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I love when I'm listening to solely noise music for days or weeks at a time and other types of songs will pop into my head for no reason and get stuck there. When you're listening to regular music there's not much room for songs you aren't listening to to get stuck in your head unless a word or melody reminds you of them, but noise music is like a blank surface, and other types of music will just come up.

Not that I'm saying I don't listen to it for its own sake. Obviously I do. I make it and the only music friends I really have are involved in making noise music or running noise labels. I love noise music so much but actually don't listen to it that often with the exception of Aaron Dilloway, who I own more physical media by than any other artist, including Bladee.

Kinda loving 90s decor lately!! I'm only doing my bathroom in 90s but... kinda wanna have that as an alternate style for my living room or dining room or something maybe

I was so obsessed with that German guy until I realized he was trying to ignore me on purpose to make me like him. He already has me, why is he doing this? And the way he does it makes it so obvious too 🥴 it made me less attracted to him

I'm starting to realize there was never any reason for me to get a camera, I'm just paranoid 😭😭😭 maybe I'll still keep it on at night since I'm paranoid about my brother breaking in and trying to kill me but I'll put it away during the day

I feel bad having to ignore guys I like or be mean to them back, when they were mean to me, but it's literally necessary. Men are actually all narcissistic people that will use you like a toy if they think they can. If you can prove that you have self worth by showing you can leave them or that you care about them even less than they care about you, suddenly they become desperate and love you. If you love and care about them though, they don't give a single fuck about you.

somehow in the past week I made several new friends and reconnected with/ got closer with internet friends. I wonder if going down on my suboxone made me more... talkative? Emotional? Idk

I met that German guy

Became friends with an ig mutual, well two actually, gay guys that are really perverts like me

Reconnected with a guy I used to send money to to dominate me like 1.5 years ago and he's tired of doing that and we've been talking like normal friends kinda.

And became closer with two girls who are ig mutuals

All in one week!!!

Oh yeah he also called me brother. Surely because I told him that I like being called that. And then that if we met that he'd fuck my throat. So i do think my spell worked. I'm just scared of annoying him but if he wants to know that I like him, if he wants me to say that then I will.

The German guy talked to me today, cool. I was scared he wouldn't.

I'm not sure if he did that on purpose. I sent him another video yesterday and he ignored it and I stopped viewing his stories cause I figured he just wanted me to leave him alone but then he messaged me today and one of the things he said was that he wanted to be "adored" and wanted girls to chase him. I'm not a girl though, but... anyway. He also said if we met that he would fuck my throat and he also said this lmao...

That's so fucking funny to me, does anyone remember the meme where a girl asked her bf to be mean to her and he said something like that, like it wasn't dirty talk, it was... I can't remember. Just an unsexy insult LOL.

I will message him tomorrow. I don't want to annoy him, but maybe he wants me to try and talk to him? I told him he was cute, I really wanted to suck his dick etc.

I did a spell to make that German guy like me. I'm gonna try to do a stronger one though, tonight. I'm just not sure how since I don't have anything he'd touched.

I mean maybe I was wrong that things stopped moving in that direction with Jacob idk, maybe it was only my own perception. Or like he was waiting to see if I'd... try? And thought that since I didn't that it meant there was no point cause we'd never be friends. But like I just can't, I can't go to his door and knock on it or ask for a favor, I'm just too scared that he'll say no. It's not that I think he'd yell at me, but it would make me feel pathetic to ask him for anything and he says no, at least until we're actually friends again, if that ever happens, so i actually need him to be the one who tries to fix our friendship, until it's strong enough that I'm no longer scared of rejection. But until then, like until it becomes normalized that we're actually friends again, the stakes are just too high, like I don't like taking risks for great reward and I'm more likely to give up than to feel pain, that's just my personality. I'm not a gambler. But if he keeps trying and it becomes the new normal then yeah, at that point I'd be able to stop caring about getting hurt because I'd assume I won't.

That German guys name is Markus btw I think that's really cute and he's also really hot and I love his energy but he hasn't talked to me today so idk if we'll really become friends or not

I told Jacob I would never knock on his door when he told me I could have the other night when he said he'd give me food and didn't, and he was like "why it's not like I'm gonna yell at you, the worst I could do is say no" and he reminded me of the time I went over there to talk to him cause I didn't want to be on bad terms and he said we couldn't talk. I can't even remember why I did that though, like I feel like there was a specific reason. If he had talked to me back then, I would probably still be really attached to him, but actually I think it was that exact thing that made me get over him cause I realized he didn't really care that much. And that's still true, and I'm over him, that doesn't mean I hate him or wouldn't be on friendly terms with him, but he'd never be my "fp" either.

