vanity

to talk about my love

[parasiticallyyours]

the lover blog ( for the most part ) of a currently unmedicated landmine

<3 12/11/2024 <3

[parasiticallyyours]

why cant she just admit she doesnt love me

[parasiticallyyours]

this isnt fair she lies to me when shes jokign she lies to me when shes serious and she will deny lying but she has to know shes lied before ive gotten upset over her lying so many times im so hurt why doesnt she value me enough to be honest to me why dont i deserve the truth

[parasiticallyyours]

oh my god all i fucking do is get shoved back down and shoved back down and if i take too long to get back up they hold me down and if i get the strength to get up again they wait for me to get really close before they reveal they were holding back earlier and shove meback down

[parasiticallyyours]

i wanna rip all my organs out i feel like im about to die

[parasiticallyyours]

bro im gonna lose my mind this isnt fair every time i get comfortable this happens to me and something happens to remind me to nottrust people and to not let my ego have any control over me at all i hate this so much

[parasiticallyyours]

last night was hell i was so paranoid i couldnt sleep and the day starts and my girlfriend wont fucking text me back yaay

[parasiticallyyours]

i think im going to become 50x more malignant than i ever was

[parasiticallyyours]

i wanna kiss allover her pretty face and comb my fingers through her hair

[parasiticallyyours]

mysweetbaaaby oh my sweet girl oh how i miss her i yearn for her touch

[parasiticallyyours]

yesterday she fingered me and i turned around i watched her lick her fingers clean afterwards and that sight alone made me wanna go a second round

[sw4grr]

nutted in 3.14 seconds, call that a cream π

[parasiticallyyours]

i dont really have an addiction problem i neverhave because i drop habits as a form of selfharm because those habits become my only way to feel okay and i force myself to not do anything so i can feel miserable andmaybe finally kill myself

[parasiticallyyours]

can barely bring myself to eat nowadays which is weird because i used to have to try my hardest forcing myself to not eat lol

[parasiticallyyours]

theres an empty pit in my stomach i cant get to go away

[parasiticallyyours]

this is so horrible this is so horrible im literally just a joke my entire existence is a joke everything i say people think im joking everything i do becomes the punchline and im losing my mind im a feral dog rubbing wounds on algae infested concrete my sufferings being broadcast watched by all like a circus event im getting worse and worse everyday im just curling more and more into myself these things watch me with eager eyes as my hair falls out in clumps refusing whatll bring my poor rabid body sustenance losing myself losing everything i was becoming less and less every day dropping mass until im a husk haunting the shell that tried to form what couldve been my future what couldve been a decent outcome they strip me down with their eyes picking human flesh from bone finding all the gross fluid covered secrets buried deep in my body faintly reflected by my actions finding more and more to ridicule to suck the life force from stripping my human down to its disturbing animalistic tendencies to belittle slowly they watch me circle the scraps of my life taking what they can destroying every little piece of what was once mine until im left scratching the pavement trying to find any trace of warmth i can

[parasiticallyyours]

such an emotional person stuck in emotional purgatory everyone thinks im so happy and safe and secure and they all think im able to rely on someone else with my wmotional stuff they think i atleast have one otherperson to talk to so they dont have to be the one they dont know i have nobody either nobody will listen or nobody will care or nobody has nothing to do so i will just burden them if i even try to talk so i dont and i talk to my gf but i shouldnt and i tell her so much and istill donttell her everything nobody knows everything i miss when atleast someone knew everything i miss having someone i was really close to and they were really close to me i miss the closeness i had with brooke before she found someone more tolerable i miss the closeness i had with evan before he found someone more tolerable but i hate him im glad i know nothing about him anymore but at one point i knew a lot about these people at one point i was important i just wanna be important someone please just think about me