Life for those among us that live means liberation, acceptance and authenticity or maybe just one or maybe just two or maybe none. Everyone wishes to live and master the act of living to such a degree they create a world of their own where they have absolute control over everything. Every word spoken so far is pure speculation unless of course, I refer solely to myself. Far too many times have I heard or been told to an almost aggravating degree that I live in a world of my own and denial or acceptance suffer no distinction. Each human constructs such a world in which they store graves, death, shame, regrets, and every aspect of themselves that they no longer deem worthy to witness the light of reality. As they say, to each his own and that could not be further from the truth when applied to such circumstance and through this I would like to underline the fact that these worlds could be imagined as cages, dungeons, prisons or a home, a house, a shelter, a closet. Within the confines of these spaces, one could store, abandon or save aspects, pieces, parts or components of themselves or what was once another version of themselves. Life inside these spaces would offer the opportunity of a life exempt of judgement by another soul unless the express consent of the owner was given for someone to enter such space.
As such, Man becomes God over a world of his own making, exerting absolute control over this figment of imagination and speck of reality. Through this, he aims to craft himself into a being that no longer suffers from the flaws of being human. As if it were clothing, man picks and chooses what to wear each day within reality in order to maintain a facade in hopes of ever so slightly controlling the outcome of life. The irony of the matter is that the control he hopes for is and will forever be an illusion, a farce that serves nothing but to appease the insecurities one has buried within his world alongside everything else he wishes to veil from prying eyes.
A wolf in sheep's clothing, man becomes too fearful of the hunter, be that the shame or judgement of others or his own. In choosing to always remain dressed as sheep, the wolf finds himself among his prey and thus believes he is in control, making the illusion that much more vivid. Within this frame of thought, he feasts upon the flesh of the world and relishes in its countless flavors and fragrances. In the process he loses himself as he reconstructs himself until he becomes something else entirely, a God upon himself, having given life to a creature whose origins are no longer remembered for they were never wanted. A god without intention, man walks among men as he runs away from himself in order to walk together with others for the sake of acceptance and control. Though man shall flourish and evolve and grow from such choices, sometimes death occurs deep within man and he shall never notice until the world around him shall begin to crumble beneath his feet.
In his pursuit to become a God over himself and in the eyes of others, man commits murder of the highest degree, a sacrifice to which man is blindsided by the desire for control and acceptance. It would be wise to emphasize that not all humans commit such sacrifice and not all humans remain on such path until their last breath as some realize and recalibrate their perspective in an attempt to regain what was lost.
The murder in question brings forth the death of the nature of man, his authenticity, abandoned for the sake of inclusion, acceptance, and belonging. Every mask worn, every piece of clothing donned for the sake of shaping a form dictated by the narrative of life, all while man obliviously discards his true intentions, desires and wishes. Upon further thought, another outcome might surface on the horizon other than the one we have exhausted thus far, implicitly, rebirth. Through the sacrifice of an older self, one transcends, thus becoming something else, not necessarily evil nor good but wiser in nature, an evolved form of that which has perished.
Compelled by the desire to feast upon the acceptance of the world, man turns his life into a masquerade ball, acting accordingly based on the circumstances encountered, thus maintaining the lie of his identity in order to not suffer a social execution. This veil of deceit brings with it a great load of suffering and discomfort to those that choose to take it upon themselves as they walk through life.
Sometimes, a seed of turmoil takes shape and stems the existence of the rebels, the outcasts, the awakened, souls living among the deceived as a stark contrast to their counterparts, a reminder of that which they so desperately desire to become while being shackled by their fear of becoming.
The awakened are those that lived, escaped or rejected existing under the rule of an illusion in order to live guided by an unfettered nature. They chose to love themselves more than the world and to choose themselves instead of the world, thus they became liberated from the clutches of a life that revolved around validation of an existence based on pretense and deceit. Unfortunately, such bravery does not come about without heavy costs such as loneliness, solitude and madness. I would like to believe I am one such awakened as once upon another life I coveted acceptance and validation in order to give direction to a life in the dark. I tried to feast, to live among the sheep but it never occured to me that I may have been a sheep living among the wolves.
