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I published my poetry. The Romanian ones. It has been a dream of mine for the longest time and it finally came true awhile ago but I was sick and couldn't relish in the fact. Hope you guys can enjoy it.

#poetry #writing #thoughts

Contextual Identity

Reside caged between walls of sight Soul turns twisted appeasing the light Contort the self compelled by demand Renounce all will to choose your stand.

By:PocketPoet

#writing #poem #rhyme #poetry

Rampant Thoughts 77.

Defiance, Death and Delusion

1. Defiance

By definition an act of rebellion against authority, generally met with retaliation. Against common sense I pursued such act and I was met with dire consequences, a reality I met with an odd sense of accomplishment. Surrounding voices echoed in disapproval as what I had done was an act of suicide.

I allowed bottled vexation to take control of my will and I compiled a weapon of self-destruction and compelled by some bizarre reasoning, I delivered said weapon to its target, fully aware of the aftermath that would follow. The message behind this cataclysmic act of defiance proved fatal and its victim would prove to be none other than its creator. It isn't to say that the initial victim was left unscathed but as they too had suffered irreparable wounds, someone had to pay the price for the damage that came to be.

Caught in the process of creation, I must admit I probably chose to ignore caution, believing that the contents of the message would be perceived more as a teaching and less as a knife. In a setting built upon the foundation of an organizational hierarchy, I deceived myself into believing that I was in the right to address the zenith with a tone of irony and arrogance. I had crossed the line the second I delivered that which I had written and deep down as well as in writing I knew that what awaited me could only be the end.

I declared war upon this so-called authority and in spite of the impulsive nature of this act, I cannot say I felt a great deal of regret for that which I had done and I have no real explanation as to why that is. I had been pushed beyond a certain limit, I had accrued an insurmountable amount of unhappiness with the conditions I was operating in and upon demands that felt pressuring and more than anything controlling, in return, I myself had willingly, lost control. It is beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was in the wrong in regards to everything that transgressed beyond the point of delivery for the demands were to be executed without a shred of hesitation as it was my obligation as an employee but then again, defiance runs deep within my veins. There was no reason for me to disobey the orders I was given and if certain conditions would have been met, I believe I would not have caused this tragedy to occur but alas, that is wishful thinking as reality speaks a different truth.

I wanted change to happen, I wanted my thoughts and my anger to be known, I wanted for my voice to be heard, I wanted to fight back against the sudden push for control. Until that moment, I had been left to my own devices, to work without guidance from anyone, alone with nothing but voices from the past, caught within the pages of works done by someone that occupied the same position that I was currently in. Without those pages I would have been utterly lost and without aim, but even if that was the case, I ultimately failed in living up to the expectations of those that had tasked me with this role. I would soon discover how unfit for this role I actually was and with each passing day, my discomfort grew to the point where the mere thought of having to play said role would cause my stomach to churn and my breath to stutter. I was not built for this and continuing would bring only decay to my existence.

Instinct told me that something had to change and the quickest path to attain said change was through the higher authority itself. Of course, a more civil and subjugated approach would have served me better as I would still find myself within those four walls, hidden from the eyes of onlookers, toiling away at a task that felt like torture. Within the silence, I accomplished every task I thought necessary in order to please the requirements demanded by my position but it never was enough as mere paperwork barely scratched the surface of what satisfaction meant. Due to the nature of the work I was responsible for, I found it extremely difficult to accustom myself with the task. None seemed to care for the work I had done and thus I continued on with it, insisting only upon the tasks considered mandatory and comfortable, soon learning that none had the knowledge or capacity to verify my work and thus I went haywire, doing what I wanted while abiding to the rules. I did my job accordingly, just not according to the whims of a subjective authority whose expectations I never knew until they were enforced through sheer pressure, exacting control over my actions. For reasons not entirely understood, I had been triggered by such actions and resorted to retaliation, which brings me back to the beginning of the story.

The reasoning behind my act of self-sabotage is tied to ideas of identity and self-worth, aspects that over the course of this existence had been constantly questioned. Inevitably, the work that came to be through my hands was essentially, another part of me, and when it was demanded it should be changed, a switch was flipped and all I knew was rage. Nothing made sense and since I knew it came from a source of little knowledge and authority on the subject of my schooling, I wanted to completely disregard the demands while knowing fully well I was in no such position. What followed was not a war built on screams and terror but one waged within the shadows, silent and discreet with punishment being given with grace and malice, all the while being entirely justified. The only regret I experienced from this ordeal stemmed from the realization that through my act of selfishness, I had managed to cause suffering of the heart, a reality that stirred within me a sense of guilt upon discovery. From guilt, shame was born and when eyes were met, shame would always be present and it served as a reminder of imminent exile. The contents of the message addressed the authority directly, and in doing so it had managed to cross boundaries that should not be crossed. Blinded my own volatile emotions I

Instead of regret I must admit that disappointment had a much stronger presence, as I had come to realize that once again, I wasn't enough in spite of my efforts. It is true that I could have done things in a way that would have pleased the higher wills but without clear instructions to aid adaptation I had to develop a system that catered to satisfying the minimum required as well as my own inadequacies. It must not be forgotten that the system itself was never built to assist my efforts and the cherry on top was my cowardice and hesitation towards my efforts. Put bluntly, weakness followed my every step as I had given up all control in order to blend myself with a system that was built upon chaos but wanted nothing but order. The feeling of being an outcast had become a fixture on most days as I sat alone in that office, constantly trying to distract myself from feelings of discontent and guilt. Eventually, I had fallen into a routine, a system that I had developed to accommodate those conditions, thus succeeding in finding structure and functionality alongside those called coworkers. In spite of all this I still felt like I didn't really belong as my approach and my presence caused conflict to occur and I would soon begin to censor my presence from certain circumstances in order to decrease the amount of unwanted attention.

I knew fully well how unprepared I was for this task but I still took the opportunity regardless, whilst aware that it would not erase my incompetence but instead, it would only make it more obvious and I did not shy away from making this truth known, much to the dismay of the higher wills. Aside from the cameras positioned within the building, I always felt like I was studied and observed, either directly or through the eyes of others as I went about my tasks. With every interaction and demand, disappointment became stronger but this would only become a known fact when it was already too late to make amends. The constant lackluster approach, the decision to focus on aspects thought important solely based on personal perspective and the negative track record in terms of results proved an insidious poison for the minds of those that governed.

I was making enemies in spite of trying to gain allies as I would soon realize that even though my presence was welcome among those with whom I shared the same fate, I was in fact a source of chaos, a reason for disorder, an obstacle in the path of their goals. There was no space given to my efforts and I did not fight for it as I would soon realize that my assistance would prove irrelevant when applied to their demands. Aside from realizing that I did not possess the competence to bring change that would prove useful to them, I also realized that what those in my care needed wasn't only discipline but affection as well and that is where I intervened.

My assistance worked against the efforts of the masses and in spite of being accommodated I was also tolerated in many instances or at least I believe I was, since in the eyes of many, my work was never seen as being that, since I was visibly having fun and that did not bring the results desired. They wanted a magician, a mystical hand that would somehow erase all unwanted behavior, leaving behind only discipline and order but that I could not bring about and thus, the present came to catch form. Of course, this is an exagerated view on the entire experience since what was truly wanted was for me to counsel, communicate and create a relationship of trust with those in my care in hopes of alleviating any angst that they may have in regards to their lives.

To be blunt, I soon realized that my envisioned approach was much too oriented towards adults and older individuals, people with whom I could hold a more profound conversation in regards to themselves. It is safe to say that children were not compatible with such an approach and upon discovery I soon concluded that they were far too innocent to require this type of aid but of course this would eventually become another reason for my fall from grace.

I pursued my goals following the path I had come to pave and as years went by, I would eventually become a component to the system, embedded within the multiple sectors that would comprise it, squeezing myself between them. I had found functionality according to my own rules and balance was somewhat attained but not without sacrifice and torment. My entire performance was satisfactory in the eyes of the majority but unfortunately not enough to warrant the continuation of my employment. Towards the end of my journey, I came to understand most of the workings of the system I inhabited and I understood that I would never identify myself with its values or purpose unless I was compelled by duty and upon expressing this fact I had managed to dig myself a deeper grave. The only aspect that brought joy during my time there were those in my care as they were the ones that allowed me to create my path and purpose, yielding the results I desired directly and without delay, only to motivate further efforts in the same direction.

I did all I could and wanted, I enacted my will according to my own desire and perspective, I adapted to the unreasonable demands whilst maintaining my responsibilities accomplished, inviting an end that I deserved and did not regret. My participation was visible, my efforts were honest in spite of being judged and I stuck to my guns through a war that I ultimately lost but never wanted to win in the first place. Privy to the shadows that lurked behind the scenes of this organization, I knew I would eventually have to depart by force or will of my own, since that was the plan from the start. I faced my weaknesses and confronted realities I would rather avoid, and dealt with circumstances I would generally consider a nightmare and I managed to create a space for myself within the chaos. Alongside it I fought the waves of change whilst maintaining a position of detachment throughout the entire experience, reaching a point of belonging in the eyes of the world.

I followed along in spite of an insurmountable desire to escape that I experienced almost every day, I played along and even tricked myself into enjoying the ride simply to distract myself from the reality that lurked within the shadows of my heart and that of the authority. Defiance was the truth that never left my mind and the destiny of all truths is to be made known to the world and so I did, I released it against all common sense, bringing about the present moment and with it, an end to a future of agony and a beginning to freedom and uncertainty.

I have suffered the death of others more times than I will ever suffer my own. I like to believe that defiance is the shield of the weak but something that can never be defied is death. It strips away all power anyone can muster and it leaves behind a hapless husk, robbed of any strength to fight. The inevitable nature of death cannot be denied by any soul as the only option one has against it is acceptance or ignorance. The awareness that death is always a day away is a reality one is forced to come to terms with, otherwise madness becomes destiny.

None are strong against the hand of death but all are equal and the only thing one can effectively do is to postpone the inevitable. Becoming a coward against death is the only way and time when such a tactic will result in victory because death cannot be stopped, only delayed. The ability to accept the existence of death and to live while it lives insidiously inside my mind has become a task I have been blindly trying to comprehend. Accepting and living with the idea of my own death pays me no torment as what I dread the most is the death of life that gives me life.

I conceive thoughts in a desperate attempt to build resilience against a disease called grief for which death is both reason and panacea. Chills run down my spine as I reach the realization that my efforts prove futile against this irreversible ordeal of monumental proportions. Defiance only proves how insignificant my existence is against this law of nature as the only effort one can muster against it is to hope that she will ignore your life and everything in it. How insane I must sound as I utter these thoughts into reality, giving form to my fear, etching onto white the tar stained horrors I compose in an attempt to find relief through release.

They come and go, but never leave as I am aware of their presence but choose to distract myself as I have learned how futile it is to panic when escape is impossible. Many have tried to understand it as they had come to know the illness of awareness such as I and they too resorted to thought as the weapon to wield against it. Failure befriended all, teaching them in return as it did me, that it is not understanding one must obtain but acceptance as an act of defiance.

If one is to gain victory against death, one must shift focus on life instead as it robs death of its power over existence. In truth, life becomes the strongest act of defiance but also the biggest illusion of victory in a battle destined to be lost. In order to win, one must live so that they forget death even exists and this is the mindset that will allow them to achieve victory. Thus life is built and nurtured until it overshadows death itself, burying it under years of life, slowly forgetting it is always a day away.

When one dies, nothing left behind belongs to them as they return to nothingness whilst becoming everything. Everything they created, owned and built is left for the living to handle, including all the pain and suffering. It is in this moment that the living die before death as a part of themselves is lost to never again be retrieved in spite of any effort one could muster. The experience of dying before death is something that I myself believe I have come to know as the loss of life or love brings with it the loss of something irreplaceable within the confines of a life one has built. When struck by death in life, death itself feels like the only escape from the pain of being ripped apart, as nothing will ever be the same and this knowledge become unbearable to accept.

Some choose to drown this death with life, grasping to any and every straw they can find in order to save themselves from the eternal embrace of death while others, such as I continue living alongside death as I turn it into a lesson of sorts, a reminder of that which was lost that must never be forgotten. I have chosen to take within myself both death and life, for in both I find pieces of myself, making use of this antithesis to create an existence built upon balance.

My belief is that in order for death to become an innocuous concept, something stripped of influence over the mind of the living, the living must experience death in life enough times that when the last breath is drawn, it will be welcomed with open arms. I may have painted life as the antithetical alternative to death but allow me to clarify that life is incomparable to death in terms suffering. Our knowledge of life and death is scarce and what we do know is uncertain, but among the two, death dwells within the obscure, keeping itself hidden from any and all eyes. Life on the other hand is found at our fingertips, blooming from the day we are born until the day we are buried and after we are gone, it continues on without a moment of hesitation.

Life offers the opportunity to fight against the sorrow one will experience when death strikes. It forces the mind to live with death as a backdrop to the main event that is taking place front and center. Throughout the process of living, I will suffer and have suffered death in parts and pieces a million and more times and though I have survived each event thus far, there were moments when death itself, the last one was conjured. The absolute end of everything seemed a better outcome than confronting those tiny deaths across the span of the rest of my life because then, all suffering would be gone. Since I am writing these lines, it is safe to say that those thoughts remained nothing more, but that would not be entirely true.

The presence of death is permanent, each day a reminder of the end to come but also of the chance to defy it through living, something I am not particularly proficient at. I am terrified of life and its chaos, preferring the realm of death for it suits the nature I am guilty of. In spite of my preference, I dare live through the defiance of myself, walking among the living as I too attempt to forget about death. Though it may seem wise, I believe that ignoring the truth about the nature of existence and its intricate aspects is a futile attempt at intelligence. The truth about the duality of existence must be known by all, consciously or not, as only then can we truly learn to experience the process called living. We all die once by destiny but not all die the same throughout our life, not all learn to know or see the value of death when there is only one breath left.

Death balances life by giving it value as the knowledge of an absolute end should make the soul eager to live brighter but the irony is that the more one lives, the higher the chances one has to die, again and again. Through death one learns to rise and live again until there is no more life left, and at that moment death will be welcomed with a smile instead of a regret.

For those brave enough to die at the hand of life and defy life in spite of death, the universe itself shall bow for there will be no suffering strong enough to crumble them aside from death itself and I can only hope that one day I too shall be among them.

Death governs everything. Defiance wages war. Delusion becomes reality.

