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oof

This may come as no surprise, But I’ve been having trouble sleeping. I’ve tried, I’ve tried, I’ve sewn my eyes shut. I’ve run so far away from myself, And found no method worth keeping.

This may come as no surprise either, But I’ve been hitting the bottle again, Hitting it like clockwork. I’ve tried, I’ve tried, I’ve sewn my throat shut. I’ve stopped breathing for just long enough, To look myself in the eyes, And spit at my face.

Once more, this may come as no surprise, But I’ve been digging up relics, Rummaging through my past, Like a crow looking for something shiny, A silver lining. I’ve tried, I’ve tried, I’ve buried it all. I’ve dug up the ashes left over, Over and over.

I’ve assembled the pieces I’ve been left with, Like a jigsaw puzzle, And now all I see in front of me, Is a headache.

So make it stop, Undo my errors of the past, Never allow me to let go, Of that shoebox.

Let me bury it, Somewhere I can find it once more. Let me leave the hatchet there, While I’m at it.

Let me live and die in peace.

I can't help but greet my demons,

With a hello and a how do you do.

They told me everything,

They told me all about you.

For the hundredth time this week,

I've run up, down, left, right.

Playing a twisted game of hide and seek,

Running after myself, disappearing out of sight,

In the catacombs of my head.

I've run past every "what if",

Every "I should have just",

Every "why did I",

Every "I could have",

So many times,

That by the time I find myself,

I've lost the mind I'm running in.

And I can't wait,

To wake up and run in circles again,

And again,

Until I can drown that place,

In the green bottle I always do.

Stare out of the bars, And through the eyelids. See pavement, See concrete, by day. See carpet, See tiles, by night.

Throw the walls around, Like they’re a part of me. May what’s left of my head, Remain in the rubble.

The grip on the bottles, The grip on the mouse, The grip on reality, The grip on myself, All loosen with one another.

Still I remain grounded, Able to think, able to feel.

For every ounce of control, I lose over my body. My mind feels just a little, More at rest.

For once again, For a day, I don’t have to be me for a while.

I'll write a letter to my former self, Dear sad ghost, Why'd you put your heart on a shelf?

#lyrics #issues #sad ghost

Now as the pain, Slowly fades away, I’m force to deal, With the ghost in the shell.

Bruises heal, Fingers feel, Ears start hearing, Eyes start seeing.

Yet in the absence, Of superficial pain. I’m left to think, And the Lord of Woe, Resumes his reign, Over the heart of the wood.

As the pain, Rolls over to another day. Like my ankles, Rolled over themselves. I'm reminded, I'm not young anymore.

You hit them, They hit you harder. You jumped, They knocked you over. You screamed, They screamed with you. You fell, They pulled you back up. Over and over. You're hurt, You're tired, You're deaf, Your head is screaming at you. Your trip to your precious, Self-destructive fantasy land, Has come to its abrupt end. So best you get back to work, Then later you will mend. It hurts so good, Like your muscles are on fire, And you know that. The bags in your eyes, Are like black pits of death, And you know that. But none of it matters, Next to losing yourself, In that violent, angry world, So far from home.

Wake up again, It's time to slave away. You didn't hit it this time, So awake, this time, you will stay. Get to work, Make sure the noise, Is loud enough to drown you out, To drown your thoughts out, To drown your heart out, To drown you. Get into rhythm, Lose yourself in the task at hand. It's you on your own, No distraction to save you now. Work harder, work faster, Make sure you feel it. May your legs and your back hurt, But continue to conceal it. Tonight you will venture, To the place in the city. Where violence is part of the act, And you won't feel as shitty. Then you'll get yourself home, Nap for an hour or so, Then go back to work, And watch the time get real slow.

asking-the-death

3 straight nights, Of my heart's acid bath. One last morning, Of my brain's rebellion, To contend with. I will watch myself fall, To pieces, at the end of it all. I'll watch me put them back together, From a distance. I'll watch me screw my head on tight, And I'll watch me learn.

Despite all of my efforts, To seal the wound. The hole in my chest, Where my heart used to be. Drips the blood of old once more. I will claw at it, I will scream in agony. But I will do so without complaint. I will tear myself, limb from limb, I will reconstruct, forge anew. Cold, blurring the lines, Between man and machine. Devoid of those thoughts, That come back to haunt me, In painful sobriety. Devoid of all feelings, Unwanted, unrequited, And painful.

Receive, Consume, Digest, Slur, Stumble, Forget.

I’m not sure, If being told, What was there, Has gone away, Is hurting, Or making it all easier.

Initially, I’ll admit, It felt like the sharpest of knives, Carving a hole where my heart used to be.

Now, I see, Perhaps I’m better off. You certainly are, And maybe it’ll better force me, To kick myself out of it all.

I made it. I grit my teeth, Didn’t manage a grin, But I bore it.

Liquid paradise, Places a veil over my tired eyes. I can barely see.

I told myself, If I couldn’t get you out of my head, I’d just get me out instead.

So here I am, At the edge of the earth. On the outside, looking in. Staring at whoever the fuck I am. Wondering how I fucked up so badly, That I came to become me.

I can’t forget, The nights of passion. Sneaking through a house full of sleepers, At obscene hours, To hear moans and cries of ecstasy.

I can’t forget, Being discarded, Thrown away. Time and time again.

I can’t forget, Feeling so useless, Powerless in the face of your deathwish.

So I guess I was right. Here’s to forgetting, Forgetting my own name once more.

May I wake up and drink for two again.

I'm burning with our without you, I'm melting, there's nothing I can do. Whether you catch me or not, Doesn't matter. I'll still slip through the cracks, I'll drop, And I'll splatter. For I've been picked up, And I've been dropped, So many times I've forgotten, What it's like, not to feel, Stale and rotten. It eats out from the heart, Slowly through all of my being, Until the room won't stop spinning, And there's no chance of winning, No other way out that I'm seeing. I'll bide my time until Friday comes, I'll drink and keep drinking, Until I forget all about me. It's easier than trying to forget you, And failing.

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