PAMphlet Of Thoughts

[pamafterdark]

a friend said i needed an outlet, so i’m trying this.

no big plans. no aesthetic. just somewhere to put the thoughts that won’t stay quiet. maybe some writing, maybe just feelings.

this is for me. if you’re here, welcome.

[pamafterdark]

I finally got the answer I was waiting for.

For ten days, I kept hoping the silence meant there was still something left to save. I kept thinking maybe she just needed time. Maybe she'd come back when she was ready.

Last night, we talked.

She told me she still loves me. But she also said she doesn't want to be with me anymore.

I don't think there's anything more painful than hearing someone say they love you and goodbye in the same conversation.

We apologized. I cried. It wasn't angry. It wasn't messy. It was just... over.

I wish I could say I accepted it right away, but I didn't. My chest still hurts. I still want this to be a bad dream that I'll wake up from.

But I also know that I finally got what I've been looking for these past ten days.

An answer.

Not the one I wanted, but the one I needed.

I don't know how long it'll take before this stops hurting. I don't know when I'll stop reaching for my phone or thinking about her every few minutes.

But at least I'm no longer waiting.

I can finally start moving forward, even if every step hurts.

[pamafterdark]

In another life, I would’ve loved cooking brunch for you every day.

Yung tipong gigising ako nang mas maaga, kahit inaantok pa, just to make sure your eggs are the way you like it. And I’d cook gulay too. Kasi as a trentahin, yun lagi cravings mo. I’d learn your comfort meals by heart, like it was second nature.

I would’ve loved that version of us, yung simple lang. Yung tahimik na umaga, magkasabay kumain, ikaw half-awake pa, ako pretending na hindi ako kinikilig sa maliit na routine natin.

Not just in this life.

Kasi sa mundong ito… we had love, yes. Pero hindi tayo umabot dun sa version na ang araw-araw, brunch lang at “stay a little longer” ang problema.

[pamafterdark]

Hello, stranger.

Napadaan ako sa pictures natin today. Travels, anniversaries, dates na dati ordinaryong araw lang.

Naisip ko i-delete. Sabi nila part of moving on yun, diba? Pinilit ko pa nga sarili ko umiyak. Akala ko pag nakita ko yung memories natin, babagsak ako. Pero wala. Tinitigan ko lang sila.

Tiningnan ko kung gano tayo kasaya sa nga litrato na yon. Kaya hindi ko dinelete. Hindi pa ngayon.

Napunta ako sa first travel natin together, Iloilo

Naalala ko pa noon kung gaano ka ka-hesitant mag-travel. Lagi mong sinasabi na nakakapagod bumiyahe, na mas gusto mo na lang magpahinga. Kaya sobrang saya ko nung after ng Iloilo trip natin. Sabi mo pa nga gusto mo tumira dun.

Doon na nagsimula. Sunod-sunod na trips natin. Naging part na siya ng relationship natin. Lagi tayong may inaabangang next flight.

Tapos naalala ko, may plan pa pala tayo mag-Iloilo next month then diretso Boracay.

At ang funny lang kasi lahat ng trips natin, ako naman talaga ang nagpaplano. Ako naghahanap ng flights, nagbo-book ng hotels, gumagawa ng itinerary, nagre-research kung saan tayo kakain at anong pwede nating gawin.

Tapos ikaw, sasama ka lang. Minsan magrereklamo ka pa na nakakapagod, pero sa huli, ikaw din yung pinakamasaya sa mga pictures.

At gusto ko yung role na yon. Gusto kong may pinaplano akong susunod nating pupuntahan. Gusto ko isipin kung anong bagong lugar ang ipapakita ko sayo.

Pero ngayon…

Wala na. I guess mag-isa na lang ako next month sa Iloilo.

Ang sakit isipin na lahat ng bagay na dati “tayo” ang gumagawa, kailangan ko nang gawin mag-isa.

