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he wasn't even looking at me and he found me
2025 on Tumblr: Trends That Defined the Year
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@pastdefined
i am an old now, and need to relearn how to tumblr. however, i am very much interested in getting back into the role play scene. carolina is easily one of my strongest muses, and most flexible when it comes to verses. however, who even are people anymore? come say hello, drop some blog recs, idk. i kind of just miss writing.
WE ARE PRODUCTS OF OUR PAST but we do not need to be prisoners to it.
credit / feel free to change pronouns !
‘ tell me about the dream where we the pull bodies out of the lake ’ ‘ it’s more like a song on a policeman’s radio ’ ‘ tell me how all this , and love too , will ruin us ’ ‘ we’ll never get used to it ’ ‘ there are so many things i’m not allowed to tell you ’ ‘ we know where the sound is coming from ’ ‘ the world is no longer mysterious ’ ‘ it’s thinking of stabbing us to death and leaving our bodies in a dumpster ’ ‘ i like him and i want to be like him ’ ‘ someone once told me that explaining is an admission of failure ’ ‘ history repeats itself ’ ‘ i wanted to be wanted ’ ‘ frequently i was finding myself sleepless ’ ‘ i’d like my money’s worth ’ ‘ we can’t punch ourselves awake ’ ‘ sorry about the blood in your mouth ’ ‘ you wanted happiness , i can’t blame you for that ’ ‘ a mouth sounds idiotic when it blathers on about joy ’ ‘ tell me you’re not miserable ’ ‘ imagine being useless ’ ‘ there is no way to make this story interesting ’ ‘ i want to tell you this story without having to confess anything ’ ‘ he told me it wasn’t going to be okay ’ ‘ the minutes don’t stop ’ ‘ every morning another chapter ’ ‘ i wanted to give you something more ’ ‘ i’m sorry i came to your party and seduced you ’ ‘ you want a better story ’ ‘ i can already tell you think i’m the dragon ’ ‘ you still get to be the hero ’ ‘ i take the parts that i remember and stitch them back together ’ ‘ here is the part where everyone was happy all the time and we were all forgiven ’ ‘ the entire history of human desire takes about seventy minutes to tell ’ ‘ unfortunately we don’t have that kind of time ’ ‘ it isn’t over yet , it’s just begun ’ ‘ things happen every minute that have nothing to do with us ’ ‘ i wanted to fall down right there but i knew you wouldn’t catch me ’ ‘ you are a fever i am learning to live with ’ ‘ everything is happening at the wrong end of a very long tunnel ’ ‘ i just don’t want to die anymore ’ ‘ you want to die for love , you always have ’ ‘ let’s not talk about it , let’s just not talk ’ ‘ you say ‘ i’ll give you anything ’ but you never come through ’ ‘ i’m hungry and hollow and just want something to call my own ’ ‘ anything past the horizon is invisible , it can only be imagined ’ ‘ you keep singing along to that song i hate ’ ‘ this is the place where everything starts to begin ’ ‘ monsters are always hungry ’ ‘ none of us are going back ’
“You worked yourself so hard that you’ve been sentenced to three days of bed rest.” (◡‿◡✿)
✧°˖ EXTREMELY EXHAUSTED / ACCEPTING. ❜ ( @agentxiii )
this mission isn’t OVER. it feels like it won’t ever be over –– after all, her FATHER is a smart man. if he doesn’t want to be found, he simply WON’T be found. they will be left to run a rat race, collecting meaningless hints of his whereabouts, piecing together what he had hoped to achieve working with hydra, but they’ll never get to HIM. she’ll never see this through –– she’ll never see the END of him.
will it ever be enough… she grits her teeth. the ACHE runs deep to her bones and it takes sheer willpower to remain on her feet; a testament to how STUBBORN she is. it’s like this mission has her captured in its magnetic force, pulling at her limbs, dragging her forward, refusing to LET GO. well, that’s what happens when it’s personal.
