youāve not given me any indications that you have any plan. As silly as it sounds, I feel it in every bone in my body: you still love me. You donāt smile the same, your eyes look horribly sad, dark circles under your eyes. Your hair is short and youāve grown out your beard even though you find it itchy. Even before I saw you, I knew this: you love me. Maybe you donāt even know it yourself. Knowing you, that isnāt a stretch.
But Koushik, love is not enough. Not now. Not when thereās nothing left except love. Lots has happened and Iāve forgiven it all, even if you think you are right and donāt even need to apologize. If you feel wronged, I donāt know what to say. If you feel that you have done the right thing and I am all those things people say about me, then I donāt know what to say. The people around me said a million bad things about you, and I canāt decide whether I should believe them. Some say our love was fake, you just wanted a hookup, a girl to call yours. Some say you were the one who told your dad you wanted to break it off and he swooped to your rescue. I donāt know what the truth is. What I do know is that youāre not the kind of person to intentionally drag out a relationship just for the hell of it. Iām sorry, but if all those things are true then youāre a monster worse than Hiranyakashipu. But for some reason, my heart wonāt accept those things about you. I still believe in you even if you may not believe in my purity.
So...yes. I still love you. I forgive you (even if you think you have done nothing wrong). The rumors, the allegations, the pain, the torture, the lies, the anger, the text breakup. All of it. Forgiven. In exchange, I hope youāll remember me as I was when we were happy together, not entangled in this useless family drama. A soulmate. Yours. Maybe one day Iāll be able to forget myself as all that. Until then, Iāll love you. Until then, Iāll forgive you. Until then, Iāll remember you as you were not as you are now. A shy boy with cute dimples, forever mine, always mine. My soulmate, my best friend, the love of my life.
Thank you for the best years of my life so far. I hope you have better years. And I pray I do too. Thank you for being a patient soulmate. Iām sorry we didnāt work out. If you want us to, Iāll be here until I canāt anymore.
Love,
Bunny
Happy New Year (kind of)
One more day left for the new year. And I still have old pains. I donāt know why but it really feels like Iām leaving this relationship in 2021 and moving to the next year and that feels so weird to me. Iām used to him. Iāll admit it, I still love him. I still very much love him. Yes, my heart aches. It aches so bad. So so so bad. I still have this really weird feeling and hope that maybe heāll come back from india after his upanaynam and heāll come back and say he needed to finish that or idk...something. Maybe heāll realize what actually went down. Maybe heāll think of things from my point of view. Maybe heāll care. Maybe heāll love.
I still have that hope, which is why my heart hurts. I donāt want it to hurt anymore. I just...I donāt want these memories. It feels like what I think dying might feel like: a reel of memories just assaulting and playing rapidly in my head. I just want this to be over. I want to be okay, I donāt want to remember...it hurts. I donāt want to hurt anymore. I keep remembering FaceTiming him and his compliments and sweet words, his misty eyes, his soft smile, his dimples. I miss seeing his face first on New Years. I miss my soulmate...I want him back. And at the same time I think maybe we could never be together again. Not because I donāt want to but how could we ever get through that? How could he? I sways believed in him. I believed in him 2000%
But he couldnāt do it. And maybe now he never can. Or never will.
I need to just be happy. How can I do that when my happiness is now my nightmare? Heās letting people spread rumors about me, heās letting people hurt me, heās hurting me himself...How can I still love him? Why do I still love him?
I donāt want to hate him. I just donāt want to hurt anymore.
So Iāve decided. Iām going to leave the hurt behind. Iām going to leave this pain behind this year. For the next 2.5 hours, Iām going to let myself all the pain, all the hurt, feel all the tears and all the feelings. And the minute it strikes midnight, Iāll remember myself at the lotus feet of the Lord. Iām going to be okay. Iām going to be okay.
