Ten Women I Have Been Warned Against Becoming:
1. The Girl Who Takes Up Too Much Space, always, her shoulders too wide in stairwells, her hips too big in doorways, her voice too loud in classes. This woman does not understand the art of crumbling, of curling herself tight like the spiral of a fern, soft, delicate, unwilling to reach out the ivy of her fingers to grasp onto what should rightfully be hers. This is a beast, an elephant, a moving mountain and she is capable of flattening you, she is capable of ruining you, she is capable of making you feel as small and insignificant in her life as she is supposed to be. You are this womanâs footnote to history, you are her side note in song lyrics, you are constantly interrupted by her with a witty joke you wish you thought of. I asked what the problem was with being a steamroller instead of a sunflower and I was laughed down.
2. The Beautiful One, the long hair or the slim waist or the pretty eyes or the lips like bowstrings. This woman looks good in everything because sheâs confident in whatever you put her in. Sheâll cut her hair short on you no matter how you like it, sheâll wear high heels and step on your opinions, sheâll look hot as hell no matter what size she is. See, the reason you canât trust her is because women like this donât need your permission, theyâll do as they please and get away with it. Theyâll say no to you, over and over. Teach your daughters that beautiful means dangerous, teach them to distrust women who love themselves. Equate beautiful with vapid, equate pretty with stupid, take their power from them. Say theyâre vain for their makeup, refuse to see them without it. These women are snakes, they are serpents. I said maybe the problem lies with you being unable to control yourself and was told to get off my pedestal.
3. A Bitch. Women are supposed to be ladies in the street but will tear skin under sheets. Iâm told: Never raise your voice. Speak gently. Submit. Hold your opinion against your lips and when you admit to it, make sure it comes out as a butterfly wing suggestion. Donât disagree. Donât undermine someone elseâs authority, regardless of whether or not they deserve your respect. Someone touches you, just move away from them. Donât hit. Donât talk back. Be like the ruins of Rome, only beautiful if you canât hear your quiet death.
4. The Needy One. I have heard how others spit when they talk about how she gave you everything and you shoved it back down her throat until she choked on it, until she came back crawling and asked you what she did, until her palms and knees were scraped for want of just a little affection - never be this woman, Iâm told, because sheâs a joke and the joke is that she dared to have more emotion than you did. The truth is, Iâm told, the one who cares less in a partnership is the one who wins. I didnât know this was a competition.
5. The Cock Tease, certified stripper, how dare that girl look like that and not want me to sleep with her. Lust is always personified as a lady in red with a dress slit up her thigh. Lust is sinful because itâs power, itâs not asking for attention - itâs demanding it. Iâm told she is the worst kind of woman, that looking good is supposed to be some kind of shame on her kin. Iâm told not to leave the house in such a short skirt, not with a shirt so low, not with a lace back, not with high heels, not dressed like that. My lipstick canât be too red, my hair canât be too mussed, I canât just âturn someone on like that and then leave them wanting.â I mentioned that instant gratification actually ruins our psyche and was told that being led on was âexhausting.â I said that there was a difference between purposefully tricking someone into liking you and just being attractive or friendly. I was told thereâs also a difference between coffee and tea but both result in caffeine. I said, âIâve been turned on in class by the girls I talk to but I didnât expect anything from them,â and they said, âItâs different, youâre not a man,â but couldnât explain where that difference was.
6. A Slut, obviously ruined by another personâs touch. It doesnât matter how many people sheâs actually been with, itâs all about the rumors she carries with her. Easy. Harlot. Youâll still try to get with her, youâll still take her into your bed and kiss her and say things you donât mean - but youâll defame her name when you talk to your buddies. My father used to say âA slut is fine for the night, but the virgin is who you take home and marry.â Maybe he didnât know he was teaching his daughter to hate her sexuality. Maybe he didnât know that every time sheâd be kissed, her whole system would shake until she felt ready to combust, shame and self-hatred shivering against her spine. Maybe he didnât know sheâd disconnect emotions and sex because he always told her, âBoys are different, they wonât care about you.â Nobody said to her that it was okay to experiment. See, the funny thing is, Iâm a dancer so I know exactly where my center of gravity is. I know how hard Iâll fall in each direction. Yet out of fear of getting hurt, I wonât let a single person inside of my bed.
7. The Soulmate. Never love romance more than you love being cynical. Never show weakness, never like pink, never think maybe you might find someone nice and settle down with them. Someone will find you, I was told, And if youâre lucky, heâll put up with you when you start getting old. Never be the woman who believes in happily ever after, never be dumb enough to think maybe someone could love you after all of your mistakes. It has nothing to do with whether or not a family is important to you and youâre in a good place where a relationship would make your life better - youâre not a princess. You donât get married, you settle.
8. The Girl With Strength, who can outrun everyone and who is stronger than her boyfriend. âSee the thing about boys,â says my daddy, âIs that you have to let them win.â I sat at home and read stories about Artemis and wanted to become the huntress, too. I wanted to howl at the moon, I wanted to slay the beasts that bested me, I wanted to rule my kingdom with bloody fists. But girls are never athletes, never supposed to be âbuilt,â regardless of the fact civilizations were constructed on our spines and we made homes in war by the steel of our ribs. Never be strong. We are supposed to wilt.
9. The Lady CEO: because if you choose work over family, are you really a girl? How dare you fight your way to the top through every pair of eyes that bore through your blouse, through every meeting where you were hushed by the sound of someone else talking, through every time someone called you âsweetie,â how dare you yearn for something. Is your husband the stay-at-home one? I canât imagine how that is going. Heâs not a real man, after all. I donât give it long before the divorce. How dare you decide youâre happy being single. Donât you know youâre supposed to bear children. Where is your honor? Where is your wisdom? Who cares if you are the leader, the best suited for your position, the quickest-thinking, the one who makes the hardest clients come back again. Donât you see? Across history, women have been terrible at success. They always lose their man in the end. (When I said, âI would rather be a famous author than a mediocre mother,â I was told, âNo, donât worry, youâll be a fine mommy.â)
10. THE GIRL I AM: FIRECRACKER AND DONâT YOU FUCKING FORGET IT IâLL RIP YOU TO SHREDS AND I WONâT FUCKING REGRET IT IâM NOT YOUR PRETTY GIRL IâM NOT YOUR ANYTHING IâM PERFECT, MOTHERFUCKER, AND IâM NOT GOING TO GIVE UP WHAT IâM DOING. I DONâT WANT TO BE âLADYLIKEâ THAT LITERALLY MEANS NOTHING IâM NOT GOING TO STOP STANDING UP AND DEMANDING WHATâS COMING TO ME. IâM GONNA BE SOMEBODY. IâM GONNA MAKE THEM REMEMBER ME. I REFUSE TO BE OVERSHADOWED IN HISTORY. I DONâT KNOW WHAT YOU WERE TRYING TO CREATE BUT YOU MADE ME A DRAGON YOU PUT ME IN THE FIRE AND WHEN I STOPPED BURNING I LEARNED HOW TO GLOW DONâT THINK YOU CAN STOP ME YOU CANâT TAME A TORNADO.