“ enough. ” she’s able to mask it in her voice, hide the weariness. but she CAN’T hide the dark circles blooming on alabaster skin, bloodshot eyes making emerald gaze seem slightly less threatening. weakly, the former shield agent swats at the guiding hand, practically moving in slow motion. “––– i’m FINE. if we stop now, that’s three more days he has ahead of us. he KNOWS someone is on his trail and any downtime is time we are giving him to get away. i CAN’T let you make that call. ”
Extremely Exhausted Starters
“You. Rest. Now.”
“You took five steps and need to sit down again?”
“I’m absolutely fine, I just need to sit down.”
“I just need to sit-what do you mean I’m already laying down?”
“Your eyes aren’t focusing. Just close them for ten minutes.”
“Write one sentence on this piece of paper, and then I’ll let you up.”
“I just need a breather, that’s all. Maybe ten. No fifteen.”
“We’re both so exhausted we can’t even argue about not being exhausted.”
“When I said I needed five more minutes I meant it more like hours.”
“… no… I’m tired… let me sleep… I don’t want to get up.”
“We need to get out of the heat, you’re starting to look sick.”
“You can’t hide those shaking hands from me. You need to stop.”
“I’m just a little cold, I’m okay, really. Let me sit with a blanket or something.”
“Moving…? No I’m good thanks.”
“Gravity has a hold on me of which I have not the strength to break.”
“Was… was that actually there? That wasn’t there was it?”
“I’ve had no energy for three days.”
“You worked yourself so hard that you’ve been sentenced to three days of bed rest.”
“Listen I can… I can get up. It’s fine.”
“If we’re both in this state, we both really screwed up somewhere huh?”
“I have energy for exactly one more person of favourable standing, and going the hell to bed. With or without that person, bed is happening.”
“You’ve struggled to move anything for the last hour.”
“This is what happens when you over exert yourself.”
“You were almost dead from pushing it too far!”
“I went a little overboard sure… but I’m still alive. So shh.”
give carolina people to bond with. people she can feel COMFORTABLE with. someone she can openly trust. it’s said that the reds and blues were more successful than freelancer because they were able to fully trust each other, something the freelancers couldn’t do. EVERYTHING about the project was a competition to carolina. she couldn’t even let her heart win, just a little bit. please, be SOFT with her. let her try and be soft as well. in SO MANY verses, carolina kills her father because of the terrible things he’s done. her mother is dead, her brother is sick and depressed. and she just...needs a hug.
they were PROJECT FREELANCER ; a group of highly skilled s.h.i.e.l.d agents recruited to a special operations team, told they would be tracking down HIGHLY CLASSIFIED assets and artifacts and taking down anyone who wished to stand in their way. FIFTY of them had been chosen, but by the time the first mission came around, there were TEN of them left. north, south, conneticut, washington, florida, maine, york, wyoming, texas and her, AGENT CAROLINA.
ct was the first to SUSPECT that something was off about freelancer. their assignments were often a mystery, only being provided enough detail to devise a plan and keep them ALIVE.mysterious crates collected, high tech safes broken into, and numerous stand offs between the agents and those who try and STOP them. over time, the freelancers were sectioned off from the rest of s.h.i.e.l.d, taking orders only from THEIR director, and the enigmatic counsel he answered to. tensions grew as the team was offered the opportunity to field testnew equipment, but only if you RANKED one of the best of the team…
she should have been the first one, yet carolina offered the enhancement to agent maine after an accident that she blamed on herself.ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE, a miniature implant at the base of his neck, meant to aid maine, and eventually ALL of them, in the field. but something wasn’t right. his AGGRESSION grew, as did the distance he put between himself and the freelancers. texas received her’s in SECRET, and her actions mirrored those of maine. york and north were met with INSOMNIA after their implants. suspicions continued to RISE.
