Trials and Tales of an INFJ; A Paradoxical Life

Thoughts on love, pain, heartbreak, and the confusing paradox of my personality.

[rubyredwisp]

[paradox-personality]

This is where I'm at right now. And unfortunately, it's where I'll always be. Because of my mental illnesses, I will never be able to achieve the things I want to, or the things I should be able to. Everything I do is done to a significantly lower standard than I know I should be capable of. But I just can't. No matter how hard I try. And it kills me. I don't want to live a life where I underperform at every task, even the simplest ones that most people don't even have to try at or think about. I can't live like this.

[compljcated]

i hate that i’m such a hard person to know. i hate that i can’t love myself long enough to realize that even if i don’t want me, someone else might want me. i hate that i’m afraid of letting people in. i hate that i am unable to trust anyone. i hate that acting like i don’t care makes me comfortable but showing how much i care makes me feel out of place and exposed. i hate that being used for my body makes me feel loved but being wanted for who i am doesn’t suffice. i hate that i like being alone but i don’t like to feel lonely. i hate that sometimes i don’t know what to say. i hate that my humor consists of self deprecating jokes that are almost always never jokes. i hate that no one actually knows what’s going on inside my head, but more importantly i hate that i will never actually let anyone know what’s going on inside my head.

[thequotejournals]

It’s bullsh*t to think of friendship and romance as being different. They’re not. They’re just variations of the same love. Variations of the same desire to be close.

Rachel Cohn and David Levithan, Naomi and Ely’s No Kiss List (via wordsnquotes)

This. Just this. It is so true. Love is love. And all we want is to be close to someone who we feel safe with. Romantic love just adds a slightly different dynamic to love. So why can't we all just accept love? It doesn't matter who anyone loves. We should encourage all love, because in all reality, real love is actually very rare. So when you find it, don't ever let it go. And when you see two people who have love for each other, of either kind, be happy for them. Love is vital to a happy life.

[theliteraryjournals]

I don’t suppose you have many friends. Neither do I. I don’t trust people who say they have a lot of friends. It’s a sure sign that they don’t really know anyone.

Carlos Ruiz Zafón, The Angel’s Game (via wordsnquotes)

[awprincess]

source: awprincess

[uhnsaids]

i still see you in my dreams but i think they turn out more like nightmares because all i see are the versions of us that could’ve happened but never did.

they still haunt me. (via uhnsaids)

[mysilentconfessionstoyou]

Why is it harder for you to be my friend when I am the one that’s in love with you? It should be the other way around. You’re not the one that wants someone that they can’t have. You’re not the one that has to watch the love of their life fall for someone else and pretend like you are okay with it. You’re not the one dealing with rejection.

If the tables were turned, I could never shut you out the way that you have with me. -m.t.t. (via mysilentconfessionstoyou)

[paradox-personality]

Why?

You knew how bad things had gotten. You knew how much pain I was in. So why didn’t you try to stop me? And after it happened, why didn’t I ever hear from you or see you again? You told people you still cared so much about me, but it's been two months, and I haven’t even received so much as an “I hope you’re okay.” I know we weren’t in a great place, but if the roles were reversed, I would have been right by your side the whole time. Because that’s what you do for your best friend. That’s what you do when you love someone.

[emptymidnights]

There are times I want to hate you. The feeling is there, bottled up inside of me, but whenever I try to direct it at you, it fizzles out. I hate that you don’t love me. I hate that this is impossible. I hate that you’ll never know and that you can hurt me without even trying. But I don’t hate you. I only know how to love you. And god I love you.

(via emptymidnights)

[thelovejournals]

The saddest word in the whole wide world is the word almost. He was almost in love. She was almost good for him. He almost stopped her. She almost waited. He almost lived. They almost made it.

Unknown (via thelovejournals)

[wordsnquotes]

Sorry if I’m slow. Opening up to people is not a skill of mine.

Kiera Cass, The Crown (via wordsnquotes)

[paradox-personality]

Such a beautiful description. I always feel other people's pain as if it's my own. And I have such a strong desire to be able to take away their pain, even if it means I feel it instead. I just wish that someone would recognise this and feel the same way, appreciating and returning the sentiment.

[paradox-personality]

Why can't you see how hopelessly in love with you I am? When you need something, I provide it. When you need a shoulder to cry on, I'm there. I listen, truly listen to every word you say, even if you're going off about a subject I care little for, simply because I know that it interests you and I love that. Whenever you need encouragement or you're feeling lost, I'm always there to help you see how capable and beautiful you truly are. And there are so many little things I do for you that you don't even notice, because I love you. I am always willing to help anyone, but with you, I take that to an extreme. But you don't notice. You can't tell that I have fallen for you so hard. I am desperately in love with you. I so badly want to spend my life showing you how beautiful you are, despite all of the things you hate about yourself. And all I want is give you my all. But you aren't having any of it.

[paradox-personality]

I am very careful about who I allow to see the real me. It takes a lot of time to build up the trust it requires for me to open up to someone. And even then, I reveal myself in careful layers, watching very closely to see your reaction and how you handle the revelation. If I detect even the slightest bit of discomfort, hesitation, or uncertainty from you, I will immediately pull back. But you, you were different. You worked your way into my inner world with remarkable speed. And you were so good. You made me feel like you truly cared and like you desperately wanted to understand me. And I fell in love with you. Hard. But then it all came crashing down. Something flipped a switch in you. Now I am left heartbroken and hurt and full of regret. I hate that I trusted you and let you in, and that you used me and continue to use me because I can't let you go. But most of all, I hate that I still love you so passionately even though you broke my heart and won't give me a second thought.

[paradox-personality]

This so beautifully describes the challenge I face when it comes to love. I desperately want to tell him everything, but I’m afraid and I often don’t know how. And I am terrified he’ll get tired of being patient and he’ll walk away, never looking back.

[paradox-personality]

But no one is ever willing to take the time to let me prove this.