I seem to have let life get the better of my brain, it's deteriorated. I've been shut out, shut up, shut down all my life.
It's hard to engage. But not with sex. I've tried my best and I can't sleep with him, I can't talk about sex for much longer with him. It's not appropriate, we're allowed to be friends and we are allowed to be close but it's getting just a little bit out of line, but that's just me, I get out of line. I crave rebellion.
I was so high, had too much. I was laying in bed twitching, and I was so cold, I felt a little bit sick but I just had to concentrate on a game on my phone until it passed, then ibwas just left with thoughts knowing he is about 15 feet away.
My dreams where intense, he just kept slamming open the door over and over and getting into the bed with me.
We talked like friends, like we where both men, we talk about how girls orgasm. It's alright though, I'm bisexual so really, it's fine? There's nothing to hint avout how I orgasm or how I like things or any single intension that I want anything.
He hasn't tried, he hasn't even touched me at all, he has been such a fucking good friend to me and I love him.
But the conversations we get so deep into, I can't stop thinking about it, and I know he knows there is thoughts there because I can't look at him when he starts talking about what he's done with the girls he's been sleeping with. I just have to look away and force back the smirks.
It's a slightly bazaar relationship were developing but I need to get laid proto because I can't sleep with him, there's no way that will work out well with anyone, it will ruin so much, I just hope ot starts fading.
I was really hoping he would but also would not open my door in tje night because I don't think I would have told him to fuckoff because I was unbelievably vulnerable and I think I did well not getting up amd going into his room, considering how fucked and horny I was I did such a fucking good job.
It's bittersweet, you can't really build a bond with someone as strong as it's gonna be, and sleep with them in secret. I'll just end up falling for him I'd be that stupid girl who can't stick to her word about casual. So it's staying as it is.
But the fire I felt last night, I don't know where it came from. I needed to be touched, I needed someone to slam open the door. Someone. That's made me feel better, the choice of words there that subconsciously dripped out of my typing fingers.
I just wanted someone. He just happens to be around my age, on my wave length and be so lovely to me. Unbelievably. He really doesn't owe me anything, and I'm sure he would have realised how high I was and how I rushed off to bed and seen it all over my face how needing I was, sure he must have. But he let me sleep, no matter if he was fighting with it in his own head as well, he didn't.
And that, my friend, is probably the best thing someone has ever done for me. This is probably a strange post that makes little sense but it's always important to me to have a little rant about the shit I get myself into.
Also for anyone who is bothered I've finally set up counceling sessions. All I have to do is answer the phone tomorrow morning to confirm set days and times. I really don't want to answer the phone at all, I wish they could just email me I'd respond a lot fucking quicker than answering the phone...
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