they all heard washington SCREAM as the triskelion fell. it was strongest for maine, he had been the FIRST. it should have been her. york and north had pulled theirs when they felt something was wrong. what they were told was supposed to HELP them in the field hadcorrupted one of their best agents, maine turned against the rest of the freelancers as the smoke cleared. HYDRA had employed the director to collect weapons from around the world and to test new “procedures” on some of the strongest recruits s.h.i.e.l.d had to offer, building yet another sleeper cell to do their bidding at the flip of a switch.
following the events of winter soldier, most of the freelancers are presumed dead, including carolina. there are rumors that agent maine, now known as THE META, is still out there. the director, carolina’s father, finds his way into hiding. carolina knows he’s out there and she bides her time, gathering any intel she can on her father and the fallen project. she knows there are those out there who would believe she was COMPLICIT in working for hydra and she means to prove them wrong and put an END to her father, no matter the cost.
leomusings:
with all the posts that are floating around just a general psa for my partners
i will always do a platonic pair — even family
i will ALWAYS take your lady muses
i want your muses of color
i will do aus that are canon (and not)
aus that don’t involve romance
i am okay with you losing muse for a thread
i want multiple threads even with the same muse
tag me in posts
i am OPEN and honest so just slide in my messages even if you’re just having a bad day
✧°˖ WEBSTER, OLIVER·
continued. // @pastdefined
he knows he fucked up the minute he said it. she’s not an easy woman by any means. he likes that about her. how she can make the simplest of things so complicated. only time when things aren’t is when they’re fucking and he’s pretty much putty for her. something he holds no shame in. only he can be just as abrasive as she is. life so different but so the same. the issues with her father he doesn’t understand the total complexity of but given he attended the funeral of his father to only stay along enough for his sister to not punch him says a lot about him. like the fact that he has a mile long list of DADDY ISSUES that make themselves known at all the wrong times.
he owns his inability to care with a sense of pride though. not bothering with the man that did nothing but berate him for all the wrong reasons. he joined the military to escape only to wind up scarred and even more fucked up. the tattoos he collects do nothing to hide the marks. not really. not when he can close his eyes and know that they are there. it matters not as he hears the scrape of the chair and sees the way she walks off. eyes roll immediately because of course she gets up. it’s exactly what he would do. RUN. he looks down at the paper before tossing it across the table. men aren’t worth it. even if he is a man.
maybe he should have given her space but he’s not that type. he can be pushy when he wants to be even though he shuts down entirely when his own feelings are the subject at hand. doesn’t take much for him to find her, moving in front of her, walking backwards in hopes he doesn’t run into something. she wouldn’t tell him if he was. “c’mon, love. i can see how pissed you are. no worries i can take it.” and maybe he is goading her. to see if she’ll yell or hit him. “daddy dearest is six feet under. trust me, the old man doesn’t care if you wallow or you piss on his grave.”
there’s not exactly a LONG list of people that she would expect to understand how she’s feeling, but HIS name lands somewhere around the top ––– he COULDN’T just let her have this moment, could he? it’s not like she’s poured her soul out to him; charlotte doesn’t know how to let down that much of her guard, just peeled it back far ENOUGH that he could see the emotional damage her father had left her with. they’d called him a WAR CRIMINAL in those final days, his project a failure. something that had tarnished her own file. they said it was a SUICIDE, but his blood is on her hands.
she wants SPACE. dealing with her emotions, letting someone ELSE experience her emotions, those are just things she’s never mastered, and she’s not ready to start trying. but there he is, filling up her space as he walks backwards down the hall. her eyes dart past him; seeing him trip over something would be mildly satisfying. nostrils flare is apparent FRUSTRATION. she just. wants. a moment. his voice GRATES on her nerves and there’s just something about his lack of sympathy –– not that she WANTS his sympathy –– that sets her off. charlotte says nothing, but she sees red, she sees black and her knuckles turn white as her fist curls and, without warning, she swings a nasty right hook at his jaw.
WE ARE PRODUCTS OF OUR PAST but we do not need to be prisoners to it.