Wala nang katabi sa eroplano. Wala nang magtatanong kung anong next stop. Wala nang tatawa sa mga maling liko ko habang sumusunod sa google maps.

Pero itutuloy ko pa rin.

[pamafterdark]

Yes, I’ll leave this restaurant soon. I’ve already paid my bill. I know there’s nothing else on the menu that will change my mind.

The service became slower when they realized I was a regular. They stopped trying because they thought I’d keep coming back anyway.

Still, I left the chef a tip.

Because there were dishes I loved. Because there were days this place felt like my favorite corner in the world. Because I can acknowledge that it once made me happy, even if it doesn’t anymore.

So let me sit here for a little while longer.

Let me look around one last time. Let me memorize the table where I spent so many evenings. Let me feel the sadness of knowing that when I walk out of this door, I may never come back.

[pamafterdark]

“If I wait, it’ll never be me. If I move, it’ll never be you.”

The saddest thing about no contact isn’t the silence. It’s the pride. It’s the two people who probably still think about each other, both refusing to be the one who breaks.

Because if I reach out, I lose the chance of knowing whether you ever would have.

So I stay quiet.

I tell myself that if you miss me enough, you’ll find a way. And if you don’t… then maybe that’s my answer.

The painful part is accepting that some answers arrive as silence.

[quotefeeling]

“There are some people you’ll never see again. At least, not in the same way.”

— Iain Thomas

[pamafterdark]

They say it takes two weeks to form a habit.

Fourteen days of doing something over and over until your brain accepts it as normal. Until it stops looking for what used to be there.

It’s only been three days of no contact.

Three days of reaching for my phone and remembering there’s no message waiting. Three days of wondering if you’re awake too, if you’re thinking of me too, if you’re fighting the urge to reach out the way I am.

Eleven more days until two weeks.

I don’t know if that’s how it works with losing someone. I don’t know if my heart will suddenly wake up on day fourteen and decide it’s okay that you’re gone.

But right now, I’m counting.

Not because I want to forget you.

But because I’m hoping one day, checking my phone for you won’t be the first thing I do anymore.

[minimalistquotes]

Accept what happened. The past is done. You can't go back and change it, no matter how much you want to. What you can do is stop letting it control your present. Accept it, learn from it, and let it be part of your story not the whole story.

[pamafterdark]

I’m finally letting go of the idea that there was a version of us where this never happened.

Maybe this ending was not a surprise. Maybe it was a truth I had been avoiding.

[pamafterdark]

I always thought the scariest part of being hurt by someone you love was the pain itself.

It’s not.

It’s the moment after, when everything goes quiet. When the person who just hurt you is still the same person whose hand you held yesterday. The same person who knows your favorite food, your childhood stories, the little things that make you laugh.

How can someone be both your comfort and your fear?

[pamafterdark]

I always said I just needed lambing whenever I got hurt or upset.

Just a bit of softness. Some reassurance. Something that makes me feel like I don’t have to explain why I’m already hurting.

But there were times her messages would feel cold. Not outright rude, just distant enough that I could feel myself overthinking. In those moments, I would also pull back. Not to fight back, just to protect myself.

Then she would get mad.

And suddenly I’m the one being cold, the one being distant, the one starting something I didn’t even feel like I started.

So I would explain. Again. That I was just reacting to how I felt in that moment. That I didn’t mean to escalate anything.

But it never really comes out the way I want it to. It always turns into something heavier.

The last time we broke up, she told me “alam ko na gagawin ko sa susunod.”

And I remember actually hoping. Like maybe this time, things would be different. Like maybe I wouldn’t have to keep going through the same cycle every time I get hurt.

But it still ended up the same in the moments that mattered.

And I think I just slowly stopped expecting lambing at all. Not because I didn’t need it, but because it hurt less than hoping and not getting it.

[pamafterdark]

hi, stranger.

it’s our monthsary today. i miss you a little extra.

but don’t worry. i’m not gonna reach out. i’m trying my best to let go gently this time.

i love you always. bye.

