i finally met a girl who loves and sees me the way i ask, desire, and talk about. the only issue is she picks and chooses when to indulge in those moments. its never consistent but she knows exactly what i like, want, need, and crazy it be, what i expect. its just all on her time. she even knows how to fix it when she fucks up.
wouldnât you be confused too being me? i often ask myself whats wrong we me to be involved w people who act so unsure of me.
youâre probably wondering what i may have done in the situation. i can say honestly nothing. she actually found me when i decided i wasnât going to look for anyone. so because of that i decided i was going to play a new deck of cards i canât consciously remember playing. that deck of cards was âthe real true meâ or atleast the version of me i want to actually be which is soft.
i bet you arenât sold yet. right? yea.
i wasnât cosplaying. i swear! i was me. i was attentive. i surprised her with things she simply mentioned. i paid attention to what she ordered at places and just popped up with them. pretty girls should have pretty flowers. i did that quite often. we went places. i shared my feelings. i got vulnerable. yall.. i sung songs in the car, when we were at a bar, out to get hookah like it was just us two in the world (honestly bc thats what it felt like) and i donât do that. i realized prior to her - when deciding i wasnât going to look for anyone - how so not me i was. how i became accustomed to shrinking me and missing possibly care free, silly 13 year old me. i wanted her again so i decided thats who i would be but of course in my 26 year old body.
not sold? sounds like me me me? okay fine.
i realized she didnât feel comfortable putting 2/5 eggs into her basket. i didnât push the topic. i paid attention. she lacked the notion of trust. simple trust. trust in the instance of simply saying im allergic to shellfish and waiting for a moment i kill her by offering. ofc i remembered that. i like her living and breathing. she was projecting the feeling of being let down as i continued to observe. she deemed after a couple months i would decide to move along. wrong. i kept pouring the real me into her and then eventually the second egg fell.
i kept showing her each day i picked her bc she picked me and im used to doing the picking. she also kept picking me, she technically still does but not in the same consistent way. the capacity is equal just not the consistency. were both extremely loyal to a fault. my certainty is just always going to be prevalent once i find myself being attentive to you.
maybe youâre wondering what her sign is. yea youâre right. its exactly that but youâre wrong about mine.
now were back to whats so wrong w consistently being sure of me?
or maybe were at the question âwell what are you going to do?â
well truly, rather than deciding again i wonât look for anyone. ive realized the idea and reality of people picking me that i would actually pick back being a thing. for next time, however.. im not so sure it will be one. i dont like the idea of actually sharing my true identity to be treated as i should with inconsistency. thats actually a scary and unexplainable feeling in my realm.
do i believe she likes me? oh yes. im sure of that. you donât do the things she did for people you donât like.. she honestly isnât the most selfless person actually.
but really what would i do for a ânext timeâ.. you still want to know? okay. okay.
nothing. i wonât do anything. i wonât overthink it. im aware of what i think in situations when it boils down to my involvement with someone in a romantic situation. im aware that i donât actually ask for unobtainable things, people actually either do or donât and now i know if you donât then you donât want me. iâve realized if you actually decide to do then i shouldnât count on it being on any level of consistent. so next time, even less expectations and actually spending no time being comfortable more so just being me or not.
so yes back to cosplaying who i will be like russian roulette depending on the person and environment they cultivate because im consistent and intentional with the vibration i create and give.
no its not actually manipulation. leave that out of this. its me saving myself from âheartbreakâ or anything that feels that great of a disappointment. everyone else looks out for themselves. so will i.
s-u-f-j-a-n-s-t-e-v-e-n-s
gracieabrams