Survival was attained but not without irreparable damages as it was here that I learned to hide, to lurk, to die in order to live through hell and tell the tale. Much of myself was left behind, pieces long since replaced but lost through suffering and death. Bizarrely, that which I have become does not arouse anger or bitterness towards whatever was that killed me for I today live, a God of a world built upon madness and solitude. Aligned with the nature that whispers from within, I pursue its will, as I aim to remain loyal to its calling across the passage of time regardless of the costs of such an endeavor. Allow me, in spite of the declared truthfulness to admit to hypocrisy as I wish to come to light with the reality of still donning a mask despite calling myself an awakened.
I still hide behind a facade the majority of the time as the flaws I own are far too detrimental to my existence if they were to be given freedom from the clutches of my world. Plagued by innocence, I let free such flaws and have lived to suffer the consequences too many times to not know how dire they can be and thus I bring balance by living two lives. Distance and restraint are the filters through which I participate in the masquerade ball, always veiled by silence and always armed with diplomacy, conciseness and honesty. Never present too long and never saying too much I attempt to interact with the world as if I were a ghost among the living, craving life whilst aware I must remain a stranger. Again, in retrospect, I realize a distinct contrast between how I act within the walls of real life and those of this text, knowing fully well that despite my intentions, I spit lies while wishing they were truth and for that I am regretful.
The doors to my world are built from solitude and silence, only opened for a blink based on whim and instinct. The souls whom I allow access will never know of the existence of such a world as they enter through its gates, seeing only that which I allow them to see. None should be given complete access unless they satisfy certain conditions and even then one should be prepared for betrayal but such act will never be attainable so instead, learn to endure suffering.
Very few reasons exist that could justify someone entering these walls but from the very few that exist, only one rises above the rest, love. A concept enveloped in simplicity in regards to its definition and yet it takes a lifetime to master and even then, failure is always on your doorstep. Love paves the path towards trust, another fickle and crucial element in the blend that is necessary for human connection to be formed. Through trust, one forms friendships, ties to people that were once strangers to your existence, beings that were outside your field of attraction. Once connection is established, you begin to scour through your world in order to decide what is that you will show them, what can be shown and how far can you be yourself until you realize when to stop and instead don a mask, be it of falsehood or silence.
I was never good at wearing a mask of falsehood so I suffered reluctantly, as I displayed my nature to those around, uncensored by experience or wisdom, innocently believing I would be accepted. Not to say I did not attempt to lie to myself as that did not happen, on the contrary, I desperately tried to become a wolf, a sheep, whatever was needed in order to receive the validation of others for even a brief blink. My attempts yielded few results whilst suffering was given to last for a lifetime, to the point where my entire nature has been shaped and fleshed out by being minced, stomped and mocked. Again, it did not help that I was defiant, a prickly thorn that would not yield to the will of others and thus I found myself a sheep bearing fangs in an attempt to fight a pack of wolves and in doing so I came to the realization that I was not meant to be among men, wolves or sheep but alone.
I walked away from desires of validation, I severed myself from the world I was part of and committed with resolve to act alone, walk alone and live alone, away from prying eyes and bruising hands, free from the pretense. Alas, none are exempt from making mistakes, regardless of intent for perfection which leads to attest that suffering never ended but I soon learned how to bear through it, craft it and mold into beauty so it would not cause harm anymore. Eventually, times would pass, bruises would fade and memories would turn to wisdom as one moves along the path of life.
Along the way, the world we built can become cluttered or cleared of all or some of the darkness one tries to hide, while always hoping that one day they will meet someone to whom they will show everything buried away and instead of being shunned they will be embraced.
We do not need for the entire world to love us, we do not need to love the entire world as such an act only a God can do and even he has abandoned us. We are Gods of worlds that do not exist outside of us and so we do not have the authority and the capacity to love everything without exception but what we can do is to love one thing as if it were the world itself.
