[party1971]

I've written 62k words of gay porn lmao.

[party1971]

Girl I'm actually fucking SCREAMING because I was trying to send the second chapter of my new gay sex story to the website I always use and the email has a suggestion to swipe, which always used to just paste your clipboard... but instead when I did it this time it brought up a box that said "help me write a birthday invitation for a five year old" I was like NOPE!!! so close!!! It's actually a gay domination fetish story!!!

[party1971]

Well, although I unblocked him i am not going to answer his calls, I'm going to call him back when he calls me. If it goes through, meaning he unblocked me, then I will start to answer his calls. But if he has me blocked then I still have to block him back lol, even if he's being nice to me.

It's all equal. I treat him exactly how he treats me. That's how I treat everyone honestly, except my family.

I might fantasize about being a loser who gets taken advantage of but that's only me sexualizing my mommy issues. I hate how much of my life is taken up by trying to judge whether I'm being taken advantage of by someone, but sadly you have to always be vigilant. You never get a moment of rest in this world, someone is always trying to get something out of you. Almost NO ONE ever genuinely cares, most people are faking it to use you. And even the ones who care the most often end up using you simply because they are thinking about themselves and not considering your side of things. So that's moreso accidental, and you should be able to point it out but some people have psychological defense mechanisms that would prevent them from even understanding

[party1971]

Also I unblocked Jacob because he, in fact, did give me food and was nice to me. I helped him carry all his groceries in. But the food is probably worth more than that, so I'll do something else for him if he asks probably. I do think it's kind of cute that he is still trying because he doesn't actually need me, although his gf probably didn't want to bring the groceries in. But I almost feel like it was more of an excuse to try and see if he could befriend me again, idk maybe I'm wrong lol. He tried not talking to me unless he wanted something and realized it would just end up with me never speaking to him again. Maybe he didn't believe I was that type of person before. Can't blame him really, since I left and came back a bunch of times, but the other times I left he was still being nice to me to try to win me back. This time he didn't cause he got a gf.

I guess I could have tried to get HIM to be nice to ME. But like... what? That doesn't even make sense. Maybe that's what he meant by some of the stuff he said? But I literally don't know how to do that lol. I have to wait for people to try to be friends with me and that's why I don't have a bf. He'd have to ask me on the first date, ask me to be his bf, etc etc. I'm not even capable of putting myself out there like that, I learned from years of rejection to the point that I actually feel physically sick in my stomach if I think about it seriously. Or like telling someone who isn't my family that I love them. I actually told Jacob that once and it made me want to kill myself. I will never say that to anyone ever again.

Anyway that isn't the point. The point is that he started to treat me like a friend so I'm treating him like one back. Well idk if I'd go so far as to say friend, it's very transactional, but I think so is friendship to him anyway... I really don't mind helping him sometimes if he gives me food even if we don't hang out. That's different from before.

[party1971]

I think it might be cause I've been drinking electrolytes every day so maybe I'm less dehydrated but my sexuality came back and my brain fog got better. I've also been taking lions mane.

I have been really focused on writing this story that fixes the problems with my old one by not letting the main characters have sex quite so easily. They have to keep almost having sex and then being unable to. Although I'm not sure if that will make people stop reading. It's definitely meant to be cute softcore harem, not a porno.

[party1971]

I have so much nostalgia for that "best friends" story I wrote years ago. I wish those guys were real, they were so cute. But I couldn't continue it because it seemed like it had reached a dead end. They had hooked up several times and it just didn't work to let them get into a relationship or anything like that. I wrote a 6th chapter like 3 separate times and deleted it every time, it just never worked. I still get emails years later from people telling me how much they love that story lmfao.

[party1971]

I think it's funny that I fantasize about being an insecure, shy loser. Don't most people wish they were the... opposite? Confident etc. I'm just totally outside of either of those things, I'm independent or something lmao. But I do wish I could be like the highly fictionalized, stereotypical low self esteem loser in some movies but like only if the guy who was mean to me actually loved and took care of me 😭 that's never gonna happen, where am I gonna find someone who loves and cares about me and also wants to make fun of me and bully me??? Hello I'm so fucking delusional

[party1971]

I spent like 3 hours writing an erotic story for no reason that I didn't plan the plot for at all so it's a total mess and I got to the very end and gave up before writing the last part 🥴

[party1971]

Whoever my apartment manager had come over to her apartment looks cute as hell omg. I'm gonna have to ask her about him. Damn he looked cute. I couldn't see him that well, but... his outline sure did.

[party1971]

Does anyone know how to reset tinder though? I wanna match with my mom's friend's son 😭

[party1971]

Anyway I found an Adderall on the floor of a hotel room and brought it home with me, should I take it today? Maybe not though because I didn't get the best sleep. I wondered if I could take it and work on one of my stories.