The law of Death claims conformity from existence as there exists no life that can truly defy it and void its authority. Through the act of defiance, existence rebels against such law with sheer force, in spite of the futility. The act of living is simultaneously an act of defiance against all reason, and an act that ultimately yields nothing but loss. A process that compels existence to learn, to gain and to amass in order to prove one lives or has lived but which, against the will, ends without fail as the law of Death comes to collect, not what we have amassed but us, our being, our existence. Against this infallible truth emerges a single choice that manages to bring salvation through madness, delusion.

Throughout the process of living, existence is programmed to undergo tasks etched into the memory of flesh. Such tasks have the purpose of creating life from nothing as well as nurturing its evolution until itself can create life. Intricate by design and simplified by action, these orders live within the flesh, conjuring action towards accomplishment. Governed by biology and explained by sciences such as psychology, sociology and philosophy, it has human contact as the medium through which these tasks turn tangible.

The majority embraces such tasks as their own, willingly accepting to act upon them as these actions produce positive reinforcement, a concept that promotes repetition. It is within our nature to behave according to the will of these urges, as only then does life feel complete, fulfilling and endless. Through these actions we unknowingly become defiant against death, ignorant towards its existence and immortal in the face of it, in short, drunk on life in hopes of forgetting about death.

None of existence is aware of these actions as described within these texts, everything done being a conformity dictated not by death but by existence itself. Death does not govern the minds of existence equally as it does life itself and thus, defiance is never named beyond being the simple act of living, guided by rules, customs and laws created by man throughout its life. The entire structure can be reduced to a single word, instinct. This is what governs action towards the accomplishment of the tasks required to push existence further, with death being a mere afterthought within the structure of the mind. The greatest force of authority is reduced to nothing but a backdrop in the eyes of humanity as it focuses on growth, unknowingly defying death through life. Death is never a day away for anyone until it happens, because death is a stranger until the context suits its presence. Such is the way through which they become immortal, distracted by tasks known through instinct, seeking fulfillment of the flesh or heart, living as if tomorrow will always exist. Can this be considered delusional?.

No. Instinct is a reminder in itself that Death exists and it defies it without ever weighing the mind down. The human mind is not designed to chronically think about Death as if it were imminent as that would simply be dysfunctional. A system built for the purpose of safety and conservation of the integrity of the mind and body, instinct pushes for survival but does not overload the mind with unnecessary thoughts of Death. Actively acting against death through mere living whilst not being besieged by thoughts of dying is life seen through a different lens. Life will always defy Death but it shall never overcome it, its law forcing it to kneel before it eternally.

Believing that Death awaits at the end of a corridor as steps are made towards the end is wrong because Death has walked behind life since the beginning, watching every step and waiting for the wrong one. If one were to think about this from dawn until dusk, the mind would die before life would. This act cannot be called a delusion when there is no intention of deceit in order to attain ignorance. Blessed are the ignorant, the living that live as they should, distracted by life.

Among them, there are those that awoke to awareness and cannot quiet its voice. My belief is that I am one such individual, a bizarre, odd entity of mediocre origin, whom has become obsessed with the presence and existence of Death out of sheer terror. Fearing the inevitable is unobstructed torture and a life plagued by such torment should never be known. The grasp it has over existence and the whim under which it operates fills my guts with jabs and acid as each day I pray it forgets about everything that gives me life. The futility of my actions is evident and acknowledged but in spite of all this, sustained for I am reminded with each passing day of the closing distance. Life itself should function as a distraction but I only see it as a reminder of what I have to lose when Death finally walks over the doorstep of my life. I tell myself that I am trying to understand how I would feel, to accustom myself with the experience in order to lessen the blow but upon further effort, I realize how futile and foolish these efforts prove to be. Nothing can be rehearsed when it comes to Death for life itself shatters upon its arrival and such an event the human mind cannot replicate and remain sane.

Such is the backdrop in front of which life is written and none look behind because they know and choose to ignore. What happens when you cannot ignore, when knowing becomes obsession, when there are no distractions and only reminders of that which follows, what is there to do then when it is known that nothing exists that can be done?.

Ignorance shall never become a choice when there is distraction to keep sight veiled. Family, children, marriage, love, friendship and life in general are all distractions shaped as tasks that keep the mind busy and distanced from the touch of Death. Without said tasks, the mind would fall into despair as it would realize the futility of existence itself but instead it chooses to focus on the tangible, the reality it has built for itself in order to remain sane.

Someone once said that I live in my own little world, and I have come to agree. I live among the living and function within it but I am ultimately detached and removed from its system. Compelled to become a component of the system of life in order to flow through its stream, I manifest a facade meant to portray a role shaped to fit the mold of interaction. I watch myself function, I scrutinize and offend myself without hesitation as I study my existence in connection with another. Death is known and remembered and life is feared and avoided as I myself defy through the rejection of distractions, only to find myself suffering willingly at the hand of the inevitable. Haunted by the existence of Death and unable to ignore its presence, I live a life severed from the will to create one as defiance. Fearing loss I have embraced solitude, fearing Death I have embraced naivety, fearing life I have embraced delusion.

Unable to deceive myself into being ignorant about Death, the only option through which defiance could be shown was delusion. Entirely aware of the truth and unable to distract or ignore meant I was forced to listen to myself think about such realities endlessly. I refuse to fall prey to distraction, to love and other worldly concepts in hopes of quieting the voice of the inevitable unless I desire to remove all silence from my life. I delude myself into believing that solitude is the better choice, that the presence of Death is a more suitable companion than that of another existence. I know it is wrong and against instinct itself to act upon these thoughts as such defiance shall display unbearable consequences in times when Death shall be closest but I do not care for passion for its touch shall only become an invitation for Death.

In the face of Death I am defiant through delusion, a creator of a reality built upon acts that oppose life itself, acting according to madness in order to face a truth that defies sanity.

By:PocketPoet

#writing #thoughts #ideas

Judecata unui Egoist

M-aflu-ntr-o locație-nstrăinată d-acceptabil Îmbrăcat într-un sicriu lăcuit ca-n strat lavabil Îngropat-ntr-emisfere cu-n îndrăgostit castrat Inima-i din piept absentă precum un membru amputat

În momente efemere comit sporadic suicid Contemplez metaforic un sfârșit invalid Înmuiat în tăcere dezbat motiv pentru prezență Contrazic paradox concentrat spre absență

Ruminez existența-mi descifrând ingrediente Eviscerez cadavre d-amintiri pertinente Comit atrocități asupra-mi fără milă Căutarea-mi după gust lasă-n urmă silā

Mestec melancolic momente consumate Anim sufletu-mi uscat cu iluzii-mbuteliate Mă-nfrupt dezinhibat din bucate ȋngropate Scormonesc cu abandon printre resturi mestecate

Condiţionat d-anxietate respiraţia-i săcădată Apăsat de circumstanţe alimentarea ȋi tăiată Cedez presat d-așteptări rostite implicit Eșuat-am să-mplinesc ce n-am vrut și am dorit

Țintesc spre nicăieri ș-accelerez determinat Anemic d-ambiții recunosc că n-am mâncat Amețit d-evenimente mă declar dezorientat Definit malnutrit d-un comitet imaginat

Constatat analfabet inspectat fiind subiectiv Citit-am niciodată sentimentu-i efectiv Consum doar mucegai crescut în digital Injectez ignoranță într-un sistem nervos central

Fluctuez neclintit între demență ș-agonie Servesc uitare amintirii-mi de-a vieții tragedie Retrag apoi consimțământ exprimat subconștient Episodu-i temporar când regretu-i permanent

Îngrop sufletu-mi albastru sub șapte straturi de rutină Trupu-i sechestrat ș-aruncat în carantină Conștient d-acțiuni absurde inhib instinct făr-ezitare Revoc reflexiv tratamente de tratare

Arunc întrebări într-un abis decolorat Înapoi primesc tăcere precum m-am așteptat Persist în pasu-mi apăsat presând înspre predare Căutarea-mi de răspuns va căuta capitulare

Crezut-am vindecat acest fragment de univers Cusut-am rănile-i adânci într-un proces perfect advers Țesut-am agonie din stropi de sare și cerneală Suferința-i scrisă-n carne ș-ironia-n smoală

Știut-am adevăr înainte de minciună Infectat cu inocență cedat-am într-o lună Înșelat-am adevăr înstrăinat de judecată Trădat-am realitate c-o iluzie realizată

Accept realitate sculptată-n temporar Râvnesc cu nostalgie gustu-i familiar Sfidez totuși sentimentul cu-n altul contrar Refuz realitate al cărui gust e înc-amar

Resping reflectare inspirată din regret Deznodământu-i un sfârșit înstrăinat unui antet Începutu-i declarat un concept inexistent Trecut-am de sfârșit hotărât a fi absent

Raportat funcțional d-un guvern cerebral Eficient optimizat făr' un membru adițional Insist irațional s-acționez individual Acțiunea-i motivată d-un deficit emoțional Exist cu-n efort minim exprimat Întâlnesc prosperitate într-un mediu izolat M-ascund între cuvinte amintite în tăcere Lamentez decizii care-mi produc plăcere

Cunosc lașitate ș-accept vinovăție Viața-mi parcă-i moarte dar nu-i o tragedie Ales-am soartă scrisă inspirat d-un păcat Îndeplinesc regrete pentr-un narator trădat

Egoist deprivat d-exprimare dezbrăcată Îmbrăcat-am act ratat c-o fațadă cenzurată Compus-am narațiune pentr-un rol înșelat Învățat-am ironie cu vârf și îndesat

C-Universu-mi resetat printre cunoscuți străini Mutilat la figurat fost-am smuls din rădăcini Însărcinat cu-n sentiment comis-am crimă capitală Sufletu-i l-am îngropat între scânduri de cerneală

Exilat consimțit m-am conformat în permanență Veșnicia-mi temporară va cunoaște doar absență Incapabil d-afecțiune motivat fiind antitetic Instinctu-mi contrazic cu-n efort frenetic Deplin detașat d-aspirații afective Reprim sentiment din trăiri retrospective Răzvrătit recidivist insist pe evocare Amintește-ți înc-odată motiv de izolare

Tânjește melancolic oftând cu realism Suferă superficial ș-inspiră pesimism Pretinde nepăsare fiind nepăsător Înșeală adevărul cu-n act convingător

Suferă-n singurătate cu mândrie de martir Libertate pentru-n suflet înjunghiat d-un trandafir Cunoaște realitate îngropată d-un păcat Refuză repetiția unui trecut însângerat

Manipulez cu egoism mecanisme d-apărare Schițez un Univers după propria-nfățișare Justific rațional acțiuni de sabotare Cauterizez îndoieli și-mbrac cu sublimare

Rămân inert înconjurat de mișcare Observ cu distanță iminentă degradare Accept neputincios impusă implicare Particip pasiv prin directă abordare

Impalpabil copleșit d-anxietăți existențiale Incapabil definit sfidez bariere naturale Înfrunt necunoscut instigând răscoale Lepădat-am mântuire din motive personale

Adevăru-i neștiut când scopu-i discutat Ignoranța-i un miracol și-un blestem conștientizat Născut râvnit de moarte fost-am eventual salvat Fost-am adoptat de viață și simultan împovărat

Moartea-i un răspuns iar viața-i o-ntrebare Refuz primul răspuns și cea din urmă n-are Întâmpin mori de vânt evident imaginare Înfrunt soldați de ceață cu deplină realizare

Trăiesc temător d-existența-mi creată Comis-am suicid într-o formă figurată Refugiat într-un tărâm ascuns d-umanitate Cârpesc din rămășițe o identitate

Apăr cu absență fațada-mi încarnată Resping cu-nverșunare o prezență imediată Dispus d-un declin în facultăți executive Elimin orice risc pentru ariile afective

Controlu-mi aparține asupra-ntregului sistem Regimu-mi egoist are-ntregul la cherem Guvernez prin dictatură pentru-n scop suprem Pace-ntr-un regat asurzit d-un recviem

Unanim nebun diagnosticat prin reflectare Administrez tăcere printr-un act de izolare Soarta-mi construiesc pe fundația-mi ruinată Domnesc într-un regat dărâmat de judecată

Vindecare nu există pentr-un gust rămas din moarte Infecția doar persistă pân' de viață mă desparte Acceptare vreau s-ofer condiției ce mă-nghite Suferința-mi să sfârșesc înspre zile liniștite

Chemarea-i acum mutā când numele-mi pronunță Surzit-am cu premeditare când numele-mi anunță Ignor instinctului strigare cu sinceră neobrăzare Păcatu-mi va rămâne solitară condamnare

Încuiat într-o cutie stearpă de scăpare Defectele-mi ascund temător fiind de mustrare Declarat rebut într-un proces de fracturare Daunele suferite nu cunosc recuperare

Capturat perpetuu într-un ciclu fabricat Sufletu-mi stătut nu-mi permite să m-abat Trimit gându-mi pretutindeni ș-efortul nicăieri Amorțit rămân statornic interesat numai de Ieri

Manifest ambivalență într-un stagiu avansat Copleșit d-analiză sfârșesc paralizat Natura-mi dictează ș-instinctul contrazice Controlu-mi aparține iar natura mi-e complice

Tânjesc nerușinat l-amintiri deocheate Hrănesc încă rădăcini cu subtilitate Anim halucinații născute-n realitate Rămân printre morminte d-agonie-nstrăinate

Vreau s-amputez pofta-mi pentru carne Sufletu-mi s-ard pân' ajung să-mi crească coarne S-alterez nefericire s-obțin dorința-mi vinovată S-accept într-un sfârșit natura-mi reprimată

Decăzut din grație refuz s-exprim regret Consecința-i prefăcută într-un banal colet Conținutu-i cunoscut și prezența-i iminentă Plata-i efectuată-n timp și-o viață-i suficientă

Gustul d-înger zăbovește peste buzele-mi crăpate Demon m-oglindesc în faptele-mi acum păcate Renunț la Creator pentr-un act de masturbare Existența-mi deturnez într-un act de evadare

Sătul preaplin s-aspir l-afecțiune Amorțit predominant manifest evaziune Pretind sfidare l-adresa unui Creator Rolu-i preiau pretinzând c-aș fi actor

Râvnesc iertare presupun pentr-un act banal Înțelegere-nmânată unui dement ocazional Cerșesc permisiune s-acționez natural Recunoscut nevinovat ș-absolvit universal

Negociez cu-n ecou soarta sorți-mi deturnate Împânzit d-ambivalență decizile-mi sunt inhibate Conștiința-mi fracturez ș-anim străină entitate Dezbat dilemă inutilă repetent la rezultate

Circumstanțele-mi s-adună într-un amalgam ciudat Impresia insinuată-i un sentiment stratificat Hrănesc sinele-mi flămând cu-n preludiu-nfometat Opulent servesc speranță conștient c-am înșelat.