Thought deeply about something. I wish I could make him understand but whatās the point. I never wanted to turn him against his dad. I just wanted him to stand up for whatās right. His dad himself admitted to multiple people that he wasnāt happy with the relationship and didnāt actually want the marriage and accepted only because his son insisted. And then for him to come out and blame me and spread lies and rumors about me. I donāt understand why he canāt see his fathers intentions? Itās one thing to break the relationship and entire another to spread rumors or allow others to spread rumors
The truth is my heart is still broken. Iām trying to heal it. But every once in a while the stitches tear
somehow i know today will be difficult. itās his birthday today. i debated posting a picture of a cake. but i wondered what the point of that is. to show him i still care? why? when all heās done is give me hatred, allow people to spread rumors about me, abandon me, believe lies about me, and choose to hurt me. then why? why show him I care? Iāve never been the type to care in silence. iāve always shown my affection and shown my interest and given whole heartedly. i wore my heart on my sleeve and i think that was my biggest mistake. people took advantage of that. so instead...iāll post it here.
happy birthday baby...i miss you. but i hope you have a wonderful day.
i still havenāt decided what to do with myself. if i should truly move on or wait for him. wait not in the sense that iāll put my life on hold. but wait in the sense that i wonāt take the chance at love if it comes again. wait as in keep trying to reach out through whatever soulmate connection we have. at this point...i think the best thing for me is to keep my head together and realize that the soulmate connection was destroyed by koushik. so if he wants something, he needs to get it. what iām going to do is focus on myself. focus on my growth. love him from afar until the day i stop loving him. maybe to stop loving him will be as easy as starting to loving him.
Itās getting closer to a day where he was my everything and I did the best I could to make him happiest ever. Gifts, love, tons and tons of affection. He liked getting but didnāt like giving. Maybe he liked giving gifts because it was easy. But affection...giving that when your own family stands against you is never easy. And he took the easy way out and chose to stop giving it.
āSheās controlling.ā āSheās aggressive.ā āSheās manipulative.ā You know the funniest thing? There are people in his life 10x all that but they chose to gaslight me. Make me feel guilty but the reality is I was none of that. Well...maybe aggressive. But if youāre going to count all the bad things I was I got a list a million miles long. Relationships arenāt about the million bad things, itās about the ten million good things. You think his dad looks at his mom and finds all the negatives? Well maybe he does, I really donāt like his dad. Anyways...the more I talk to some people the more I realize Iām not a bad person. I am lovable. I am strong. I am beautiful. I am worth it. I am everything they said I am and thatās why Iām amazing.
I was controlling right? Thatās why I never forced him to come with us on trips (I begged and I begged and when he didnāt listen I cried and I cried but I never said āyouāre coming thatās final.ā I have him a choice). Controlling right? Thatās why I told him which shoes to wear and how much money to spend and how much to donate and where to go and what to buy and how to do what he has to do...oh wait no thatās his dad. Aggressive right? Thatās why I told him Iāll wait for him till forever and always. Aggressive right? Thatās why I angrily and in frustration cried when it seemed like he was out of love with me. Thatās aggressive? Crying and getting angry for someone for not choosing to be with you? Aggressive right? Thatās why I begged. Aggressive right? Thatās why I cried. Because aggressive people cry. Thatās not aggressive, thatās justfied anger. Manipulative right? Thatās why I told him Iāll support whatever decision you make. Manipulative right? Thatās why I told him my biggest weaknesses and thanked him for understanding. Manipulative right? Thatās why I cried a hundred times when he said it was his fault, begging him not to think like that it really wasnāt his fault. Manipulative right? Thatās why I forgave him for something he never even considered a mistake.
No. I was none of those things. I wish...well if Koushik had sense of self-control and independence he would have realized I am none of that. And if he has realized it and chooses to let me continue being gaslit and rumors to be spread then heās just as bad as everyone says he is. If heās not then heās still just as bad because even 1.5 years with him and he couldnāt recognize his own loverās reality. And if he realizes it and is working on it then I guess heās worth forgiving. My life...it really was ruined when he hurt me like that. Thinking back on it now it wasnāt dramaticism or over action how could his dad even say that wtf. Like yeah sorry Iām upset your son literally broke my MARRIAGE under YOUR guidance with ZERO remorse (because you told RKP that you were proud of your son for making that decision). Like man how screwed up is this family.
