Paperpast 30

33 year old artist and designer. CURRENTLY ON SEMI-HIATUS.

[paperpast30]

I feel sad today. It is overwhelming. I do not have strength to draw. And even the little things I enjoy, are too dim to even take light in my darkness.

I think I would just curl up in the darkness and weep until this will pass. I know it will. I just need to let it wash it over me, like an ocean wave, ready to embrace me with its coldness.

[paperpast30]

Tiny Love Stories #2: Dream Murmurs

I saw him.

I saw him in my dreams.

And I know, he saw me. I remembered, beneath the haze and the fog, he reached out to me. His eyes full of yearning. 

We move in slow motion, the dreamworld shifts and murmurs as if nudging us to come closer. And each time we are about to touch....

I wake up.

I began to sleep more often. Even my husband wonders why I began to sleep as early as 6pm. When the night is young and the moon peeked out as soon as the sun sets.

Why as soon as my head hits the pillow, I’m dead to the world.

I only told him that I was tired than usual. Or I was going through my womanly phase. Or that I have a migraine. 

These excuses. Kept in stock.

I sleep for many hours  I may not be alone, but I am still lonely.

[paperpast30]

Tiny Love Stories #1: A Millisecond Of What-Could-Have-Been A Love Story Of A Lifetime

“You have pretty eyes.”

A man, I speculate to be younger by a decade (or so) told me such as I was reading and nursing a small cup of tea at my local coffee shop. 

I was waiting for a friend, who was 30 minutes late.

I lowered the newspaper I was reading, current events be damned, as I politely said my thanks to the man (more like boy), who blushed and turned his gaze to the window where cars slowly moved from morning rush hour traffic.

I observed him closely.

He is pretty himself.

Doe-like eyes framed his round-ish face, but you could see a line of jaw that cuts between his puffy cheeks and neck, his smile bright, nose tall and his complexion fair. His hair is the color of golden wheat, and swept to the side revealing a small space of a forehead. He looked to be of agile build, and was leaning against one of the chairs left vacant, which he made no move into, I suppose to remain respectfully distant.

After what seemed to be a full minute, he turned to me again, and smiled..his doe eyes transformed to little crescents.

I smiled too. His energy radiated like a sun.

He opened his mouth, but no words come out. He looked hesitant, shy. He licked his lips, I could see him trembled. 

He is nervous. That as much I can tell.

I lowered my guard, curiosity and intrigue got the best of me, and I allowed myself to lean over the table, waiting for what else he would say. Or do. 

I looked at him encouragingly, and his amber  eyes shimmered with an unnamed emotion I cannot bring to know, and felt a shift.

For that second, it felt like we had a connection.

Until I heard someone calling my name.

My friend calling my name.

She has arrived, her presence felt all over the coffee shop, by a bell and a yell.

And whatever this boy and I had, has broken.

For the last time, he smiled, albeit looked a little sad, he pushed off from the chair he was leaning on, excused himself and walked away.

Hands on his pockets, shoulders slouched slightly. Eyes still on mine. Like he didn’t want to look away. 

Didn’t want to let go.

A fragile string holding us together. Whatever that ‘us’ is.

Until I completely severed it, when I turned away and landed my gaze to my friend, who remained oblivious (thank goodness) throughout the whole exchange, wrapped up in her own busy-ness, and I slowly allowed myself to be immersed into her chaos. I never knew if he was still in the coffee shop, or he had already left. I never knew and I did not want to yearn.

In a millisecond, I allowed myself to think of the what-ifs and the what-could-have-beens...what sort of path will be paved, should he had said more. Should he had sat down and we started a conversation.

But. No. There is not much space in this mind of mine, as a woman, married. With a life that is carefully put together, cherished, taken cared of.

So I just let it go. And I only hope for him to be well.

Be well. Be happy.

And so I end this tale.

[paperpast30]

You Have That One Relative..

Who says she is open-minded because she has gay friends, LOVES GAY PEOPLE. Finds them fun and cool. She accepts them and is open to all forms of love, because LOVE IS LOVE.

But the moment her offspring comes out as one, she condemns them all to hell and spits bible verses.

Really now?