Soldat într-un război cu-n final necunoscut Însărcinat c-o datorie să fiu suliță și scut Cadavru printre oameni îmbrac moartea-n smoală Îngrop dragoste și viață cu-n stilou și-o coală

Indiferent l-avansuri de instinctu-mi instigate Perspectiva-mi susțin fără remușcări în spate Motivat de motive deja menționate aleg singurătate Soarta-mi va cunoaște numai pace și păcate

Iertare nu există că păcatu-mi nu-i real Încerc a mă convinge într-un nehotărât final Decizia-mi aparține ș-asemeni consecință În a morții companie voi cunoaște și sentință

Ademenit de flori admir cu-n suflet distanțat Pofta-mi potolesc c-un curaj abandonat Prezența-i îndeajuns mă pronunț necuvântat Totuși rumeg melancolic un sfârșit maturizat

Există lacrimi și-n Iad dar nu plouă niciodată Neschimbat rămân în direcția-mi declarată Îndurat-am suficient existența-mi redactată Prețul pentru fericire merită plătit o dată

Chinu-i nesfârșit s-arată scris în rânduri Concluzia-i decisivă atât în fapte cât și gânduri Încuiat-am cu rațiune sufletu-mi învinețit Ales-am sacrificiu pentr-un îmblânzit sfârșit

Infinită-i judecata când răsună-n amintiri Ascultă-i glasul otrăvit și-nvață să respiri Acceptă lecția oferită în abandon d-agonie Există fracturat între prezent și nostalgie

Incurabil infectat simultan fiind contagios Secat-am viață dintr-un înger până-n măduvă de os Natural nefericit m-am îmbătat pân-am orbit Otrăvit-am leac cu sufletu-mi mucegăit

Veșnic vinovat iertat doar în uitare Cronică mi-e suferința suferită în reluare Excesiv conștient de prostia-mi perpetuată Insist indiferent de consecința implicată

Niciodată vindecat cu intenție demonstrată Persist într-un declin cu direcție confirmată Aliat cu-n păcat m-afund în depravare Natura-mi urmez judecat de remușcare

Narcisist amator motivat de validare Doar propria-mi perspectivă merită valoare Extenuat d-uman contact inutil considerat Retras-am existență într-un delir decolorat

Nesuferit definit printr-un act d-eliberare Obsesiv preocupat suferit-am dezaxare Mestecat-am viață să-nțeleg cum moare Motivat d-un regret s-opresc o declanșare

Comis-am exorcism s-ard o vrăjitoare Vrut-am suflet curățat de mângâieri înțepătoare Sfârșit-am amorțit căutând o rezolvare Subjugat s-accept că nu există împăcare

Martor invitat la personală înmormântare Cadavru animat într-o viață următoare Lepădat d-afect dintr-o viață anterioară Suferit-am mutilare de natură interioară

Sentimentele-mi sufoc motivat deliberat Concepte inutile pentru-un om înmormântat Nevoia-i nulă pentr-un monstru resemnat Instig indiferență oglindit un psihopat

Guvernat d-orori cerebral augmentate Delir alimentez cu realități cicatrizate Susțin sabotaj s-evit viziuni gravate Exilat-am existență într-un act de lașitate

Arbitrar abilitat asumat-a-mi dreptul drept Fabricat-am Iad pentr-un suflet înțelept Respinge suferință ș-alege iarăși agonie Cunoaște disperare când destinu-i o prostie

Însărcinat intenționat s-aleg otrava-mi preferată Rostesc premeditat decizia-mi promulgată Optez pentr-un păcat corupt de rezonanță Apetitu-mi satisfac conformat la circumstanță

Ignor afecte exterioare stipulate de divin Resping umanitate ș-asemeni să mă-nchin Instabil stabilizat într-un stagiu deraiat Judecat d-ambivalență declarat un condamnat

Demonstrez intoleranță la norma de cenzură Protestez dezlănțuit oficial fiind o scursură Vocile-mi gândite s-aseamănă-n natură Adoptă-n unison decizia-mi ca structură

Inutil dezbat procesul d-expirare Natura-mi este lege c-unanimă aprobare Suferința-i destin indiferent de abordare Prefer în prezent să propun o amânare

M-anim dintr-un delir într-un loc inacceptabil Înghesuit lâng-un castrat în mod inevitabil Patru scânduri mă-nconjoară cu-n ecou insuportabil Conștient că-n consecință sunt iresponsabil.

By:PocketPoet

#poetry #poet #writing #poem

Opposing Equals

Nowhere near but somewhere still Searching forever but never will Lost from sight and never found Roaming free while always bound

By:PocketPoet

#poetry #rhyme #lyrics #poet #poem #thought

Sane Insanity

Insidious corrosion surreptitiously afflicts Naked eyes turn blind while soul constricts Sacrifice the heart feeding the mundane Suffer with acceptance believing one sane

By:PocketPoet

#poetry #writing #lyrics #rhyme

Rampant Thoughts 76.

The Design of Existence

Meaning does not exist and finding meaning in the search for meaning is a meaningless endeavour because anything that I do is meaningless. A slave under the rule of time, I spectate with a sense of horrified awe how the days simply vanish from grasp as I suffocate myself in trying to excavate from within my thoughts the meaning to this meaningless existence. None with blood flowing through their veins can prove to be of service in alleviating the silent despair that has enveloped me as they too are puppets attached to the hands of time.

Upon walking among them, I see them exist, engrossed in the act of living, immersed in designing an existence of their own, willfully ignorant to the madness I have come to know. My path is the one to be faulted for humans should have no business attempting to comprehend such matters because as I have come to know, only madness awaits those that do. I walk a path that borders ignorance and madness, a witness bathed in insanity and melancholy, as I wish I could be one of the ignorant, liberated from the chains that demand I unravel an imaginary truth.

Jealousy fogs the mind, its whispers urging towards the side of ignorance but I resolutely resist for I do not wish to discard my madness. Plagued by arrogance, I choose to consider myself above the rest in order to abate the reality that preys upon my existence. Days do not pass without scrutiny to be declared under the veil of thought or spoken word and from it, it is rare for approval to arise. Life is defined by imperfection, a state that beckons scrutiny beyond anything and through scrutiny I unravel its potential for sin and miracle hence my reason for jealousy.

In spite of being alive I am not living as I am petrified of the grasp of life upon all that I am. The biology contained within compells towards listening to the urges of instinct but I desire more than just biology perpetuated. Illusions of the mind craft ethereal experiences in order to give reason for life to be lived but I blatantly refused their advances. Indeed, I shall not be a hypocrite and declare myself immune, a saint without sin for I am not such a being as flesh once within my grasp haunts still my mind from times turned memory. Never shall I declare the burial of love to be a trivial matter, regardless of how much time has passed from the moment of its passing, and thus I shall mourn and know to never love again lest I wish to sacrifice that which is left of me.

Irony dictates that I am the one who is wrong in his ways, I am the one that is commiting the sin of defiance, I am the one being punished through solitude and abandonment and there is no room for retort against such accusations. Awareness strikes without warning when it wants to speak its will against mine, and I hear everything it wishes to utter into my mind, an infinite amount of times. Stories that speak of what has been lived and learned and what has been killed and burned, of who I am and what I am, of whom I could be and what I am not and soon enough I find myself drowning in speculation, fantasy and denial.

Life has drowned in a sea of thoughts and I am the one whose hands are stained with blood. The prototype of life falls on deaf ears as I possess the vision but none of the will to act upon its fruition, a reality that stems from nature as well as nurture. Having already witnessed the perspective of living through the lens of love and the consequences of its demise I have gathered experience of what it means to truly live. In the wake of such endeavour nothing remains other than the fear of living itself and guilty as I am of cowardice, scrutiny is deserved and condemnation shall be expected from those too weak to stay silent. I am fully aware that the words I utter, speak of nothing but insanity when gazed upon by the eyes of the happy and ignorant.

How can I throw myself and everything I am into an arrangement when there exists a void of will when such thoughts spark into mind. Contrary to expectation, I can only recollect reasons as to why I should not venture into such an experience again. Once at peace with this train of thought, I have since recovered and healed and what was once met with acceptance is now met with

struggle to pursue and the blame can only be attributed to none other than myself.

What is there to gain when one plays the game of life and risks dying ahead of time multiple times throughout a lifetime. Commanded by instinct and compelled by society, one begins to walk the line of life and love and death. I admit that I am shortsighted in my view, that bias has taken hold of my judgement and that I am suffocating myself with something irrelevant to the world but must I abide to this arrangement, must I suffer again the risk of death in mind and soul and heart?. That which is to be gained is in and of itself a miracle in this day and age and those that have managed to unravel such miracle and tame it are the hope from which everyone else sips uncontrollably. Such hope infects until it will fester inside the mind of those vulnerable to such concepts weaved by existence for its own sake and I realize as I am governed by ideas of living, happiness and transience that there is not much else that turns life into living.

Upon experiencing the concept of living through the lens of love and the societal arrangements that comprise it, I find myself afflicted by ambivalence as I am aware of both sides of the coin. Typically, endeavours regarding love continue to haunt the mind until capitulation is declared and instinct is crowned king as love once again prevails in its pursuit of connection. On the other hand there are those which never fully forget the amount of suffering endured within the confines of the structures built around the concept of love. Simply put, love emerges as a double-edged sword, managing to possess the potential to bring pure bliss and simultaneously cause death to be desired as the inflicted pain carries with it unbearable agony. Unfortunately, choice remains subjective and many continue to commit to instinct, seeking its satisfaction, enacting its will with intention absent of hesitation and I too have found myself falling prey to the urge of instinct.

The teachings of man dictate that pursuing connection is the spark that ignites life, as the one in pursuit begins to live fueled by the bonds he establishes with those that surround him. Somehow, this truth is irrefutable even for someone such as I but in spite of acceptance I persist to defy the stated truth in order to replace it with one of my own madness. Frankly, I can list multiple reasons for this act of defiance against unspoken rules and none of them are honorable or worthy of validation. An amalgamation of the entire list would boil down to indolence, exhaustion, confusion and boredom among many others that would serve no purpose if mentioned. The vision I experience at the moment paints life as a chore, a tedious task polluted by the touch of man and made convoluted endlessly by thought. I have concluded that I am depleted of empathy towards the effort of living as I admit that I have become a machine working on autopilot in order to keep the facade of living alive. Sick of trying to construct a direction within the chaos, I have turned numb to the effort, in turn renouncing the struggle and instead allowing myself to simply let the machine pursue living as I simply watch from the sidelines, intervening only when presence is required. Nothing attracts and nothing drives and though certain things do attract and others do drive, it feels empty, hollow and dull, leaving behind nothing but numbness and melancholy.

Life demands involvement in the moment of living, attention to each stage of evolution in the process and change from the characters that play the roles within each life in order for life to become living. Nothing of such nature incentivizes participation to the game of living because I do not find myself attracted to the process of living as it has betrayed all the trust I could muster to give it. Fear governs over what I am now as I listen to every word it has to say for I know that it shall keep me safe and unharmed though I know of its insidious touch if left to its own devices. I allow myself to be guided by its voice as I desire peace and simplicity even if that means sacrificing a future that follows the beaten path, chose by the masses.

Everyone committed to living fully shall come to know the voice of fear as a reminder that life is transient and that it should be lived to its full potential by those lucky enough to experience its touch. A heretic by choice and nature I declare myself guilty of forfeiting life from a metaphorical standpoint, acknowledging the reality it strives to build for those that inhabit its realm. More dead than alive, I participate passively in the spectacle called living, pretending I am interested in the events that take place only to shed the mask once doors are closed and windows are shut. The more I contemplate its value, the stronger the realization of how irrelevant it is in the grand scheme of things and along with this idea I reinforce the frame of madness that I inhabit as I delve deeper into the incomprehensible.

Instinct and norms dictate that one should grow, evolve, love and procreate and this should be done perpetually for it is law written in our blood as fate and if defied then the consequences shall be insidious and regretable. Irony of the matter is that choice offers the opportunity of creating a different ending to this looped scenario as anarchy is always an option for those that dare defy the standard. Life is simply incomprehensible and through the act of enacting instinct one simplifies the process of living by choosing to focus on a single task and stray the gaze from the madness that emerges from seeking truth without answers. After a certain stage of life, itself ceases to reach for higher heights and instead it either remains stagnant, differs slightly and it worsens constantly as we grow older and weaker with each blink of the Sun and Moon.

Freedom becomes prison and some of us were never built to roam unfettered under the skies. The choice given to man to pursue his desires speaks of the chaos that exists in the world, a form of balance based on circumstance and condition, all ingredients needed to give form to a life shaped by the will of a soul. This continues to torture my soul as I boundlessly question the meaning behind existence, the direction one should take when pursuing living while accompanied by life, what does it mean to live and not just be alive. For all these questions I am cursed to never discover the truth whilst simultaneously knowing each and every answer and this paradox arises from the simple fact that I can say I know everything whilst aware that I know nothing at all.

God does not need to exist for me to be aware how sacrilegious it is that which I am uttering but through this I cling to existence and the meaning I ascribe to it. The uncertainty of everything demoralizes and shuns my soul from any attempt at ignorance in regards to matters of the tangible. My own incessant efforts to unravel true meaning behind this fragile existence have only managed to push me against insurmountable walls that can only be conquered through death and decay and sadly the dead cannot speak of what they know for I would eagerly listen to their story.

What comes after an end and whatever the catalyst to the beginning, I understand that pondering upon an answer will always leave me starved and thirsty so I simply wish to unravel that which is within my grasp, purpose. Free to choose but barren of will I have stitched together an existence from pieces of fantasy, innocence and idealism, giving shape to something chaotic but what I want to believe was authentic at the time.

I reluctantly attempted the creation of the standard scenario, demanded by the tangible and the beyond, abiding by the law of nature and man to pursue human connection and all its derivative paths. I achieved love under the rule of circumstance and condition and I walked alongside it for what I thought would become a lifetime. Life is nothing if not transient as it is everything birthed by its womb and love is no exception as I came to learn through the lesson of betrayal and regret. When truth is wanted a lie, then the lie shall take its place and such is the path I took, deceiveing myself into believing that something dead was in fact, alive. The foundation of existence had begun crumbling underneath my feet long before the truth had managed to rear its ugly head and by the time I had witnessed it, nothing could be mended. What had defined my existence had suddenly declared that my presence was a nuisance, a bothersome reminder of something wanted gone and when faced with such truth, I could not muster an ounce of defiance, regardless of effort.