Our encounter was accidental, our union was innocent, our life was tumultuous and effervescent, our death was tragedy. She was an element of unknown origin that I wanted to bypass as if it were a stranger but instead decided to welcome into my life. Overcoming copious amounts of quakes of the heart I found the bravery to invite her inside my world, never knowing or planning or envisioning how far we would manage to travel. Let it be known that our travels took us far enough that infinity seemed closer than any ending but as I mentioned before, none are exempt from mistakes and the longer someone lives, mistakes will always follow closely behind.
Shunned from that life by way of words and actions, everything left in the aftermath is nothing short of a blur built from an amalgamation of emotions, visions and vague memories. The beginning was volatile as we grasped for each other in the dark, each of us a novice when it came to the ways of love, we clashed and we clung with determination because for a reason unknown we wanted to remain connected. Everything seemed flawless, a cookie-cutter fit of two souls that in the eyes of the world could not be more perfect, but as I have stated, reality cannot exist without pretense.
The birth of the end brought forth truths which I wished were lies because this could not come to an end, I would not allow it but the decision did not belong solely to me. Guilt and blame aside, nothing could be done because we had pushed the illusion beyond the limits of what we could endure and by the time this reality surfaced you had already reached yours. Finding yourself a prisoner of a life that had died years prior, you held on for reasons outside of my capacity to decipher and thus I can only speculate upon them and nothing more.
Idealistically, I want to believe that you still wanted to love me, to love us and our life we had managed to build after overcoming an almost insurmountable amount of reasons to simply abandon everything. None of it was achieved without suffering and struggle and thus it compelled us even more to strive in keeping this life alive. The reality of the matter is probably far different from the ideal I so earnestly wish were true but considering how it all ended, I am only unraveling a glimpse of the entire truth. Reasons for this are tied to you and the world you governed, a world you allowed none to witness, and even when you did, it was done with the utmost care for precautions and unforeseen events. Betrayal had struck your existence once upon a past and the scars had never fully healed afterwards, leaving you with higher walls, thicker gates and an almost impassable trial if one wished to gain access.
Throughout our brief existence, I would like the believe that I was given access to this world, ever so briefly and had managed to gain your trust and ever so slightly heal your wounds. Having the aftermath behind me, I admit I am filled with doubt about what has transpired between us due to things said and done in said aftermath, and questions arise about whether or not you really loved me or was it all a ploy you concocted to use me when the circumstances of your life looked more like enemies than allies. Whatever it may be, truth or lie, I wish to disarm such thoughts of their influence and instead focus on that which I felt and experienced when life found me living in those times.
The existence that is you must know that outside of ties of blood, you were the sole entity to whom I had offered complete access to my world, as you came to know me to a degree that not many will ever come to approach. Safety was present in your company and the scars and wounds I carried along since times of youth began to fade. You offered me something I hungered for desperately but alas was deprived and thus my hunger could never be satiated until I met you. Flawed beyond compare in the eyes of my reflection, you had managed to compel belief that I had worth in the world, either yours or another, it did not matter to me.
The world was you and I wished for nothing more than to witness it every day, reaching a point where I came to defy my own nature in order to attain sight of you. Reluctant in the beginning, the gates opened until they stayed open whilst you were present. Drunk on love and satiated by the feast I felt as if reborn into a different world whose gates would never close.
We feasted upon each other, our flesh and minds united in conflict and peace, lusting as if we had never tasted the flesh and soul of another until that moment to the point you had been ingrained into my mind. You were art as I reflected your existence through my eyes, unable to sever my gaze, wondering how could such a creature exist and how blessed I was for you to have accepted me into your life. Everything, in retrospect is unfortunately bittersweet because reality was far different than my current statements, perfect yet afflicted by imperfection, a union which functioned even in moments of imminent death due to the familiarity and comfort we each had in the presence of the other. Our biggest advantage and simultaneously our biggest downfall was our lack of experience and maturity but this only became a curse towards the end of our story. In the incipient stages of us, we had managed to become one because we each offered the other something they needed and this had given way for trust to form. My hunger for acceptance had been filled to the brim by your touch, your voice, your presence and I to you, well, I can only speculate that what I offered of worth was presence, companionship and distraction through the tribulations of your life.
Though unsure of the details behind your reasons to love me, we had made a contract to remain loyal to each other regardless of circumstances and so we did until we no longer could.