Also though I would rather him yell at me than tell me no. I get he was probably saying like if I came to ask him for a ride or something, but i just wouldn't do that. I don't think i would be able to force myself to ask him for anything ever again honestly, bc I'm just like that. Just like I can't ever tell people I love them because of how dima was towards me, it makes me feel physically ill. I would rather get into a fight with someone and have them yell at me than to ask for them to care about me and have them say no. At least if they're mad they still have some kind of emotion. Whenever I'm rejected I just don't ever do that thing again because the thought of being rejected TWICE makes me ill lmfaoooo.

However I do want to point out that I think it's interesting he even realized that was probably the moment I gave up. I guess he could tell it hurt my feelings and I never tried again. I don't think i even realized that honestly because there was like a million different things that happened, but that probably was the pivotal moment. He said if I wanted to talk I could come over and talk, I don't have to ask to, but I don't believe him, and I would never try that again even if he was being serious, because it's not worth the risk of being rejected. He also told me before "no one ever said you can't come over" but he also never tried to hang out with me, so... yeah, I just would never ask him for a favor but if he tries to do stuff for me, I will do stuff back for him. He already did several things for me, I still feel like i should. But it was funny at one point when he said he didn't want to ask me to do too much, I don't think he's able to tell whenever things are even... I honestly think that's because he always feels like he's done more for the other person, even when he hasn't, so to him, giving me like $100 of groceries for me carrying something from his car; he was still afraid to ask for more stuff because he thinks I might think that was even since to him, people are always that unreasonable. I'm very reasonable looool.

We could become friends again probably, it would just all have to be him trying for a while since I literally can't even make myself. So idk if that'll happen; honestly doing stuff for me isn't what would make it happen anyway, what would make it happen is like the other day when we were talking and it felt like old times.

I met this cute German guy on Instagram and he stayed up all night long talking to me about his sexuality. He said he's still trying to figure it out (even though he's twenty four 😭). I think that's so cute. He was very horny and at one point he even almost started jerking off while telling me about his fantasies and fetishes. I could hear in his voice how horny he was. He even told me that he might suck dick and might even let a guy fuck him in the ass but he kept laughing nervously while he was talking about it and was like "this is so gay, I can't believe I'm saying this".

He is a virgin actually. He reminds me a lot of my polish friend, Andrew; they are both slightly socially oblivious and strangely excited (maybe that's just cause they're talking to me). He's less socially oblivious than Andrew though. When he told me how turned on he was by cum, by eating it, tasting it, touching it, because it's pure horniness, I knew I loved him already.

We just met today but we talked all day long. He even told me his whole life story. By the end, he said that he thinks I've made him more gay.

Sometimes i do wish I could still be friends with Jacob. It seemed like it was heading in that direction and then... I don't know what happened. Somehow it got messed up but I have no clue why. It probably has nothing to do with me which is why I don't get it. Or maybe I didn't try hard enough, but I don't think he can blame me after I tried so hard and got rejected, which really hurt me. I just can't really risk it again. Idk. I just don't understand why it seemed like we were about to be friends again and then it just... fizzled out. I just don't know, but. Idk. Whatever I guess. I'm probably just tired.

One of my friends let me borrow $1000 and I paid back $700 and she keeps asking me about the last $300.

I know that since I borrowed it I should pay it back. But I think that's fucking insane because she has a GREAT job. She makes a pretty good amount of money, probably 3 or 4 thousand a month, and doesn't have to pay rent or utilities. I literally do not even have enough to pay for my bills and eat every month. And you know the fucked up thing? I would have just told her not to worry about the last 300 dollars if the positions were switched. I literally would not care, I'd be like whatever, she paid most of it back, we're best friends, just forget about it.

After I pay her off I'm genuinely done talking to her. I'm not shitty enough to just never pay the rest back and cut her off but I will cut her off because she genuinely does not care that I'm struggling, and she isn't... she said she needs it so she can get pottery supplies. She can afford them. I need the money for literal food?

I'm gonna get another camera and back the footage up. Then I'll be able to send to anyone I might need to.

I found it kind of funny that after the day I talked to Jacob and it seemed like before, when we were friends, he suddenly started to ignore me when he saw me lol. He called me twice, the first time i texted him but he ignored it, so the second time I didn't even bother to text him back since I knew he wouldn't reply.

Yesterday I was on my porch when he left, with his gf. Well, he's never not around her. Anyway, i thought about saying hi to see if he'd totally ignore me, to test my theory that he's suddenly ignoring me cause she wants him to, but i didn't. Then he called me and said he wanted to know if i wanted some food that he would otherwise throw away. I said yeah, and actually it would have really helped cause I don't have any food. I told him to call me when he got back, but he never did. I'm wondering if he just calls me whenever she's not around him for 5 seconds, idk why she would care if he talks to me though so maybe it's just him but like... what was the point of asking me that and then never calling me back to give it to me?

Whatever though lmfao like i gave up expecting us to ever be friends again a long time ago. He was nice to me so I was nice back, I always just treat him however he treats me, but i don't really expect us to ever be ground again.

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