Nigou how did you feel about the Minecraft movie?
"Here is the promised detailed report !"
"Honestly, I went there with my friend to make fun of it."
"It turned out that it wasn't that bad."
"One thing I could describe it has is, crazy, the humour is often crazy, for good or for worse."
"An example of the good, Garet saying he'll crush Steve's head between his asscheeks like an hazelnut."
"Another example, but this time of the bad.
The scene where there was a Nether's got talent competition, not lying, it really happened.
And that was the orogine story for the villainess."
"I didn't like most characters in the movie, especially Henry, Natalie and Dawn.
They weren't needed and hindered the watch time of the movie."
"Henry's slop story was that he is a genius kid, who's gonna make it big, but cannot because of two stereotypical jocks who sabotage him.
The sabotaging part was non-sensical, because Henry's project was in a field in public, and the bullies went in front of everyone and behind the project to cut a random wire."
"Natalie and Henry are also introduced as being orphans and having to find a place in the world.
To me it's so weird they only were looking back to their mother's passing and nothing was said about the father ?"
"Regarding Dawn, she is a real estate agent and also takes care of animals, that is literally all you learn about her."
"Garret's character, although really silly is the most fleshed out character of the bunch, he gets a detailed origine story, a motive within the Minecraft world, understand the harm he caused Henry, has a redemption arc and a satisfying resolution (within reason).
It wasn't crazy but only Garret got this standard level quality in his writing, the others are subpar."
"Steve was alright, however there were too many musicals, Sirei's head would explode trying to compute just how many times Jack Black opened his mouth to sing."
"FOUR TIMES, FOUR, and as Sirei's deputy officer, I'd rather be tortured in the depths of hell and never come back, rather than have to listen to another musical from Steve !"
"It took the cast 40 minutes, and I checked, for them to arrive in Minecraft, that's a third of the movie's runtime.
They could have just thrown them directly into Minecraft's world at the beginning, and give us the opportunity to learn more about them as we go.
We already know our world, and the Movie's name is Minecraft, it's not 40 Minutes of Runtime in the real world wasted on what could have been a brief apparition in the End dimension !
Because yes, we never got to see the end, instead we got this plot about the Overworld about to turn into another Nether from the orb's usage by the vilainess."
"Also in this movie, the character had an habit of having an IQ below room temperature for the sake of a lot of the movie's jokes."
"It sounds like I'm trashing the movie a bit, but my worst pet peeve was the Enderman scene, it was so lame !
The Enderman literally acted like Slenderman, but instead of fucking up your sight, it gave Henry a vision of other characters hating him in classic B movie fashion, weirdly enough only Steve and Garret were in it, not even Natalie.
Does he not value Natalie's view of him more than two random guys he just met ?
Oh yeah and the scene after was dogwater, it was just Henry moving his sword left and right with no wits to it and spam hitting the Enderman.
In Minecraft that's a valid strategy, Steve could have done it, in this movie though Henry is supposed to be a genius inventor.
What kind of aspect from him are we suppoded to get to understand more from this ?
That he can swing a sword a fuck up an Enderman without a care in the world ?
Even worse was when Steve set up expectations earlier for this scene, by saying he got the enderpearl almost at the cost of his life, Steve, a literal Minecraft veteran, faired worse than a scrawny kid who knew nothing about Endermen ???"
"This was my biggest issue with the film, that 3 random people can do anything better than Steve :
Example : Steve's set up for how dangerous the outside is at night (beginning of the movie) + the team of 3 showing how dangerous the overworld mobs are at night (when they first entered Minecraft and almost died if it weren't for Steve).
Compared to later in the movie = Natalie and Dawn literally clubbing a Zombie to death like it's a Tuesday, while Dawn is reassuring Natalie about her family problems.
This scene was funny and sweet, but in terms of continuity it's super dumb.
And where have all the spider skeletons at the beginning gone to ?? There were three or four of them in a single night, with bow enchants.
+ the 20 skeletons and zombies just before the end of the night.
Yeah ok they died when the sun rose, but that doesn't explain why this particular night was way safer than the first.
Continuity isn't even an issue anymore as I'm writing this, I just noticed that characters are literally forced to act dumb or courageous without a moments notice for the story to work.
The events too, they all happened because the characters were being stupid, or were not using their brains.
Example : Garret standing there and doing nothing when at the center of a zombie horde, and letting the cube or earth get shot at and split in pieces so they can't escape from this world.
Henry understanding Minecraft's concept of breaking and placing blocks, but not applying it to the staircase of the tower he made.
When he did it to safely get Garret into his tower."
"See how I'm mainly talking about Henry, Steve or Garret ?
That's the issue, the other two barely get any screen time, yet they do everything outside of it.
Dawn tames a bunch of wolves, does nothing after that, Natalie holds a diamond sword during the war scene and only slashes a few piglings with it, then she just stands there while turning her back to the giant piglin charging in her direction."
"Henry gets his crumbs as a character when he makes plans towards the end to fight the Piglins in the war scene.
Or when he made a new weapon, a food gun, then Garret makes him ditch it because the plot requires him to lose it, because it's too powerful too soon."
"I already wrote quite a lot but that's probably because having a gun to your head helps with writing a detailed report."
"I'm going to conclude on the fact that outside Garret's name, which I remembered incorrectly, the rest (except Steve) I completly forgot because of how forgettable they were.
Most characters didn't have their place in the movie, Garret made the most sense along with Steve as best buddies.
Henry is the last to make sense, as Minecraft's theme was escapism for him and he learns to let this coping mechanism go. (I'm making it sound better than it really was)"
"It's not a bad movie per say, it's a movie you have a to watch with a friend to have dumb fun.
Alone, this movie will rip into your soul and drag you to contuinity hell.
Clearly the movie wasn't meant to be a work of art (aside from beign visually good to look at), you can also clearly smell that the writers wrote this script with their behind."
"Hum.... the gun's still pointed to my head."
"Finally, here's my rating of the movie :
"As something else than Minecraft : 7/10
As a Minecraft movie : 4/10
As a movie to have dumb fun : 10/10"
(Last one you'll definitly have a crazy thing to talk about with your friends.)
"Anyways, that was my detailed report, there are a lot of things I didn't talk about, but the points I talked about were really important to me."
"Commander you promised me you would let me go !"
"Nigou, the Minecraft movie deserved a 10/10, this report is unnaceptable..."
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