“ life’s too short to give a fuck ” / from york
✧°˖ VINDICTIVE SUGGESTIONS / ACCEPTING. ❜ ( @wardebted )
i won’t let anything –– anyone –– hold me back. if that were as true as she claims, would they even be HAVING this conversation. if she REALLY meant it, wouldn’t she have returned to her gear, the other new recruits, put DISTANCE between them? but she lingers, and that’s the biggest MISTAKE she could make.
she doesn’t like how EXPOSED she feels, and it’s not the sub suit without armor plating that has left her feeling vulnerable. it wouldn’t do much good seeing as he’s worked his way PAST her personal armor. would a single night live on to HAUNT her for the rest of her life? –– charlotte had AVOIDED personal relationships every step of the way, until that night. she wasn’t the type to say FUCK IT or throw it all away, but just looking at him, her mind kept circling back to how she felt just hours ago, before the call, before the project. light, warm, HAPPY. ( charlotte, when was the last time you let yourself feel happy? officer school, the unsc, those were achievements. true happiness had been absent since she left and never came back… )
his voice PULLS at her heartstrings and makes her want to be reckless. and THAT terrifies her more than anything else. she stands RIGID before him, fingers curling as she grips her helmet tighter like it’s the only thing that can protect her right now. after all, this helmet allows her to STOP being charlotte church. “ i’m not going to say it AGAIN ada–– ” she can’t bring herself to say his name. to admit there is a level of familiarity between them. there this is SOMETHING between them. it sends something cold over her nerves, something that leaves her feeling HOLLOW, a pit building in the depths of her belly. her expression softens, verdant gaze dark and distant. “the GIRL you met the other night disappeared the second she set foot on this vessel, AGENT YORK. there is nothing left of her –– there is nothing left of us. ” ( i’m sorry, i’m sorry, i’m sorry. PRIDE keeps her from showing the break in her heart. )
you guys are some cold motherfuckers
Hey! It’s that time of year again!
Yup! It’s time I booted this masterlist back into shape and updated it now that RvB has started up again!
If you are interested in being added ( or re-added, i’m starting out fresh! ), please REBLOG this post with the following in the tags: * name of your character. * canon or original character.
Or, if your muse is from another fandom, but with an rvb verse, please pop that in the tags for me and I’ll be happy to add you too!
Let’s find each other again in 2019!
“ when was the last time anyone came to rescue you ” / church :c
✧°˖ VINDICTIVE SUGGESTIONS / ACCEPTING. ❜ ( @wardebted )
his words are NOT meant to bring her harm, she knows that. a matter of fact, attempting to put things into perspective. he could have just as easily said YOU’RE THE BEST, CAROLINA ––– YOU DON’T NEED THEM. but these words stir anger, adding to the sting of betrayal. washington’s voice hangs HEAVY in her chest, threatening to suffocate her until she rips off her helmet. HOW could he choose them? her jaw clenches; she wants to SCREAM. after EVERYTHING the director put them through, all of them ––– this was BIGGER than her. this was bigger than him. for maine, for the twins, connie, for york...
but HOW could she think he was actually going to help her? she REMEMBERS sidewinder, more vividly than she’d ever admit to. the shock of her system as eta and iota were PULLED, nerves fried on the spot and scars winding down her spine. the air drawn from her lungs as her body was FLUNG over that cliff, and a voice. SOMEONE else had been there. someone else saw what maine –– what the META –– had done. and no one came for her. and all that time YORK had believed she was still out there. she didn’t deserve his aid, could she BLAME him for not going to look for her ––– but still, it HURTS. no one was ever there to save her. he was right about that. this was HER mission to carry, personal vendetta or not.
she’d see it through. even on her own. no matter WHAT it cost. after all, what else did she have to LOSE? project freelancer had taken everything from her. she’d been stripped of EVERYTHING she was before she was carolina. there was nothing to go back to. no life to try and make once all of this was over. if it was reckless, if it was a SUICIDE MISSION, then at least it was her life to sacrifice this time.