I hold my tongue because it’s the holidays, but to be perfectly honest, she is no better. And no amount of church-going, donations giving, christ-declaring act can ‘cure’ her child. 

Hypocrite.

[paperpast30]

Finite Thoughts In A Time Seemingly Infinite.

My time here on earth is finite. And every minute means I am closer to my death. 

I do not fear it. Nor I am bothered by it. 

But I am aware that we will all end there. So I spend it in kindness, love, compassion, and empathy.

I often wonder...the richest, the most powerful, the influential, the ones who hold so much privilege, do they even think such things? 

Or do they shove it at the very back of their minds and pretend they are immortal? That they are invincible? 

We all start our lives the same: naked, confused, and innocent. 

And we end our lives the same: naked, confused, but not-so-innocent. 

[paperpast30]

Heartbreak

The decision was made just.

But it doesn’t mean it hurt any less.

She has told him,

to pursue his dreams.

To not mind her,

to forget her.

But to still have faith in love,

that he may find in another.

If all else came to naught,

their dreams already had come true,

and they still yearn for one another.

Perhaps from there, 

they would find,

and seek each other again.

Note: 

It was an emotional weekend for all of us.

She chose to let him go. And he was heartbroken about it. 

But he respected her. And I believe he love her more after that. He still promised to seek her out once he is done with his assignments. She told him to not tell her that, if he will do it. Then just do it. So right now, she has packed her bags and is ready to fly off someplace to reflect more. She will be back to normal soon.

She thanked us for accommodating her in such short notice. We told her she can stay longer, but she insisted she doesn’t want to be a burden. She is grateful for our kindness and our counsel. 

She has left our home, heartbroken but still full of hope. And with a promise.

[paperpast30]

A Declaration and A Promise

Woman: “Are you my way?”

Man: “I could be if you let me.” 

Woman: “How can we do this?”

Man: “Then be with me. Trust me. Love me.”

[paperpast30]

To Love or To Let Go (Part 3 of A Tale of Longing and Lost Love)

So my friend is staying with us, she said she needed to be somewhere else because her home is too much to bear with all the memories she had with him. 

She was heartbroken, but also full of hope.

The man she had an intense affair with, had reached out to her, amidst the chaos of his work, he reached out to her crying, that he wanted to abandon everything, to come back and be with her. He, underneath the foreign skies, the endless seas he sailed, the dangerous lands he walked on, felt that he has finally found his HOME. 

SHE is his HOME.

She is who he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. 

The thought made her indescribably happy.

Selfishly, she wants him to be with her. She wants to spend the rest of her days with him. She knew, HE is The One. 

But she is also conflicted. She also harbors a sense of sadness, and dread. 

She did not want him to keep him from his ambitions. Nor wanted to change the trajectory of his life. He has so much potential to change the world, and so much of that potential cannot go to waste.

She knew if he did come to her, down the line, he would resent her. She knew his work is his love, his passion, and his first priority. Before he met her, he had all the world for him to explore. Why would she take that away from him?

Would she want him to come and be with her? Or to tell him not to come and live out his ambition?

To simply, let her go. And she would let him go. And just live out the rest of their days in memories shared in those 4 days.

It is almost asking if she would choose her heart both times over. 

Oh, what to tell her?

My heart breaks for her. For them.

What to tell a heart that seems to already know the answer?

We sat in silence, her tears had dried long ago. She has now spent the remainder of the day by our couch, gazing outside the window, watching the sunset. We all knew, there is not much time. She has to make a decision. And hopefully, the right one.

[paperpast30]

A Tale of Longing and Lost Love Part 2

I call to my love,

who travels with the wind.

Who never stays in 1 place,

for more than 7 days.

I feel my love,

for him I have given myself,

more than I have given,

to my family,

to my friends,

to the isle I am born and raised.

4 days felt like 4 years,

I still yearn for the warmth,

he has given to me.

And the love I gave, 

he has taken with him,

to the skies, the seas, and to the lands,

has travelled forth.

To quell the yearning,

I visit the places he and I went,

and from there,

I will remember,

and will always remember.

I will love him,

and will always love him.

we are no longer 2 separate people,

instead,

we are one.