I could not hate the voice of truth for I loved her still and I could not muster hate for anything else other than myself for I knew that I was the only one I could blame. Existence had suddenly gained another form, one I was free to define and shape according to my sole desire, a choice that had but one outcome, acceptance. Left with only one choice, I was then faced with more choices that required immediate attention as life itself would exact pressure on my mind to take action or suffer consequences made dire by the reality of imagination. The design I had brought to fruition for this existence had been scrapped and I had been stripped of any rights to defy this action and thus I was to begin anew while forces to bury everything in memory that was connected to an existence now dead. Haunted by the remains, I clawed a path through the shadows of the ruins, silently planning my imposed departure towards lands where potential awaited.

Still bearing the scars from the days spent walking among those ruins, even after so much time, I remain attached to those days as if they were engraved into thought like tattoos carved into the skin, haunting with thoughts that instill fear that history is in fact, destiny. What if existence, beginning from its deepest peaks has in fact, orchestrated the demise of an existence thought endless?.

Thus, I realize I am blaming the intangible for events that pertain to the tangible, in an attempt to unravel my true nature, my fate and the reason behind my current state of existence. Insanity would be an understatement but this would not be the first time I spit into the wind, only to receive nothing in return but the filthy truth that I am in fact, adressing the void in search for answers whose questions would only remove doubt that I am in fact, utterly insane.

Awareness of such reality weighs heavily upon my mind as I maintain my thoughts hidden from the perception of those with whom I share reality, simply due to the fact that I myself cannot understand that which I am expressing and the reason I am experiencing it. I assume it is regret that stimulates such thoughts into being born, a miser attempt of understanding why that existence died and what could I have done to avoid it or was avoidance even possible?.

Alas, I am an ass chasing a carrot on a stick, too stubborn to understand that I shall never achieve my goal whilst aware that capitulation would drive my starved corpse deeper into the depths of insanity. Returning is an objective impossibility as that is not what I wish in the slightest for I am sufficiently coherent to understand the realistic circumstances and the reason for my dilemma simply stems from guilt built upon my action prior to the downfall. The way I am built, the way I think, react, respond, behave and display myself within the confines of intimate connection bare fault within them and that is where I draw the conclusion that regardless of whom, if ever again love smiles upon me, the ending shall be history repeated and the blame for it all shall once again belong to me. Scars whisper history into the wind and exhaustion evokes avoidance of connection alltogether, compelling actions of cowardice into existence as I shun anything that speaks of submission under the rule of love and life.

Instinct screams and howls from behind the gates of restraint, hungering to be fed that which it craves, motivated by biology to fulfill its goals of creating life. I keep it shackled, having stripped away all mercy for its woes for freedom. I gave it heed and I met my demise and that will never be allowed to happen again, sans exception lest I risk death once more. Drama aside, I am too acclimated to solitude, to indolent to venture, too numb to care again as I once did for even then, I simply played the tune of instinct and society, in an attempt to satisfy not myself but demands. I must admit, I stayed because I began to find peace within the chaos and I do not regret doing so because in spite of my initial will to avoid commitment to such endeavour, I found something that haunts not because of having lived it but because I have lost it forever. I do not wish for its revival but I also do not wish to have it replaced as nothing will ever come close not will I even try to fuck around and find out.

The design of existence is in my hands and its heading steadfast towards an end whose nature I can only infer upon, but one thing is certain as of now and that is that solitude shall never lose its charm as it carreses my soul in silence. Only solitude can accept all my flaws for they are many and I am done being condemned for their existence and so I choose to run and hide from the weight of living, striving to live a life free of judgement, estranged from touch that hinges on lust and fickleness. I do not live, that is the truth for I simply exist and survive, pondering direction with each step I take through the tangible, aware of demands and the costs of their rejection, consequences that shall be paid in full in a time yet unwritten.

Against the tide of life, aware that life gives life, I alone walk against it for the scars I bore from trying to walk with it serve as a warning against submission, even if that submission is bound for failure, disappointment and pure despair. The truth of the meaninglesness of life cannot be ignored unless one feeds upon the distractions created by life and the biology of man that are meant to drive attention away from the futility of this farce of reality. In the end, I am wrong and that is undeniable as the words that I utter serve only madness given form in order to make itself seen and understood by the tangible. The biggest lie turned truth is happiness, a coping mechanism without which life would become unable to sustain its course, hinting at the fact that the entire spectrum of sentient life would surely decay in the absence of emotion. I am aware of this fact because I have experienced the death of emotion and the aftermath is gruesome and the wounds never fully heal as I have stated before, one feels as if death has taken grip of their existence.

As it stands, the future of existence does not smile brightly upon me as I do not intend to do its bidding and procreate upon the wishes of instinct, regardless of how much it screeches from behind the gates. If life really is the embodiment of anarchy then I shall have my way with it, silently desecrating it to fulfill the desire for defiance. Ambivalence then takes hold of my mind as I find myself between defiance and doubt, between life and death, striving to understand the present from the perspective of the past, coming to terms with myself and my choices and pondering the purpose and the meaning of everything in spite of an objective lack-there-of.

Riddled with blemishes, suffocated by questions without answers and plagued by a detrimental curiosity I strive forward towards nothingness, questioning without end the existence of meaning and if it really exists and wondering if it really matters at all to the design of my existence. This entire ordeal probably serves no purpose but I were to conjure such a concept, I would say it would be an attempt at elevating perception of the mind in regards to the universe and my position within it. If meaning does not exist unless artificially created when living among men, then maybe I could gaze further within or farther outside and maybe then I would unravel something worth taking into consideration but alas, I am once again left with nothing but mere conjecture as I find myself once again at the gates of despair with nothing but insanity and solitude as companions.

Compelled to accept this design that I have created, I continue to build upon it until it reaches the heights I so crave or it meets its demise once more at the hands of a fate probably born from the consequences of choices turned mistakes and then life. Ultimately, nothing matters and so I am free to die and live and die again until I am satisfied with the outcome as whatever it may be, it shall be born from will dipped in truth and not obedience, and by this statement I declare the truth that shall be the foundation for the design of my existence.

By:PocketPoet

#thoughts #prose #writing

Decline into Misery

Withdrawn from life and fallen in death Living only through the act of breath Among the living the soul feels dead Reading with dread the days yet unread

By:PocketPoet

#poetry #thoughts #lyrics

Innocent Demons

Deny the beast authority as blood catches fire Tame the surging rage under siege of choir Anger escapes causing chaos seeking peace Commit regrets that evoke loathing without cease

By:PocketPoet

#writing #poem #thoughts #lyrics

Rampant Thoughts 75.

From the Devil with Love

You are not where you are now and you have not been part of the present since times long before the collapse of a world. Struck by ineptitude, you realize that you own no truth as to when this entire ordeal began but what you do have is a hypothesis about when and why this condition developed. Allow me to become the voice of madness and walk you through the becoming of you.

You are aware, I am sure, that you are under suspicion of being insane and even if this theory might be an exaggeration for the sake of dramatic effect, you cannot disagree that you are odd. None of us are free of such accusations during the times we currently inhabit but nonetheless, others do not matter and will not be included in this discussion as we shall focus strictly on your existence. I shall make use of your memories, your thoughts and your conclusions along the way as you have definitely worked hard, excavating the deepest of depths, hoping to understand yourself and the reason for your existence, among other things.

Praise must be given where praise is due because you definitely deserve every word of praise I can utter. Unfortunately for you though, you have also managed to fuel this judgement I am about to unleash upon you without a shred of mercy so I hope you are prepared to endure because you cannot escape this hunt. Suffering has managed to remain by your side throughout the majority of your life, surreptitiously haunting your days through the actions of those around, hiding itself behind the benevolent will of those that loved you. Tricked, you endured its affliction until you found the will to escape the grasp of its influence, but little did you know it had dug its teeth and fangs and nails so profoundly into your soul it had become an infection. Trickling through every cell and every thought, you eventually fused with it, becoming one existence entirely, a union of man and hell. Everything you are is wrong and you agree with this irrefutable truth since you have reached this conclusion yourself innumerable times. Of course, not entirely everything because if that were to be the case you would not be here right now writing my words as if I were real. I do not truly understand what you want me to say but from what I can gather, you want me to declare war on your existence through truth and ink and thus I shall abide to your wish and lay upon white my knowledge of your suffering.

Each human must mold themselves in order to fit within the intricate system called life, and this can be done in as many ways as there are humans on earth which brings with it a task that takes a lifetime, and for some it goes beyond the confines of life itself. Long story short, it is a very tedious and onerous task to accomplish and you my friend are struggling and have been for far too long to even count and you are running out of time. In this context, time could be yours or that of someone else, your parents for example and that is what terrifies you. Among other things, they are your biggest anchor to what you are, were and are becoming and each time you have them in your sight, you suffocate yourself as you try to carve them in memory, as if preparing for an unavoidable tragedy. You attempt this because you acknowledge that you are alone, regardless of anyone whom might come to mind in this very moment, as they shall forever pale in comparison and that is for good reason. Through them, you gain form and the reason behind it, a story of the origins of you, known in so much detail it might as well have happened yesterday and that is crucial for someone like you who has been endlessly seeking something akin to a shape, a definition of the existence of the self. Important as they may be, they lack certain pieces of crucial information but that does not matter, does it?. Just having them around in these times is sufficient since it matters not how much they truly know because what truly mattered all along was for you to have someone that would accept and love you in spite of all the inadequacies you attribute to yourself. They nullify the hate you have for yourself, draining entire oceans through their sheer presence with each moment spent together hence why you have been accruing such moments ever since the collapse of another world. They were not always the only ones to fill such a role because you were someone else back then, seeing the world through a different lens, a view that did not value them as you do now.

Once you knew love and friendship, and through them you relished the illusion that reality builds through attachment, acting the role you were given, shaping the world around you so it would fit you within itself as you sought to build a place for yourself. Stricken by a thirst for validation, a hunger that accrued to insurmountable heights, you pursued to satiate these urges in order to feed the soul that which it desired but instead of what you sought, you met rejection. The expression of the uninhibited self was obstructed by the mocking of malevolent innocence, effectively censoring indefinitely what was then an attempt at exploring the nature of the soul. You recall that event vividly and to this day, it is the moment you believe you began to become that which you are today.

A lone soul by nature, you found within yourself the company that you sought when those around proved insufficient, bothersome or simply unnecessary. You lacked trust in yourself because for reasons that stemmed from a mix of instinct and upbringing, you saw yourself as worthless, weak and irrelevant. In retrospect, you recall always feeling alienated, either of own choice or compelled towards such choice, pushing you to develop a heightened level of independence and in some regard, arrogance. In order to accept yourself, you began believing that you were somewhat better than your peers, showcasing this reality through actions, actions that unfortunately drew even more unwanted attention. In spite of everything you would attempt to attain the high that would come with validation, failure seemed to be prophecy, enabling you to surrender all efforts as soon as you would realize how meaningless it was to squirm for crumbs. Those from which you required approval represented ideals and figures that you admired and wished to imitate in hopes of attaining that which eluded your grasp to the point of despair.

Recently, you experienced an epiphany when you happened upon a certain word, a term that means the process of detachment from the self, an action that is done due to a traumatic event of sorts which the psyche cannot cope with, thus removing the conscious self from reality and its influence. You have ruminated upon this flicker of memory endlessly, trying desperately to understand why did this resonate so deeply and you remembered that you possibly went through something similar far too many years ago. All you recalled was this feeling of panic and confusion, constantly questioning yourself in regards to who you were, not for a second being able to shake off the feeling of losing yourself and who you were at the time. Salvation came from a place of magic and obscurity, a session of paganism veiled as psychology, and in spite of the bizarre nature of everything, it worked as if through a miracle. Since then, no such experience ever struck your mundane life ever again or so you thought.

The root of it all remained a mystery still, as you continued to run your little fried brain into the wall, trying to understand why did that event happen in the first place. After burning the midnight oil and bringing blood to a boil, you came to the conclusion that you simply hated yourself to the point where your subconscious acted against you. Everything is of course speculation but you believe this to be the closest you have come to the real reason. Endless rejection and alienation, regardless if it was because of you or through the intent of others, affected you so profoundly that you began refusing yourself and instead, you felt compelled to desire the life of another, implicitly denying yourself and your existence. This desire served as the catalyst to your fracturing, pushing you towards inner collapse, threatening to destroy everything you were and would become. You avoided an irreversible cataclysm through sheer luck and circumstance only to realize many years later that you are going through the same thing, the only difference being that this time you have somehow made it part of yourself, a tool, a power, a side to your nature.

Salvation from this condition came through that session but the act of maintaining yourself detached from its insidious grasp arrived under a different form. Upon further inspection of this condition you have concluded that what is needed in order to treat and hinder the recurrence of an episode was the existence of anchors. As the name implies, you required to be anchored by an attachment to life itself in order for you to engage and experience this dimension. In this very moment what can be called an anchor is your family, the very few people you can call a friend, the habits you religiously execute every day like clockwork, the hobbies you attempt to enact with unwavering devotion, knowing fully well that you would begin to lose yourself once again if you would stop. Such is the reality of the present but back then, anchors were a foreign concept, unknown to you as they are now and many of them did not even exist since at the time, you possessed something invaluable instead.

Somehow you had managed to get involved with something called love, an idea you only knew in theory and imagination, a concept that would become your most grounding anchor and eventually the reason you would experience the death of the self. This presence introduced you to what it meant to actually enjoy life, to feel attached to it as you sculpted yourself through the actions compelled by its presence. Of course, these truths only came to be what they are only later as initially, you did not wish to keep love as close as it became. Separation was imminent according to the initial arrangement of fate but as your bond with it deepened, connection was instead chosen as you turned inseparable. In truth, you wanted separation simply because it was dictated by instinct, and you were a man of simple choices and love was never to be simple. Aware much too late to retreat you found yourself imprisoned by the will of the self, remaining beside love, going completely against your nature. Eventually starting to notice benefits from the time invested towards this arrangement, your attachment began to grow roots that stemmed from emotion, completely discarding the idea of a fracture. Within the confines of these circumstances, you were finally being fed that which you craved voraciously throughout your life and now that you had finally achieved it, you decided it was worth the sacrifice of your nature and self if your hunger could be satiated.