“ maybe YOU’LL get lucky. ” verdant gaze shifts towards the blue luminescence hovering at her shoulder. her expression remains FLAT as she slides her helmet back into place. it’s easier to breathe now that she’s accepted the truth ––– she didn’t NEED them; she never needed ANYONE. “ maybe your friends will come looking for YOU when we’re done. ”
“ life’s too short to give a fuck ”
✧°˖ VINDICTIVE SUGGESTIONS / ACCEPTING. ❜ ( @olliscot )
his words send something CRAWLING under her skin; it twists deep in her stomach and threatens to make her hurl on the spot. a VISCERAL reaction akin to anger, frustration. she’s heard words like his throughout her entire life, sympathetic shadows who just never really UNDERSTOOD it. telling her she shouldn’t give a fuck when she didn’t get a pointe solo, or when she DIDN’T have the highest score on an exam. voices in college telling her to relax. HE was good at telling her to not give a fuck –– most of the squad wanted to say it, but he was the only one who had the balls to do it. he eventually wore her down, too, didn’t he?
her expression sours, verdant gaze shifting towards oliver whilst fingers FIDGET with a slender ring on a golden chain. it’s usually kept tucked under her shirt, but her FATHER’S NAME is in the headlines again. the blood is on all of their hands, but he was the one who pulled the STRINGS. he’s soaked in blood. THIS is a case where she shouldn’t give a fuck. WHY should she give a fuck about leonard church –– he never gave a fuck about her, did he? every inch of her is tense. he dragged her through the mud and still she sits there, seething at the sight of his name, but unable to STOP caring for two seconds.
the only sound is her chair scraping across the floor. she leaves the newspaper behind, her father’s image staring up at the ceiling, his eyes as COLD AND DISTANT as she remembered. oliver? he deserves more than her just walking out of the room without a word. maybe. maybe. but she needs to run, or hit something or just... ANYTHING to release the tension that ceases hold of her.
VINDICTIVE SUGGESTIONS
starters / memes taken from the blog vindictive-suggestion . feel free to change pronouns & nouns as necessary .
“ wash your mouth out with holy water ” “ maybe you can pretend to be holy ” “ i’m terrified of becoming the monster i sought to destroy ” “ the voices in my head tell me to run ” “ they tell me i don’t belong ” “ become the monster they expect you to be ” “ when was the last time anyone came to rescue you ” “ will they sing my hymns long after i’m gone ” “ regicide has always had such a nice ring to it ” “ everyone dies in the end ” “ do you feel closer to god yet ” “ meet every sunrise with a middle finger salute ” “ life’s too short to give a fuck ” “ if my life isn’t constantly at stake, then what’s the point ” “ who said i’m going to die ” “ strength has nothing to do with fearlessness ” “ do not die quietly ” “ the wolf in you demands blood ” “ i’ve learned to bare my teeth and bite back ” “ the gods have abandoned you ” “ i have no story ” “ you deserve no softness ” “ i regret and mourn but is that not enough ” “ do you regret what you did to get here ” “ the burning in your chest demands blood ” “ will she save you too ” “ does the rain ever stop ” “ you fucking deserve this ” “ your skin tastes sweet and your blood is wine ” “ i condemn you to death ” “ i cast my heart out of bronze ” “ can you tell i did this for you ” “ I’ll save you ” “ what makes you run so far away from home ” “ spell your name with bonfires and riots ” “ history will remember you ” “ maybe you can reconsider that statement ” “ i’m only mortal, no matter how invincible i try to seem ” “ i wasn’t built to last under the weight of the sky ” “ i’m not feeling very divine tonight ” “ take them down with you if you have to ” “ if we must burn , we can burn together ” “ sometimes it’s okay to stop ” “ i’m not meant for anything less than perfection ” “ if you are meant to go to hell , then take the throne ” “ sometimes you won’t get a second chance ” “ revolution is built on blood ”
we are products of our past, but we do not need to be prisoners of it. AGENT CAROLINA OF RVB. PENNED BY MISS BLISS.