**NOTE: My friend came over and had a good cry on my shoulder. She said she has received word from the man she love. He is now traveling to a land that is full of chaos, and fears for his safety. But his dedication and passion to his work is greater than the fear surrounding him. However, he now has a purpose, to be the man she deserves to be with. He wants to come back to her when the time is right. 

The future is still unknown for the both of them, but the love burns ever so brightly, and I hope it would act as a beacon of light to find their way back home to each other.

This poem is for her. (And even for him.)

I am rooting for them.

[paperpast30]

A Tale of Longing and Lost Love

It was easy to say goodbye, but hard to let go.

I said my farewells to my lover, as he finally departs from my home.

In my small apartment, in the isle of Mal.

He, who is from a foreign land, had come to love me, as I to him.

Amidst the warm embrace of mid-summer’s heat.

With him, 

my heart rose from cold slumber.

From what we cannot understand through words,

we made up through actions,

through shared gazes,

small touches,

and unlimited smiles.

Love shone through.

4 days buried within his arms,

4 days I sighed blissfully beneath him.

4 days we are wrapped in happiness.

Only him, and me.

But on the 5th day,

After what seems to be a millionth kiss,

and a million tears shed,

I felt my world shatter away,

as he embarked to the skies,

never to be seen again.

taking my heart with him.

Saying goodbye is easy,

but it is hard to let go.

What life I have I gave, 

to my family, my friends, to the isle of Mal,

and the rest, 

I gave to him.

Willingly.

To him I will devote of what is left of me,

to love him wherever he will be,

whatever he will do,

whoever he will love another in the future,

so I can continue to live, 

until the day I die.

**NOTE: I’ve been feeling low the past few weeks, and my friend is going through a tough time. She met a man and they had an intense affair, but they were both aware it won’t last due to the nature of his work. Both are heartbroken by the time they had to separate, and my friend has been sad ever since. I felt like she lost her light and the last of her warmth and hope for love, for it had been taken away with him, but she is hoping for better days, with or without him. I know she is a survivor, and she will overcome this..and maybe find someone else who will treat her well....But I know she is never the same again.

This poem is for her.

[paperpast30]

Secrets of the Dead

My auntie who had passed away recently, has a terrible secret which she kept for almost 10 years. I won’t go into full details, but it got the whole family shook.

We were so surprised at the sudden revelation, as we did not suspect such a thing could be done by someone like her. But it also made sense, not one of her friends (even long-time ones) were present at her funeral. Out of the few I contacted personally, they said they would visit, but they never did, citing that something came up and they could not make it anymore.

Now, we know. And now, we also suspect....do you think she died because of the heavy burden of this secret?

One of my cousins theorized what is considered unthinkable. But I will not write it here. All I can say is...it is unlikely (because of the circumstances), but...BUT it could be possible.

This is something out of a telenovela.

[paperpast30]

My Aunt Has Died

A heart attack was the cause of her death.

It happened after a day of excursion with her family at the mountains.

Preparations are being made as I type this.

While I am aware the inevitability of the end of human life, I still cannot help but feel the slight tug of pain in my heart, knowing the person will not be around anymore.

My aunt was gone too soon.

She left behind a husband, and two children who are still young. It pains me to think what will become of them. I am sure they will survive, but I know at this moment, the loss is too great to process or contain. The loss of the mother is almost like losing a heart in a unit called family. I only hope and pray they will be able to get through this. 

I realize at this age, I am beginning to see the vulnerability of time, life, death, and regret. I now look into my husband, my mother, my father, and my brothers differently. A mixture of fear and sadness at the thought of losing them without warning. 

Most especially my husband. If I were to lose him, I don’t think I could take it. I don’t know if I would survive.

My aunt has departed for the heavens. May her soul rest in peace.

[paperpast30]

Dark Thoughts

Changes happen.

It doesn’t matter how you wanted to stay in one place. Change is inevitable.

You will never have that opportunity to keep still. You have to keep going. There is no such thing as being static. We have to keep moving, even in the noise, in silence, in crowds, and even in solitude, there is that need to move and to change.

Because the world keeps turning, even if you don’t.

However.....

