awake and unafraid

There's a room where the light won't find you; holding hands while the world comes tumbling down.

[panaeca-blog]

09.05.2017; 21:17

Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb.

I want to talk to you, I really do, but it seems like I just cant force myself to gather the courage and speak to you. I know that if I want anything to happen I have to be willing to have the guts to say something and speak up but I cant, I cant I cant.

In principle, it seems easy to speak to you when I’m not face to face with you, but in person I just get scared, so so scared... I wonder if you think of me too? I wonder if you think I’m difficult to speak to as well? I wonder if I make you nervous? Probably not, but its comforting to think that I am not alone in my nervousness.

[panaeca-blog]

09.03.2017; 23:31

The idea of you makes me so happy.

I feel like I’m rushing into this once again, falling headfirst into a pit of emotions and feelings, unaware of the perils that lay waiting in the uncertainty. Part of me is terrified; scared that you will realize I am not worth the trouble, scared that you will stop caring, scared that I will care too much. The other part of me is excited at the prospect of us, the idea of the convocation between our two beings holding any sort of meaning whatsoever. 

I have an opportunity. I have a chance to make this work. This should make me happy, and it does, but I am so anxious because I get nervous, oh boy do you make me nervous, and I am anxious that I’ll mess everything up.

At the end of the day, this would be a dream come true for me; but I feel that you would be getting the worse part of the bargain. Because I am broken, I am not trustworthy and I am uncompromising. I am outspoken, I am stubborn, I feel too deeply; there are so many issues with me.. how can I expect somebody to tolerate me when I can barely handle myself?

However, you give me hope. Your personality and your maturity give me hope. Your presence is synonymous with a calm storm blowing across the unruly ocean, serene regardless of the destruction and chaos looming in the water below. Like the ocean, I pray that you can handle my recklessness and self-destructiveness. I pray that you remain peaceful and kind and good regardless of the terrible chaos I may bring to your life.

[yellowsunbluedove]

In the mood to sit on a specific boys lap and kiss him until I can’t feel my lips

[panaeca-blog]

29.08.2017; 17:23

One of the worst feelings in the world is loss.

I can’t even begin to describe how terrible I feel now that this outlet, this journal, this last known account of my struggles are gone. Over a Thousand now lost in cyberspace somewhere, hidden behind code and firewalls. I should’ve suspected that it would end this way; the worst part is that it went out not with a bang but with a whimper - it died quietly in the night with nobody as witness but the cold dark expanse of the Web.

In some ways, it feels good to start anew, it is refreshing to not have the baggage of the past enveloping me anymore. Yet, there is still a minuscule part of me that wishes this were not so; I found comfort in those thousand entries, those feelings of seemingly endless sadness. I feel that it is somewhat therapeutic to look back on where you were and where you struggled and be able to think, “I made it, I did this.” Yet I was robbed of this and the opportunity to say goodbye to my past and who I was.

It is important, I think, to remind myself that this is not a funeral. This is not the end, this not an attempt at replacement. This is metamorphosis. This is genesis, this is birth, this is renewal. Let me take in the lessons I learned from the past, from the Thousand, and become someone, something new.

[thepedigreeofhoney]

What always shocks me is there are people I’ve met once maybe twice who are more relevant in my life than people I see everyday? temporary/permanence confuses me bc time isn’t linear and while relationships take work n effort bonds are different and completely transcend / ignore physical time

[panaeca-blog]

28.08.2017; 7:45 PM

How strange that somebody I used to know has now become a stranger?

Sometimes I feel like there is just too much wrong; different time zones, different moods, not enough time, never the right time. These are excuses I tell myself to make up for the fact that there is a fundamental disconnection; one which has existed from the moment you left.

How strange it is that we used to be friends, I used to mean something to you yet as of this moment my existence is utterly meaningless? What sense does it make that our friendship has withered away to a non-existent acquaintance; now we are merely strangers who share a past.

Its a very strange experience, holding on to an individual, or rather your memory of them, though in their current state they are the antithesis to your own perception. When individuals continue to change and develop characteristics which completely oppose their former ideologies, who is to say that either their past or present is an honest representation of their character? Who is to say that humanity does not just continue to reinvent itself over and over again?

They say that once every seven years, all the cells in your body regenerate. By this same logic, after seven years, the person who I used to call my friend does not exist anymore. The person who I grew up with ceases to exist, at least not in the way I remember him to be. If this is all true, what does that say about me and the people around me? Do I really know anybody?