Anyways. Merry Christmas lol.
does he know? does he know that the people he clings on to so tightly are the ones who are now spreading rumors about me? does he know? his father. his father went and told others about my weaknesses, saying i threatened koushik when all i had in my heart for him was love. does he know? that mataji that shows him so much love and affection now, assuring him he did nothing wrong. does he know that mataji showed me the same affection? called him and his family demons for leaving me like this? does he know she now spreads rumors about me to everyone in the temple? does he know what people say about me (because letās be honest, who ever considers that maybe itās not the girlās fault. because in our indian society, itās always the girlās fault). does he know that someone who supported him till the very end told me todayĀ āyou did nothing wrongā? does he know that if he had taken krishnaās shelter, he would have gone to YKP first?Ā does he know how much i loved him? how much i was willing to sacrifice for him? does he know how much he meant to me? how happy i was with him? how happy I wanted to make him? does he know what heās lost? does he regret it even a little bit? does he hurt even a little bit? does he know how bad i hurt? i wish i could tell him.
but whatās the point? whatās the point shouting out to a deaf dog...or to a dog who wants to stay deaf? whatās the point? he loves me? he cares for me? and yet even now, even after heās hurt me so bad, he continues to hurt me by associating with the very people who spread fake rumors about me. if he cared for me, in our entire relationship if he cared for me then he would recognize his mistake. he would recognize his fault. he would recognize it and stop victimizing himself. because yes itās sad he canāt come to temple but itās his own fault, not mine. i did nothing to make that happen. if he cared for me at all, he wouldnāt watch from afar wondering how i am. no...he would ask. he would love. he would come. if he cared at all, he would get support from those who are giving support not from those who are looking to exploit him behind his back. but the most painful thing for me is that iām not that person anymore
why is my heart hurting so bad? what on earth is this pain...it feels so painful. iām so confused why iām having this pain now when i thought i was moving past this...why? why now?
i think maybe itās because of something a senior devotee said today. they said that this guy had some doubt in his mind and someone exploited that and instead of encouraging him on the right path, used his doubts for their own means and got him to leave me (something he wanted to do). thatās so painful to hear.
lol apparently his father had so much male ego and he told koushikĀ āsee she did this to you? sheās controlling youā kinda thing and the poor guy was likeĀ āyeah dad youāre right.ā man i really pity the poor soul who thinks his dad is right when his dad actively destroyed the relationship. but if thatās genuinely what koushik thought and he was genuinely hesitating to marry me then i pity him even more for being a spineless coward. but if he broke things off after believing his dadās word then i pity him for being an ignorant lover who thinks ignorance is bliss. poor guy. iām grateful my parents are more supportive and loving. look how far iāve come. look how far heās fallen. that should tell you enough about who took krishna and devoteesā shelter and who resorted to feeling outraged and wronged even after committing a mistake
12/08
feeling supremely overwhelmed today and i donāt know why. had a dream about koushik again. this time i actually heard his voice in my dream. it was so weird. i havenāt heard his voice in months. so it was super super weird. i also saw his photo yesterday cuz VP was swiping through his photos of NV and there was a photo of K in there. it pulled on my heartstrings a little and VP immediately swiped away but still, my heart hurt. it continues to hurt now. i keep praying to Krishna to take the pain away, do whatever you have to do but please just take the pain away. i donāt know why he doesnāt...why does K not hurt but I hurt? i donāt want to hurt. i just want to be happy again...with him.
Iām not at all feeling good today. Feeling very overwhelmed and sad. Iām trying to stay positive and trying to remember that Koushik is just a person of the past but I canāt. I feel a panic attack coming on and I havenāt had one in so long. I desperately need to calm down but I canāt figure out how. Iāve focused primarily on the Koushik thing for so long but honestly thereās so much more going on. My mom and brother still donāt have their visa. I only have a year left in the US and then Iāll have to go to India. The more I research, the more I realize that I wonāt get H1 sponsorship with this job. Not to mention the financial issues...we donāt have much left...itās all my fault. I put my parents in this position. I made my parents spend thousands of $ on jewelry and clothes for the wedding. I made my parents spend money for my tuition. I made my parents believe we could be happy (K and me)...itās all my fault. Iāve hurt them so much...I donāt know how Iāll survive. I really have to leave everything to Krishna. I have nobody else left in this world.
I miss my old smile. Iāll get it back one day wonāt I?