On the other side, there are people who may not want to move, who do not want to change, who may not want to leave the place they made their home. Who decided, willingly...to let the vines and weeds from their soul grow and root them in place. 

They do not want to seek how much time had passed, whether they are being left behind. They instead marvel at the sky that changes colors. Not minding if it were night, or day. 

They do not mind if they become tiny fragments of themselves, to become lost in the fog and be forgotten. The fragments that will sway and tumble in the wind, rain, and sun, until they slowly turn to dust. 

To them, change equates to heartbreak.

While it is a must to change, to evolve, and to move forward....deep down, we still yearn that we don’t have to. At least for a moment. And enjoy a small bubble of happiness that we hold on to for now. 

[paperpast30]

I am back.

But I will be here to lurk only. 

I quit my job which I loved, but it stopped being fun when it hit the 6th month. I couldn’t transition to the next phase they wanted me to do, so I quit. Simple.

I have a solo exhibit this weekend and I am happy to say I am back to my old self. Still weary from my bad depressive state a couple of months ago, but compared to then, I am better now.

Still into TMNT, but now BTS (Bangtan Sonyeondan) has wormed its way into my heart. They were both the reason/s why I snapped out from my depressive state...but no, won’t be making fanart of those two...for now. Who knows. Ask me again in 3 months. 

Miss you all and thanks for reading.

[paperpast30]

Darkness

Aiya, this depression is slowly killing me inside. 

I feel like everyone is happy except me. I want to be happy, and I know I should be....but something is eating me inside. And I am not sure what to do about it. I have not drawn for a long time, and I think that also contributed to my current darkness.

Please let me see the light from this endless tunnel.

[paperpast30]

Month # 2 and # 3: Close But Far from Over

I am on the 3rd Month into this job and my regularisation is in a couple of weeks.  I am excited but also scared.

Between now and on the 21st, I have to prove myself even more than ever. Although my boss has been happy with my performance I am still, anything can happen when you are so close to the finish line.

So, I will just continue to work like I always do, and hope for the best.

Other concerns, if still interested...please, keep reading.

I have been squirreling away canned goods, bottled water, documents for travel and other things in one big bag, which is typically called a ‘Bug Out’ Bag.

Included in the Bug Out Bag is an Emergency First Aid Kit, garbage bags of all sizes, extra underwear, small packets of detergent, and 2 jackets.

This is just the basic of basics. I am still collecting other things like energy bars, chocolates, candies, and maybe another first aid kit.

Yes, I am prepping for something disastrous. And don’t you all think it is already on its way? It is inevitable? I know it is. If Japan is already thinking of evacuation process because of the North Korean Missiles test, then for sure, we will be affected. I do not care how many oceans apart we are, but there is always that possibility that we will all be involved or caught in the crossfire somewhere.

So please wherever you are, I want you guys to prepared yourselves. Prep a bug out bag, something you can grab right away the moment you need to evacuate. Stash it well and good, get your documents in order. If your passport needed to be renewed, then renew it now. If you are married, make multiple copies of your marriage contract. Gather your precious belongings for barter. Stock up on Sugar, Salt, Matches, Water, Gold, Rubber and even Cigarettes....Yes, Cigarettes, even if you don’t smoke. It can be a very helpful tool for bribery. Actually, the stuff I mentioned will become valuable currency when war hits. And that’s what I have been stock piling on. 

Call me paranoid, but the news is already becoming more and more grim because of lack of coverage. If news outlets suddenly had gone quiet, then the more you should be worried. It only means one thing: Silence to avoid mass panic.

That is even scarier. And may God help us all.

[paperpast30]

Hello. I am back. 

It had been a hard couple of months. But grateful to see beauty in between.

Went to Japan for a few days. Saw beautiful things. Met awesome people. Ate good food. Walked a lot. Experienced the cool spring breeze and saw the cherry blossoms in bloom for the first time and it was wonderful. It was the rest and relaxation I needed.

This was taken at Nara Park. I was walking between the cherry blossom blooms and decided to take a selfie. Even if I am not into selfies at all. But this is special. So this time was an exception.

I hope all are alright in tumblr land. I will try to post more. I do miss TMNT.