We soared to the highest peaks of innocence, we explored our souls through the existence of us and we learned to be a single soul when together. The charm of young love brought us together and kept us in its company but we woke up one day and realized we were no longer children falling in love as if playing games from our childhood. As if time was consumed by the gnashing jaws of a wormhole, we found ourselves in a present that we never thought would be our future, and allow me to rectify, I never thought it would be our future. The desire to remain together was reciprocal but when I was faced with the choice between abandoning my home and be with you or abandoning you and remain home, I found myself at an impasse. An attempt to essay denial shall not be made as I am inclined to admit I hesitated with intent, all while ruminating on a path where I would not have to act upon any of the choices proposed but unfortunately, nothing came to fruition. After deep contemplation upon my decision, it was decided that your existence in my life would bring forth growth and joy into my life and thus I left behind the home of youth and left towards a world of maturity and adulthood.
Looking back, this might as well be the moment our life fell into darkness as I would suffer changes and you would the unfortunate soul to witness my fall into the abyss. Through me, our descent had begun as life would pit me against challenges that would enable me to display a side of myself I never knew existed. Such is the way that I had unraveled aspects of myself that I never knew were hidden inside my world, facets that I should have never shown you ever for it was through them that I began to kill us. As you were my world and I was yours, much like Atlas carrying a world upon its shoulders, we each leaned on each other in times of need but I never thought you would fall to your knees burdened by my existence.
Despair and grief and sorrow and discontent took the place of joy, of happiness, of innocence, of brightness and when I found myself drowned in these emotions of the abyss I did not hesitate to complain, to nag, to speak my mind with an underlying tone of blame directed at you. Maturity came too fast and I was not ready and the only source of support was you and of course, I leaned as hard as I could because I thought I could share everything without consequences but again, I made a mistake. My darkness proved too heavy, too thick to be cleansed by even your touch and regardless of your actions, they would prove pointless when faced with the abyss. The realization of this reality only became tangible when it was too late for amends to be made. Along the way, I recall myself becoming quieter, restrained in my speech, aware that my words would cause harm and thus I had begun to revert to my old ways. First, I closed my gates and remained watchful of that which I released into the tangible, walking as if on eggshells while constantly hoping that it would not transform into glass shards should I utter something unpleasant. My presence had become a nuisance and I never expected for it to turn into loathing until you decided to abandon everything.
The reason for it all is beyond anything, a chimera. An amalgamation of motives, reasons, causes, all blended together by the experience of our life. In my eyes, you had flaws but for what it is worth, I never cared because I wanna say I cared too much about you to be bothered by such trivial things, since I was in love with all of you. Not the same could be said about you and of course, in good reason but even still, my innocence pushed me to believe that you would do the same as I did, love me regardless so I denied what followed. Your world was undergoing changes and in an attempt to spare me the suffering would these changes come to fruition, you gave me a warning but I defied it, stubbornly stating that would not stop loving you but there was nothing I could do in the matter.
Eventually, the mask you donned would become too heavy and so the facade began to crack and through the cracks I saw the ending in all its horrifying glory. Darkness had taken place within your world as it did in my mine but yours was born because of me, making me its primary target as our fall began to take shape. Once again, I found myself a sheep surrounded by wolves and there was nothing I could do to protect myself against it because as mad as it sounds, I did not want to leave even when I was given a chance to escape, choosing instead to suffer if that meant I could be in her company. Love turned to pity as this offer was made and when met with refusal I assume it went from frustration to anger and then loathing as one day she decided to let open the gates to her world, unraveling the contents of the box of Pandora.
For too long had this farce been played out and enduring it any longer was beyond reason for there was no more reason for it to exist. Faced with the consequences of my actions, my heart sunk to its knees seeing as its worst nightmare had finally become reality. The comfort, the familiarity had become a double-edged sword as she slashed and jabbed and stabbed relentlessly with her honest intentions to abandon this story for the sake of writing another. What stood before me was a wolf in sheep's clothing and I had been deceived into believing otherwise since the beginning. Her nature had always been a mystery and she might as well have believed she was a sheep at some point in time but somewhere along the way, something changed to cause such a drastic shift in her nature. The potential existed and I noticed but I chose to ignore, never thinking I would be at the end of its blade, and having it witnessed I wondered what could I have done differently to avoid such a calamity from occurring. As if a different existence, her demeanor, her presence, her stance had been utterly stripped of that which I once called love.