[musterniillustrates]

ok so i made the mistake of standing on the beach in the dark and listen…….. listen. there is nothing that cares about you less than the ocean in the dead of night. it is tangible. you can’t fuckin see a thing. there is no horizon. it’s a ceaseless void and she cares for no one and loves nothing. you have to respect her bcs she clearly has no fuckin love for you and if she wanted she could take you and NO ONE WOULD KNOW

[chiajna-deactivated20231118]

Eastern European home aesthetic

[semfoco]

[nitrons]

my summer17 spotify playlists: august, july, june 

[mothurs]

WHY!!!  AM !!! I !!! SO !!! SENSITIVE !!!

[panaeca-blog]

8.08.2017; 17:20

Why won’t you let me go?

From the moment our paths crossed over two years ago, the imminent hatred you’ve exhibited in response to my existence has hung around you like a collection of storm clouds. How foolish was I, how foolish were we to ever assume that you would ever end your futile attempts to control me?

The worst part of this is your obsession, your cruel hunger, your fixation with my demise. Why won’t you let me go? I don’t know what you want from me. I don’t know why you are so fixated on me and my life. Maybe this was your intent all along; maybe this was all you wanted, to push me to the edge. Whatever your intention is, your fixation upon my life has become quite disconcerting.

Do I threaten all your plans?

Except, I’m not insignificant; clearly I scare you. Clearly you feel threatened by me, and honestly I pity you; how pathetic to be stuck in the past and stuck in that juvenile ideology. While you’re physically mature, it doesn’t surprise me to see that your mind is still mentally undeveloped and your head is clearly well acquainted with your rear end. I honestly pity you; is this what your life has come to? Targeting an innocent person because of your fucked up misconception of superiority?

Good luck to you in the future, good luck with your pathetic existence because clearly your life can only go downhill from here.

[thexfiles]

me: has had 2 good days in a row

my brain: It’s Time

me: for what

my brain: It’s Time

[sparrow-va]

you better watch out, you better watch out, you better watch oUT, YOU BETTER WATCH OUT, YOU BETTER WATCH OUT, YOU BETT–

[panaeca-blog]

8.06.2017; 23:31

It comes in the darkest of times; when I’m alone, when the day draws to a close and the shadows lengthen, when the silence becomes a deafening roar in my ears. It comes in the darkest of times; this insidious fear of the shadows and the creatures that lurk beyond. How does this fear still plague me? I came into existence almost seventeen years ago, yet this fear feels like it has been with me for over a lifetime.

I wonder sometimes, what makes me different from the adults who surround me? In a year and a half, when the feeling of responsibility and coming of adulthood which has long since eluded me comes into existence, what will make me no less different than those whom I look up to, who guide me?

Eighteen. A scary number which seems to carry a sense of responsibility and the weight of the world within its eight letters. They say that once you become one of Them, the fear ends; no longer do the terrors of childhood and the insecurities of adolescence plague your thoughts. No, rather, the calm serenity and cool indifference of adulthood envelop you. As a teenager, I am reluctant to admit to the things that scare me; I am reluctant to admit that I still fear the darkness and the creature which lurks in the part of my subconscious which is unaccessible to me. Very rarely would I ever admit to the cool fear that envelops me when I realize that I am alone and there is nothing to protect me from the Silence. They say that the fear leaves when you reach adulthood, when your mind is no longer capable of dreaming up the terrors which a child may imagine. Somehow, I doubt that.

Yet this is strangely comforting; the idea that this fear will never leave me. This belief that I share in the same fears which plague the generations before me; the idea that I am not exempt from the terror which has haunted civilization and lived in the minds of humanity for decades. This knowledge of my new reality is what keeps me sane.

[studyblr]

there are four types of people:

neon signs, biting your lip, adrenalin, late night talks, vintage vinyls, raspberries

journals and stationery, whispers, feeling sleepy, browsing wikipedia for 2 hours, streets in foreign cities, sculptures

daisies, the sound of laughter, pressed flowers, genuine compliments, oversized sweaters

marble, sarcasm, old books, lightning, skyscrapers, crystals, proving them wrong

[panaeca-blog]

Goodbye.

A lot of you already know this, but I haven’t been on tumblr in quite a long time. I’ve been extremely busy with school and I don’t have time for this blog anymore. This has been a change that I’ve grown to accept. I hate to say I’ve grown out of tumblr but I do not find the same appeal I used to find in this website. I apologize for those that have sent me messages that I haven’t replied to, but I guess its time to finally say goodbye. For those still following me, thank you for everything. I will leave this blog and my theme blog up for those who want to use my codes, but this is goodbye. Thanks for a great time everybody and I hope life treats you all well.

[straighthater]

i may be ugly and untalented

[macintush-deactivated20140612]

but…?

[straighthater]

thats all

[wumbolivio]

I’m always a slut for free shipping