I got so used to relying on myself and my own means that even now, with a partner, he has to beg me to see him as a resource.
I didn't realize how much I was affected until we tried to push to a new level, living together, where I constantly felt a sense of nervousness about the idea. Too much, too soon? No, it was some fear triggered in me.
The last time I tried this, I felt forced. The last time I tried this, I did like it, but.... The last time I tried it, was the most insecure I'd ever felt. The last time I tried it, was the lowest I've ever felt.
Here I am at this move again. What should be a joyful joint step forward is, to me, an obstacle to happiness that I have to work to get over. I know it makes sense to do this, but idk if I want it. I don't know if I need it. He needs this. I feel horrible for not.
I want him closer and more often, but I worked so hard for my space. I worked so hard to love me and MySpace. I worked so hard not to crumble in the silence and absence of others that I really really value myspace, even as I still work to value my Self. I wonder if this means I give that up.
I try to focus on how great our time is when we're together. The self-destruction within me whispers that a function of that greatness is the time away. I worry that it's true. Will the ever present us, we, our movement lead to rolled eyes and desire for space? I feel we are great, but are we great enough? I don't want to lose him taking these chances.
I'm scared of this new beginning being the start of the last chapter because, for me, this step led to that; for others, this step leads to that. All the excitement of being able to marry legally brought on the woes of being divorced as well. I see so many couples that professed their love loudly and quietly processed their tearing apart.
I'm so scared of that space again. That deep dark echoing abyss of depression that came for me once when I pressed forward. Idk if it ever goes away or if coping just looked like moving too fast for it to keep up. It may not be fast, but it's stamina is everlasting. I see it, in the distance. I worry that looking back at it, showing concern for it, draws it nearer.
I don't know if I'm ready to have only our space. I don't know if I'm ready to have our name. I had moved so far away from the thought that I could have these things that I don't know if I need it now. In all my healing and growing I scabbed over what future looked like. This loved pulls that open and there'sfear under that dermis. What did I expect would happen when love found me again? Maybe i thought it wouldn't ever come like this..like a fairy tale. I forced Grimms brother versions of love into my mind so that Disney no longer existed.
I love you fiercely, but you don't know the pain that left these thoughts in me. It's something I could never describe to you. It's something that leaves shame as the after taste of even thinking about it again because who am I to mourn my deaths so deeply. Who am I to feel this way and still be loved by others.
I'm not ready...I don't think.
But is this like having a child, you'll never be ready you just learn as you go and you may fuck up some things but you'll do well with so many more things if love is behind it? There's that hopefully ever present line of optimism.
I'll do for you, for me, for us...we'll see.
Life has meaning only if you take risks. This is a risk where you promised to hold my hand. Even if you let go, I will be okay...I think.
dededos
kianamaiart
turnnoffyourmind
baratheonpilled
areudirty
romaincrisis
snowghoul