Your greed would eventually turn into grief as going against your nature would bring about the demise of your haven. The seemingly perfect union you had managed to establish whilst being in proximity to your childhood home, to your family, to yourself began crumbling as soon as you departed to the other side of a world simply to continue feeding your greed for acceptance of the self. You did not know yourself in the slightest and henceforth you would unravel yourself in ways you never thought possible even in your darkest nightmares and the one to witness all of it was love. Your pathetic existence had clung to another and became a parasite, each feeding something only themselves knew, maintaining this relationship alive far beyond its expiry date. In retrospect it was a beautiful thing to live through, was it not?. You reminisce even now, whole years after the fracture, thinking about every little thing you did wrong as if thinking about it would help mend the past. The irony of the fact is that you do not wish to return to those times in the slightest because you have accepted the outcome as a desire fulfilled but still, you cannot discard the emotions experienced in those moments. Outside of your immediate family, acceptance was never truthfully offered as you imagined, and this thirst remained unquenched for the majority of your life, hence why you drowned yourself in the endless waters that love provided. The greed born from deprivation caused you to swim until you could no longer see the shore and soon you found yourself drifting aimlessly, lost of direction and confused of intent. The game of life and love reached a point unimagined, a moment of dark comedy, capable of being acted only through improvising along the way, hoping that whatever the choice, the outcome would be positive.

When walking through the dark, the chances of walking into a wall are higher than the opposite and so, in spite of your wishes, things began to crumble beneath the surface and you felt it and chose to ignore it and so did she. The foundation of your fountain of youth was running dry because you were once again inadequate, insufficient and ultimately, a nuisance to the existence from whom such expressions of the self were never thought possible. She ruined you mentally and psychologically and you still loved her, craved her flesh, her presence, her company as if nothing was wrong and even now in spite of everything you cannot bring yourself to hate her.

Now, allow some perspective into a different side of you, one that does not portray you as much as a saint. Yes, you indeed loved deeply but you stopped showing it, your selfishness drowned her too, your unwillingness to become happy suffocated her, your reminiscing of the past and ignorance of the future and your constant discontentment and apathy towards the present did not make her life easy at all. You may have gone with her to create another life but whilst physically present, admit to the fact that you were never there as much as you were somewhere else, hiding from the reality you had built. You have always been abysmal at the act of lying and thus you never tried to lie in the first place, a double-edged sword, cutting yourself twice and her once every time you could not hide how you felt about everything. You are broken to the point where even honesty becomes a weapon in your hands, managing to bring about the demise of something some believed to be fate at work. It is no wonder that you still reminisce about it, even after so much time has passed, managing to once again summon suffering into your life, failing to abide by the rules imposed by life, continuing to live an existence made meaningless by your thoughts and ruminations. Such a pitiful existence, illuminated only by the presence of those you call parents, those few people that acknowledge your existence from time to time and your own pathetic attempt of creating an anchor. Under the guise of a routine, you created a frame on which you support yourself as you struggle to advance through the days whilst simultaneously ignoring the duty dictated by instinct, defying it through sheer determination.

Everything you wanted along the way was her, plain and simple. You enjoyed looking at her, her design calmed you down, it gave you the feeling you belonged somewhere and that you were finally wanted as a whole. She only ever got to experience the better side of you because until life was shared, much was left undiscovered, much of which was the rest of yourselves, a side unseen prior to that life. You proved to be heavier than life and she proved to be tougher than she ever expected, so after carrying you for longer than she needed, courage was mustered to end that ordeal and remove you from herself, thus ending the age of darkness you brought upon her.

A single life of two souls was shattered in separate paths, and yours is as aimless as ever and you know this to be true, in spite of whatever job or profession or activity you may be attempting or acting upon in order to give shape to your existence. Payment for your deeds was received and I might add that it has never stopped. I cannot feel pity for you because I know that you deserve that which you have reaped but nonetheless I wish to express a drop of empathy in the wake of your suffering. What she did to you is indeed difficult to swallow and some might say unacceptable, unforgivable and completely uncalled for but even so, you never saw it as such because you understood or at least tried even if you cannot say you have succeeded. All that is left behind is the conclusion or should I say, multiple conclusions that explain or at least offer some insight into the reason it took such a turn, reasons different than the ones mentioned earlier, reasons pertaining to your roots, your upbringing and how you grasp this world as a sentient existence.

You already know everything so I will just summarize and keep it relatively succinct, starting with your inclination towards prioritizing survival, stressing over resources, passively influencing the lifestyle of others around you, the biggest consequence of such behavior being her. I will follow through by mentioning your pessimistic tendencies, another aspect that manages to extract every drop of joy from life, hence another reason she left. Among other reasons, I will include the tendency towards selfishness to an almost pathological degree, another dent that manages to reinforce the reasoning behind her actions. Your urge to complain when life was weighing you down had managed to break her back as well as she shouldered your pain alongside the guilt you pushed upon her as you quietly blamed her for your agony. Among many others I will end this list by bringing up an aspect of you tied very much to your childhood and your demeanor, the fact that you cannot be a leader, you were and are immature, insecure and diffident in regards to yourself. All of the above mentioned aspects are crumbs that lead to the reason why that life ended, pushing you into a metaphorical death whilst rebirth was a gift reserved solely for her, her prize in exchange for sacrificing you and in spite of it all, you do not express an ounce of hate towards her.

Contrary to expectation, you seldom reminisce about those times in spite of the truth and walk through life existing somewhere else, more often than not, that place being the past, this past, the moments spent with her, when things were filled with hope and innocence. Once an innocent fool you will forever remain an innocent fool, but now you are free to act as you wish, imagine all you desire and relive every moment you can recall, without a shred of consequence or so you deceive yourself. You live with the guilt of your actions, ruminating endlessly and without fail until you run out of memories to pursue, returning in due time for another session of attempting to understand the meaningless and irrelevant. You know that your life as it exists in the present copies the one with her, your material situation is a direct result of having had her into your life but in spite of everything that still ties you to her, you must accept that those times are forever gone.

A very bizarre fact is that you have accepted your reality but despite this acceptance you find it difficult to come to terms with it as it envelops your existence with its confusing and chaotic narrative. Meaning behind this can be explained only through assumption as certainty cannot be validated. What is certain and beyond doubt though is that in spite of the remnants of attachment that linger, nothing is really there other than figments of emotion for what is now the ghost of a heartbeat. Be it pity or empathy or any such type of emotion, I could say you deserve all of them but then again you also deserve that which she has done to you and you agree because in the end, you also beckoned an end to this story.

Your sins run much deeper and older than what she committed against you and one could say that you somehow whispered into the void and an answer was given. You can try and deny everything but you know fully well how futile such an effort would be because in the end you admit you are to blame as well. As insane as this may sound, you never fully desired the life you ended up shaping but nonetheless you paved it with your steps alongside hers as that was the only desire you truly expressed in regards to her. Your life becoming like a script for a movie was a turn of events itself feeling as if drawn from a movie and you fought against it because you were scared, resentful, stubborn and honest, a blend that resulted in creating a version of you that poisoned her heart after yours. The world had become your enemy and your entire world had suddenly been severely downsized until it all amounted to a little tiny black haired creature whom all of a sudden had become the center of your universe.

Completely ignorant to the reality of a broken heart, you unpacked all the passive anger and discontent you could muster and handed it to her, effectively killing an entire world and yourself in the process. Your actions were never meant to be malicious as you were simply trying to cope with this new life and you possessed none close enough to listen to your plea of pain other than her and in attempting to save yourself you managed to smother ever so slowly her affection for you. You wanted to be there but you never truly were, you tried to be present but when you were you wanted to leave and when you were forced to leave, you realized you were gone for too long and suddenly staying was no longer an option. You did not possess the vision to bring life to new heights because you grew comfortable with being stagnant, stable and peaceful but for her this translated into boredom, coldness and distance, a chronic lack of intensity in regards to living.

You got lost along the way and due to confusion you froze and refused to try and evolve beyond your limits because you saw no need for evolution by force when life offered everything you needed but that was not enough for her. She was hungry and you were no longer capable of satiating her hunger which pushed her to seek sustenance from a different source, one that was suited for her elevated appetite. Now you lie to yourself, fool yourself, deceive yourself and deny everything altogether and start over, a cycle that decides if she ever truly loved and for how long and until when and why did she stop and such is the way you bury yourself in thoughts to no end.

No answers shall be received when asked of the dead and though still alive, she might as well be dead because that is what she asked of you when she screamed and argued and demanded for you to leave so that she could forget and start anew. For one, rebirth and for the other, death, and now both of you walk the earth, different people and different stories, stained by the blood of the other, trying to wash it away with thought and love.

She may no longer be within grasp but her touch remains palpable on your skin, visible through habits, routine and gestures spread throughout daily life and you are aware of it. Her shadow shall forever follow your footsteps, showcasing her influence over your existence. She built you and then she demolished you, fracturing your existence entirely, pushing you to feel derailed, ripped from reality, an alienated existence, a severed limb from the organism that is society and the life that inhabits it. You allowed her to become too powerful, to own too much authority over your mind and everything attached to it and she took full advantage in order to remove you from herself.

You wallowed in despair, cried as if it was worth shedding tears, missed her presence and questioned endlessly how could you have remedied the outcome, everything an act of futility, done as an attempt to understand the death of a life. Since then, time has passed and you have recovered for the most part but things within you have also taken the path of change, a path paved with solitude and reluctance. You remain fractured and weak, fragile in mind and thought, insecure and doubtful of yourself and your ability to live beyond just being alive. You yourself have become a memento for the end of an old life, and so you carry yourself, constantly reminiscing, guiding your choices and actions according to experience and values that speak true of your desires. Convinced you are aligned with your true nature, you continue to maintain yourself severed from connection, a soul living for itself, afraid of the fire, thus dwelling within the dark, making it your home.

From this position, you gaze upon the world, distant and insignificant, aware of your defiance but too stubborn to break into it and begin living as a part of it like the rest of its inhabitants. The awareness of the self that ails you causes you to scrutinize yourself until all that is left is dust and blood. You will never be enough for anyone and none shall be worth anything for you if you wish it so and in spite of this, you hunt, you gaze, you imagine and then you stop and move past, leaving it a mere thought and nothing more. You fear life and its course, thinking that by remaining in this state of limbo, you gain control over it and yourself, creating the impression that time remains still while being fully aware how ridiculous it all sounds.

Yes, she hurt you like nothing ever will, yet, and that is exactly the point and I fully understand why you would choose this course of action and so I cannot deny you this right. You believe that you attract such a demise, that through your nature you summon suffering, that you are simply someone whom cannot be loved and not be made to suffer in the aftermath and you blame yourself for everything. Control is finally in your hands now and you have decided to do with it what you will, defying and shunning laws and unspoken rules, writing your own story, one born of pain, agony, love and guilt among other things. An amalgam of experiences, existences and lives, you now lead a life based on your whim, guided by fear, persecution and safety, a life not lived but owned, and though it may be broken in the eyes of many, they shall remain powerless over it.

You are built from anguish, anxiety, stress and innocence and with this foundation you have lived thus far alongside them as they haunt you like a best friend, whispering and existing within you to this day and until your last. You no longer wish to erase yourself as you have come to realize that you do not need acceptance from anyone other than yourself and in solitude there will never be anyone else other than yourself by your side. You have minced, ground and turned to dust and then thrown into the wind your entire life, and you have choked and spit against that very wind only to have it return your defiance into loneliness among the living. You will never feel at home among others because you rarely did, it simply does not suit you in the long term as you are too drawn to the darkness, the quiet, the unseen. Anyone can function and adapt but if your nature does not resonate then you are fighting a war of attrition and the sad part is that you possessed the potential for the light but life had a dimmer fate for someone like you.

Once, you were on the brink of destruction, erasure through thought, demise through contemplation and then it happened again, but this time, you were a different monster, one that adapted to the disease as you developed an immunity to the its lethal potential. It haunts each day as you walk among the living, gazing upon their lives, studying them as if they are rats in a lab whilst ruminating how would it feel to be one of them, ignorant, unaware and maybe happy. Two lives belong to you, one where you live and one where you dream of how to live and though they share the same space and time, they are complete strangers. Beyond any doubt I conclude that you are absolutely mad and wish it so because otherwise, life would be mundane, shallow and happy and for some reason you find that to be stressful, tedious and maybe scary.

You desire something insane, something extraordinary but only in thought because after all, you are a simple man with simple desires and living and loving are not simple. You carry with you scars carved into your skin by a marriage distant from ideals, a childhood filled with feelings of estrangement and dissonance and the conviction that you are irreparably defective. The reality you envision is not deceit nor is it truth concrete but you must accept and you have, that this is what has become of you and it should not be denied because you tried again and failed.

The taste of pain came from love and the taste of regret and shame came from connection and thus you have learned to sever yourself and so you live, detached, selective and cautious when dealing with matters of life because you are aware of the price one has to pay to live and love.

By:PocketPoet

#writing #prose

Second Suffering

Upon sight of union made Something stirs within the shade Fear turns true despite known fate Hunger henceforth burdened by weight

By:PocketPoet

#poetry #rhyme #lyrics

Etched Echoes

Sweet ghost of love once known Sometimes I wander when alone Lost in thoughts seeking my own Haunted forever by echoes sown

By:PocketPoet

#poetry #rhyme #lyrics

Rampant Thoughts 74.

Feast, Love and Abandon

1. Feast

Life for those among us that live means liberation, acceptance and authenticity or maybe just one or maybe just two or maybe none. Everyone wishes to live and master the act of living to such a degree they create a world of their own where they have absolute control over everything. Every word spoken so far is pure speculation unless of course, I refer solely to myself. Far too many times have I heard or been told to an almost aggravating degree that I live in a world of my own and denial or acceptance suffer no distinction. Each human constructs such a world in which they store graves, death, shame, regrets, and every aspect of themselves that they no longer deem worthy to witness the light of reality. As they say, to each his own and that could not be further from the truth when applied to such circumstance and through this I would like to underline the fact that these worlds could be imagined as cages, dungeons, prisons or a home, a house, a shelter, a closet. Within the confines of these spaces, one could store, abandon or save aspects, pieces, parts or components of themselves or what was once another version of themselves. Life inside these spaces would offer the opportunity of a life exempt of judgement by another soul unless the express consent of the owner was given for someone to enter such space.