[party1971]

Yesterday Jacob asked if I wanted the sausage in his freezer. That's the first time he's said a single thing to me in two months that wasn't asking for something. I'm not sure if he finally decided to act like a friend because he realized we'd simply never talk again if he doesn't, if it's because he regretted asking my mom to get him something after only ever asking me for stuff for months when he talked to me (and he knows how I feel about my mom), if it's because he didn't realize I was gone for a week and thought I was ignoring him, or if it's cause he feels bad for breaking my plant, probably as a response to me blocking him over trying to get my mom to buy him stuff, or cause he thought I was here but ignoring me for a week and then finally realized I was actually gone.

Unfortunately, all he did was ask if I wanted it. He didn't try to call me or knock on my door or give it to me in any way. So I'm not holding my breath. I'm over him, but I'm interested to see what he'll do, because I'd be perfectly fine with never talking to him again and pretending he doesn't exist when we run into each other. I'd just forget about him, I mean he ignored me for two entire months except when he wanted cigarettes or his trash taken out. I think he thought I'd stay friends with him to get gabapentin but he didn't realize that it wasn't worth it to me. If he isn't gonna treat me like a friend then I don't want... anything. I never tried to use him. Literally all I wanted was to be his friend (well, or to fuck him. Or to have been his bf if he hadn't been straight) but that's pretty much over now. He's the only one still trying, he could just ignore me and never talk to me again but for some reason he wants to try and keep the bare minimum going. Really not sure why. How is it even worth it?

Anyway I still have him blocked cause he has me blocked, but if he calls me I'll call him back, and text him, and if he ever unblocks me then I'll unblock him. If he gave me that food then I'd start giving him free cigarettes. If he talked to me then I'd start talking to him. I'll treat him exactly however he treats me, if he only talks to me when he wants something then I'll just... well I was gonna say I'll just make him pay for whatever he wants but it's not worth it to me now. I'll just ignore him and move on, I don't want to make money if it means I have to have a relationship with him where he uses me. We could be friends though. If he tried.

[party1971]

Oh wow, when I said bye to him he said "hopefully I'll see you soon" I was just like wow... wonder if he likes me lol. Wouldn't that be cute if I dated the son of the guy my mom is dating?

Idk if she's gonna date that guy though, idk if I'd actually want her to, considering some of the stuff she's told me. She likes him right now because of the fact that he stayed up to make sure she was able to her he car fixed and then drove 3 hours to help us fix our car and he paid for everything too... which yeah, that would make me like someone too, but just yesterday she was telling me that the only reason she talked to him anymore was to make sure she got the money she lent him back, and now she was like holding his waist and shit. Like girl...

Me asf though. Anyway his son seems really cute loool I think he actually might be gay, I don't want to assume he likes me though, but I kinda felt like he did. Idk though lol maybe he was just being nice cause his dad likes my mom and his dad told him to be nice to us 😂 he didn't try to talk to my mom at ALL though but he found reasons to talk to me.

Not very many though, I'd assume he'd try harder actually, but i think he's really shy/has social anxiety or something. He helped me carry my stuff into my apartment loool. I thought they was cute cause I told him to set it down on the porch but he insisted he bring it inside.

I just can't wait to go to sleep im literally so exhausted. Actually it would be nice to see that guy again, is it bad to hope my mom dates his dad so I can see him again? He wants to marry my mom immediately and move in though.... the dad i mean. Like just right away LMFAO she was like um can we date first... idk lmfao his son might be being nice cause he told him to so he can marry my mom and move in LOL.

I mean his son is kinda too young for me anyway. I'm 32 he's probably like ten years younger than me. He's cute, but... probably too young to actually date

[party1971]

Oh i think I'm gonna be sitting in the back of the truck next to him when they take us home... for an hour 😛 my mom's friend's son i mean

His dad was smoking a cig with me and the son came over and the dad put it out and was like "sorry I know you don't like smoking" lmfao

I kinda think he might be gay but I'm not totally sure

[party1971]

I mean I'm kinda dead, the mechanic came back in to ask a question he didn't need to ask and kept looking at me lol. When he left he even turned around and looked at me again... he was so hot...

And i feel like I'm in a harem game cause across from me is my mom's friend's son who mostly just smiles really shyly and he's so cute lol I'm gonna kill myself if I accidentally swiped left on him

He's probably too young for me anyway, i think he's 21 or 22 lol

[party1971]

He admitted he wasn't really that great at fixing cars and said he needs to get his boss LOL that's so cute but we're coming back in the morning to get the car fixed. Well I'm not since he won't be here, but my mom will.

My mom's friend's son is so cute, he's like shy and quiet but when we were looking for the bathroom he walked there with me that was so cute 😭 I thought I saw him on tinder but accidentally swiped past him I'll be so mad if that was really him...

[party1971]

I wanna fuck that mechanic so bad... I kinda wonder if he wants me too from the way he looks at me but i can't find him on grindr so what tf am I supposed to do

These guys need to get fucking grindr like hello

Maybe i need some of the other apps