We had been cowards, refusing to acknowledge reality until that moment when her mask had finally crumbled, allowing her to show the wolf that she had become. Nothing could be done against her onslaught other than to offer reluctant acceptance drenched in a river of tears under the cover of loneliness. Against her truth, I fought with distraction, separation and preparation for when the ending would become palpable. A sense of liberation had briefly struck me as the tension from this prolonged ordeal had been finally taken off my shoulders. Allow me if you will a moment of honesty as I admit that despite my desire for an different outcome I had also envisioned abandoning everything numerous times before. Ironically, when it all took form, I humored myself by saying that it was a wish come true seeing as much of my darkness and the reason for her downfall was born the moment our life together, away from our innocent beginnings, was given life.
No longer a single soul and with our worlds sealed from sight we had abandoned the existence of us, choosing to live as if strangers until one would turn into a ghost and leave behind a life once lived. Now, when all that is left is accounted by memories, visions and sensations, I have come to realize my true nature, my regrets that linger and the acceptance of the reality at hand. From what we were to what we are, neither could have foreseen how things would take form but I believe that we each acted with authenticity and falsehood, mixing the two in order to obtain that which we desired the most. Our nature died and then lived, was caged and then released, all for the purpose of remaining loyal to what we thought deserved our sacrifice.
I have come to the conclusion that I was never designed to live alongside another as solitude has become a place from which I extract peace but I would lie if I were to say I do not reminisce about younger times from time to time. Severed by reality and united in a dream, I explore us incessantly as I study our life in order to understand myself and my nature in the wake of the aftermath. Through you, I have concluded that I am a lone wolf by nature, thriving in moments of solitude where only the company of my thoughts is desired. It is here where I can display my existence without ever fearing the judgement of the world, it is here where I can open the doors to my world and be exempt of rejection, it is here where I can yearn for love and remind myself of the consequences of such greed.
Through you I have come to learn that if a man pursues anything worthwhile, then anything in the form of action is authentic to himself, not deceit, not a lie but a risk, an effort, a sacrifice towards the potential for growth, for happiness, for a life lived. I declare then that in light of such reality, pretense and honesty can both shape authenticity, giving life to man as they both come together to shape its existence, regardless of what that might mean.
As you chose to abandon us to find yourself, so will man abandon himself in hopes of the same result, hoping that at the end of his sacrifice he will unravel his hopes turned tangible. As I abandoned myself in order to remain by your side I have also come to unravel myself from the ashes of our death, and though it may not be what I hoped to obtain, I am at peace. I would like to believe that we are both at peace and if that is true then everything from beginning to end, from joy to suffering, from sorrow to grief was worth living through and if not then we shall dump everything inside our worlds in hopes of forgetting that we once lived another life.
In regards to my existence, I remain alone, partially severed from the world while simultaneously attached to it, distant but available, always coveting connection whilst aware to never get too close. Never hunting but always looking, I gaze from a distance upon the world, haunted by a feeling of derailment from the thread of life and its flow. My place in it no longer exists so I simply float about as I listen to the whispers of my nature as I defy the law of man and nature itself for I have lost any will to follow it.
Nothing is desired and thus I live dragged along by circumstance and opportunity, obeying the facade I have shaped to please reality and its demands for action. I am lost in this world but I find myself within mine and thus I fall into madness, hidden from sight, pretending whilst being honest in regards to what follows.
A sacrifice for the sake of a world, I chose to return to the one I left behind in the aftermath of a choice and I have come to realize that I only felt love for this world because you were in it but since that is no longer true, I find it excessively difficult to abandon you as you have abandoned me.
Thus I have come to accept that no amount of time between us will ever erase you from my world so I live blessed and cursed by your existence as you will continue to inhabit my darkness until the time shall come for a God to meet its end.