As such, Man becomes God over a world of his own making, exerting absolute control over this figment of imagination and speck of reality. Through this, he aims to craft himself into a being that no longer suffers from the flaws of being human. As if it were clothing, man picks and chooses what to wear each day within reality in order to maintain a facade in hopes of ever so slightly controlling the outcome of life. The irony of the matter is that the control he hopes for is and will forever be an illusion, a farce that serves nothing but to appease the insecurities one has buried within his world alongside everything else he wishes to veil from prying eyes.

A wolf in sheep's clothing, man becomes too fearful of the hunter, be that the shame or judgement of others or his own. In choosing to always remain dressed as sheep, the wolf finds himself among his prey and thus believes he is in control, making the illusion that much more vivid. Within this frame of thought, he feasts upon the flesh of the world and relishes in its countless flavors and fragrances. In the process he loses himself as he reconstructs himself until he becomes something else entirely, a God upon himself, having given life to a creature whose origins are no longer remembered for they were never wanted. A god without intention, man walks among men as he runs away from himself in order to walk together with others for the sake of acceptance and control. Though man shall flourish and evolve and grow from such choices, sometimes death occurs deep within man and he shall never notice until the world around him shall begin to crumble beneath his feet.

In his pursuit to become a God over himself and in the eyes of others, man commits murder of the highest degree, a sacrifice to which man is blindsided by the desire for control and acceptance. It would be wise to emphasize that not all humans commit such sacrifice and not all humans remain on such path until their last breath as some realize and recalibrate their perspective in an attempt to regain what was lost.

The murder in question brings forth the death of the nature of man, his authenticity, abandoned for the sake of inclusion, acceptance, and belonging. Every mask worn, every piece of clothing donned for the sake of shaping a form dictated by the narrative of life, all while man obliviously discards his true intentions, desires and wishes. Upon further thought, another outcome might surface on the horizon other than the one we have exhausted thus far, implicitly, rebirth. Through the sacrifice of an older self, one transcends, thus becoming something else, not necessarily evil nor good but wiser in nature, an evolved form of that which has perished.

Compelled by the desire to feast upon the acceptance of the world, man turns his life into a masquerade ball, acting accordingly based on the circumstances encountered, thus maintaining the lie of his identity in order to not suffer a social execution. This veil of deceit brings with it a great load of suffering and discomfort to those that choose to take it upon themselves as they walk through life.

Sometimes, a seed of turmoil takes shape and stems the existence of the rebels, the outcasts, the awakened, souls living among the deceived as a stark contrast to their counterparts, a reminder of that which they so desperately desire to become while being shackled by their fear of becoming.

The awakened are those that lived, escaped or rejected existing under the rule of an illusion in order to live guided by an unfettered nature. They chose to love themselves more than the world and to choose themselves instead of the world, thus they became liberated from the clutches of a life that revolved around validation of an existence based on pretense and deceit. Unfortunately, such bravery does not come about without heavy costs such as loneliness, solitude and madness. I would like to believe I am one such awakened as once upon another life I coveted acceptance and validation in order to give direction to a life in the dark. I tried to feast, to live among the sheep but it never occured to me that I may have been a sheep living among the wolves.

Survival was attained but not without irreparable damages as it was here that I learned to hide, to lurk, to die in order to live through hell and tell the tale. Much of myself was left behind, pieces long since replaced but lost through suffering and death. Bizarrely, that which I have become does not arouse anger or bitterness towards whatever was that killed me for I today live, a God of a world built upon madness and solitude. Aligned with the nature that whispers from within, I pursue its will, as I aim to remain loyal to its calling across the passage of time regardless of the costs of such an endeavor. Allow me, in spite of the declared truthfulness to admit to hypocrisy as I wish to come to light with the reality of still donning a mask despite calling myself an awakened.

I still hide behind a facade the majority of the time as the flaws I own are far too detrimental to my existence if they were to be given freedom from the clutches of my world. Plagued by innocence, I let free such flaws and have lived to suffer the consequences too many times to not know how dire they can be and thus I bring balance by living two lives. Distance and restraint are the filters through which I participate in the masquerade ball, always veiled by silence and always armed with diplomacy, conciseness and honesty. Never present too long and never saying too much I attempt to interact with the world as if I were a ghost among the living, craving life whilst aware I must remain a stranger. Again, in retrospect, I realize a distinct contrast between how I act within the walls of real life and those of this text, knowing fully well that despite my intentions, I spit lies while wishing they were truth and for that I am regretful.

The doors to my world are built from solitude and silence, only opened for a blink based on whim and instinct. The souls whom I allow access will never know of the existence of such a world as they enter through its gates, seeing only that which I allow them to see. None should be given complete access unless they satisfy certain conditions and even then one should be prepared for betrayal but such act will never be attainable so instead, learn to endure suffering.

2. Love

Very few reasons exist that could justify someone entering these walls but from the very few that exist, only one rises above the rest, love. A concept enveloped in simplicity in regards to its definition and yet it takes a lifetime to master and even then, failure is always on your doorstep. Love paves the path towards trust, another fickle and crucial element in the blend that is necessary for human connection to be formed. Through trust, one forms friendships, ties to people that were once strangers to your existence, beings that were outside your field of attraction. Once connection is established, you begin to scour through your world in order to decide what is that you will show them, what can be shown and how far can you be yourself until you realize when to stop and instead don a mask, be it of falsehood or silence.

I was never good at wearing a mask of falsehood so I suffered reluctantly, as I displayed my nature to those around, uncensored by experience or wisdom, innocently believing I would be accepted. Not to say I did not attempt to lie to myself as that did not happen, on the contrary, I desperately tried to become a wolf, a sheep, whatever was needed in order to receive the validation of others for even a brief blink. My attempts yielded few results whilst suffering was given to last for a lifetime, to the point where my entire nature has been shaped and fleshed out by being minced, stomped and mocked. Again, it did not help that I was defiant, a prickly thorn that would not yield to the will of others and thus I found myself a sheep bearing fangs in an attempt to fight a pack of wolves and in doing so I came to the realization that I was not meant to be among men, wolves or sheep but alone.

I walked away from desires of validation, I severed myself from the world I was part of and committed with resolve to act alone, walk alone and live alone, away from prying eyes and bruising hands, free from the pretense. Alas, none are exempt from making mistakes, regardless of intent for perfection which leads to attest that suffering never ended but I soon learned how to bear through it, craft it and mold into beauty so it would not cause harm anymore. Eventually, times would pass, bruises would fade and memories would turn to wisdom as one moves along the path of life.

Along the way, the world we built can become cluttered or cleared of all or some of the darkness one tries to hide, while always hoping that one day they will meet someone to whom they will show everything buried away and instead of being shunned they will be embraced.

We do not need for the entire world to love us, we do not need to love the entire world as such an act only a God can do and even he has abandoned us. We are Gods of worlds that do not exist outside of us and so we do not have the authority and the capacity to love everything without exception but what we can do is to love one thing as if it were the world itself.

Our encounter was accidental, our union was innocent, our life was tumultuous and effervescent, our death was tragedy. She was an element of unknown origin that I wanted to bypass as if it were a stranger but instead decided to welcome into my life. Overcoming copious amounts of quakes of the heart I found the bravery to invite her inside my world, never knowing or planning or envisioning how far we would manage to travel. Let it be known that our travels took us far enough that infinity seemed closer than any ending but as I mentioned before, none are exempt from mistakes and the longer someone lives, mistakes will always follow closely behind.

Shunned from that life by way of words and actions, everything left in the aftermath is nothing short of a blur built from an amalgamation of emotions, visions and vague memories. The beginning was volatile as we grasped for each other in the dark, each of us a novice when it came to the ways of love, we clashed and we clung with determination because for a reason unknown we wanted to remain connected. Everything seemed flawless, a cookie-cutter fit of two souls that in the eyes of the world could not be more perfect, but as I have stated, reality cannot exist without pretense.

The birth of the end brought forth truths which I wished were lies because this could not come to an end, I would not allow it but the decision did not belong solely to me. Guilt and blame aside, nothing could be done because we had pushed the illusion beyond the limits of what we could endure and by the time this reality surfaced you had already reached yours. Finding yourself a prisoner of a life that had died years prior, you held on for reasons outside of my capacity to decipher and thus I can only speculate upon them and nothing more.

Idealistically, I want to believe that you still wanted to love me, to love us and our life we had managed to build after overcoming an almost insurmountable amount of reasons to simply abandon everything. None of it was achieved without suffering and struggle and thus it compelled us even more to strive in keeping this life alive. The reality of the matter is probably far different from the ideal I so earnestly wish were true but considering how it all ended, I am only unraveling a glimpse of the entire truth. Reasons for this are tied to you and the world you governed, a world you allowed none to witness, and even when you did, it was done with the utmost care for precautions and unforeseen events. Betrayal had struck your existence once upon a past and the scars had never fully healed afterwards, leaving you with higher walls, thicker gates and an almost impassable trial if one wished to gain access.

Throughout our brief existence, I would like the believe that I was given access to this world, ever so briefly and had managed to gain your trust and ever so slightly heal your wounds. Having the aftermath behind me, I admit I am filled with doubt about what has transpired between us due to things said and done in said aftermath, and questions arise about whether or not you really loved me or was it all a ploy you concocted to use me when the circumstances of your life looked more like enemies than allies. Whatever it may be, truth or lie, I wish to disarm such thoughts of their influence and instead focus on that which I felt and experienced when life found me living in those times.

The existence that is you must know that outside of ties of blood, you were the sole entity to whom I had offered complete access to my world, as you came to know me to a degree that not many will ever come to approach. Safety was present in your company and the scars and wounds I carried along since times of youth began to fade. You offered me something I hungered for desperately but alas was deprived and thus my hunger could never be satiated until I met you. Flawed beyond compare in the eyes of my reflection, you had managed to compel belief that I had worth in the world, either yours or another, it did not matter to me.

The world was you and I wished for nothing more than to witness it every day, reaching a point where I came to defy my own nature in order to attain sight of you. Reluctant in the beginning, the gates opened until they stayed open whilst you were present. Drunk on love and satiated by the feast I felt as if reborn into a different world whose gates would never close.

We feasted upon each other, our flesh and minds united in conflict and peace, lusting as if we had never tasted the flesh and soul of another until that moment to the point you had been ingrained into my mind. You were art as I reflected your existence through my eyes, unable to sever my gaze, wondering how could such a creature exist and how blessed I was for you to have accepted me into your life. Everything, in retrospect is unfortunately bittersweet because reality was far different than my current statements, perfect yet afflicted by imperfection, a union which functioned even in moments of imminent death due to the familiarity and comfort we each had in the presence of the other. Our biggest advantage and simultaneously our biggest downfall was our lack of experience and maturity but this only became a curse towards the end of our story. In the incipient stages of us, we had managed to become one because we each offered the other something they needed and this had given way for trust to form. My hunger for acceptance had been filled to the brim by your touch, your voice, your presence and I to you, well, I can only speculate that what I offered of worth was presence, companionship and distraction through the tribulations of your life.

Though unsure of the details behind your reasons to love me, we had made a contract to remain loyal to each other regardless of circumstances and so we did until we no longer could.

3. Abandon

We soared to the highest peaks of innocence, we explored our souls through the existence of us and we learned to be a single soul when together. The charm of young love brought us together and kept us in its company but we woke up one day and realized we were no longer children falling in love as if playing games from our childhood. As if time was consumed by the gnashing jaws of a wormhole, we found ourselves in a present that we never thought would be our future, and allow me to rectify, I never thought it would be our future. The desire to remain together was reciprocal but when I was faced with the choice between abandoning my home and be with you or abandoning you and remain home, I found myself at an impasse. An attempt to essay denial shall not be made as I am inclined to admit I hesitated with intent, all while ruminating on a path where I would not have to act upon any of the choices proposed but unfortunately, nothing came to fruition. After deep contemplation upon my decision, it was decided that your existence in my life would bring forth growth and joy into my life and thus I left behind the home of youth and left towards a world of maturity and adulthood.

Looking back, this might as well be the moment our life fell into darkness as I would suffer changes and you would the unfortunate soul to witness my fall into the abyss. Through me, our descent had begun as life would pit me against challenges that would enable me to display a side of myself I never knew existed. Such is the way that I had unraveled aspects of myself that I never knew were hidden inside my world, facets that I should have never shown you ever for it was through them that I began to kill us. As you were my world and I was yours, much like Atlas carrying a world upon its shoulders, we each leaned on each other in times of need but I never thought you would fall to your knees burdened by my existence.

Despair and grief and sorrow and discontent took the place of joy, of happiness, of innocence, of brightness and when I found myself drowned in these emotions of the abyss I did not hesitate to complain, to nag, to speak my mind with an underlying tone of blame directed at you. Maturity came too fast and I was not ready and the only source of support was you and of course, I leaned as hard as I could because I thought I could share everything without consequences but again, I made a mistake. My darkness proved too heavy, too thick to be cleansed by even your touch and regardless of your actions, they would prove pointless when faced with the abyss. The realization of this reality only became tangible when it was too late for amends to be made. Along the way, I recall myself becoming quieter, restrained in my speech, aware that my words would cause harm and thus I had begun to revert to my old ways. First, I closed my gates and remained watchful of that which I released into the tangible, walking as if on eggshells while constantly hoping that it would not transform into glass shards should I utter something unpleasant. My presence had become a nuisance and I never expected for it to turn into loathing until you decided to abandon everything.

The reason for it all is beyond anything, a chimera. An amalgamation of motives, reasons, causes, all blended together by the experience of our life. In my eyes, you had flaws but for what it is worth, I never cared because I wanna say I cared too much about you to be bothered by such trivial things, since I was in love with all of you. Not the same could be said about you and of course, in good reason but even still, my innocence pushed me to believe that you would do the same as I did, love me regardless so I denied what followed. Your world was undergoing changes and in an attempt to spare me the suffering would these changes come to fruition, you gave me a warning but I defied it, stubbornly stating that would not stop loving you but there was nothing I could do in the matter.

Eventually, the mask you donned would become too heavy and so the facade began to crack and through the cracks I saw the ending in all its horrifying glory. Darkness had taken place within your world as it did in my mine but yours was born because of me, making me its primary target as our fall began to take shape. Once again, I found myself a sheep surrounded by wolves and there was nothing I could do to protect myself against it because as mad as it sounds, I did not want to leave even when I was given a chance to escape, choosing instead to suffer if that meant I could be in her company. Love turned to pity as this offer was made and when met with refusal I assume it went from frustration to anger and then loathing as one day she decided to let open the gates to her world, unraveling the contents of the box of Pandora.