[pamafterdark]

hi, love.

i don’t know if you’ll ever read this, but these thoughts have been sitting inside me for days now and i think i just need to let them exist somewhere.

i still think about that night all the time. what makes it harder is that moments before everything became heavy, we were laughing so much. we felt normal. we felt okay. i remember looking at you and still feeling so much love there.

and then suddenly i was crying in front of you harder than i expected to. i think the pain just finally caught up to me.

i know i forgave what happened a long time ago. i know i chose to stay after it. and i really did try to move forward with you. but i think some hurt stays quiet until one random night it doesn’t anymore.

and even while i was crying, all i wanted was comfort from you. not a perfect explanation. not for you to magically fix everything. i think i just wanted you to hold me for a second and remind me that i was still safe with you.

that’s why this has been so hard for me to process. because i wasn’t asking for much, but somehow i still went home feeling emotionally alone.

and i know i had shortcomings too. i know i wasn’t perfect in our relationship. i know there were times i could’ve communicated better, loved better, understood you better. i’ve been thinking about all of that too.

but i also know i loved you deeply.

i loved you in ways that changed parts of my life. i pawned jewelry that meant a lot to me because i wanted to help you when things were difficult. i spent the last of my money trying to ease your burdens.

and i never did those things to keep score. i did them because loving you felt natural to me.

i think that’s why everything feels so empty now.

i didn’t realize how much of my life quietly involved you until you were suddenly gone from all of it. now every little thing reminds me that i don’t have my person anymore. i still catch myself wanting to update you about random parts of my day.

and i hate admitting that part of me is still waiting for softness from you.

i think because no matter how much i try to act okay, some part of me still misses you in every quiet moment.

sometimes i wonder if you miss me too.

sometimes i wonder if certain parts of your day still feel empty without me in them.

but i also know this feeling is temporary.

i know one day i’ll stop checking my phone hoping for comfort that may never come. one day i’ll stop measuring my mornings by your silence. one day i’ll learn how to exist without the person i built so much of my life around.

i think right now i’m just somewhere in the middle of all of that.

trying to grieve. trying to let go gently. trying to heal without turning all of our love into something bitter.

and even after everything, i still hope you’re okay.

[pamafterdark]

i think that’s what makes it harder to process.

because literally moments before everything fell apart, we were laughing so hard together. everything felt normal. safe, even.

and then somehow the night turned into me crying and asking to be comforted, and now i’m here replaying both versions of us at the same time.

the one laughing with me like nothing was wrong, and the one who left me hurting like this.

it’s confusing when your last memories with someone aren’t all bad. when the warmth and the pain happened almost back to back.

maybe that’s why my brain keeps going in circles. because part of me is still stuck in the version of the night where we were okay.

[pamafterdark]

i keep falling asleep thinking maybe i’ll wake up to some kind of comfort from her.

and every morning the first thing i do is check my phone before i even fully open my eyes.

it’s so embarrassing to admit because at this point it’s not even about fixing the relationship anymore. i think i just want to feel like my pain mattered to her.

and the worst part is i know if she gave me that comfort right now, i’d come back without hesitation.

but every morning it’s nothing.

and somehow that silence hurts all over again.

and i think that’s the hardest part. not even the breakup itself, but realizing i’m still waiting for something that probably isn’t coming.

[pamafterdark]

i think the hardest part is that even now that we’re over, a part of me is still waiting for comfort.

not for us to get back together. not for some huge apology. not even for everything to magically make sense.

just comfort.

because the last thing i remember is crying in front of someone i loved and saying “i just want to be comforted,” and somehow i still feel stuck in that moment.

it’s such a lonely feeling when the person who hurt you is also the only person your heart wants softness from.

and i hate that even after the breakup, after all the pain, after trying to accept everything, there’s still this small part of me hoping she’ll realize how much i was hurting and just hold me through it.