For too long had this farce been played out and enduring it any longer was beyond reason for there was no more reason for it to exist. Faced with the consequences of my actions, my heart sunk to its knees seeing as its worst nightmare had finally become reality. The comfort, the familiarity had become a double-edged sword as she slashed and jabbed and stabbed relentlessly with her honest intentions to abandon this story for the sake of writing another. What stood before me was a wolf in sheep's clothing and I had been deceived into believing otherwise since the beginning. Her nature had always been a mystery and she might as well have believed she was a sheep at some point in time but somewhere along the way, something changed to cause such a drastic shift in her nature. The potential existed and I noticed but I chose to ignore, never thinking I would be at the end of its blade, and having it witnessed I wondered what could I have done differently to avoid such a calamity from occurring. As if a different existence, her demeanor, her presence, her stance had been utterly stripped of that which I once called love.

We had been cowards, refusing to acknowledge reality until that moment when her mask had finally crumbled, allowing her to show the wolf that she had become. Nothing could be done against her onslaught other than to offer reluctant acceptance drenched in a river of tears under the cover of loneliness. Against her truth, I fought with distraction, separation and preparation for when the ending would become palpable. A sense of liberation had briefly struck me as the tension from this prolonged ordeal had been finally taken off my shoulders. Allow me if you will a moment of honesty as I admit that despite my desire for an different outcome I had also envisioned abandoning everything numerous times before. Ironically, when it all took form, I humored myself by saying that it was a wish come true seeing as much of my darkness and the reason for her downfall was born the moment our life together, away from our innocent beginnings, was given life.

No longer a single soul and with our worlds sealed from sight we had abandoned the existence of us, choosing to live as if strangers until one would turn into a ghost and leave behind a life once lived. Now, when all that is left is accounted by memories, visions and sensations, I have come to realize my true nature, my regrets that linger and the acceptance of the reality at hand. From what we were to what we are, neither could have foreseen how things would take form but I believe that we each acted with authenticity and falsehood, mixing the two in order to obtain that which we desired the most. Our nature died and then lived, was caged and then released, all for the purpose of remaining loyal to what we thought deserved our sacrifice.

I have come to the conclusion that I was never designed to live alongside another as solitude has become a place from which I extract peace but I would lie if I were to say I do not reminisce about younger times from time to time. Severed by reality and united in a dream, I explore us incessantly as I study our life in order to understand myself and my nature in the wake of the aftermath. Through you, I have concluded that I am a lone wolf by nature, thriving in moments of solitude where only the company of my thoughts is desired. It is here where I can display my existence without ever fearing the judgement of the world, it is here where I can open the doors to my world and be exempt of rejection, it is here where I can yearn for love and remind myself of the consequences of such greed.

Through you I have come to learn that if a man pursues anything worthwhile, then anything in the form of action is authentic to himself, not deceit, not a lie but a risk, an effort, a sacrifice towards the potential for growth, for happiness, for a life lived. I declare then that in light of such reality, pretense and honesty can both shape authenticity, giving life to man as they both come together to shape its existence, regardless of what that might mean.

As you chose to abandon us to find yourself, so will man abandon himself in hopes of the same result, hoping that at the end of his sacrifice he will unravel his hopes turned tangible. As I abandoned myself in order to remain by your side I have also come to unravel myself from the ashes of our death, and though it may not be what I hoped to obtain, I am at peace. I would like to believe that we are both at peace and if that is true then everything from beginning to end, from joy to suffering, from sorrow to grief was worth living through and if not then we shall dump everything inside our worlds in hopes of forgetting that we once lived another life.

In regards to my existence, I remain alone, partially severed from the world while simultaneously attached to it, distant but available, always coveting connection whilst aware to never get too close. Never hunting but always looking, I gaze from a distance upon the world, haunted by a feeling of derailment from the thread of life and its flow. My place in it no longer exists so I simply float about as I listen to the whispers of my nature as I defy the law of man and nature itself for I have lost any will to follow it.

Nothing is desired and thus I live dragged along by circumstance and opportunity, obeying the facade I have shaped to please reality and its demands for action. I am lost in this world but I find myself within mine and thus I fall into madness, hidden from sight, pretending whilst being honest in regards to what follows.

A sacrifice for the sake of a world, I chose to return to the one I left behind in the aftermath of a choice and I have come to realize that I only felt love for this world because you were in it but since that is no longer true, I find it excessively difficult to abandon you as you have abandoned me.

Thus I have come to accept that no amount of time between us will ever erase you from my world so I live blessed and cursed by your existence as you will continue to inhabit my darkness until the time shall come for a God to meet its end.

By:PocketPOet

#writing #prose #thoughts

Viaţă, Moarte și Suferinţă

Suflet îngropat īn mormântu-ți de hârtie Īndrăznești să răsfoiești demonstrând ipocrizie Declarat-ai moarte existenței în tangibil Încalci contract însângerat prin actu-ți ilizibil

Autor de suferință steril de empatie Exilat-ai existenţa-mi s-evadezi de tragedie Demonstrat-ai lașitate ȋngropȃnd o realitate Suferinţa-ţi mi-e sentinţă ȋn eternitate

Iartă-mă din moarte suflet ȋngropat Știu c-actu-mi inuman nu merită iertat Acceptă-mi suferinţa ș-oferă-mi răzbunare Dreptu-ţi aparţine să-ți scrii propria alinare

Prefăcut nenorocit cu sângele-mi în rânduri Blândețe îmi rostești ascuțind stilou-n gânduri Prefaci crimă-n romantism s-amorțești vinovăție Precum un meșter mă îngropi cu-n stilou ce ți-e mistrie

Într-adevăr adevărat adevăru-ți pronunțat Pansez cu celuloză s-ascund trecutu-mi infectat Malefic aparent recunosc intenția-mi brută Sufletul ți-am îngropat pentr-o suferință mută

Publicat-ai remușcări afișate la prefață Îmbrăcat-ai cu cerneală adevărat-a-ți față Convins d-act justificat comis-ai crimă capitală Amputat-ai cu-n stilou latura-ți emoțională

Urmărești necunoscut într-un adevăr văzut Citești printre rânduri un tangibil neștiut Declară prompt intenția s-atenuăm escalare Stinge sufletu-ți aprins acceptând capitulare

Iartă-mi îți cer gestu-mi de sfidare Constrâns d-un impuls motivat de confruntare Rămân indiferent l-amenințări inferioare Inutil intenționezi s-evoci intimidare

Îndrăznești s-argumentezi prezentă rebeliune Prelungești persistent infima-ți ascensiune Ironizezi asumat îmbătat cu ignoranță Abordezi subiect subtil cu stridentă siguranță

Agresiv investighezi viața-mi după moarte Râvnești dezvăluire absent de claritate Persecuți psihologic așteptând rezultate Conștient d-adevăr manifești curiozitate

Comunicat-am inițial căderea-mi în perplexitate Refuz s-accept atentate enunțate Ajută-mă a-nțelege contextu-ți narativ Abuzat-ai suficient de tonu-mi permisiv

Inutil încerci să-nspăimânți cu consecințe Reprimi conștient în subconștient tendințe Intenționezi s-afli cauzã pentru conflict Cauți s-estompezi războaie înainte d-un delict

Te-am îngropat premeditat în abisul dintre pagini Sufocat-am o culoare într-un loc fără imagini Vrut-am moarte pentru viață s-evit înc-un sfârșit Permite-mi liniște în moarte cât timp rămas-a de trăit

Blasfemie aste vorbe îmbibate în regret Batjocorești miracol înainte de antet Suferința-ți încâ arde în gânduri de cerneală Scobit-ai inima-ți întreagă și-ngropat-ai totu-n smoală

Socoteală-mi ceri înzestrat d-un drept furat Îngrijește-ți vorba suflet îngropat Obligație n-am s-ofer răspunsul invocat Întoarce-te-n obscur c-acest război este-ncheiat

Te-nșeli amarnic Creator de suferință Zadarnic eviți viață tragică ființă Acceptă odată-n veci finita-ți existență Renunță l-astă viață trăită în absență

Exilu-ți existent te-a-mpins către demență Uitat-ai aparent motivu-i în esență Explică-mi cum înduri a-mi cere vindecare Rușinea ți-e străină cu nerușinare

Prea profund cunosc cicatricile-ți uscate Secretele-s formalități automat trădate Renunță l-aspirații de superioritate Tonu-ți autoritar nu prezintă-nsemnătate

Indiferent de realitate realitatea-i neschimbată Pledoaria-ți rămâne declarație ignorată Acceptă-mi suferința fără drept de cauțiune Suferă-ntr-un sfârșit lipsit de narațiune

Deposedat de volițiune te-nfrunt logic cu rațiune Îmbătat cu-nșelăciune instigi constantă rebeliune Îngropat-ai existența-mi motivat de evaziune Pretinzi imunitate conștient de slăbiciune

Recunosc ȋntr-adevăr că prezenţa-ţi ȋi otravă Urmărești cu vehemență viziunea-ți grav bolnavă Construiești scăpare din condiția-ți actuală Intenționezi să mă-ngropi din cauză de boală

Întrebat-ai la-nceput cauză pentru-ncălcare Subtil dezamăgit fiind martor la trădare Exprimat-ai inocență printr-o întrebare Răspunsu-i cunoscut dar refuzi a-i da crezare

Într-adevăr am întrebat dar răspunsu-i înc-absent Declari constant că-l cunosc dar contest adiacent Ajungem nicăieri dar ne deplasăm constant S-exprim răspuns unui construct m-oglindește deviant

Păstrezi distanţa neȋntrerupt trăgȃnd linia cu-n stilou Dezbrăcat de ȋndoială te-mbraci ȋntr-un erou Comiţi atrocităţi ȋndreptăţite d-un motiv Continui actu-ţi punitiv pretinzȃnd că-i defensiv

Dispoziţia-mi către crimă nu suferă-ndoială Intenţia-mi invocă moarte implicit brutală Suflet sechestrat ȋntr-un manuscris uitat Ȋntoarce-te acolo unde te-am ȋngropat

Precum un general prezinţi un ordin amorţit Sătul d-un război pentr-un adevăr șoptit Insiști să-naintezi căutȃnd printre cadavre viaţă Reciţi minciună ȋnvăţată parcă sȃngele-ţi ȋi gheaţă

Ȋncărcaţi d-un amalgam d-emoţii accentuate Ne-am ascuns după cuvinte cu intenţii declarate Jucat-am ȋmpreună roluri separate Am uitat că reprezint o singularitate

Ştiut-ai deci de la-nceput adevărul ȋngropat Vrut-ai doar să ȋnţelegi de ce n-am ascultat Mi-ai permis neobrăzare cu vȃrful ȋndesat Ȋncercat-ai să-nţelegi ȋnfruntȃnd ce ai creat

Recunosc dezamăgire ȋn actul terminat Vrut-am depărtare dar niciodată n-am plecat Să-nţeleg am ȋnţeles că-n absenţă nu-i scăpare M-oglindesc ȋnfometat și-ndur ȋn continuare

Ȋnvăţat-ai suferinţă șoptită-n crăpături din noapte Sperat-ai s-amorţești cȃnd citit-ai aste șoapte Acum te-mpotrivești ȋngropȃnd dorinţă-n moarte Ȋnţeles-am ȋn sfȃrșit soarta-mi scrisă-n carte.

By:PocketPoet

#poezie #poem #literatura

Rampant Thoughts 73.

Her Truth: Denial before Acceptance

The presence of Love in my life will never disappear regardless of how much time is put between then and now. She chose a life without my presence but that choice was only hers as I was left without a choice but hers. Lingering still are thoughts of the dead, phantasms of what was once something that will never be again. In her absence I wallowed and wept inconsolably, mourning something that was of unknown source, a blurry amalgamation of elements pertaining to time, emotion, attachment and confusion.

One of the greatest issues I will always struggle with will be the awareness that I am beyond anything, flawed. Flaws surface the most when I find myself surrounded by people hence why I keep my distance and deny the truth despite knowing it fully. Selfishness, arrogance and insecurity, these all flow through me as they drown me into my own truth of a flawed existence. My plea is not expressed to be met with forgiveness or validation. Peace from it all is what I desire, swerving away from conjuring them because then I am faced with an appalling reflection.

Truths were refuted and lies were accepted and thus a life filled with sacrifice was created for the simple purpose to perpetuate this moment between two increasingly distant souls. Telling ourselves the lies and telling each other the truth became a paradox that suffocated the reality we strove to construct. Love was shrouded by a veil comprised of circumstance and answers, a combination that drew forth the flaws that lie sealed away behind a wall of solitude and detachment. We both believed our truth even when it had become a lie because we wanted nothing else but to grab onto something we once owned, willing ourselves into believing we still had it within our grasp. She was the first one to display the grotesque bravery to admit that we were caring for a corpse whose existence we were both refusing to acknowledge. The refusal to accept the lie was simultaneously a declaration of war against a life of lies and betrayal and against me, the obstacle between a living life and a dying one. Nothing was to be done against the onslaught of honesty and loathing she would unleash among us and all I could do was refuse all the while knowing that any such act of defiance would prove futile against the witch.

Armed with sharpened claws devoid of care and words that spewed venom upon expression, the witch turned her truth into her reason to kill whatever was left of her affection for a flawed man. Once her truth became her window she saw a future so bright she saw worth in snuffing out my light in order to pursue another, displaying darkness so profound it had long devoured and removed this light from her sight.

Never will I know nor is there worth anymore but nonetheless ghosts of the mind incessantly torture as I summon them into existence through my attempts at understanding the acts of the dead. She receives remembrance each day as I study still everything bound between love and death in a desperate attempt to learn to live in death as I honor love and her memory. It gave me life and then it gave me death and inside death I still find myself, learning to live a loveless life. Through experience and loss I have learned of my true nature, a man that thrives in solitude and detachment, killing the will to love as he defies the demands of nature in order to satisfy an atypical perspective.

Plagued by innocence and the childish desire to love another, I made the mistake of allowing love to derail the path I walked on as I courageously dared to defy my nature for the sake of life and living. Regrets shall never exist for deeds done are life lived and that life still brings joy even in death. That being said, the present frame in time brings with it a distinct headspace which causes other conclusions to be drawn from the rippling aftermath of this tragedy. Love closed my eyes to what I was, causing the belief that I was sufficiently adequate to be deserving of it and this was the magical touch that I needed to be completely in belief of its lies. In full honesty, admittance is given that the heart wholeheartedly believed such a lie to be true not for a second allowing doubt to cloud the dream. Stupidity is indeed boundless until someone decides to shed light upon the darkness and then the drowned shall breathe again. Indeed I began to once again breathe but I wish I continued to drown in the darkness but alas light came and I discovered I would suffocate without darkness.

As truth would have it, I was in fact not accepted but put on trial because I presented potential to grow and evolve into something to the liking of love and as this surfaced my entire reality crumbled. Everything surreptitiously turned to rubble around us as my existence as it was began to no longer be sufficient but instead the opposite and this was unsatisfactory to the liking of the witch. As much as I wished to snuff out my true nature for the sake of being to her liking I simply could not achieve perfection that would satisfy her wishes. My flaws surfaced increasingly, causing suffering with each passing year, pebbles soon turning into boulders and eventually they all came crashing down upon our little dream, turning it into a nightmare.

Flaws, nature and circumstance all contributed to the demise of this world we had constructed for ourselves and all the blame could be attributed to a single heartbeat, mine. She had fallen in love with a boy that was far from becoming a man and even to this day, there is doubt that I have attained such status. In the shadow of such fact many hurdles needed to be overcome but never were forgotten as they would eventually become the foundation to our fall. The catalyst for our entire history can be brought down to the incongruence between the nature I chose to repress and the reality that I chose to drown it with. One day I was confronted with a truth that I denied then and bitterly accept now, which brought to the light that which I tried to snuff from existence through sheer will, the nature I keep mentioning. I was told that all I want is to be left alone and in peace, to not do anything and not be involved in anything and then it hurt because the response of denial proved it was true and that could not be accepted. Presence meant I cared, I was involved and attached to life, nothing else could be considered acceptable because if I were to accept her statement as truth then everything around us would be false, an imagined world made of sacrifice and lies. From the perspective of who I was then, everything I had done was an act of love, from the self-deceit to the repressed urge to flee and never return because I was brimming with cowardice, boredom and a fear of not knowing what our future meant. She was changing whilst I watched and felt her slipping away from my grasp until I would no longer remember the last time our hands embraced. Eventually, we became complete strangers as her truth dressed her in a dress tailor-made to display the intentions I received warning for many times prior.

Turns out, as I now know, my flaws were never accepted but in fact collected and saved until she could carry no more. My heaven had been dropped down to hell together with its angel. My own truth was the sin that pushed everything to the depths of armageddon and nothing could be done to stop the process of the end. Once the decision had been made, the events in play could never be halted much less reversed. The realization that I would never be happy regardless of what she would do, that any effort she enacted would not change a single thing within my heart pushed hers into death as her love faded as if it were a season whose end had finally arrived.

In spite of all my efforts to conceal my nature and the winds that blew because of it I had failed miserably because I realized that no matter how much time had passed since we had arrived to unknown lands, deep within I was yearning still for the lands of home. Accommodation was attained but too late since she knew how I felt and had never forgotten for a moment that she was guilty for my suffering and to my shame I admit I never let her forget and for this sin I paid everything I had and am still paying to this day.

The realization that nothing in her power could bring happiness within my grasp pushed her beyond the brink as this declaration impaled my soul and everything between. A clear statement of capitulation was uttered and upon hearing such phrase my heart sunk even though things had already ended for quite some time. Even with full knowledge of the truth, each repetition of said truth would become another knife that would accompany the rest until a graveyard would take form upon the land I call my flesh. Together but never more apart, closeness felt bittersweet but uncanny as we both knew the flaw that needed to be removed from the equation that was our dying life.

Two separate entities were given another chance at life after death, one of them still carrying the corpse of the dead with them to remind himself of a life that should not happen again. Having overcome the mourning of this tragedy, I still find myself yearning for the emotion, the moments and those times in spite of the reality of it all. Acceptance must be given even to hell no matter how much I wish it could be prevented because ultimately, nothing could be done and I will use that reality to prevent another from taking flight. Together along with my flaws, I will seclude myself from love, choosing to remain silent among the living, a ghost sporadically witnessed, an occasional presence lacking permanence and thus easily forgotten. Painful as it might seem, I shall not again touch the life of another for I shall bring ruin and tragedy to such life, a reality that I would not be capable of enduring once more, the sight of this soul and its attempt to escape my cursed self and the flaws that plague my existence.

In the process I have come upon an epiphany of sorts, no longer seeing my will as an act of sacrifice for another but instead an act of liberation of a nature that thrives in silence, peace and tranquility. Unaffected by the voice of impulsivity, untouched by the emotions of irrationality, free from the instability brought by the existence of an unknown soul as my nature will be once again pegged as guilty. I shall be forced in return to suffocate what I am in order to avoid the calamity of collapse and erosion and in return to fail miserably and make tragedy into reality because myself would no longer be able to maintain the facade of love and happiness.

Women shall be flowers and I shall gaze and admire, thirst and hunger, fantasize and imagine but never touch or speak, attempt or dare, confront or interact. Instead, I shall maintain my distance, keep myself within the shadows as hypocrisy will baptize my name and my deeds as I will imagine life with a different love each day I shall have opened my eyes until they shall close shut.

This shall be the life I shall lead as long as my will desires, as long as my nature dictates and reason remains under my control and I say this because I am afraid that one day I shall become drunk and blind and stupid and go against everything I am for the sake of another witch and her charm. Cursed be that day for blood shall spill and sorrow shall follow as I will once again attempt a life of lies for the sake of a fickle truth. Before that becomes tangible I shall do nothing to aid it as I know who I am and thus I shall choose my suffering as a last act of defiance against the nature of man.

By:PocketPoet

#writing #poet #prose

Calling Denied

Chose pursuit of path once thought true Reality compelled until I switched view Presently aware of consequence of choice Sometimes dreams must not be given voice

By:PocketPoet

#poetry #writing #thoughts #ideas

Rampant Thoughts 72.

Stepping into Death

Some people live and others survive. I am the latter as I have stopped living from a time of which there exists no recollection. Somewhere along the line I began seeing the association between myself and objects as a burden and even further along the line this association mutated into being applied to humans. There exists nothing in relation to an explanation as to why I ended up resonating with detachment and solitude. Upon further contemplation I could infer multiple reasons, motives or causes for my affinity towards this state of death in life.

Under no circumstances is such a way of life sustainable under long term application as it goes against the very nature of humans, the requirement to socialize. Throwing blame at myself or others for being the root cause of my behavior is a moot point since it brings no aid to my cause. Along the way I probably made decisions based on circumstance and comfort, attempting to create for myself an environment suited to my existence of those times. Caught between the slow burning compulsion to blend with the world around me and the awkward feeling that I was trying to mix oil and water I slowly began noticing a balance, coming to understand the dynamic between myself and those with whom I interacted. Conclusions such as the wrong crowd or group, incongruent mindsets, incompatible temperaments could all be drawn and considered the beginning and the end to my story in that world. Being around people slowly began to be an element of necessity in order for me to exact my will and enact my existence onto the world but outside of these requirements, human contact was under no circumstance sought or demanded and instead tolerated.

Now and then I can say that I am and was guilty of desiring validation from those around which I had built my existence and now I can say with utmost certainty that I am and was a prisoner of my own desires. The guilt regarding everything that covers my interaction with the world I inhabited then belongs entirely to me. Principles, values and views passively offended those with whom I shared my company and soon enough I had become my own enemy, being mocked for what I was, an anomaly in the eyes of bystanders.

Naturally credulous I sabotaged myself numerous times through the act of believing I could trust my surroundings. I believe now I craved connection and even more so, validation from individuals I deemed superior, thus hunting for a word of acceptance. It is safe to say that the hunter became the hunted without much notice and after repeatedly suffering the consequences of my own nature I reached a conclusion. The nature of humans was beyond comprehension and attempting to engage in order to understand it and eventually coexist was a task much too abstruse for someone such as I. Never entirely apart but never fully engaged I came to the conclusion that an extreme choice needed to be made and through it I would make my first step towards discovering my true nature. Blindly looking among the living for a place for myself among others just to once again hunt for validation and acceptance was a task much too tedious and familiar, etching onto me the writing of experience from which only one choice remained, solitude. Through such a concept, I controlled everything and more than anything, I was completely free of the torment of seeking acceptance and validation from an outside source and thus by keeping my sight free of such concepts I also kept my mind free of thoughts related to such matters. Contact had been diminished to the point where it was done solely in required conditions, everything being filtered through the lens of my decisions and nothing else. This had become the solution to solving that which ailed me throughout my life and through which I had indeed found the path I would continue to walk on for the foreseeable future.

Having painted myself as a victim, I must confess my sins behind the scenes as I carry guilt upon my shoulders in regards to thoughts I experienced during those times. Among many sins I have come to enact, arrogance is possibly among the heaviest I carry. Quite few would recognize such concepts to have manifested in my behavior but those who have, brought it to my attention and I had no choice but to reluctantly agree. It is undeniable that even now I express with subtlety a demure tone of arrogance in regards to certain aspects of my life when compared to that of others. The root cause of such expression would have to be the heavily stratified concept of insecurity against which I could never muster enough confidence to bring balance to the equation. In an environment where violence was the law through which superiority was decided I found myself immensely disadvantaged as I was weak against such an approach, being fully aware of the consequences. My arrogance grew from a disproportionate perspective in regards to my surroundings, using it as the opposite of a positive example, taking the negative actions of those around me and attempting to execute the opposite, positive action instead. Resonance was achieved but unfortunately I had dug a deeper grave for my social life, turning myself into the anomaly whose shadow would give pursuit for the greater part of my school life. In short, I saw myself as a superior individual due to making the healthier, more ethical and sound decisions in reference to myself and my well-being. The presence of others had become a nuisance, having been rejected and mocked numerous times, I slowly discarded the desire to become a component of the system others would construct. I seemed to only be useful as a temporary replacement until someone else would display themselves through means of a more entertaining performance. In retrospect, their decision was sound as back then I was yet to be aware of the nature into which I would come to develop.

As time went by and my interactions grew more abrasive I soon took the decision to burn any and all bridges that led to other people, allowing only the briefest of interactions to be made. In order to survive that environment this seemed to be the most fitting decision I could have made in order for me to gain control of what was happening to me. Affected by the actions and intentions of those around me, I knew there was no other way other than self-inflicted seclusion and thus I made my first step towards becoming a lone wolf.

Through solitude and absence I filtered my environment so that I could endure it until its existence would come to an end and be changed by the passing times. Eventually, the suffering of every day had become nothing but a dried scar on the surface of my memory, somehow fresh but yet bloodless. Insecure, unstable and anxious I walked forward towards a future crafted from pure uncertainty, seeking to pave a path tailored from my dreams and hopes and thus I found a place where I would encounter the most dangerous and blissful existence I could fathom, love. Closed off from the world, I would walk among people as if hiding, a ghost acclimated to the concept of blending with the crowd, invisible and yet present. Everything would change when love would begin to allow the opening of my soul thus offering the opportunity to lower my guard and be fooled. It is safe to say that I caved because it gave me what I had always craved, validation and acceptance without any consequences and that hunger had been present for much too long for me to resist such an enticing opportunity so I bit the bait.

Slowly but with certainty I opened up and gave away an increasing amount of pieces of my heart until one day when I had given all I had, making me realize I had completely fallen in love with love. Never was this my intention as my true nature was overshadowed by a blind desire for flesh and heart and thus I had overwritten the initial programming in order to continue feeding on what I considered more meaningful than my nature. In spite of such actions, it never died and instead it fell into a state hibernation, awaiting the day when I would wake it from its slumber and once again allow it to roam free into the world. As the years went by I would eventually come to know that I was still blind to the entire truth of what love was as I committed more sins alongside it, inflicting tremendous suffering upon it and thus discovering that love was in fact brittle.

The instinct for survival grows stronger with age as one is compelled to manage resources in order for survival to become feasible and sustainable. Survival demands control over the impulses and discipline to maintain such control until the individual decides otherwise. This life is not meant for everyone as it pushes towards an extreme level of restraint for the pleasures of life and that for many means a life unlived. Such is the life I chose and with this decision I gradually invited tragedy into my life. When one focuses on survival instead of living he invites a life of solitude as I have discovered personally the weight of such consequences. Preserving resources and maintaining a satisfactory level of finances by sacrificing happiness seemed necessary in order to maintain love happy alongside myself. Eventually I would discover how detrimental my values and habits were because they would start to affect the connection between myself and love. I believed it would last eternally but unfortunately such fairy-tales have no place in the reality inhabited by you and I.

I had become a prison, shackles around the wrists, ankles and neck of love, impeding her from blooming, flourishing and brimming with life. In spite of my good intentions that supported my survival habits, it did not matter to love as obstructing the freedom it sought brought nothing but misfortune. Restraint was practiced but regardless, I could not abandon my nature and thus I became a reminder for the reason life couldn't be lived. Compromise led to frustration as I swallowed my own values for the sake of love and its happiness, thinking that what I was doing was selfless because I was sacrificing myself for the sake of something more.

Comfort in connection can be a double-edged sword as honesty and authenticity can bring demise even for a love thought to be forged for eternity. My honesty was a slow poison, acting like rust and corroding my connection with love until it was too late to recover anything. I opened the box of Pandora and allowed the ugliness inside my soul to roam free, believing that love would accept everything about me without a flinch but not a human alive will accept another wholeheartedly until death shall say its word. Sorrows, grief and reality would be weights much too heavy to carry for the rest of a lifetime and thus began the suffocation of a love once thought to be written in the stars. In the process I learned the consequences of honesty through expressing values, thoughts and ideas and how much they can affect the heart of another. I learned that my darkness cannot should be kept locked and hidden from anyone and none shall ever again suffer from knowing the truth. Eventually, this world would be demolished by the hands of love alongside myself as I reluctantly obeyed the wishes of bringing an end to a life.

Years after the fact I live with the truth of those days, from the beginning of days, as everything I have gone through managed to reinforce the concept of my nature, an existence meant for solitude. I live by law of survival, listening and abiding the rules I have set, free from the constraint of confusion and misunderstanding. Through defiance I pave a new path, one engulfed in perplexity and uncertainty, haunted by thoughts that incessantly utter accusations of betrayal towards life and its purpose. Every day I survive a life in death and none shall suffer alongside me for this fate is of my own making for I have learned what I am and I know to not allow myself to love another soul ever again.

By:PocketPoet

#writing #ideas #prose #thoughts

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